Bunny Trails and a Mustard Seed

Tim and I went to a marriage conference this past weekend on the other side of the state. It was great. Our friends, Josh and Renee, invited us back in the fall and offered their house for us to stay at. We loved this as it gave us an opportunity to visit with them and catch up on life. They were gracious hosts (they let us sleep in their bed and they took an air mattress upstairs - now that's sacrifice!) We had a wonderful time.
There have been so many things on my mind and I never know which ones to blog about and which not to. Ever since the whole "what-we're-looking-for-in-a-church" post back in the fall that caused a small ruckus, I feel as if I need to write in a different way. This is wrong, I know, in that this is my blog and if you don't like it - don't read it! However, I guess it hits me a certain way. A couple years ago Tim and I came to the realization that we're both people-pleasers. Not necessarily a good thing because you pretty much end up living your lives to accommodate the wants and desires (not needs) of others. Although we started to stick up for ourselves a bit more, I still worry about whether or not I'm going to offend someone.
I don't write many things about church anymore because the situation that followed with someone ended up as a hurtful experience and lost friendship.
I don't write truthfully about Tim's job anymore because my mom said, "I think your grandma reads your blog so make sure you don't write about ______________."
Besides updates, I don't write about this pregnancy because I have friends who have miscarried or are having trouble conceiving and I know it's a painful situation. One friend has stopped communication between us as our pregnancies were only a few weeks apart and I'm sure it's painful for her. Heck, I had to live it with my sister-in-law when I miscarried and she remained pregnant and I was about 3 weeks ahead of her. I know it's painful. I had to work through the hate, jealousy, anger and confusion as naive comments were made from people around us. Thank God that He is patient, constant, loving and can not only forgive us for our thoughts but also allow us to forgive others in our hearts when they don't even realize what they've done.
So my blog hasn't been updated much, not just because I haven't felt up-to-par in energy but because I never know how to write since I've apparently transported back into people-pleaser mode.
So would you like an honest update right now? Here it goes...
We love the church we are now attending. So much so that we actually went through the membership class and are being introduced (or whatever they do) as new members this coming Sunday. We have had the opportunity to meet and form relationships with amazing people who truly care about more than the superficial things in life. They want to get together and really talk - about life's valleys and mountain tops, about theological things, about anything! In a short amount of time we feel like we know them more than people we knew for years. Tim has become involved with the music team and also played in an indoor-soccer league with some guys from the church for the past two sessions. Currently, soccer is done right now so he has moved on to playing basketball at the church once a week. This has given him the opportunity to meet people and do something physically active which I never realized was so important for him. I am still attending the Ladies Bible Study and we are starting a study by Anne Graham Lotz called "The Vision of His Glory." It is on the book of Revelation, which has always terrified me, so I'm interested in seeing how this goes since it focuses more on hope than fear.
Work life. Tim was "fired" back at the beginning of December. He's self-employed and sub-contracted so "fired" for him means the owner of the painting company wasn't going to supply him with any more work. The most interesting thing, I think, was the way we responded to the phone call. He came inside (I had no idea what was going on) after a phone call during a morning shoveling snow and he said, "Well, I'm fired." I looked at him and said, "Ok. What do you want me to make you for lunch?" No stress or fear of the future. We have been through God's supernatural provision too many times. When he explained all of what transpired to me later, I was actually kind of happy that he wouldn't be working for the guy anymore. The whole thing was ridiculous and Tim didn't do anything wrong that he needed to be ashamed of. He has no regrets and I think that's great.
God has provided him with pretty steady work since, maybe a few days off here and there, but he's on his third side job since it happened. You have to understand this as well - Tim doesn't advertise, so the jobs that he gets come from word of mouth recommendations. I'm so proud of him. Since being "fired", they have called back twice. The first time was to ask what it would take to get him to come back. Tim gave them a list of "conditions" and hadn't heard back. The second call came on our way to the marriage conference this weekend and the manager (not owner - the manager Tim actually got along great with; it's the owner that has issues) asked if he could come in and help over the weekend. Tim told him we would be out of town. The manager informed him that he (the manager) had quit and was just going to finish the house up over the weekend and be done. So now the owner has lost his two full-time hardest workers. We're curious as to if he can even stay in business much longer with how he's running his business into the ground.
So we haven't been concerned in the work area. Oh! This is awesome, too: Tim had debated back and forth about calling Aaron, the guy who he first worked for and was taught to paint by, six years ago. After a couple days, he decided that he would wait and let Aaron call him if he needed help. (Besides a few weeks of work for Aaron a year ago, Tim has not painted with his company since Noah was born, so 4 1/2 years ago. We don't see or talk to Aaron so it would be random if Aaron actually called Tim.) About two hours later, Tim received a call from Aaron, whose company happens to be coming up on some busy schedules and he was wondering if/when Tim had availability and interest in doing some work. Would he?! What another sign of God's provision!
Now here is the biggest way we are praying right now. This one has been my struggle when I get emotional/hormonal and want to give up. We have to pay for this birth out of pocket. Our HSA does not cover maternity. You can buy a maternity rider, but you have to do so before becoming pregnant. Since we were not planning on becoming pregnant again, we never had time to buy a rider. We more than qualify for Medicaid, which we had to use for our other two births, but we decided at the beginning of this pregnancy that we didn't want to depend on it again. We trusted that God would provide for this baby, who was a surprise to us but not to Him.
We figured that extra money would go into the baby account and our tax return would cover the hospital stay which we researched the cost of. Not a problem. We assumed that, in all, if everything went as planned (which we know can seem like a stretch to think) it would cost us between $4,000-$6,000, which actually made it pointless to even buy a maternity rider as it would cost us the same amount and I think we still would have had other payments to make.
I had an appointment two weeks ago during which my midwife shared her concern for delivering at the hospital we originally planned. Apparently, some decisions are being made there and, coupled with short-staffed and over-worked nurses, she and her husband (the OB/GYN in the office) have become concerned for the safety of their patients, especially those of us who have had complications already in our pregnancies. The decision was still mine and Tim's to make on where to deliver and we are opting for the hospital in Grand Rapids. I called later that week to find out how much Spectrum charges for a birth and it's about twice as much as the other hospital. This means, we're now looking at about $10,000 for a birth with no complications or medications. Talk about motivation to go epidural-free!
My first reaction was freak-out, I'm not going to lie. I sobbed and told Tim we need to just do the Medicaid, which he still stood against. I hung up the phone on him, angry and confused. That's when the afternoon took another interesting turn. I sat down with my lunch and opened the Compassion magazine that we get for sponsoring kids from Compassion. On the first page is the president's letter and my eyes for some reason (or more likely by a nudge from the Lord) were immediately drawn to a paragraph toward the end of the letter. It reads:

