Conquering the Impossible...for me

I was fortunate in that after Ellie was born I quickly lost not only my pregnancy weight but also an extra 4 or so pounds. I was unfortunate in that, when I stopped nursing, it all came back on plus some because I wasn't being careful about what I ate or burning as many calories during the day. This weekend, while we were riding back from Fowlerville, I looked down to see my spare tire hanging over the top of my jeans. I grabbed a chunk of it and yelled "I hate you!"
"Attack!" Tim encouraged. "Annie with a vengeance!"
I know that he loves me no matter what I look like. I think he just doesn't want to hear me complaining about it 365 days a year for the next 70 years.
So after feeding Ellie her first bottle of the day I placed her between us on our bed. I then woke Tim up by saying, "I'm going for a jog."
"Excuse me?" he asked without opening his eyes.
"I'm going jogging." He opened one eye and smiled. Between us, Ellie made a cooing sound.
"Even Ellie is laughing." This just proves how unathletic I am.
With his disbelief fueling my motivation, I got out of bed and threw on some sweats and a long sleeve shirt over a tee in case the weather was fickle (this is June in Michigan after all.) I grabbed the iPod and laced up my tennis shoes and headed down the driveway excited that I was actually carrying through with this new exercise leaf I had turned over.
With U2's "Vertigo" kicking off my Workout Mix playlist (I have a workout mix that has probably been used for its purpose a handful of times) I started warming up with some walking. The next song came on and I kicked it up a notch to some speed walking, even pumping my arms like the people I see speedwalking on our road.
Fallout Boy's "Dance Dance" entered my ears and I sped up a bit more. I'm running! I thought. OK, jogging...slowly. But I'm moving at a faster speed than a walk!
About two minutes into the song I realized something important: I forgot my inhalor. Praying that I didn't have an exercise induced asthma attack, I tried to focus on my breathing. I mapped out how far I planned on going before turning back and picked a road that I know is a mile from our house. That would mean a two-mile experience today, even if I didn't run all of it...or jog.
As I started to see my marker point, I also started to falter. I'm going to die. I'm not even running full out and I'm going to die. Running is stupid. I thought about my friend, Renee, who I have known for years. She is a runner. She is beyond a runner - she is a cross country coach. I decided that she must be insane as well to enjoy this activity. I then thought about how she would encourage me if she knew what I was doing. She is good at that. I mentally pictured her running beside me (great, now I'm on the verge of hallucinating from this jogging stuff) and giving me encouragement. I ventured on without dropping my speed.
I thought of another old friend, Bekah, who runs. She has done some races this year and I'm proud of her since she is also an asthma victim. She also has very long legs so she would probably be almost done by the time I was halfway through. I wish my legs were longer.
Whenever I am pressed physically, something comes into my head: He is my strength and my redeemer, whom shall I fear? I know this is a combination of a couple different verses but it always helps me out. I think about God giving me strength to do things - even jog - and I can make it a little farther.
I looked again at the distance between me and my turn-around point. Although closer, I still felt like it was forever away. They're going to find me passed out on the sidewalk and not know who I am because I'm not carrying any identification on me. Should I carry identification when I jog? What if I became a murder victim while running? Maybe there is someone watching me even now, paying attention to what time I run and the path I'm covering. Why did my mom have to make me so paranoid?
Finally...finally! I jogged by a little bench and water fountain and turned to head back home. Walking. I made my goal for the day and was going to walk back home. However, I was going to focus on posture while walking. Chin up, abs pulled in, glutes tight...hey, I felt taller and straighter. A minute later I had to remind myself again to tighten the abs and buns. This good posture thing carries a lot to remember when you are trying to change it at an older age. Straight like a board, straight like a board.
Almost home. I have heard about "the runner's high"...all these happy little endorphins being released and making you feel good, refreshed, energized and somewhat sexual. Did I feel like going home to make out with my husband? More like pass out on the couch, I decided. Maybe that one comes with time.
I turned down our road and finally up our driveway. I entered our bedroom to find both kids in bed with Tim. I grabbed some water and then climbed in with them.
"I did it," I told him. "I exercised."
I'm proud of you," he answered. "Good job."
And I felt good, too.

It Must Be Summer!

I love sunshine...especially in Michigan, after suffering from Vitamin D deficiency for many months. Our days now consist of (mostly) sunshine and warmer temperatures (although some days are already hotter than my liking.) There are a few things that signal summer to me that I have started looking forward to each year.

1. Emma's Pool - Last year I think we spent about one night a week over at the Lewis' with the kids playing in Emma's whale pool. While the whale pool is no longer after being blown away, they now have the elephant pool which is kind of cooler since it has a slide. Noah was able to play in it last weekend. We had actually considered buying the same kind a couple months back but are glad we can "test drive" it out first. Noah loves it so I'm sure there is one in our near future.

