So as Noah comes closer to starting preschool (beginning of September!) I start to think more and more about school. I reflect on my school years and this is my conclusion:
I'm terrified for him.
I have talked about this with friends of mine who are teachers and my friend, Jen, who has a daughter entering kindergarten. I have all these fears: What if he doesn't listen and obey his teachers? What if his speech/stuttering/beginning consonant dropping doesn't improve and no one understands him? What if kids are mean to him? What if he is mean to someone?
When I asked the last two questions to my friend, Rachel, who is going in to her seventh year teaching kindergarten (and has taught in three different states in a variety of charter, Christian, and inner city public schools) she very plainly but kindly said, "Here's the thing, Annie: He's going to hit a kid. You're going to pick him up one day and the teacher will say, 'Noah hit Billy today.' Then you'll go home and tell him why we don't hit people, discipline him and he'll learn over time. There will come another day where Noah is hit by Billy and Noah will cry and the teacher will sit both of them down and make Billy apologize and he will cry because he'll feel bad and then the teacher will have two crying kids on her hands. It's life. It's his age and he's a boy. They're not really maliciously bullying at this age."
She made me feel a little better. Until I realized there will be an age where the bullying is malicious. It just doesn't make sense to me. I remember teasing kids in school, unfortunately. Or more, I remember being in the group of kids that did. I can remember only a couple times I tried it in jr. high and felt absolutely awful afterwards. The guys I hung out with were also quick to tease each other, so everyone was fair game in their eyes. But I can remember some kids specifically that I would hurt so bad for and it makes me mad now.
Why didn't I try to stop them? Was I really so concerned with who my friends were, with a false sense of popularity, that I cared? More toward the end of my high school years I became more of a social butterfly. Kind of flitting from group to group and finding things I liked about the people in each. There were "The Outsiders" (remember us, Bek, in all our "We will NOT be fake witchy Barbies" attitude?) There was my group of girls that I didn't so much spend a lot of time with, but we had known each other since preschool and had bonds that tied us because of it. There was the group of guys, the athletes, as we sat with them - lining the halls on both sides and making people step over our legs to cross. Although I knew most of these boys since elementary as well, they stayed more a part of my life as long as I was dating Brooks. It was more comfortable after we broke up and I could sit with other people without the puppy dog eyes stare he would give me when he wanted me to sit by him. I was free to sit near Jesse, my quiet giant of a friend, or Randy - all of us girls wanted to be his first kiss and I think Bekah and I could have near ripped Lisa's head off when she got to be it.
Anyways, I'm back now. Sorry about that. Once the memory floodgates open, they're hard to stop.
I pray so hard that Noah will be a godly young man. I hope with everything in me that he will not tease or bully others and that he will not be the target of such. I want him to be the guy who can stand up for those who are weak and have the confidence required to not care about who his audience is.
And Ellie. Don't even get me started on all the concerns I have for her. My friend, Renee, was telling me about the whole cyber-bullying and IM scene and how young it starts and how horrible it is. It's as if I want to drill in all the years of wisdom I have now, my experiences and lessons learned, into their little heads so they can see that years later, when they are in college or adults or parents, none of it is going to matter. The popularity doesn't follow you. I went from being very known in high school to not known in college. Well, Cornerstone was small so it was easy to get to know people, but I mean I wasn't popular. I don't really know who was in college. It's a whole different thing.
Sometimes I am so tempted to homeschool until I realize I would go crazy! If I was rich maybe I would just get a tutor or private instructor. Then I realize that I want my kids to have school experiences. I want them to go to prom and other dances, to be athletic or artistic or academic or whatever they are talented in. I want them to make friends and have to walk through those life lessons to grow and challenge them.
How do you remove your mother-of-steel-protective-arms to let them go?
Friday, August 22, 2008
It's Official
We are 100% cloth diapers with Ellie now. I'm still getting the hang of things, but so far I have found them to be quite easy and actually faster to change than a disposable. Her butt looks about 3 times as big, but so cute, too! We'll still use disposables when we're traveling for long periods of time (like up north next weekend) but even for short day trips or visiting friends we'll be using the cloth. I like it. I was so intimidated to use them, but I'm shocked at how very simple they are. Although I have already lost my one and only Snappi so I have to find where I can get another one now...good thing it's not totally necessary.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
This Will Sound Dumb...
