Whew

I can't believe how the last 5 weeks since Caleb's birth have flown right by!
Things have been transitioning well. In my opinion it's easier to go from 2 to 3 than it was 1 to 2, but much of that may be related to life circumstances at the differing times. Or the fact that Caleb is a laid back, calm and mellow boy as opposed to a tornado of energy like his older sister.
I took him in for his one month appointment last week and he weighed 8 pounds 8 ounces (put on a whopping 2 pounds from birth weight!) and 21 3/4 inches (grew over 2 inches in a month.) He's doing great. Last week he went through a growth spurt and I wasn't sure I was going to survive it. He wanted to nurse every 1 1/2 hours. My body was so exhausted after a few days I wanted to give up, but then we came out of it. He continued eating every 2 hours or so I and just kept feeding him on demand. I again started feeling exhausted and depleted and took a trip to the library for "Babywise" because I forgot how/when to start a schedule. I did a schedule with both Noah and Ellie and both were sleeping through the night at 7 weeks. Today I started Caleb on a schedule and, hopefully, in the next few weeks we'll get some good night time sleep. I forgot about the whole eat/play/sleep routine and was just basically nursing him to sleep all day long. He wasn't a very alert baby. Then he started doing this:
Sorry it's blurry; I took it with the camera on my phone and it obviously lacks quality.
Anyways, he started smiling and I realized he is quite fun while awake. So we've been interacting (as much as an infant can) today and it's been enjoyable.
He went to his first concert on Tuesday night. Kind of. Tim knows the original members of the Christian band, Relient K, from high school - one of them more than the others because they went to high school and youth group together for awhile - and when they come to town on tour we go support them. Usually we stop by and say a quick "hi" to his friend, Matt, before the concert but this time we actually went in a couple hours early and visited which was nice. Tim enjoyed having a longer amount of time to catch up. Anyways, because we didn't think it would be wise to bring a one month old into such a loud venue, Caleb and I waited on the tour bus while they played so Tim could go in and watch. So he kind of went to his first concert.
What else have we gone through this first month? It feels like a blur. Well, he has already had his first ultrasound. I took him into the doctor for what I thought was reflux and they sent me for an ultrasound to see if it was something I can't even remember the name of now. But if he had had it, he would have had to go in for surgery to repair it. Thankfully, all checked out fine and it really is just reflux. So we're dealing with that.
A few days later he had his first visit to the ER. I was changing his diaper that morning and noticed his belly was all bruised looking, black and blue and purple. I asked Tim what he thought and he wanted me to call the doctor. Since it was a Sunday afternoon we got the on-call pediatrician who advised us to go in to the ER since he wasn't even 3 weeks old yet. The ER doctor told me it was a broken blood vessel from when his umbilical cord fell off. We discovered a few days later it wasn't even that! When I had taken him into the pediatrician's office about the reflux, his umbilical cord fell off while we were there. Instead of a nice, clean break off, it was gooey and interesting looking and the pediatrician said there was a granuloma forming (or something like that) and he put some silver nitrate on it. Now, I didn't see him put iodine on it but he must have and the stain from it must not have shown up right away or something because that's what we think the coloring was from. I know this only because there came a day where I was giving him a bath and the "bruise" started coming off when I was bathing him. Now, we had tried washing it off before to see if maybe it was just that but nothing happened.
Basically my son likes to stretch us with funny little oddities.
The kids have adjusted well to him. Noah went through a phase where he started doing "silly faces" or saying "silly words" or doing "look at me" type things. I know part of this is being a 4-year old boy but you can tell when you watch him that it also involves him feeling like he doesn't want to be lost in the chaos of Ellie and a new baby. Ellie went through a phase where she was quite needy and clingy. I think that as much as Noah didn't want to be forgotten, Ellie wanted to make sure she is still loved. There have been lots of extra "I love you"s and hugs going around as well praise for Noah.
We are excited for spring and summer! The list of projects has already started forming and indoor projects have been started. Outdoor projects are still being dreamed up - they're always being dreamed up as we look outside or get ideas. The other afternoon, though, we had some gorgeous weather and were playing outside and staring at the back of our lot which is actually almost separate from the rest of our backyard by a chain link fence. We like to throw out ideas for what to do with it and I think, eventually, it will become mainly garden/food related. It will be a slow transformation, that's for sure, but one we're excited about. Right now we have an apple tree back there, but the past couple years something has been getting to it and destroying it before fruit is produced, so we want to start spraying it. We also have some raspberry bushes from a shoot my aunt gave us last year and some strawberry bushes we are excited about.
There is change going on all around us right now it seems. Some dear friends of ours, Matt and Jeana, are moving back to California (boo.) Our close friends, Jack and Kelly, just completed a move up to Spring Arbor for a teaching job Jack got at the college (yea!) Our brother-in-law quit his job to start his own business. It is a scary time for them financially with going through this, but God already is blessing them and the process has strengthened their faith.
I look forward to what the coming months will bring. Changes in seasons. Changes in lives.