2. Walking the Boardwalk - This past Tuesday night was our first chance to get down to the boardwalk in Grand Haven. There were a lot of people down there and everything seemed to scream "Yea for summer!" We had dinner beforehand at K2 with the Lewises and then we all met up with the Troasts for a leisurely stroll. Tim doesn't know it yet but I think I'm going to suggest another walk to him tonight. I don't think he'll argue since he loves it as much as me.

3. The FARMERS MARKET! - We love Farmers Markets. And we're surrounded by 4 different ones which makes it even better. There is one in Muskegon, Grand Haven, Spring Lake and an organic only one in Muskegon as well. Today was my first visit for 2008. Tim, sadly, has to work today while they are pushing hard to get a house finished by a certain date, so I ventured down to the Grand Haven one by myself with the kids. It went better than I expected since I put Noah in the stroller and Ellie in the Baby Bjorn (thank God for those!) We picked up some asparagus, strawberries, seedless blackberry jam, sugar peas, a tomato and chocolate covered blueberries (they are GOOD!) I actually don't like asparagus but Tim does so I figure I'll use them tomorrow as a side dish to a Father's Day meal which I think is going to be Cowboy Burgers from the Kraft Food & Family magazine. The strawberries were about a dollar more than what they are at Meijer BUT I feel good buying locally (go Visser Farms!) and their taste really is better, very juicy and fresh.

4. Onesies, shorts, and semi-naked kiddos - By September I can't wait to break out our sweatshirts, sweaters and jeans but at the beginning of summer I have always loved seeing Noah naked but for a diaper (which will hopefully be replaced by undies quite soon.) He wants to wear shorts all the time now even if it's cold and rainy. I can get him to compromise by at least wearing a sweatshirt or jacket. Ellie pretty much lives in onesies now except for church when I can put cute little dresses on her.

I just love how everything in summer is more laid back. I also enjoy that we tend to eat healthier (thanks to the Farmers Market), spend more time outside (thanks to the warmer weather and sun), and visit more with others. This summer we look forward to watching Emma Rain grow in her new family and surroundings. Things have gone pretty well for her first week in a completely new place. We got to meet her last Saturday and while she is still quite shy, she is a beautiful girl and seemed pretty interested in Ellie. I guess babies have that effect on people.

Noah and I had a funny moment this week. We were playing in his room when from the corner of my eye I saw something out the window. When I turned to look there were 2 wild turkeys staring at us from outside the window! Noah climbed onto his bed to get a better look out the window and the turkeys' heads moved whichever direction he did. I ran to get the camera but when I came back Noah had scared them off by yelling at them and banging on the window. I did get a picture of them walking out of our yard though. Although funny, it was kind of creepy. Turkeys are ugly and can get mean.

Have a great summer!

Did You Know....

I've been tagged by a fellow mom and Cornerstone friend, Traci, to share 5 random things about myself. None of them beats her #1 which was being hit by a car and being ok, but I'll see what I can think of...
1. I am terrified of elevators. I avoid them at ALL costs. Even in the last weeks of pregnancy I would haul myself up the stairs to the third floor at least two to three times a week. During labor I walked up them to the labor and delivery floor. I did exit the hospital in a wheelchair on the elevator but only because of the spinal headache and almost passing out every time I stood. By that point I was in so much pain I didn't even realize I was in an elevator. It's not even the claustrophobia, it's having watched movies and being scared the cables will break and I'll plunge to my death. Or that the elevator will get stuck and I'll be trapped for hours with no way to contact anyone (I don't trust those red "emergency" buttons.)
2. I love classic rock music. Give me some Led Zeppelin, Lynyrd Skynyrd, or The Doors anyday over this new fangled hip hop/sing-songy rap stuff. Tim, unfortunately, does not share this love although I'm trying to break him.
3. I hate wearing make-up and spending time on my hair. I love the make-up I have but I just hate the process of putting it on. I also don't believe in spending more than 5 minutes max on my hair (that includes blow-drying/curling/straightening) and I get irritated if it does take longer. I also find that make-up is really just a vicious cycle. We women put it on to cover skin flaws, but in doing that it clogs pores, etc. making our skin worse so we put more make-up on it and so on. I put on a full face for church but daily wear either nothing or just mascara and concealer. I also don't use soap to wash my face because it is sensitive.
4. I can make my tendons dance on my knuckles, as Tim calls it. I don't even know how I do it but I can make the tendon on top my index and middle finger knuckles shift back and forth.
5. I have a bump on my nose from where I ran into a glass sliding door in high school. We were visiting my grandparents at their condo in Florida and I walked right into the stupid door. After that my smart aleck grandpa put a sticker at eyeball height on the door so I would know the door was closed.