Thanks to a couple girls entering my high school youth group this year, I spent the past week absorbed in a book series. About 3 weeks ago at our high school pool party, a couple of the girls were leaving early to go to one of those midnight book parties at Barnes and Noble. I started talking to them about the series and was shocked to find out this was actually the fourth and final book, as I had not heard of them before. I asked what it was about.
Mistake.
Maddie started telling me about how it was just a teenage love story but one of the main characters was a vampire. No, thank you, I told her. I don't do scary books anymore. She told me it wasn't scary because the author writes about them in a way that you can imagine they're real.
Um, that sounds pretty darn scary to me. I definitely don't want to think about my neighbors possibly being vampires. So I wished them a fun night and they were off, as memories of standing in lines to get Harry Potter books filled my head. We went to a couple of those bookstore parties with Randy and Deidra before then heading over to Meijer to get the cheaper copy.
Then out of nowhere over the next couple weeks I felt like everywhere I turned all I heard about was this "Twilight"series by Stephenie Meyer. Suddenly I felt this pull to the series. I had to read it. It bothered me that I was late in starting it - I mean, the last book was already out! (Although in the end it makes it much easier to read when you can fly through the entire story and move on to the next book without waiting another two years...kind of like renting a sesaon of "Lost" and not having to sit through commercials or months of one episode a week.)
Casually I asked Maddie if I could borrow the books. I read the first one in a day and, not able to wait the two days until I would see her to get the next one, I bought it at Meijer while grocery shopping that afternoon. She brought me the third and I devoured it only to have to wait a couple days for the last one until I saw her again.
I could not believe how hooked I was on these dumb books. And I say dumb because, yes, they are and yet there is something so addicting and captivating about them that you can't help but want the next one. Her writing is not outstanding but there is something there that hooks you. And I will confess:
I have never had a crush on a character in a book. Well, there are a couple Jane Austen characters that I wouldn't have minded running across a couple hundred years ago if they were real and I was alive, but overall I tend not to crush on characters. Edward is another story. Everytime Tim saw me reading the books, he would make a comment about my vampire boyfriend.
So all that ended as I finished the last book today, less than 24 hours after receiving it from Maddie. Yes, my children probably felt somewhat neglected in the past week at times. I was disappointed overall in the book. I am glad it had a happy ending, but it was kind of a letdown after the other ones. I want something exciting to end a series and this was not that. It is probably a good thing because I didn't finish the book thinking, 'Oh, I wish it would go on longer.' It was a good, clean break.
Now I have my final Karen Kingsbury book in the whole Redemption/Fame/Sunrise series coming out in September. That will make me cry. And I know that I will want her characters to go on. If you have not read any Karen Kingsbury books - you need to. Now. Pick any of them. Have a box of Kleenex handy. I have cried in every single one, including the children's book she wrote.
I don't know if I would recommend the "Twilight" series. If you want a quick (even though they look like large books, the font is big and the margins wide) and easy read, go for it. There were a couple things that irked me that I don't like the thought of all these teenage girls reading. There are never any explicit sex scenes - but the sexual tension is there and there is quite a bit of it. I don't want these girls thinking that once you're married, all you do is have sex all the time. Then they probably would all be jumping into marriage or just start having sex anyways. I guess it could be a good discussion starter.
On to the next book - "Pagan Christianity" by George Barna and Frank Viola. From fiction to non-, here I go. My guess is there won't be vampires in this one...
Mistake.
Maddie started telling me about how it was just a teenage love story but one of the main characters was a vampire. No, thank you, I told her. I don't do scary books anymore. She told me it wasn't scary because the author writes about them in a way that you can imagine they're real.
Um, that sounds pretty darn scary to me. I definitely don't want to think about my neighbors possibly being vampires. So I wished them a fun night and they were off, as memories of standing in lines to get Harry Potter books filled my head. We went to a couple of those bookstore parties with Randy and Deidra before then heading over to Meijer to get the cheaper copy.
