Like ME??!!

I have rarely heard - except from some of my family members - that Noah looks like me. Most of our friends, and strangers we come in contact with who feel free to give their opinion, say how much he looks like Tim. Well, apparently the look-a-like meter disagrees. I still don't see it, but it was fun to try!

Ross Look-alike Meter

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Freedom From Fear

I had an emotional and incredible day yesterday. On Wednesday, Tim and I took Noah to my parents' house. We stayed the night because a good friend of my mom's is a massage therapist and I had an appointment with her Thursday morning. The appointment had been scheduled for awhile and I had actually told my mom on Saturday to tell Judy that I probably wouldn't be able to keep it because financially I can't splurge on that right now. Judy called me Monday afternoon and said, "I am still planning on you on Thursday. Don't worry about the cost." Through tears I thanked her.
One thing you should know is that my mom has a couple friends that I have nicknamed her "prophetic friends." I doubt they think of themselves that way. It amazes me, though, that God speaks to us all in different ways and He speaks to them through visions, dreams, and placing Scripture or His Words deeply on their hearts. Some people tend to get freaked out by this, thinking that God can't possibly speak that way anymore...it's such an Old Testament thing to do. I have grown to love them for it and it has helped to again break God out of the box that I have put Him in. They never predict things and they love God purely, genuinely, and wholly.
This is why I found myself having a brief conversation with my mom yesterday morning before my appointment. "If Judy feels God speaking to her to say something to you, she won't do it unless she has permission from you because she doesn't like to make people uncomfortable. How do you feel about that?" I laughed, "Well, I had already expected it to be an emotional time for some reason, so I will let her know I am ok with it."
Here is the thing - Judy has only come into our lives within the last few years. I didn't grow up with her, like I did my mom's friend, Cheryl (who now does a Bible Study with Judy and my mom on Wednesday mornings.) Judy doesn't know much of my background or fears - she doesn't know really, besides what Tim does for a living and the fact I'm pregnant and that she thinks Noah is an adorable boy - what is going on in our lives right now with Tim's work and finances.
As she left me in the room to undress and settle on the table (which was an interesting experience in itself since I had to be massaged while lying on my side since I'm pregnant) I started wondering if I really did want to hear if God had anything to say through her. Sometimes I like to remain in the pit of what I know...even if I am miserable in there. I have let Satan draw me into it and make me comfortable.
Judy came in and immediately by looking at my back was able to pick out the tension in my right shoulder. As soon as she touched me I felt a struggle begin. Do I give her permission? Do I lay back and have a quiet massage? After a moment I spoke up: "Judy, if the Lord speaks to you to tell me something...I'm open to hearing it."
She laughed in amazement and rested her hands on my shoulder. "As soon as I touched you all I could feel was fear," she said. "You have so much fear in you." She continued to work on the tension spots. "I feel like the Lord is telling me it's fear due to finances." It took about one second for me to start crying.
She started quoting Scripture to me and telling me things I need to do. "When fear grips you, you need to give that to God. But when you give those thoughts to God, your brain is then left empty...that's when Satan can throw more lies at you. Give those fears and lies to the Lord and then immediately place Scripture in your heard and start meditating on it. The Scripture I keep seeing is, 'My God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.' (Philippians 4:19.) Andrea, he is going to meet ALL your needs. When you were young, did you wonder whether or not your parents were going to provide your food?" "No," I answered. "Did you eat breakfast and wonder whether or not dinner was going to be there?" "No." "Why?" Judy questioned. "I guess I just assumed that since they were my parents they were going to take care of me and feed me," I answered. "Why do you expect less of your heavenly Father? Do you think He won't provide for you, that He doesn't love you even more than your parents?"
She continued to speak to me, drawing visualizations to help me see a point, quoting Scripture, stopping occasionally just to ask if the pressure she was applying to my muscles was too hard or soft and if I was comfortable enough. I felt myself continue to struggle inside between wanting to believe everything she was saying and not wanting to let go of the financial fear I have held on to for so long. She told me that through God we have authority and then challenged me to look at my checkbook and say, "I know that we will have enough money to make it through this month." She told me that the numbers might say otherwise, but that God is not limited by those numbers and what He can accomplish.
But she doesn't know how bad things are for us, I thought to myself.
She worked quietly for a couple moments and I waited to hear where she would go next. "Are you thinking, but she doesn't know my situation?" she asked.
Another round of sobs burst from me and I could only nod and laugh through them. She laughed as well. "Thank you, Lord," I heard her whisper.
She threw more Scripture to me and lectured me a moment longer. Then she stopped and placed her hands on my shoulder and hip and started praying over me. I can't remember everything she said, but I remember feeling like chains were falling off me...like I was lighter and freer than I have been in months. I would repeat in my heart things she was saying out loud, echoing them to God.
I am not a charismatic person. Churches with healing services and different things outside of my norm make me uncomfortable. I also have come to realize of late that I am so tired of the limits that churches of today have placed on God and what He can and cannot do. He can heal. He speaks to us all - in ways that are unique to each of us. We don't like when He speaks to some in ways that make us uncomfortable so we just discount what that person says.
I know that yesterday, as Judy reminded me later, she didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. She didn't tell me any Scripture that I hadn't already read, she didn't tell me any emotions that I wasn't already struggling with. But she called them out on me and I could feel God speaking through her. I was finally at a point where I was crying out to God feeling as if He had abandoned me and He got through to me in a way that He knew I would hear.
Judy, Mom and Tim all commented on how much my face had changed. I heard the words: soft, relaxed and happy from them. I am not dumb enough to believe that this is fight is forever gone and Satan will not try to attack me again. But this time I am willing to fight tooth and nail for my faith.
I feel so free.

