The Battle of Beauty

I battle many things:
My kids when they want their own way.
My husband when we don't see eye to eye.
My parents when they don't agree with our parenting.
The customer service rep who may be wrong when I'm trying to correct a situation or bill.
Those are not daily battles but occasional ones.
There is one battle that I do fight daily, though. Multiple times throughout the day, even. I hate warring with this person because I know her so well and am hardest on her.
Me.
Mainly, my reflection.
For years I have struggled with low self-esteem and image. In junior high I had thick eyebrows and noticeable upper lip hair. Thankfully, my mom became an aesthetician while I was in high school and I now have my eyebrows and upper lip waxed (I'm not ashamed to admit it anymore.)
In high school, I was tall and thin with horrible posture (still suffer the bad posture.) I had a body built like a boy's with no curves. I was so thin that I had to gain weight just to donate blood when I turned 18. I wasn't healthy or athletic; I just had genes that allowed me to eat what I wanted and not gain weight. I also was a busy person between school and work and extracurricular school activities.
Then I went to college and quickly (as in first semester) put on about 10 pounds. I didn't go to a party school, though, and it wasn't weight from alcohol. It was the freedom of finding I could eat whatever I wanted because Mom wasn't there. Pop-Tarts for a quick dinner in the dorm room? Oh, yeah. College cafeteria food? Bring it on with ranch dressing. Dessert for lunch and dinner? I'll take 2 of those chocolate chip cookies with some ice cream in the middle, thank you.
I lost most of the weight a few years later when I realized I was going to be walking down an aisle in front of lots of people in my dream dress. We went on a cruise for our honeymoon and I think it came back on during that week.
I can remember a friend commenting to me once, before I was even pregnant with Noah, about how I had a little roll that hadn't been there before. Maybe that's what really started drawing my attention to my self-image as my esteem rolled away. I thought, If I can't hide it with clothes, I must really be looking chunky.
The thing is, though, I love to eat. And I hate to exercise. This is a not-so-good combination as you can see.
It also doesn't help that I have a husband who loves me no matter what size I am and also admitted to me recently that he likes the fact I'm curvier now than before I had kids. Where's the motivation to lose weight when your love handles become lovable? (Please don't misunderstand, though, I would never want to suffer the emotional abuse some women suffer from their husbands because of weight gain.)
I, on the other hand, am hard on myself and don't love or even like the love handles. I can't accept that the pudge around the belly. Yet at the same time, I know that I'm not at an unhealthy weight. I'm still within the range for healthy for my height, it's just not the weight I want to be at.
Because for some reason there is something in me that just won't give it up.
Obviously, I know this comes down to be a sin issue. It is made up of so many components. Part of it comes down to self-discipline. Why eat 1 Milano cookie when you can eat 5 in the cute little paper holder they rest on in the bag? Or the whole bag?
I think food is an idol for me. Emotional eater? I am. Happy? Celebrate with food. Sad? Grieve with food. Frustrated? Clean the kitchen. OK, so I guess I'm not actually eating during that one. Although I wouldn't be surprised if I end up hungry after cleaning the kitchen. Where I should be going first to the Lord in prayer, I go to the cabinet.
I can even admit these things - so why is it so hard to change?
I have beautiful friends. I feel frumpy. (That could partly be due to lack of fashion sense, though.) Some are thin and willowy even after having multiple children. My sister-in-law is a stick. I try to tell myself it's because she runs more miles than I drive in a week. That part about the distance probably isn't entirely true, but she does run and exercise consistently. Naturally, that would help with weight loss and maintenance.
I have been so hard on myself that I was in tears, sobbing, recently after Tim commented to me that I looked beautiful that day. It was like a dam burst open and I just couldn't accept what he was saying even though it wasn't something he hadn't said before. I think it just hit me on a different note that day. Have you ever truly felt a war in your mind? At that moment I felt these two opposing forces smacking into each other and it was like truth was trying to break free and I wouldn't unlock the cage. That's when I really realized my problem was more serious than I wanted to accept.
We have a large oval mirror in the bathroom. I asked Tim if he minded if I wrote Scripture on it with a dry-erase marker, to which he, of course, agreed. Now when I look in the mirror I am greeted with Provers 31:30:

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

You see, I don't want my motivation to exercise to be losing weight to fit a certain size. I want it to be a way for me to be healthy. That goes for wise food choices as well. If I feel like junk after eating certain sweets, then I should take that into consideration and not eat it again. If I feel good after eating something healthy, I need to remember that.
I always feel good after exercising. I hate when I am in the moment, but I love the adrenaline rush and energy that comes later. I love feeling like I accomplished something good for me.
I don't want to spend a long time in front of the bathroom mirror preparing myself for the day. And, honestly, I don't do that now. My routine, shower included, is about half an hour if that means I'm actually doing my hair and make-up. I don't wear much make-up beyond mascara, concealer and occasionally eye shadow so it doesn't take me long.
I want that reminder, though, when I stop in the bathroom, of where true beauty lies. I need that reminder. It's too easy for me to turn sideways in the mirror and suck in my gut to see what I could look like.
The other thing I have been surprised, pleasantly, with is that the kids always ask us what the writing on the mirror says when we are in there with them brushing our teeth or washing hands or giving them baths. So Tim and I read it to them repeatedly every day to the point where I think Noah is starting to memorize it. I realized that this is something important for them to hear, especially Ellie, who - as a girl who will grow into a woman - will probably struggle with herself one day. If she is getting this reminded to her starting at the age of 2 years old, maybe she'll be more confident in herself at twelve or twenty-two or thirty than I am. It also can be a lesson for Noah on what to look for one day in a future wife.
I fight my battle every day. However, I have found my Sword and am starting to pick at the lock on the cage to set the beauty truth free.

