Recently I have been hearing about many marriages that are breaking up or separating or just listening to wives who are frustrated with their husbands. It makes me sad because I can't relate. I don't have a perfect marriage but I am pretty darn blessed. I am able to open my eyes in the morning, look over at Tim and wonder how it's possible to be more in love now than when we got married just over 8 years ago.
Then I realized something that really makes a difference in our marriage: we empathize with each other, not just sympathize, but really feel and relate to what the other is experiencing. For instance:
I got the kids settled with their lunches today. Before starting mine, I decided to clean up the mess on the counter I had made while making theirs, thinking about what time I should start dinner for tonight so that we could be done eating in enough time to get to Tim's soccer game. Then I realized I needed to switch the laundry over. While I wrestled carrying a load of laundry from the dryer to the bed, where I would need to think about folding it at some point today, Noah asked if I could get him more water. At this point, I thought about how I could have almost snapped. Here I am caring for my family's physical needs (eating), social calendar (soccer) and home management (laundry.) That's a lot to juggle all at the same moment in time. I can see why we women get overwhelmed!
I know husbands who still have the idea in their heads that the wife should be following the same format from the '50s, where dinner is ready when they get home, the kids are clean, the wife is showered and dressed to impress, and the house is spotless and quiet. Ha! Gone are those days, men. Accept it. Life is different 60 years later.
Thankfully, Tim gets this. What helped him was when he had to experience it for a few days last fall during my "busy season" of work, and he didn't even have to experience it to the max. All he had to do was be a stay-at-home dad for a few days, but I still planned out meals ahead of time - either in the crock pot or having a casserole ready to pop in the oven - dropped Noah off at school and planned for my work day on top of it. By the second day of experiencing a week in my shoes, he was begging to go to Meijer and run errands when I got home at the end of the day. He understood the importance of needing a break and needing to get out of the house for a couple hours!
But it goes both ways. I have also learned about Tim and his work. I realize that when he gets home, it doesn't help him if I start nagging as soon as he comes through the door. He is a painter and physically exhausted when he is done with the day. I really came to realize this when we started working on projects together and I would have to paint. My arms grew tired quickly! Then I realized he does it for 8-10 hours a day! Sometimes he's painting ceilings or sanding or staining or doing all sorts of different things. I have to put myself in his daily shoes to see what he's experiencing to appreciate what he does to provide for our family.
I wonder how many people do that. Maybe more wives need to experience what their husband is doing for them to appreciate it rather than growing jealous that he gets to "get out of the house" every day. Maybe more husbands need a couple days with the kids - without help from surrounding family - to appreciate their wives and loosen their expectations of what one can accomplish in a day.
I am thankful for my husband. So thankful. I love the home we have created and the path we are walking on through life. It's not always fun, but I know we'll try to relate to each other as we go through it together.
