My Biggest Worry as Mom of Two

I have heard many women say that they don't want to have a second child after their first because they can't imagine loving another one as much as their oldest. This was never a concern of mine. I know from watching my sister and myself that, even being the same gender, there are so many unique traits that make us individually who we are so it's not like you get two of the exact same kid and have to pick which one to love more.

At my 20 week ultrasound I found my biggest worry in having two children. When the technician told us it was a girl, we were thrilled - one of each and we only wanted two kids anyways! How much more American stereotypical family can you get?? (Well, we need a mortgage and a dog and then we'll be set.) Over the next couple weeks I found myself with a nagging thought: What if my problem isn't how do I love a second one as much, but what happens if I love my second one more?

As a woman who does love girly girl things (well, most. I do suffer as a result of pink and purple overload at times because they're not my favorite colors and now I'm surrounded by them because apparently baby girls can ONLY wear pink and purple as newborns) I was flooded with loads of thoughts: I can take Ellie to the American Girls store one day, we can have mom-daughter shopping trips, I can have tea parties with her (yes, I know boys can participate in tea parties as well, but it's not usually a first thought), we will have a bond that is special due to us both being in this mysterious world that is womanhood. Suddenly, all my thoughts seemed to revolve around Ellie's growing up years and I realized with alarm that I had forgotten Noah, my firstborn, the one I'm supposed to worry about loving more.

I struggled with this worry for a long time, especially since Noah is in the "terrible twos" and at times quite challenging. It made it easier to reflect upon my perfect unborn daughter. Then I started realizing many things.

Ellie is a girl. Yes, I will have fun things to do with her that Noah is not going to be interested in participating in, and since I am a girl they are things that I will most likely enjoy doing. However, Ellie is a girl. She is going to have mood swings, PMS, most likely be overdramatic like her mother, and we'll have to pay for a wedding someday. There are things you start to think about with a girl that don't cross your mind when you have a boy. And they are scary thoughts.

Besides that, I love my son. Oh, how I love him strongly. He has taught me the fun of playing with cars and trucks, trains and dinosaurs. He has forced me to loosen up as a mom and person because boys are daredevils (yes, I know some girls who are as well, but I was not one growing up.) He makes my heart stop when he jumps down stairs or I find him climbing places he should not be able to go. He has taught me the fun that comes with a boy and yet he has a sensitive heart as well. He is not a tough as nails boy with no feelings. He is at times scared and he likes to do things on his own terms. My mom was comparing him to a cat today. He likes to be left alone until he is ready to join in. He doesn't want to be forced to interact with other kids, yet when he is ready he has a blast with them. He is smart, but he will reveal that to you when he wants, not when you want him to. He is not a "performer" in the ways of parents showing off what their kids can do. We learned that one the hard way as the more we tried to get him to demonstrate how smart he is, the more he quiets down and retreats.

So not to say that my worry has automatically left, but it is lessening. That's one reason why I am so glad I have missed Noah as much as I have this weekend. I love my new precious daughter, but I have a bundle of fun waiting to storm through the door later and greet me with his infectious laugh and I am looking forward to it.