Then out of nowhere over the next couple weeks I felt like everywhere I turned all I heard about was this "Twilight"series by Stephenie Meyer. Suddenly I felt this pull to the series. I had to read it. It bothered me that I was late in starting it - I mean, the last book was already out! (Although in the end it makes it much easier to read when you can fly through the entire story and move on to the next book without waiting another two years...kind of like renting a sesaon of "Lost" and not having to sit through commercials or months of one episode a week.)
Casually I asked Maddie if I could borrow the books. I read the first one in a day and, not able to wait the two days until I would see her to get the next one, I bought it at Meijer while grocery shopping that afternoon. She brought me the third and I devoured it only to have to wait a couple days for the last one until I saw her again.
I could not believe how hooked I was on these dumb books. And I say dumb because, yes, they are and yet there is something so addicting and captivating about them that you can't help but want the next one. Her writing is not outstanding but there is something there that hooks you. And I will confess:
I have never had a crush on a character in a book. Well, there are a couple Jane Austen characters that I wouldn't have minded running across a couple hundred years ago if they were real and I was alive, but overall I tend not to crush on characters. Edward is another story. Everytime Tim saw me reading the books, he would make a comment about my vampire boyfriend.
So all that ended as I finished the last book today, less than 24 hours after receiving it from Maddie. Yes, my children probably felt somewhat neglected in the past week at times. I was disappointed overall in the book. I am glad it had a happy ending, but it was kind of a letdown after the other ones. I want something exciting to end a series and this was not that. It is probably a good thing because I didn't finish the book thinking, 'Oh, I wish it would go on longer.' It was a good, clean break.
Now I have my final Karen Kingsbury book in the whole Redemption/Fame/Sunrise series coming out in September. That will make me cry. And I know that I will want her characters to go on. If you have not read any Karen Kingsbury books - you need to. Now. Pick any of them. Have a box of Kleenex handy. I have cried in every single one, including the children's book she wrote.
I don't know if I would recommend the "Twilight" series. If you want a quick (even though they look like large books, the font is big and the margins wide) and easy read, go for it. There were a couple things that irked me that I don't like the thought of all these teenage girls reading. There are never any explicit sex scenes - but the sexual tension is there and there is quite a bit of it. I don't want these girls thinking that once you're married, all you do is have sex all the time. Then they probably would all be jumping into marriage or just start having sex anyways. I guess it could be a good discussion starter.
On to the next book - "Pagan Christianity" by George Barna and Frank Viola. From fiction to non-, here I go. My guess is there won't be vampires in this one...
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Three Years...
It is a beautiful, sunny morning. The forecast calls for dry weather, sunshine and a temperature in the low 80s. In a few hours my parents will be arriving at our house, followed by my sister and her family and then some friends who live in the area and their children.
I hear the weather was incredibly humid three years ago. I wouldn't know since I was within hospital walls awaiting the arrival of my son. All I felt was a morning of contractions followed by a lazy and long painless afternoon, thanks to an epidural.
I can't believe it's been three years. I have experienced the most amazing feelings, emotions, and moments in becoming a mother. I have wanted to run away, pull out my hair, bottle up the love I feel, and gaze all night at a peacefully sleeping boy in his bed. I have been through smiles, tears, teething, the flu, potty training (still not 100% there), binky weaning, and so much more.
At the moment he is running around in his dinosaur costume from last Halloween, so excited that this afternoon he gets to eat "dinosaur cake" (which is really just ice cream cake with a picture of a dinosaur on it.)
I wish I had a camcorder to record all these moments because they fly by so quickly. We look at our pictures and small video clips from the digital camera on the computer and I just can't believe how much he's grown in the last year - even in the last few months. All of a sudden they change from helpless infant, crying for someone to meet their every need because they can't on their own...to independent preschool age, crying because they have fallen and scraped their knees because their small bodies can't keep up with the boundless energy and movement they have.
I knew none of these things as I sat in the hospital room. I knew nothing besides wanting to get through labor, wanting to see what this small boy inside me looked like. I knew not of how my heart would be trapped in his gaze, how a tiny memory or thought could make me fall to pieces as I remember his baby days, how happy I could be over the smallest things he does. I knew not of the intensity I would feel, wanting to fiercely protect him from the world.
And here he is. Three years old. Starting preschool in the fall, old enough for storytime at the library, switching from church nursery to the Explorers room where he will sing songs, hear stories, color pictures, and learn about the love of God.
