Today was a Halloween party at Noah's preschool. It was optional for the kids to dress up. Noah did not want to. He informed me that he can only wear his costume tomorrow night when he gets candy. Instead, he wanted to wear the Halloween shirt that my parents bought him. It has Tigger on it and a pumpkin that lights up when the shirt moves. My mom apologized when she bought it because she knows I am not a fan of clothes with cartoon characters on them but she thought it was too cute to pass up. I'm fine with it because he loves the shirt. Even though he wasn't wearing a costume the kids were as fascinated with his shirt as he was with their outfits.
After circle time (during which I have to admit I became teary-eyed because I realized how fast he continues to grow up in front of me...I know...I'm a sap) the kids lined up and then paraded around the church to show the staff members and collect candy. They then came outside to where we parents were waiting and paraded on the sidewalk around the church.
After the parade, Ellie and I headed a couple blocks over to the library. While there I ran into a mom whose daughter is in Noah's classroom. She was finishing reading "The Shack" and so we struck up a conversation about it. It's actually the second time she read it. We then talked about the churches we attend and a little about family. It was nice to sit and visit with someone I don't know but who shares a common bond through being a preschool mom, as well as a sister in Christ.
Tuesday is Picture Day. I was telling my mom I didn't even know they had picture day. I thought it was a kind of silly thing for preschoolers. She told me that my preschool had picture day and then I recalled a certain picture of me from when I was four. Now I have to figure out what to dress Noah in. The note said there is no obligation to buy any of the pictures. Yeah, right. What mom of a preschooler passes up her child's first picture day pictures?
While we were waiting outside for the kids to parade out, a mom shared with us that her husband died three weeks ago. All of us were slightly stunned and then she really shocked up by telling us he committed suicide. He has battled depression for years and they were in counseling, and she is still numb and confused as to how he could do it and leave her and Brooke. For the next half hour a bunch of us moms just stood and listened to her as she shared with us her grief and anger. We would have stood longer but she told us she had to go. What do you do? We all offered help with taking Brooke to school or picking her up. Her church told her they wouldn't have his funeral there because they believe that since he wasn't a member of the church then he wasn't actually in heaven. Whoa.
I am thinking of sending her a card and letting her know that if she wants to grab a cup of coffee while the kids were at school one day, then to let me know. I don't know if she has a community of people to help her. She said that her family is not in the area and that her in-laws are, but that they've been mean and hard to handle. She kept looking at me while she was talking, almost like a silent plea. Maybe it's because we've chatted a couple times since the kids started and then I hadn't seen her in the last couple weeks. She said she's been late dropping Brooke off and picking her up because she can hardly drag herself out of bed some mornings. I personally don't think I could get myself out of bed. I think she is coping with this much better than I probably would, yet I don't know. I hope to never find out. I felt God moving me to do something; I just don't know what beyond starting with a card and maybe coffee. Does anyone have any advice or experience in this area? What do you say to someone who is grieving? What do you say when a woman has lost her high school sweetheart, her husband and partner of fifteen years? How do you make yourself accessible?
After circle time (during which I have to admit I became teary-eyed because I realized how fast he continues to grow up in front of me...I know...I'm a sap) the kids lined up and then paraded around the church to show the staff members and collect candy. They then came outside to where we parents were waiting and paraded on the sidewalk around the church.
After the parade, Ellie and I headed a couple blocks over to the library. While there I ran into a mom whose daughter is in Noah's classroom. She was finishing reading "The Shack" and so we struck up a conversation about it. It's actually the second time she read it. We then talked about the churches we attend and a little about family. It was nice to sit and visit with someone I don't know but who shares a common bond through being a preschool mom, as well as a sister in Christ.
Tuesday is Picture Day. I was telling my mom I didn't even know they had picture day. I thought it was a kind of silly thing for preschoolers. She told me that my preschool had picture day and then I recalled a certain picture of me from when I was four. Now I have to figure out what to dress Noah in. The note said there is no obligation to buy any of the pictures. Yeah, right. What mom of a preschooler passes up her child's first picture day pictures?