My Eleanor~

My dear Eleanor Lee,
I cannot believe you are two years old today! Time goes much faster the second time around. You are such an adventure added to our lives.

What a year we have had, Ellie. Recently, you were transitioned from the baby/youngest of the family to the middle child. You have not had the jealousy issues we prepared ourselves for, but you are definitely looking for some extra snuggles and hugs and a reminder that you are still loved and important and noticed. You try to be very helpful with Caleb...a little too helpful and loving at times, but I appreciate your heart's intent.

We refer to you as "the tornado" at times. You are so full of energy and personality that you are like a whirlwind through our house. You are absolutely hilarious and I have never seen your dad have such a hard time keeping a straight face while trying to discipline. You have definitely given us a new parenting challenge.

You are this interesting combination of girlie and tomboy. Today your birthday outfit consists of a pink zip-up fleece, which reminds me of your sporty side. You love to run, kick balls, throw balls, be outside and even wrestle. Some of it may come from having an older brother and some of it is just you.

You are also wearing a white skirt and glittery sparkly shoes. You do love to dress up. You love bracelets and trying on my necklaces. You watch me intensely when I put make-up on and then try to sneak into my make-up bag when I leave the room.

Your outfit is completed with thick bright pink knit tights covered in multi-colored polka dots, complete with a bear's face on your tush. You're so stinking adorable that I don't know what to do with you at times. The tights finish off your outfit in a way that is so you, so random and yet it all fits together somehow, tying together the sporty and girlie.

You charm everyone you come in contact with. People stop to talk to you at the grocery store. Maybelle, one of the nursery workers, actually calls you "my girl." Daddy will drop you off for nursery, or I'll drop you off during Ladies' Bible Study, and she'll say, "There's my girl, hello Ellie. Come see me." You go right to her like you've known her all your life. And you know what the kicker is for your dad and me? You will fall asleep as she rocks you while you're in the nursery but you haven't done that with us in so long we can't even remember! You also love our friend, Elisabeth. Maybe it's the shared name (her middle name is your first name) or the fact you're both the middle children, daughters sandwiched between brothers, or who knows? I just know there is some kind of attachment to her there because you'll favor her over me when she comes to visit, climbing right up in her lap. I'm not offended, though.

I know that I joke around about how exasperating you are or tiresome or diva-ish. The truth is, Eleanor, I don't know what I would do without you at this point! I cannot imagine a life without your bubbly personality, your sassy little "no" response, your contagious laughter, and your kissable chubby cheeks. Your daddy and I love you so much, and so do Noah and Caleb. We look forward to watching you as you grow up and into the woman God has created you to be.