He is fantastic, my son. He is challenging and independent, a force to be reckoned with. He is loving and sensitive, always ready with a hug and kiss or pat on the back for those hurting. He is dinosaurs and books, Go Diego Go! and flashlights, trucks and coloring all rolled into a handsome bouncing three year old. His life is a musical as he makes up songs about being in the bathtub, eating, playing outside, dancing in the living room, and having a baby sister. Just as he spins in circles faster and faster, the years of his life seem to be flying by like that to me.
Today the camera will be at the ready, waiting to capture what moments we can while he is still. Otherwise they're just a blur as he runs from one moment to the next, hungry to experience life as we scramble to keep up with his enthusiasm and excitement.
We love you Noah. We always will.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
My Two Confessions....
1.) I don't know how this happened, but shortly after Ellie was born I started receiving UsWeekly in the mail. I have never signed up for it, but every week it comes - delivered to my name and address. So this, sadly, has become one of my favorite times of the week: the day I find the trashy celebrity tabloid in the mail. I cannot wait to put the kids down for their afternoon nap and then settle down to catch up on the celebrity gossip (of which I'm sure much is not actually true.) There's something so...mindless about it. I know, I am sad.
2.) Sudoku. I have become a huge fan. When the newspaper comes, the first thing I do is read the comics. The second thing I do is break out my pencil (or, if I have to, a pen) and tackle the number puzzle. I could admit to being a nerd, but I will instead defend my Sudoku love with the fact it is keeping my mind sharp. Plus, I'm getting very good at it and have become quite quick in solving them. This is when Tim told me I was obsessed: when the newspaper became not enough for me and I started playing them on www.websudoku.com. I guess in order to combat the mindlessness of UsWeekly, I need to conquer Sudoku.
2.) Sudoku. I have become a huge fan. When the newspaper comes, the first thing I do is read the comics. The second thing I do is break out my pencil (or, if I have to, a pen) and tackle the number puzzle. I could admit to being a nerd, but I will instead defend my Sudoku love with the fact it is keeping my mind sharp. Plus, I'm getting very good at it and have become quite quick in solving them. This is when Tim told me I was obsessed: when the newspaper became not enough for me and I started playing them on www.websudoku.com. I guess in order to combat the mindlessness of UsWeekly, I need to conquer Sudoku.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Old Friends
We have been very busy lately and continue to be until the end of the month. Two weeks ago, my college freshman roommate, Dee, and her husband, Gabe, were visiting GR and popped over for dinner and a visit one night. It was great to see her, as I haven't seen her since I was pregnant with Noah. She made the most adorable outfit for Ellie that I'll hopefully be able to fit on her this fall, if not - winter. I can't wait to sew that well someday...
This past weekend another blast from my past came for an overnight visit with her husband. That was my friend, Renee, who I have known since...I don't know, Renee, how long?...maybe we were four or five? She moved in high school and I had not seen her in a good twelve years or so. It was fantastic to meet her husband and introduce her to my family and just to have face-to-face conversation and not over email, Facebook, etc. It has been fun re-connecting with her and we've had some really good, deep conversations. So that made for a great weekend.
I was looking at the calendar today and from today until the end of the month I have only 4 days with NO writing on them for plans. That's nuts. This weekend is Noah's birthday so my family will be in town. I can't believe my boy is turning 3 already! Where does the time go? And my baby is almost 4 months! She has started turning from back to stomach, at almost the same age Noah did (both at 3 1/2 months) and then she goes into a really good "tummy time" where you can tell she's so proud of herself and enjoying a new view. I'm hoping she really starts to perfect it so she'll start rolling herself onto her belly to sleep at night. I always feel like they sleep better and longer on their tummies. I know everyone my age was a belly sleeper since the pediatricians all said at that time not to put us on our backs to sleep, but how the times have changed. They even remind you on the diapers: Back to Sleep. So my mother-guilt kicks in every time I even think about the idea of putting her on her belly to sleep. That is why I get excited when she can roll and do it herself.
