Amnesia

For the past three weeks our youth group has been talking about dating and relationships. I missed the first week because I was out of town for a baby shower. The second week was a movie night. Then came last night. The two jr. high female youth leaders both weren't able to make it so I had both groups on my own. I was a little nervous since I don't know the jr. high girls very well since I'm a high school leader, but they're a great group of chicas so it wasn't a problem. Because of the topic, the youth group was split into two groups: guys and girls.
Last night we talked about the "who, what, when, how, why, etc." of dating. We discussed why it's important to date another believer, what is the purpose of dating (to seek a spouse, not fulfill emotional or physical satisfactions) and other issues relating to relationships with boys. We had a brief talk about modesty and why it's important for them to be aware of how they dress. They balked a little at the fact they shouldn't be wearing bikinis to youth group related events (like pool parties or when we go to waterparks) so I had to really stress how much guys are visually stimulated and even though they might not be wearing the bikini with the intention of making a boy think naughty thoughts about them, boys are different from us and we have to accept that and be a help to them.
I didn't give "my talk" because it was something that Mandy, Elisabeth and I had wanted to all do together and I'm hoping we still have a chance at some point soon. However, it did come up in bits and pieces and at the end we had a small tearful moment.
I wanted to let them know why I am so passionate about making sure they keep themselves pure. I want them to be aware of the guilt and emotions they might have to wade through after a physical relationship ends. So I confessed something last night to them that I just this past week realized.

I can't remember my wedding night.

It wasn't because I had a drop of alcohol in me, either, because I didn't. I can remember parts of the day - getting ready in the morning, pictures, the ceremony, driving around in a convertible to the reception with the top down while it was raining and freezing, and some parts of the reception. I can remember Tim and I standing next to our bed fully dressed...
and then I can't remember anything until we were opening our gifts later that night (we had a morning wedding and everything was completely over and cleaned up by 4:00.)

I can remember every time one of my "firsts" happened though: my first kiss ever and every physical boundary I said I was never going to cross until I was married. I can remember my first time having sex: the room it was in, what time it was, how long it lasted, the way I sobbed afterward. Everything. Everything I want to forget is burned in my memory.

Yet I can't remember the night that really mattered to me. The night I want to have mental snapshots of.

As I cried I told the girls how it's not fair to Tim that I can't remember. I told them that they are going to remember their "firsts" and they're going to want that memory to be of their wedding night...because it really sucks otherwise. I also told them that the good news in all of this is we have a God who forgives us. No matter our sexual sins, or any sin, nothing is too big for Him to forgive. We, as humans, still hold our guilt and, unfortunately, our memories (which I think is part of the consequence for sinning) but He forgives us. He loves us.
Later when I got home and Tim asked how the night went, I told him everything. As he rubbed my feet (good husband that he is), he told me that he's sorry I have to experience that but all I have to do is ask him and he can tell me everything I need to know about our wedding night. He also said that it is probably better that I can remember other good intimate moments that we've had throughout our marriage because we've gotten better with time and experience. I'm so thankful that he is patient and understanding.
I don't know why I felt such a need to share this on here. Maybe so that if someone single stumbles across it, they can hear someone say that it's so much more worth the wait even if it's difficult to wait. That the grief that comes after isn't worth whatever pleasure you may feel in the moment.
It's just not worth it.

Lovely Lady Lump?

I think not.
I went to the doctor today for a sore throat and a pain under my right arm. I figured the sore throat is probably just part of a cold (it is.) I assumed the arm pit pain was a swollen lymph node.
It's not.
It's a lump. And it hurts like the dickens. It's at the tail end of my breast (which, were you aware that the breast is tear-shaped, not round?) Because of it's close proximity to my pectoral muscle, it causes pain when I move my arm due to the way it rubs against the muscle. The doctor said he was glad I came in so that we can keep an eye on it. Right now it's the size of a pea and he said he won't worry until it's the size of a fingernail. I'm not worried. My mom and mother-in-law have had their share of biopsies and lumps and all have come out clear. If the pain continues beyond the next few days or if the lump grows any larger than I have to go in again. Please pray that neither of those situations happen.

