Today would have been your due date, but back in 2005. It is such a bittersweet day since I know that if you had made it full-term, your little brother, Noah, wouldn't be here with us. I want you to know that I do think of you still and Daddy does as well. He doesn't remember the dates of things like I do, but he said he thinks of you and what you would have been like and how he felt when we found out I had miscarried you. I have never seen him cry in such pain like he did when he called your Papa and Grandma Joycie to tell them what happened.
I may have never felt your first kicks or somersaults and hiccups but I at least got to see your tiny body-though lifeless- on an ultrasound, which is more than what some people are able to experience when they lose their child through miscarriage. I occasionally take out the ultrasound pictures and look at them to keep you close to my heart. I find that I do it less every year, which I assume is part of the healing process.
Sometimes I wonder - since I don't really know how it works in Heaven - if God allows you a glimpse of us. Do you know that you have a younger brother? Or a sister who is supposed to be born soon? I had really hoped that maybe she would come today and share your date. Your cousin, Kailyn, was born on the anniversary of your miscarriage. It was a step of healing for me as I could start approaching the day with a joy rather than grief. I had hoped maybe the same for this day. Not that it would ever erase you from my memory, but I know that you're not sad in Heaven and that you wouldn't mind.
I miss you so much and wonder what you would have looked like or how your personality would have been. I am excited to see you in Heaven one day and be able to spend eternity seeing you.
Love, Mom
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