Noah asks every day if he can go to school yet. It's hard to explain that long amount of time to a little kid. He gets his backpack out and wears it around. Sometimes he calls it his "Rescue Pack" thanks to Go Diego Go! Diego has become his hero, as well as dinosaurs. No two things could make him happier. I think his dream moment would be if I let him eat cookies or ice cream while watching Diego surrounded by his dinosaurs. That one has yet to happen. Keep dreaming, little man.
Ellie eats for the last time at 7:30 and sleeps until 7:30 the next morning (Hallelujah!) She takes a morning and afternoon nap, as well as a short power nap in the late afternoon. Since she is on a schedule, I have been able to spend more regular time with Noah and that has helped his attitude and behavior overall since Ellie's birth. Things here have settled into a good routine, although the pooping on the potty is still an issue. Advice, anyone? Yesterday he told me he was scared to poop on the potty and he told Tim it hurt to poop on the potty. His 3 year well child checkup is in a couple weeks.
At the end of the month (Labor Day weekend) we are travelling waaaay up north to Iron Mountain area to visit my great-grandma. My whole family is going so it should be fun. My parents have always wanted us to all go on a trip together. I haven't seen my great-grandma since high school so it will be great to see her again. She's a pistol of a woman. When the Secretary of State punched a hole in her license and told her she couldn't drive anymore due to eyesight, she covered the hole with a smiley-face sticker and kept on driving. She doesn't drive anymore, though, thank God.
At the end of September we'll be heading down to Tennessee (hopefully, although plans are still in the works) to attend the wedding of a friend of Tim's from his days as a counselor at Doe River Gorge. Peter still keeps in contact with Tim's sister and her family and has actually settled back down in the area so we are excited for the opportunity to see him again, attend the wedding, and see Kristen, David and our nephews!
October brings about another wedding - this one I'm in and it's for my cousin. It's in Toledo and is outside so hopefully the weather cooperates. Our dresses are really pretty, I should probably get on the ball and order mine...
Well, that's all for Catch Up with the Rosses this week. Enjoy your day!
This past weekend another blast from my past came for an overnight visit with her husband. That was my friend, Renee, who I have known since...I don't know, Renee, how long?...maybe we were four or five? She moved in high school and I had not seen her in a good twelve years or so. It was fantastic to meet her husband and introduce her to my family and just to have face-to-face conversation and not over email, Facebook, etc. It has been fun re-connecting with her and we've had some really good, deep conversations. So that made for a great weekend.
I was looking at the calendar today and from today until the end of the month I have only 4 days with NO writing on them for plans. That's nuts. This weekend is Noah's birthday so my family will be in town. I can't believe my boy is turning 3 already! Where does the time go? And my baby is almost 4 months! She has started turning from back to stomach, at almost the same age Noah did (both at 3 1/2 months) and then she goes into a really good "tummy time" where you can tell she's so proud of herself and enjoying a new view. I'm hoping she really starts to perfect it so she'll start rolling herself onto her belly to sleep at night. I always feel like they sleep better and longer on their tummies. I know everyone my age was a belly sleeper since the pediatricians all said at that time not to put us on our backs to sleep, but how the times have changed. They even remind you on the diapers: Back to Sleep. So my mother-guilt kicks in every time I even think about the idea of putting her on her belly to sleep. That is why I get excited when she can roll and do it herself.
Noah asks every day if he can go to school yet. It's hard to explain that long amount of time to a little kid. He gets his backpack out and wears it around. Sometimes he calls it his "Rescue Pack" thanks to Go Diego Go! Diego has become his hero, as well as dinosaurs. No two things could make him happier. I think his dream moment would be if I let him eat cookies or ice cream while watching Diego surrounded by his dinosaurs. That one has yet to happen. Keep dreaming, little man.
Ellie eats for the last time at 7:30 and sleeps until 7:30 the next morning (Hallelujah!) She takes a morning and afternoon nap, as well as a short power nap in the late afternoon. Since she is on a schedule, I have been able to spend more regular time with Noah and that has helped his attitude and behavior overall since Ellie's birth. Things here have settled into a good routine, although the pooping on the potty is still an issue. Advice, anyone? Yesterday he told me he was scared to poop on the potty and he told Tim it hurt to poop on the potty. His 3 year well child checkup is in a couple weeks.