Much love,

Mom

Caleb James

Last week was quite eventful for us! I went in for my prenatal appointment last Monday to find that I was suddenly measuring 4 centimeters smaller than I should have been, especially since I had been on track up until that point. My ob/gyn was also concerned about the estimated small size of Caleb compared to what the other two were. I also was dilated 3.5 centimeters (I had dilated 1.5 cm in a week) and having no contractions yet. Due to his concern, he wanted us to consider inducing and because we didn't want to risk the safety of our baby, we agreed. Dr. Vanwingen said he wanted to break my water on Wednesday morning and the only times the hospital had open were 3:00 am and 5:00 am. We chose the 5:00 am.
Needless to say, I barely slept Tuesday night. We actually spent the night with some friends in GR since they would be watching the kids the next day and we were going to be delivering at Spectrum so it put us closer on the actual day, or should I have spontaneously gone into labor on my own the night before.
The day went nothing like we thought it would.
We arrived at the hospital and pulled up to the ER entrance, which is where we were told to go. Apparently I must have looked too calm to be having a baby because they asked if I was being induced and then said we had to park, walk in ourselves and then ask what floor to go to. So we did. They told us the second floor. We walked to the second floor and announced what we were there for. They told us to go to the third floor. Well, for crying out loud. I just wanted to settle in and have a baby and already I felt confused.
Once on the correct floor, they hooked me up to be monitored for a little bit. A young looking resident came in and said that he was going to check me and break my bag of waters. After a quite painful examination to which he said I was 3 - 4 cm dilated, 30% effaced, with a cervix that was extremely posterior (huh??) and no bulging bag of waters, he declared that he was going to call my doctor and probably start me on pitocin because there was no way he could break a bag that wasn't bulging or couldn't even be felt. He and the nurse left and I turned to Tim and started to cry.
I really wanted to labor without an epidural and to do that, I really wanted to be able to stay away from pitocin, too. All I ever heard about with pitocin was that it goes hand-in-hand with the epidural.
The nurse and resident came back in and said that Dr. Vanwingen was on his way into the hospital to break my water himself. I was so happy. To kill time and try to help get things moving, Tim and I walked the halls for a bit. We returned about 6:30 and a few minutes later Dr. Vanwingen walked through the door. He sat down on the bed, examined me and told the nurse I was 4 cm dilated. He explained to me that there are hospitals that teach their residents how to break the bag of waters and there were others who pushed the pitocin. While talking, he took a hook that resembled one you would crochet with and broke my water. No problem for him. I always joke with Tim that this doctor has magic hands because his exams barely hurt, too.
We waited as Dr. Vanwingen talked some more and watched me. He mentioned his concern that I didn't seem to be losing much fluid from the bag breaking and that it might be low and he wanted things monitored more closely. They put a pressure catheter - I think it was called that - in to my uterus to monitor my contractions more precisely and see how they correlated with Caleb's heart rate. It also was meant to irritate the uterus and cause it to contract. Thankfully, by the time Dr. Vanwingen left a short time later, I was starting to lose more fluid and he left feeling better about the situation. We decided he would call around lunchtime to see what progress there was and go from there.
We spent the next five hours walking halls (not comfortable with the catheter and gushing fluid), sitting on the labor ball and resting in the bed. My parents joined us mid-morning and visited a bit. By lunchtime we had had no progress and no contractions, besides the occasional one or two. We decided that when Dr. Vanwingen called, we would tell him we were ready to try something different. At this point, I was starting to think things were going to end in a c-section because apparently Caleb was not willing to leave the womb.
Dr. Vanwingen talked to Tim and then called down to the nurse's station to start us on pitocin. I was not thrilled, but was still holding to the possibility of having it without an epidural. (If you haven't been reading my blog long and are curious as to why I was so anti-epidural, read this post about Ellie's birth experience along with the bad epidural experience resulting in a spinal headache.)
We started the pitocin low, .5 ml/hour. I asked how high it went and the nurse said most women respond at a 4 or 6, but some make it to 20. We all figured I would be one of the lower numbers since I was dilated as far as I was and my water wasn't intact anymore. Well nothing happened over the next couple hours as they increased it to 1, 2, 4, 6, or 8. By this point, my sister had made her husband cancel and reschedule his dermatologist appointment so they could get over to GR since she was so worried I was going to end up in a c-section as well. When they upped me to 10, things started rolling and then she upped it again to 12. At this point, the labor ball, which had been nice in the beginning, was starting to annoy me and I needed something different. I moved to the bed and continued with the breathing. The contractions came closer and stronger and I got to a breaking point. Tim had been doing an awesome job coaching me on breathing but I screwed up once and then got thrown off.