Compassion decided not to seek funds from government sources. "The earth is the Lord's and everything in it" (Psalm 24:1 NIV). God is able to meet the financial needs of Compassion. It's our responsibility to trust the He will honor those who honor Him and then to steward with integrity the resources He provides through you, our sponsors. Of our $465 million annual budget, not one penny comes from the U.S. government.

Interesting, I thought. OK, so, yes, Compassion has sponsors to help them meet their budget, but at the same time I'm not needing $465 million here.
Then, about an hour or two later, I received a call from my mom that a relative was sending a check to Tim and I because she had felt it placed on her heart. The relative just wanted a phone call when we got the check to be certain it made it to us since she doesn't trust the postal service in her town. By the time I got off the phone with my mom, I could feel God's arms surrounding me.
"I'm sorry," I whispered in prayer. "I'm so dumb for forgetting that there is no amount of money that is impossible for you when everything on this earth is Your's."
This past weekend at the marriage conference, the speakers (Dave and Ann Wilson) encouraged all of us to come up with a mission for our marriage. Tim and I talked on the way back to Josh and Renee's house about what our mission could be. As soon as Tim started talking, I knew we would be on the same page. He talked about how God has provided for our family in awesome ways that are beyond what we could imagine. How we forget about verses like Matthew 17:20 that tell us:

For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.