At the end of the month (Labor Day weekend) we are travelling waaaay up north to Iron Mountain area to visit my great-grandma. My whole family is going so it should be fun. My parents have always wanted us to all go on a trip together. I haven't seen my great-grandma since high school so it will be great to see her again. She's a pistol of a woman. When the Secretary of State punched a hole in her license and told her she couldn't drive anymore due to eyesight, she covered the hole with a smiley-face sticker and kept on driving. She doesn't drive anymore, though, thank God.
At the end of September we'll be heading down to Tennessee (hopefully, although plans are still in the works) to attend the wedding of a friend of Tim's from his days as a counselor at Doe River Gorge. Peter still keeps in contact with Tim's sister and her family and has actually settled back down in the area so we are excited for the opportunity to see him again, attend the wedding, and see Kristen, David and our nephews!
October brings about another wedding - this one I'm in and it's for my cousin. It's in Toledo and is outside so hopefully the weather cooperates. Our dresses are really pretty, I should probably get on the ball and order mine...
Well, that's all for Catch Up with the Rosses this week. Enjoy your day!
Thursday, August 07, 2008
ART
I missed my baby on Sunday. Not Ellie or Noah...but my first baby, my miscarried one.
During worship time at church we were singing "Nothing Without You" by Bebo Norman. I absolutely love this song; it has great meaning to me. When we went in for our 12 week appointment with our first pregnancy, we found out by ultrasound that our baby did not have a heartbeat anymore. Though my body still thought I was pregnant and as a result had not started the miscarriage process, my baby's body had already stopped living and growing. That was on September 16, 2004. Our doctor gave us different options to consider and, because the following week we were planning on travelling to California for a youth workers conference we felt that a D&C would be the best choice. That way I wasn't on the other side of the country in the middle of a seminar when the miscarriage process started. On the 18th, which was a Saturday, I had my surgery and started wading through the emotional recovery process.
The Monday after my surgery I was foolish enough to think I could go into work and be fine. Part of me didn't want to take more days off since I didn't have paid leave or vacation, they were just days I wasn't paid. Part of me thought throwing myself back into work would relieve my pain by not giving me time to dwell on it.
As I drove to work that Monday the station I was listening to started to announce the debut of Bebo Norman's new song, "Nothing Without You." They had a clip of him explaining the back story of the song. He was saying he was newly married and woke up one morning and, although he loved his wife, realized that his wife is not his life - Jesus is. And without Jesus, we have nothing and are nothing. I was so struck by it because I started thinking about how I had been placing my trust in my pregnancy. Once that little test displayed two lines, everything in my life revolved around the pregnancy. I had forgotten that the Lord gave me that baby.
I wish I could have at least known what I was having. I would have liked to give him/her a proper name. Instead, I just think of him/her as "ART." The day Tim & I found out we were pregnant we had dinner with our friends, Dave and Holly. While there we were talking about little nicknames we could refer to him/her as. We had joked and somewhat settled on "ART" because it is our initials, but rearranged in a way that could be a name, not like RAT or TAR. I also liked it because I thought of him/her as God's art, His creation He was sharing with us. Like He had painted a picture in my womb.
So I was standing in church on Sunday and we start singing "Nothing Without You." I looked down at the baby I was holding, which was not Ellie, but Eli (both his parents were on worship team this week so I had "Eli Duty" during the music.) My thoughts roamed to ART and all the things that weren't and aren't since God took him earlier than I would have liked. I am thankful to have the opportunity to carry such a life for so little time. I am blessed to have helped conceive and carry for a short time another soul in heaven.
"Take these hands
And lift them up
For I have not the strength
To praise you near enough
For I have nothing
I have nothing
Without You."
So my big idea. Here it is.....I am going to soon be unveiling a new blog. This one will remain the same, with family updates and random thoughts, etc. The new one has a mission that is a passion of mine and dear to me. After my miscarriage, the thing that helped me most in the healing process was being able to hear the stories of other women who had miscarried. I took great comfort in knowing it was ok to feel the emotions I was experiencing and that I wasn't dumb for grieving so hard and so long for a child I had only known for 12 weeks. I felt a connection with these women as they walked alongside me in my healing journey.