Catch Up!

I cannot even believe how quickly this summer is going by. It may as well be the end of August.
I am trying to play catch up with lots of things - my last load of laundry is in the washing machine - I actually have an empty laundry hamper (at least until Tim gets home from work!) I am blogging for the first time in what feels like forever. I finally ordered Caleb's birth announcements today. In my defense on that one, there were 2 great photo card deals going on from 2 different websites so I was able to get all the announcements for free (besides shipping and handling.) So I could just say that I was waiting for a deal to come along...but in reality I just didn't do it until now. Oh, well, so he's 3 1/2 months old. People are going to get an updated photo on their card.
Anyways, our summer has been enjoyable. Tim built this on Memorial Day:

We were introduced to a website called Knock-Off Wood and have a line of projects we would love to make. It's an awesome site. Seriously, check it out. Anyways, a perk to him being a painter is that when he is working on a new construction home, he can do a bit of "dumpster diving" or just nicely ask the carpenters for scrap wood. That's what he did here and he scored some beautiful African Teak. It turned out to be a free project! The kids are loving it and it helps for when another family is over and we are able to have more seating room.
The garden also was a Memorial Day project. Earlier this week we were able to enjoy the first of what has come in - peas, green beans and a few cherry tomatoes.

We have only been to our little beach once so far but have plans to go again soon and are looking forward to that.
We had a really fun family day last month. It was one of those days that, as a mom, you need in order to be able to make all the rough days worth it. Tim was working at a job site almost 2 hours away and so during the week he would work 3 really long days where the kids wouldn't see him at all and then take 2 days off completely. On one of those off days we didn't have or make any plans and just kind of did whatever came up. The morning started with a yummy breakfast and then mid-morning I went for a run. On my way back it became much warmer than when I first started and I was praying that someone would have a lawn sprinkler turned on and aiming at the sidewalk. Little did I know the house with the sprinkler would be my own! Featuring not so much a lawn sprinkler, but a Go! Diego Go! one in the front yard with this delightful scene taking place:
The kids had such a blast, as did Tim and I, running through it.
Isn't he a handsome little man? All set to go in to the Young-5 program this year. We're definitely holding off on kindergarten until next year. I can't believe how much they expect from the kids in kindergarten!
The day ended like this:
I think what made it so memorable for us is that it was relaxing, we were all together and, quite possibly for the first time ever, no one fought with each other.
We went camping over Father's Day weekend. Our church did a Family Camp Weekend at Kibby Creek Campground near Ludington. I'm so thankful it wasn't far from home because we got up there, set up our tent, went to change the kids into their swimsuits and realized the suitcase with all the kids' clothes in it was at home still! So back home Caleb and I went to retrieve it. That night was a complete disaster between being extremely cold and only having a sheet (thankfully, we had blankets shared with us the second night) and Ellie's night terrors (which she gets when she's overtired and, naturally, she didn't nap in a tent.) One of the days we were up there we went in to Ludington with another couple and walked the pier. When we got home Sunday, we had lunch, took naps and then Tim wanted to go Miniature golfing and to Logan's for his Father's Day dinner.

Ellie loves playing dress up. For her birthday, our friends Justin and Carrie got her a fun little set with all sorts of girlie stuff. She loves it.

Whenever she dresses up, Noah feels the need to put on his armor.

Tim and I took Noah to see his first movie theater movie. We saw "Toy Story 3." He thought it was great, though a bit scary at the end. He ended up in Tim's lap, but didn't scream like the poor boy in front of us and some of the kids around us. We stayed the weekend at my parent's house so they could watch Ellie and Caleb while we went and then we could spend the rest of the weekend visiting them. While we were there, they found a jeep at a garage sale. The kids are enjoying it when we stop there.


We took a vacation last week. We started off in Ohio for the 4th of July weekend.

Caleb's first time meeting Papa Ross as well as his first fireworks.
We then traveled to Tennessee to visit Tim's sister and her family. Our old baby-sitters, Megan and Jenny, are working at the Christian camp down there, Doe River Gorge, this summer and we had a lot of opportunities to visit with them. We loved seeing them, it was like a bonus added on to an already great trip! My sister-in-law and her husband have bought some beautiful property that they want to farm and build a house on and they took us out to see it one night. It was breathtaking!! I was pretty much ready to pack my bags and move down there.
It was a great vacation, although by the end of it the kids felt like this:
Two days of driving to get somewhere will do that to you.

Caleb continues to grow quicker than we can keep up with. He has managed to just fit right into our family and we are continually amazed by him. He sleeps through the night, nursing is going great, he is the most laid-back of all our kids and he smiles and laughs non-stop!
Except for maybe an occasional serious face.

And right now he's obsessed with putting his fingers in his mouth and sucking his lower lip in.

How's that for an exhausting catch up?? For those of you who stayed through this - thanks!!
If you want something else to read now, click on the links on the side for our friends Jeana and Matt. They're moving to Rwanda on August 2nd! While we will miss them, we're so excited for them!