Snow+Hot Chocolate+Family=A Fun Day

Tim is again without work for the time being (don't worry, financially we're making it right now) so he was home with us yesterday. He was in Grand Rapids for one-on-one meetings with people all day Monday and today. I was gone Tuesday morning speaking at Calvin with my friend, Jen. Yesterday we decided to make it a fun family day since there were no plans for the entire day.

After waking up (well, after Noah waking us up by throwing books onto the bed and telling us he wanted to read) we read books in bed together followed by the unexciting breakfast of cereal. We played in his room for a little bit, singing and dancing and making puppets sing and dance as well and then I wanted to do my prenatal yoga. I convinced Tim, who had been complaining of sore muscles from playing basketball the night before, to do it with me to help stretch out his achey muscles. After quite a few moments of hesitation he said he would try but stressed the keyword try. Noah settled in at the kitchen table with some crayons and coloring books while Tim and I launched into prenatal yoga. I do a 2-part DVD straight through, but he stopped after the first one. I was impressed he made it that far! He did admit to feeling more relaxed afterwards.

After I finished the rest of the workout we piled on layers of clothes to play outside in the snow since it was sunny and looked beautiful out. After wrestling Noah's snow clothes on him (why does it have to be so hard to get everything on kids? I have to use a specific order to put everything on to make sure clothing stays exactly where it should be and mittens don't fall off later.) we ventured outside to find it was a frigid and bitter day. We played outside for a bit anyways, making snow angels (I opted out) and throwing snow at each other (not in the form of snowballs though since it was too cold, more like throwing powder at each other.)

We finally brought out red cheeks and noses in to settle down with some hot chocolate and a snack. Tim decided to take Noah with him to run some errands and buy a cheap sled so I was able to enjoy some time alone and get myself ready for the day.

I made lunch when they got home and Noah, after using the potty (he always wants to use it after lunch and we think it's in order to stall naptime but who cares as long as he's using it?) finally was tucked in for a nap. Tim spent the next hour or so making business networking phone calls and I listened to a CD my mom gave me with a sermon on it and then grabbed a quick couple-minute nap. My friend, Kelly, called to chat and announce that she is 12 weeks pregnant. I thought this was funny since the day before I had actually had one of those "feelings" that she was, kind of randomly. So we talked about pregnancies and how she also is trying for a natural birth this time around, how we've been feeling, etc. Tim and I are so excited for them! I was telling my mom later on the phone that it's weird to have transitioned from when all of our friends were calling to say they were getting married...then you get calls and make calls on being pregnant for the first time...then everyone starts calling to announce their second pregnancies. I'm feeling older and older. =)

I have been craving breakfast foods recently so last night for dinner we had crepes, turkey bacon and scrambled eggs. It was yummy. Tim took Noah outside to play with his new sled after dinner while I cleaned up. When they came in, I made hot chocolate for them (again!) and then started making brownies (I would say chocolate is my other craving...but that's a craving even when I'm not pregnant.)

After Noah went to bed Tim and I settled on the couch with our brownies, ice cream, and the last Dave Ramsey DVD in the Financial Peace series. We were on the last session to watch and it was a great one. We talked for awhile afterwards about some different things that were brought up during the DVD, played a few quick games of Minesweeper (it's been our competition between each other lately) and then headed to bed.

It was a fabulously fun family day. I kept thinking of how we only have three more months of it being just the three of us and then Ellie will be joining in on the fun as well. I think she is already preparing me for middle of the night feedings, as I was jolted awake at 3:00am by her strong movements and then she proceeded to kick and punch me for the next hour. I had a half hour of peace that I tried to fall asleep during and then she resumed her kickboxing from 4:30-5:15. I slept for the next hour off and on until Noah decided to have an early morning at 6:30am. I know someday I'll probably have to drag them from their beds to get to school or church ontime, but right now I just can't envision that day very well.

Are you crazy?