So I started hyperventilating. This led to a lack of oxygen getting to my feet and hands, which made me freak out even more, since I felt like I was slowly being paralyzed. My legs were tingly and my hands felt swollen and I couldn't bend my fingers. I kept obsessing and asking why I couldn't bend my fingers to curl around Tim's hand during contractions. My blood pressure and vitals were great and even Tim told me later that he thought I was just freaking out and overreacting. He said it finally got to the point where he realized I was telling the truth when he saw the veins in my hands bulge out every time I tried to move my fingers, but they wouldn't move. The nurse gave me the oxygen mask and after lots of deep breaths, feeling returned.
Can I just say I really hate that oxygen mask? Oh, it was so annoying to feel it over my mouth and because I had hyperventilated once, they wanted it on me when I started pushing later.
Anyways, during all that chaos, I asked for a dose of Stadol. Stadol has become my best friend in labor, besides Tim. It took the edge off the contractions. I still felt them very strongly and clearly and Tim still had to coach me through each one because it hurt like crazy, but I just didn't care. It was such a bizarre feeling, like how I guess I would imagine being high on something. They told me the Stadol would last about an hour or two and then I could get another dose if I wanted. I didn't need one because by the time it wore off, Dr. Vanwingen was walking back through the door. He checked me and declared I was at a nine and that after I went to the bathroom (I had to pee so bad), I could start pushing to move the baby down because he was still a bit high up.
Now, at this point I just want to say that it really stinks to feel like you become bi-polar while you're delivering a baby. Especially when you can feel everything. I would push and yell because my doctor would be stretching my cervix out at the same time and it hurt like crazy. Then I would apologize between contractions. Tim kept a cold washcloth on my head - that was amazing - and a nurse eventually put warm washcloths down in the delivery area, which also felt great, and I believe helped me to avoid a bad tear. So on and on we went for an hour, pushing/yelling, changing positions, re-wetting cold
washcloths, etc. Dr. Vanwingen checked me again and said Caleb's head was not turned the way it should be and the position-changing had helped it move a bit further, but still not where it should be yet. He also had been watching the monitor for the past few contractions and noticed that with each contraction, Caleb's heart rate would drop and then take a long time to pick back up. He said we were going to have to look at the possibility of using the vacuum. I asked him if he wanted to use it them or still have me push longer and he said it was up to me. I was so concerned about Caleb at this point: the small size of everything, the meconium-stained fluid from my water breaking, the dropping heart rate and fact he seemed stuck in there that I said, "Let's just do it now."
I guess I never realized that when they referred to using a vacuum, they actually mean a little suction cup that they insert inside the mother to attach to the baby's head. I didn't realize this device was headed inside me. More pain. After my delivery, I heard Dr. Vanwingen tell the resident that had stepped in to help with the delivery that most women take another 3-5 contractions of pushing/suctioning combo to deliver the baby.
We got him out on the first contraction.
I described it to Tim like this, the pain was so much that I either had to keep pushing during the contraction and get him out, or I was going to give up and die because I couldn't do it any more. So I pushed like I never had, while yelling at Dr. Vanwingen to "get this kid out of me" and "Stop hurting me." I looked down as Dr. Vanwingen pulled Caleb up and the first words out of my mouth were:
"He has dark hair!!" (You don't know how I have longed for a child that actually looked like me at birth; I was born with a mass of dark hair and kept hoping he would have it, too.) I looked at Tim who was laughing and, of course, crying. They put Caleb on my chest and we just kept laughing in amazement at (a) the hair and (b) we really did it without the epidural!
And then I started to apologize over and over and over to everyone in the room that had to endure my yelling at them. I said, "I'm really not a mean person. I am so sorry." They said, "No, you're a woman who didn't have an epidural! You reacted like they do. We expect it." That made me feel a little better. I will say this, too - this is my first labor in which I never swore once. I said at least one word with the other two at some point during the process, but not this one. So I yelled, but at least I didn't cuss anyone out. I would feel even worse.
So there is our story behind Caleb's birth (Lacey asked and as a result you all get to read it.)
The stats:
Caleb James Ross
3/31/10
6:27 pm
6 lbs. 9 oz.
19 1/2 in. long
And everything turned out healthy and great! He is considered SGA (small for gestational age) but at his pediatrician's appointment this morning (he is 6 days old today) he has grown an inch and not only regained his birth weight from his discharge weight, but put on a couple ounces as well and is now 6 lbs. 11 oz. His pediatrician is impressed because he said most breastfed babies take 2 weeks to regain their birth weight, so whatever I'm doing for nursing, keep on doing it.
Caleb is a blessing to our home. An unexpected one, but one we can't imagine our life without now. He is absolutely handsome with great coloring and a face like Noah's when he was a baby.