Now for FUN news: Eleanor is growing fast. In the past two weeks we have experienced the following:
*Her first 2 teeth (they are the bottom front ones)
*The tubes in her ears
*She waves consistently "hello" and "bye bye"
*She "dances" (wiggles and shakes around - she loves music almost as much as Noah)
*Pulls herself up on everything
*Goes from being on her tummy to sitting up
...and the big one...
*CRAWLING! She had been leading up to it with the inchworm/army crawl but since Saturday morning when she decided to just up and take off, there is no stopping her.

She keeps us on our toes, that's for certain.

Out of My Hands

One of my goals for this year is to write a book. Pretty ambitious, eh? Yeah...I know. The book idea that I had been playing around with and trying to write was put on hold when another idea struck me. Tim and I were out on a date last Saturday night while visiting my parents (free babysitting, in other words.) We were eating dinner and I felt like in my mind this little car swerved around a corner and slammed into my brain. The car was representative of a new idea and I tried as hard as possible to listen to Tim afterwards. All I could think about was this story that was forming in my head! After dinner (which was at a restaurant called Cancun. It's in Okemos and if you're ever in that area you really should eat there. It's one of those hidden hole in the wall places that is DELICIOUS!) Anyways, after dinner we went to Schuler's and for a few minutes I hunkered myself down in front of the writing section and skimmed through books. The story kept forming and shaping itself in my head and I kept repeating certain sentences and phrases to myself to keep from forgetting them.
This past week I sat down and wrote out a quick outline. The challenge is going to be tearing myself away from the books I want to read in order to write it. I think I'm going to have to set up some type of schedule for myself. For example: naptime - read a book, after bed - write. Hmmm, where does Tim fit in then? Maybe I will write on Tuesdays and Thursdays during preschool time since Ellie naps at the same time. I can use weekends while Tim is home to steal away for a bit, too.
Anyways, like you care. So, in working toward this goal, Tim and I also thought I should have little goals along the way to help. While I paused and hesitated and tried to avoid the subject, Tim said, "By the end of the week you need to turn in an article to be published." I about choked but accepted his challenge.
Today I researched a magazine to find out how to go about the process. It turns out you have to write a query letter describing your idea, what its purpose is and what value it has to the reader, what qualifications you have to write about it, and some other little infomation. Then in about 8 weeks (8 weeks!!) they contact you to tell you whether they accept your query or not. Then you go about submitting your article and then they reject or accept it.
It sounds much harder than I pictured in my head for a magazine article but I accepted their challenge.
In a business envelope today I mailed away my first query letter. I shed a lot of nervous tears while praying over it. You would have thought it was a sick patient the way I was laying hands on it and then grasping it to my heart after printing it out. I realized while pressing the "print" button that we are almost out of ink and everything has been printing off all faded and weird lately. I took the letter out of my hands and it had printed perfectly. It was like one of those moments where the clouds break and the sun shines, but instead it was printer ink. Maybe it's a sign.
So pray for me. Each time I think about it, my stomach gets all knotted and I want to throw up. It's out of my hands both literally and figuratively.

Tasty Treat Tuesday

I realize I've missed the last couple weeks on this one and I'm sorry. I wasn't sure if I would get it today either, but my children are BOTH sleeping still for their naps. Usually they would have been up at least 15 minutes ago. It must be the fresh air!

Today I'll give you a super easy recipe with no measurements that would be a perfect Valentine's Day treat (because it's red.) It's also a classic so I wouldn't be surprised if you already knew it.

Red Hot Applesauce

In a saucepan, dump in however much applesauce you want to use. Add to it however many red hot candies you desire. Stir while heating. This will turn the applesauce a pretty red color and make it yummy cinnamon delicious! You'll have to experiment to find out how much of everything works for you.

It's that easy. We're going to have our's served alongside pork tenderloin.

Blizzard of Books Reading Review

Here are the books I have read so far for the library's Blizzard of Books adult reading club (complete with prizes for every 5 read!) I thought I would keep you guys updated in case any strike your fancy and you feel like a good read.

*Dawn's Light by Terri Blackstock - it's the last in the Restoration series. They're Christian suspense, easy reads. I wouldn't say to read them before you die someday, but they didn't feel like a waste of time either.

