A pen falls upon the paper, writes, lifts up. There is the scratching out of words with pauses to reflect upon what is being said, quietly mumbled awkward and short prayers that the Lord will give the pen the words to write.
It's hard to do something you need to, that God has told you to, but that you don't want to.
Over five years ago, I had a falling out with a family member. I won't go into what the relation is or what the situation was, but it was a large enough incidence that it has changed our entire family dynamic. And when I say "entire" I mean aunts, uncles, cousins, sisters, grandma, entire.
I was blamed for things I didn't do, say, or think and there has been a dump of hurt stinking up my heart since. It hurts worst in the beginning and as time goes by and reconciliation looks more and more impossible, it's easy to live life with incidents forgotten and shoved down under mounds of daily life and present needs.
But sometimes what a heart needs most is to be free...chains broken, light enough to fly, released from bitterness that steeps. It means learning to forgive what most likely won't be confessed and asking for forgiveness for what was your mistake.
Over the years I have thought about writing this letter. Tim has mentioned at random times that I should really write this letter. I didn't want to do it, though. I didn't know where to even begin. So I turned from what God was repeatedly revealing at intervals to me to instead live with my hurt because if I tried hard enough I could make it numb.
After taking last year away from the ladies' Bible study at my church to ease the transition into homeschooling, I was excited to jump back in this year. Little did I know what the year would hold for me. As we have been working through Beth Moore's study on the life of David, I have felt a peeling back of the layers in my heart. When I felt a certain name come into my mind, though, I was quick to push it back down.
I continued to dance around what the Lord was telling me to do, but He was doing it with more persistence and urgency this time. Consistently, I would struggle through this. One week I would feel ready to do it and the next I would go so far as to clamp my mouth shut against a quivering chin and rebellious heart as we did an exercise in forgiveness.
When it came time in David's story to learn about Amnon, Tamar, Absalom, David, and a legion of emotions felt but never dealt with, I knew I couldn't wait any longer. Each week God prepared my heart and soul more for what needed to happen. It was not lightly that I sat down with my notebook and pen and a prayerful heart.
After I wrote it and prayed over it, I shared it with two sage and godly women to check me on tone, motives, and if anything needed to be taken out. I wanted to take responsibility for what was mine, but I didn't want it to be flowery or take responsibility for what was hers.
And then it went into the mail.
I don't know how it will be received. I believe it will be a miracle if there is reconciliation that comes from this. You know what, though? Sometimes you need to do things because it's what right, not because you expect something to come from it
. I needed to be the one to break the ice here. I needed to ask forgiveness for what I had done wrong. I also need to be willing to forgive in my heart the hurt she brought, even if she never asks for it.
And by doing that?
I can go from this moment lighter. I know that God called me to do something and instead of turning and running...again...I acted in obedience. And, really, that's what matters most. My obedience to the Lord. I am not here to make others happy, but to glorify God. He has begun a good work in me (Philippians 1:6) and through my life He is going to keep shaping me and working in me until my day of completion when I join Him.