I'm going to tag...Lydia, Erin, Lacey, Matt (to throw in a guy), and Rachel (ha! now you have to blog!)

Dance, Dance

Today in church a mom went and brought back her two young sons from the nursery during the last set of songs, after the sermon was finished. She was sitting a few rows from the back (I know this because I was 3 rows behind her and there was only one row left behind me.) While everyone was standing and singing her older son - probably not even yet 3 years old - started dancing in the middle of the aisle. It was a side aisle and he wasn't disrupting anyone. I watched as she put her arm around him and brought him back to the row of seats, putting his joyful little celebration to an end.
I was reminded of the passage in Second Samuel 6 that says David danced, basically as a celebration of bringing home the ark of the Lord. When did this expression of love and joy become so looked down upon in the church?
Oh, that we might all dance to rejoice in our Lord with the abandonment a toddler dance displays.

Overcoming "failure"

I'm going to be very honest: going from one child to two has been very difficult for me. VERY difficult. Ellie turned 6 weeks yesterday and I am still hormonal, emotional, and drained. I'm not tired in the sleeping sense because she is doing well with that now and I'm only up once a night for about a half hour. It is more the drained in an everyone-needs-something-from-me-I'm-only-one-person-when-do-I-get-me-time-why-is-there-still-laundry-in-the-hamper-will-my-house-ever-be-clean-again feeling. Seriously, my house has not been as clean as it used to be since we brought Ellie home from the hospital. It bothers me to no end yet I can't find the extra energy to clean it either.
Anyways, mothering two has been a challenge so far. I expected it to be hard and had tried to prepare myself for it, but just as no one can prepare a woman for childbirth they also can't prepare you for the challenges of parenting. You have to experience them yourself. So a couple weeks ago, right before we left for all our traveling, I had a huge breakdown. I was sobbing in the shower, which is usually where I go when I want to have a good cry...partly because it is the only place I can actually be alone for more than 20 seconds if I lock the door (yes, Tim was home watching the kids at the time.) The moment that led up to this was finding a fairly large mistake in our checkbook. A payment that I thought was being deducted at the end of the month was taken out at the beginning. Since there was not money for that purpose set in there, it ended up causing an overdraft and the four expected payments that went through still went through, but landed us with overdraft fees.
After finding this out I headed for the shower where I sobbed and cried out to God to just give me a break already. I basically wrestled with my emotions until the water ran cold and I stepped out to find Tim and the kids greeting me in the doorway.
"You cry, Mama?" Noah asked and all I could do was nod. "Oh, all better now, Mama?" I shook my head deciding to be honest with my son. "You go back to bed, Mama," he suggested. Usually when he is crying it is due to being crabby which is due to lack of sleep so we suggest to him that he can either go back to bed or stop whining/crying. Apparently the tables turned.
As Tim grabbed me into a hug and asked me what was wrong, it clicked in my head what I was actually struggling with. I told him I was a failure and couldn't do anything right. I had really wanted a natural childbirth and got the epidural. The epidural then gave me a spinal headache which left me on bedrest for a week which meant I couldn't even take care of my newborn except to nurse her. Then she turned out to have the dairy allergy which led to me trying to give up dairy to continue nursing but I couldn't follow through with that and put her on soy. While all this was going on I still was trying to figure out how to balance a newborn and a toddler and felt like I was failing horribly at how much attention I could give Noah.
"You are NOT a failure," Tim repeated over and over and over. "You are a good mom and those things were beyond your control."
In all my weariness of having a newborn and adjusting to this new lifestyle with two children I had let satan attack me in my weak moments. As he whispered in my ear, "You are a failure" I believed him. Multiple times he whispered it and every time I let myself fall prey to the lie.
The truth is that I can never be supermom. My house may not be as clean as I would like for the next eighteen or more years. I may always have a tender spot in my back from all the needle pokes it encountered. I probably will never be able to give both kids equal amounts of attention. I need to be ok with that and realize that there are things that are not expected of me to be a good mom. What does matter is that my kids are loved. They are fed and clean and provided for. They go to bed with bedtime stories and kisses and prayers, being reminded at the end of the day how special they are to us. They have a mom and dad who, even in their worst marriage moments, realize it's more important to work it out than quit and that they are totally committed to each other for life. They are in a household where they are being taught about Jesus and how He died for our sins so that we may live with Him in Heaven one day.
I am not a failure.
I am NOT a failure.
YOU are not a failure either.