I have been compiling stories from some of these women, and more, in the hopes of publishing a book with them one day. I thought, if it helped me hearing the stories of these women than others could probably receive the same benefit. There are not many books on miscarriage - especially within the Christian publishing world - that really help. They do a good job at making you feel safe in knowing your baby is in heaven, but that's about it. Some are even written by men! Although I believe men grieve, too - I have watched Tim - a man cannot connect with how I feel as a woman experiencing this loss.
Anyways, I decided recently that a book is not really a good idea at this time. It is hard to be published, as well as expensive. But I continue to have this desire so it hit me the other day that I can form a blog and accomplish the same thing! I can still collect stories from women and put them on the blog. I am even planning on categorizing it for stories of miscarriage, stillbirth, and loss of a newborn. My hope is that through word of mouth, or people happening upon it, news of it will continue to spread in a way that women from all over can find it and find comfort and healing...to know that they are not alone. Some women need a feeling of closure, and they could find ideas from other women. I am hoping to contact parenting magazines and woman-targeted magazines to give them the blog address in an attempt to get the word out to other women.
Please help me in this. Be in prayer that this idea could work. If you know women who have lost a child through miscarriage, stillbirth or soon after birth, please let me know if they would be interested in sharing their story on the blog. I obviously only have so many at this point and will be forever continuing to look for more. If they are not comfortable with writing it, I could always make up an "interview" type form if they are just needing to know what to say. This is an idea I have been holding close to my heart for three and a half years, something I have wrestled back and forth with on whether or not it could work or if I was wasting time. But then I realized that even if one woman came across the site and found help, comfort, connection in her healing process...if there was a place for her to cry and relate to the stories she was reading, the emotions she was wrestling with that she was too scared to talk to anyone about...then it is not a waste of time.
I found it appropriate that when we finished singing "Nothing Without You" we started "In Your Arms of Love." The tears continued to roll as we sang:
"I sing a simple song of love
To my Savior, to my Jesus
I'm grateful for the things You've done
My loving Savior, my precious Jesus
My heart is glad that You've called me Your own.
There's no place I'd rather be than
In Your arms of love,
In Your arms of love.
Holding me still, holding me near,
In Your arms of love."
Oh, Father, may others be able to find comfort in Your arms of love. You hold us near, you are constant and unchanging and I thank You and praise You that You see what I can't, You know what I don't, and You have promised me that nothing can take me from Your arms of love as long as I remain there. Thank You, Lord. Thank you.
During worship time at church we were singing "Nothing Without You" by Bebo Norman. I absolutely love this song; it has great meaning to me. When we went in for our 12 week appointment with our first pregnancy, we found out by ultrasound that our baby did not have a heartbeat anymore. Though my body still thought I was pregnant and as a result had not started the miscarriage process, my baby's body had already stopped living and growing. That was on September 16, 2004. Our doctor gave us different options to consider and, because the following week we were planning on travelling to California for a youth workers conference we felt that a D&C would be the best choice. That way I wasn't on the other side of the country in the middle of a seminar when the miscarriage process started. On the 18th, which was a Saturday, I had my surgery and started wading through the emotional recovery process.
The Monday after my surgery I was foolish enough to think I could go into work and be fine. Part of me didn't want to take more days off since I didn't have paid leave or vacation, they were just days I wasn't paid. Part of me thought throwing myself back into work would relieve my pain by not giving me time to dwell on it.
As I drove to work that Monday the station I was listening to started to announce the debut of Bebo Norman's new song, "Nothing Without You." They had a clip of him explaining the back story of the song. He was saying he was newly married and woke up one morning and, although he loved his wife, realized that his wife is not his life - Jesus is. And without Jesus, we have nothing and are nothing. I was so struck by it because I started thinking about how I had been placing my trust in my pregnancy. Once that little test displayed two lines, everything in my life revolved around the pregnancy. I had forgotten that the Lord gave me that baby.
I wish I could have at least known what I was having. I would have liked to give him/her a proper name. Instead, I just think of him/her as "ART." The day Tim & I found out we were pregnant we had dinner with our friends, Dave and Holly. While there we were talking about little nicknames we could refer to him/her as. We had joked and somewhat settled on "ART" because it is our initials, but rearranged in a way that could be a name, not like RAT or TAR. I also liked it because I thought of him/her as God's art, His creation He was sharing with us. Like He had painted a picture in my womb.