*Thursdays at Eight by Debbie Macomber - I really enjoy Debbie Macomber's books. This one didn't disappoint. I like that her characters feel like real people to me, not the untouchable and idealistic personalities that can only be written.

*Home to Holly Springs by Jan Karon - I highly recommend reading the Mitford series and then travel on to this one. They're so good.

*Grace (Eventually): Thoughts on Faith by Anne Lamott - Pass. Unless you like reading books in which the author claims God is a woman, fetuses are not babies which makes abortion ok, and having numerous sexual partners gets you through life. These are her beliefs that the rest of us Christians should accept into our lives, in her opinion. You can find this one at your local Christian bookstore, ironically.

*The Trophy Wives Club by Kirsten Billerbeck - enjoyable. A light read. Very girly. I'm waiting for the sequel to come available in the library. (Side note: Daniella, I could see you enjoying this one!)

*A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini - He also wrote The Kite Runner, which I recommend. I would also encourage you to read this one. I think I might have liked it a bit more since it's from the perspective of a woman. You will learn much about Afghanistan history and culture and you will appreciate your life. To quote my friend, Jen, who pestered me to read these books until I relented, "If I had to use one word to sum up Kite Runner, it would be redemption. If I had to pick one word for A Thousand Splendid Suns it would be beauty. You'll see why." You guys can now go find out for yourselves!

*Stealing Buddha's Dinner by Bich Minh Nguyen - I just finished this one minutes ago. I would actually highly recommend it. It is the memoir of a woman whose family migrated from Saigon in 1975 when she was 8 months old. They settled in Grand Rapids and the book recounts how she felt being Vietnamese and growing up in blond Dutch country over here. For those of you who live/have lived in West Michigan, you'll recognize many of the streets, stores and places she talks about, which makes it fun to read.

*Girl With a Pearl Earring by Tracy Chevalier - Blah. It wasn't the most horrible book I've read but I was fairly bored through most of it. I've heard the movie is kind of dull as well.

*Firstborn by Robin Lee Hatcher - I thought this one was a decent read. It's another Christian fiction so you can probably guess the ending just by reading the back of the cover.

*Brushstrokes by Laurraine Snelling - See above description for Firstborn and insert here.

In my Trader Joe's bag lies even more books waiting to be read. I'm going to take the rest of today off from reading as well as tomorrow because I'll be visiting my friend, Rachel, and her boys for the day. Thursday will resume nerdiness. =)

Has anyone read any of these or have any other recommendations to throw out there?

Tube-ular Ellie

Does anyone else remember the phrase "tubular" from the '80s? Or was it early '90s? Oh, well.

I took Eleanor in to see the ENT specialist yesterday. She has so much fluid behind her ear drums that they (the ear drums) barely move. Her hearing is perfect, however. She passed that test with flying colors. The specialist kept telling me it's a problem with "her plumbing" of the ears. She has enlarged tonsils and adenoids and so nothing is able to drain out properly from what it sounds like. It explains why she's a mouth breather and a snorer. There is a large possibility the tonsils and/or adenoids will have to come out in the next couple years.

The solution: She is having surgery to put tubes in her ears on Friday morning. I understand that this is the fastest and most common surgical procedure and that I know at the very least five kids that have, or have had, tubes.

Yet I am still nervous. She's nine months old and they have to put her under anesthesia. I'm a wreck, quite honestly, when I think about it. What mom wouldn't be? I didn't go under anesthesia for the first time until I was almost 23 years old and it was a gas mask for my wisdom teeth. The only other time was when I had my D&C after my miscarriage and that was through an IV and then I was almost 24.

But nine months? I need prayer, people. Please pray for Eleanor - that she will be safe and that this will help her. Also pray for me (and Tim), that our nerves will be calmed and that we will continue to place our child in God's hands and trust Him with every moment.

Noah will be going to my parents' house tomorrow (Thursday) afternoon and will be spending the night. We already had plans to go there this weekend for a baby shower that I'm attending and so he'll just get a longer stay. I know this will be good for him because it has been a long time since he has had one-on-one time with my parents and they have missed each other.

I will give an update on Friday to let you know how she's doing! Oh, and on a side note - her first tooth appeared! Tim was the first to feel it Saturday night when she grabbed his finger and bit down on it. It explains the rough nights she has been having recently.