I have decided that I want to have a natural, drug-free childbirth with this baby.
Yes, apparently I am crazy.
I had the epidural with Noah, and although it made for a pain-free labor all afternoon, it screwed up the entire process. The first time I saw this new doctor in Grand Haven she bombarded me with questions about Noah's labor and delivery. She told me that although 21 hours is a long time to be in labor and 2 hours is a long time to push...they are actually the average for the first time birthing process. However, she said that from how it sounds the fact that they gave me the epidural as early as they did (4 cm dilated) resulted in the labor going from regular and strong to irregular. I had to end up receiving pitocin to help things along because I was stuck at 6 for hours. She said that this time around they wouldn't be administering it as early in an attempt to help things progress more natural and quicker.
This got me to the mind-set of "I don't want to ask for an epidural until I absolutely need it." I was ok at that mindset. Until this past week.
I do prenatal yoga and I love it. I skip over the final relaxation part and usually ignore when they talk about "stimulating your intuition" or "letting your tailbone relax into the earth", etc. But the stretches...oh, the stretches and exercises just feel heavenly on my body. As a result I have not been dealing with the typical hip/lower back/sciatic nerve pains. The instructor points out exercises along the way that are useful to use in labor to help the baby "spiral down" or "get into proper position" or whatever. This got me to thinking, "Maybe if I continue to keep up on my yoga, go over the section (oh, yes, there's even a section) on labor room yoga exercises, and really take the time to prepare myself and research...I could have a natural labor."
The first time I mentioned it to Tim, he laughed. I gave it a few days and then brought it up again. He was completely supportive this time around after seeing that I was really being serious. So I started research.
I spent almost 2 hours researching The Bradley Method last night. I would like to look into it a little more - with Tim since it's focus is "husband-coached childbirth." He obviously would have to learn alot for this one.
I went to the library today and checked out four books, all dealing with natural childbirths. I started reading the first one, "Birth Without Violence" by Dr. Frederick Leboyer and decided it wasn't for me. I mean, I can see the guy's point on some things, but first of all - it's written from the point of view mostly from the baby, which is weird to read and second - I just can't accept everything he says. I mean, sure it would be great for a baby to be born into silence rather than the chaos of the delivery room, but let's be realistic: if you think I'm not going to be raising my voice and doing those weird woman-pushing noises during delivery than you've got another think coming.
And, no, I'm not trying to be a feminist or feel the consequence of Eve's sin or be holistic and new-agey. I just really actually want to experience childbirth for all it is. I keep thinking, if women for hundreds- or thousands - of years could do this without an epidural, then I can too.
Plus, I have the comfort of knowing the epidural is there if I need it.

Secrets of the Belly

I was walking through Meijer today and, out of the blue, was struck with the thought of how amazing pregnancy is. I hated my first trimester since I was throwing up every day and fatigued while chasing a toddler around the house. Now that I'm in my second trimester, I'm doing prenatal yoga - which has helped in that I have not had any lower back or hip pain - and feeling great (well, I still haven't found the second trimester energy I had with Noah, but I think it's due to, again, chasing him around. I can't just nap when I want to.)
Anyways, I was thinking of how when I am out in public people look at me and see a pregnant belly. Many women will look at my bulge of a belly and then look up and give me a sweet smile, some even ask questions. While at Meijer, Ellie decided to wake up and become active and all I could think was, "People look and see a belly, but they don't know what's going on inside. These kicks are just for me, like my own little secret I share with my daughter." Sure, sometimes she kicks my bladder, or settles down on to it for a long winter's rest and it is at those times I think of how it is a foreshadowing the stresses and pains she will plague me with when she becomes a teenager. Yet most of the time I cherish these moments. I love feeling the movement, her own little underwater ballet. I know that as the pregnancy progresses, and by the time I hit the ninth month, anyone and everyone looking at my stomach will be able to see her movements popping out in an alien-like way, but for now it is just me and her. Well, and Tim felt her for the first time last week on my birthday but hasn't been able to feel anything again.
I don't know what she is doing in her little room in my womb. Maybe she is sucking her thumb or trying to stretch. I wonder if she enjoys listening to all of us talking to her, or if she can feel (probably not) Noah pat my belly before he goes to bed and say "Night Ewwie." I wonder if she feels a sense of calm when Tim talks to her at night or when I share my secrets and dreams with her during the day.
I can't wait to meet this little mystery inside me. I can't wait to see the secrets she holds that only God knows right now - what she looks like, what her personality will be, is she completely healthy or are there medical mysteries in there as well? For now...for now I cherish my daughter and the secrets she carries and movements she shares with just me.

Happy New Year!

Whenever I think of starting a new year, the song "The New Year" by Death Cab for Cutie (from the CD "Transatlanticism") always starts to wind its way into my head. In case you haven't heard Death Cab, they are very "emo" so the songs are always mellow and at times depressing. Anyways, have hope for and look forward to your New Year, unlike this song:

"So this is the new year.
And i don't feel any different.
The clanking of crystal
Explosions off in the distance (in the distance).

So this is the new year
And I have no resolutions
For self assigned penance
For problems with easy solutions

So everybody put your best suit or dress on
Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
As thirty dialogs bleed into one

I wish the world was flat like the old days
Then i could travel just by folding a map
No more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways
There'd be no distance that could hold us back.
There'd be no distance that could hold us back [x2]
So this is the new year [x4]"