We decided that a good mission phrase for our family would be something along the lines of Mustard Seed. In our society we depend so much on ourselves and what we can do for us. We depend on our government (and we all know how reliable that is) and what they can do for us. How often do we believe that our faith can make the impossible possible? Do we think the Bible lies? Or was it just applicable back when Jesus was around?
Yes, $10,000 seems like an outrageous amount of money to me when we have but $5 in a savings account. No, I have no clue how God is going to provide for this birth. But I know this much:
We have a mustard seed of faith. And that is all our God needs.

Seriously, Do They Ever Stop??

Yesterday I went out with my STATS group for their presentation. STATS is a program I volunteer/work with (I get a very small stipend and mileage reimbursed so I guess I can't say I totally volunteer) out of Reeths-Puffer High School. STATS stands for Straight Talk About Tough Stuff. High school students at R-P interview for a spot in it and only 48 are chosen. They then are broken up and organized (by the leaders) into 6 teams of 8 students - 4 boys and 4 girls. This year we have done things a bit differently and there are 3 sex teams and 3 substance abuse teams. The teams go out once a month during the school year to Muskegon County middle schools and teach the kids about abstinence. This is done through skits, songs, personal talks, tips on how to say "no", etc. The middle school kids think it's great to have these cool high school students interacting with them throughout the day and the teachers appreciate what the teams are doing.
There is some background. I lead one of the teams, which basically means that I am in charge of turning on the music (certain songs for certain skits, etc), keep track of the bag o' props, and cheer them on as well as give constructive criticism if they're getting out of hand. My group this year is fantastic which makes it even more enjoyable. They also "mother hen" me and don't let me carry anything, move anything, demand I sit, and even laid out a plan of what to do if I go into labor during a practice or performance (who will drive me to the hospital, who will lean out the car window mimicking ambulance noises and yelling "move out of the way! Lady in labor!", who will hold my hand in the backseat, etc.) They're a riot.
Anyways, back to the point of this post. Yesterday I was with my STATS team at North Muskegon middle school, which is also in the same building as the high school and connected to the elementary school. They all share the same cafeteria and other offices, etc. Small school, big building. We were not expecting to receive lunch, as we do from other schools, because they only had 3 classes to perform to and they were back-to-back-to-back. The principal, who was very kind, told me at the end of the first performance that he would have the second class come in a bit later so that we could have time to run down to the cafeteria and grab a bite to eat. Usually, we eat lunch with the students so that the kids can interact with them, but at N. Muskegon, the middle schoolers actually eat brunch and had already eaten. The high schoolers had also already consumed their lunches. We would be eating with the 1st-3rd graders. This was fine with us as we would mainly be shoveling our food in anyways to prep for the next performance.
I was not expecting what came next. As we walked down the hall to stand in line for lunch, these little munchkins were all around us. One small boy looked up and looked me right in the eye as I took my place in line.
It pierced my heart because all I could think of was how he was but a couple years older than Noah and that meant that in a couple years, Noah is going to be in a cafeteria eating lunch.
At school.
Without me.
My first instinct was to say, "I'm never sending Noah to school. He's staying home forever." This brought a couple things: one being my STATS kids saying, "No! You can't shelter him! Just be a good parent and he'll turn out like us." (They're quite confident, no? Good thing they really are great kids.)
The second was that I would never keep Noah from life experiences. I know they're going to hurt and I'm sure I'll be one of the parents that drops her son off at his first day of school and then cries afterward. It's a good thing we live within walking distance of the school so I just have to walk through a blur of tears and not operate a vehicle.
Every time I think about young-5s and kindergarten, I'm fine. I mean, really, right now he is in preschool 3 days a week for 2 1/2 hours each time. In Y-5 and kindergarten, he'll be there 5 days a week for around 3 hours. That's not too big a jump, and quite honestly, with a new baby here and Ellie being home still since she won't be old enough for preschool yet, I think Noah is going to want to be at school more than home and I will probably find things a bit easier to handle in the mornings.
It's that thinking about first grade that throws me off. He'll be gone all day. Will he make friends easily? Will kids like him? His teachers have always loved him - at church and at preschool. Will older kids bully him?
I posted not too long ago about our debating putting him in Y-5 instead of kindergarten next year. Now I'm posting this. I need to just chill out since the time is not here anyways.
Does a mother's heart ever get some kind of relief?
Do our tears always flow freely and easily?
Does parenting ever get easier?
Probably not.
It's worth it.