While we were waiting outside for the kids to parade out, a mom shared with us that her husband died three weeks ago. All of us were slightly stunned and then she really shocked up by telling us he committed suicide. He has battled depression for years and they were in counseling, and she is still numb and confused as to how he could do it and leave her and Brooke. For the next half hour a bunch of us moms just stood and listened to her as she shared with us her grief and anger. We would have stood longer but she told us she had to go. What do you do? We all offered help with taking Brooke to school or picking her up. Her church told her they wouldn't have his funeral there because they believe that since he wasn't a member of the church then he wasn't actually in heaven. Whoa.
I am thinking of sending her a card and letting her know that if she wants to grab a cup of coffee while the kids were at school one day, then to let me know. I don't know if she has a community of people to help her. She said that her family is not in the area and that her in-laws are, but that they've been mean and hard to handle. She kept looking at me while she was talking, almost like a silent plea. Maybe it's because we've chatted a couple times since the kids started and then I hadn't seen her in the last couple weeks. She said she's been late dropping Brooke off and picking her up because she can hardly drag herself out of bed some mornings. I personally don't think I could get myself out of bed. I think she is coping with this much better than I probably would, yet I don't know. I hope to never find out. I felt God moving me to do something; I just don't know what beyond starting with a card and maybe coffee. Does anyone have any advice or experience in this area? What do you say to someone who is grieving? What do you say when a woman has lost her high school sweetheart, her husband and partner of fifteen years? How do you make yourself accessible?
6 comments:
I think starting off with a card and invite to coffee is very good. It will help you get to know her. Offer a "play date" when she needs to run errands or just have some alone time. I know friends who have grieved say that just having someone there to listen is huge. Explanations of why this happened are inconsequential and phrases like "God will see you through" (even though he will) seem trite at this point. I suppose though, it depends on what part of the greiving process she's in and how she's relying on her faith.
Figure out how she needs help in the small things - meals, errands, getting her daughter to preschool. Maybe you can organize some of the other moms to take turns with rides, or if you take turns bringing snacks, divide her turns amongst the rest of you. I think helping out with the small things makes the bigger things a lot easier to handle.
At some point, then you may be able to ask more about what she loved/loves most about him or how she sees him in her daughter. If her church isn't supportive, you could invite her to yours. If she has a financial burden, you cuold see if your church has funds for needy people. And most of all pray. I will be praying for opportunities for you to connect with her and for her healing and peace. It's awesome you're acknowledging this prompting and wanting to follow through with it. I know I don't always end up following through with things like this.
Dang girl! This is quite a post. I felt touched and compelled to help somehow without meeting the poor woman. Everyone deals with grieving differently but, I would say try to think what you'd need/like if you were (God forbid!) similar situation. Without too much pity in your tone of voice, offer to take Brooke for a few hours. Coffee is also great, like Deanna said. And I can't believe the church told her that. It's because of people like that that turns me away (and non-believers) from a place that should be treated (but most of the time isn't)as the House of God where His Bride meets to worship.
On a different note, have you read the Shack? I'm reading it now and it's taking me FOREVER to do so because I'm trying to absorb every thought. It's such an overwhelming (in a good way) book that you can't just breeze through it. At least not for me. I'd love to talk to you about it if you've read it.
On a different note, again, your last comment on my blog cracked me up. It pretty much made my day. Marsala wine? He He. And the MIL?...jeesh!
Seriously,
OMGoodness. That is just heart-wrenching. I can't imagine. I think God was trying to tell you something too! A card and coffee offer is a great start.
What a cute little guy! He wanted to save his costume for the actual DAY! LOL They do grow up mighty fast.
Oh Andrea, I don't know, but i will be praying that God leads you in this!
Hi from SITS...you are the commenter before me.
Oh I just LOVE your header picture!!! They are too beautiful!!!
Hope your pre-schooler isn't to hyped up today! Have fun
Andrea - I think, as others have said that starting with coffee is a great way. Like another poster suggested, banning with other moms to help where its needed. And you may want to share with her your plans and ask for suggestions from her. But don't just say, call us when you need something, we never do. :) Make suggestions your comfortable to follow through on. I can't imagine losing my husband and having a family of in-laws who are difficult to deal with all at the same time. Keep your chin up and keep encouraging her. Perhaps she'd be willing to go to church with you and Tim, Brooke would know someone in her class! :)
Great job, hearing the spirit and following through!
Hugs - erin
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