So I was standing in church on Sunday and we start singing "Nothing Without You." I looked down at the baby I was holding, which was not Ellie, but Eli (both his parents were on worship team this week so I had "Eli Duty" during the music.) My thoughts roamed to ART and all the things that weren't and aren't since God took him earlier than I would have liked. I am thankful to have the opportunity to carry such a life for so little time. I am blessed to have helped conceive and carry for a short time another soul in heaven.
"Take these hands
And lift them up
For I have not the strength
To praise you near enough
For I have nothing
I have nothing
Without You."
So my big idea. Here it is.....I am going to soon be unveiling a new blog. This one will remain the same, with family updates and random thoughts, etc. The new one has a mission that is a passion of mine and dear to me. After my miscarriage, the thing that helped me most in the healing process was being able to hear the stories of other women who had miscarried. I took great comfort in knowing it was ok to feel the emotions I was experiencing and that I wasn't dumb for grieving so hard and so long for a child I had only known for 12 weeks. I felt a connection with these women as they walked alongside me in my healing journey.
I have been compiling stories from some of these women, and more, in the hopes of publishing a book with them one day. I thought, if it helped me hearing the stories of these women than others could probably receive the same benefit. There are not many books on miscarriage - especially within the Christian publishing world - that really help. They do a good job at making you feel safe in knowing your baby is in heaven, but that's about it. Some are even written by men! Although I believe men grieve, too - I have watched Tim - a man cannot connect with how I feel as a woman experiencing this loss.
Anyways, I decided recently that a book is not really a good idea at this time. It is hard to be published, as well as expensive. But I continue to have this desire so it hit me the other day that I can form a blog and accomplish the same thing! I can still collect stories from women and put them on the blog. I am even planning on categorizing it for stories of miscarriage, stillbirth, and loss of a newborn. My hope is that through word of mouth, or people happening upon it, news of it will continue to spread in a way that women from all over can find it and find comfort and healing...to know that they are not alone. Some women need a feeling of closure, and they could find ideas from other women. I am hoping to contact parenting magazines and woman-targeted magazines to give them the blog address in an attempt to get the word out to other women.
Please help me in this. Be in prayer that this idea could work. If you know women who have lost a child through miscarriage, stillbirth or soon after birth, please let me know if they would be interested in sharing their story on the blog. I obviously only have so many at this point and will be forever continuing to look for more. If they are not comfortable with writing it, I could always make up an "interview" type form if they are just needing to know what to say. This is an idea I have been holding close to my heart for three and a half years, something I have wrestled back and forth with on whether or not it could work or if I was wasting time. But then I realized that even if one woman came across the site and found help, comfort, connection in her healing process...if there was a place for her to cry and relate to the stories she was reading, the emotions she was wrestling with that she was too scared to talk to anyone about...then it is not a waste of time.
I found it appropriate that when we finished singing "Nothing Without You" we started "In Your Arms of Love." The tears continued to roll as we sang:
"I sing a simple song of love
To my Savior, to my Jesus
I'm grateful for the things You've done
My loving Savior, my precious Jesus
My heart is glad that You've called me Your own.
There's no place I'd rather be than
In Your arms of love,
In Your arms of love.
Holding me still, holding me near,
In Your arms of love."
Oh, Father, may others be able to find comfort in Your arms of love. You hold us near, you are constant and unchanging and I thank You and praise You that You see what I can't, You know what I don't, and You have promised me that nothing can take me from Your arms of love as long as I remain there. Thank You, Lord. Thank you.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
My Brainstorm
In the shower yesterday (because that's where all my good ideas come to me) I had this lightbulb go on in my head for an idea I've been thinking about but have been wondering how to make it work.
Then it hit me.
Stay tuned for details.
Jen Docter and Lydia Harrison - I already know I'm going to need something from you so be prepared to hear from me soon.
Is the suspense killing anyone yet? Hee hee hee hee.
Then it hit me.
Stay tuned for details.
Jen Docter and Lydia Harrison - I already know I'm going to need something from you so be prepared to hear from me soon.
Is the suspense killing anyone yet? Hee hee hee hee.
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