The Belly

This is me at 38 1/2 weeks. Tim took them last night. The update is that I'm dilated to 2 cm. Woo-hoo - 2 down and 8 to go! The doctor told me that if I come in on Monday for my next appointment and have dilated to 4 but am not showing signs of labor then we're going to look at something to help get things rolling. I'm assuming we'll start with the whole membrane stripping deal...joy. I guess it's better than Pitocin. I dilated a centimeter and a half in the last week so that's why he's keeping an eye on how quickly things are happening now.
Personally, we're just praying it happens soon. By the weekend. Now would be great.
And, yes, I know, I'm not even to 40 weeks yet, but this pregnancy has been something else on my body and I'm ready to be done. We're also more than excited to see what this little munchkin looks like.
Can you tell I got my haircut? Yep, chopped it to my chin right before Valentine's Day. I love it. It's so easy and the best part? (This will probably be disturbing to some of you.) I can wash and dry it one morning and then not have to wash it again for another 2 days and it looks better each morning I wake up. There are times I could pull off another day, but then I get to feeling disturbed. I remember reading that you should really only wash your hair one day a week anyway to keep it healthier, now I just have a hairstyle that will actually let me do it! It will be perfect for after baby is born and I don't have time to shower let alone wash my hair for a couple days.

Getting Closer!

Well, folks, there are less than 3 weeks left until my due date. You fellow mothers know what that means - the nesting has kicked in. The fact our weather has been so spring-like has also helped in the motivation to clean things I normally wouldn't on a regular basis. Although every night before I go to bed I want things to be picked up, Tuesdays have become my crazy cleaning day. I find myself doing things I don't do. Proof is in this conversation with Tim from last Tuesday (first thing you should know - I hate scrubbing floors. Yes, hate. I know it's a strong word and that should tell you how strongly I feel about it.)
Me: Well, I did more nesting today.
Tim: Yeah, Noah told me you cleaned out the van and vacuumed it.
Me: I also got on my hands and knees and scrubbed the bathroom and kitchen floors.
Tim: You don't scrub floors.
Me: I know.
Tim: Did they even need it? You just had me scrub them a week ago and we can't even remember the time before that they were done.
Me: I don't think they actually needed it but I couldn't help it. It was like I was possessed and couldn't rest until the floors were scrubbed by me on my hands and knees.
Tim: You got on your hands and knees instead of using the Swiffer thing?
Me: Yeah, that just doesn't really clean it well.
Tim: How do you feel?
Me: Exhausted.
Tim: You need to rest tomorrow.
Me: Yeah, sure, I will.
My body was so sore that I could barely move in the middle of the night. I could hardly get out of bed to go to the bathroom (multiple times) or roll over.
What is it with this nesting instinct we expectant mothers have? I almost feel like this is the worst I've ever had it, actually I know it is. Part of me thinks it is because I can remember how hard it was for me to keep the house clean after Ellie was born and how much that bothered me. So mentally, I'm telling myself that if I can keep it really clean now, it will take longer to get to the not-clean state. Is that a warped way of thinking?
So here are some picture updates of what has been going on lately:

We don't own a TV, but the kids do occasionally watch movies on the laptop. There are times I clean while they're watching a movie. However, I also want them to learn responsibility and chores and to share in on the cleaning (since they're part of the mess-making) so there are times like these:

Ellie helping Daddy vacuum. Ellie actually LOVES to clean so it's not hard to get her to help. Noah is to the point where he only wants to do certain things.
The Tuesday list
Ellie "cleaning" the cupboard doorknobs with a baby wipe. I clean with all-natural products, baking soda and vinegar so I'm not worried about them touching or getting into any of my supplies because they're not toxic. However, I usually just give them a baby wipe and tell them to go wipe something down.
Cleaning out the van. Noah really got into this one. Ellie thought it was more fun to pretend to drive.

Non-nesting related news:
I had my 37-week prenatal appointment today and am dilated almost to 1 cm. Almost. I'm not one who gets caught up in the whole dilation thing since I know it doesn't actually predict when you're going in to labor. I just like to know how much work I have behind me when the real thing does start.

At the end of February we got dumped on with some more snow. The kids and I decided one afternoon to make snow cream. I was not that impressed but the kids liked it.

We broke Ellie of her binky habit a couple weeks ago. We do this with our kids by taking them to the store (Target in Ellie's case) and having them "buy" a toy/stuffed animal with their binky. Ellie picked out a baby doll that came with a binky. Then every time over the next couple days that she started to feel withdrawal she would put the doll's binky in her mouth, hence the picture above. It was ridiculous in that it's just a small stub of plastic. Thankfully, she only tried this a couple times. She actually kicked the habit in less than a day and is sleeping so much better at night than she has since she was born. Go figure.
That's all for now!

A Sunday Afternoon

*I just found this while looking through the documents on our computer for something different. I wrote it last May and thought I would share it since the spring weather is right around the corner (at least it has felt like it lately!)*

The sun is streaming through the windows making it seem warmer outside than what it really is. There is about a half hour until I need to start dinner and I can tell Eleanor is not going to make it. I grab a bowl of animal crackers and, taking her in my arms, carry both over to the couch. I settle her on my lap and she happily starts in on the menagerie in the bowl on her own lap.

As we bite the heads off elephants and legs from giraffes, I look outside. The breeze is causing the tree branches and leaves to sway gracefully. Although they cannot hear the Sufjan Stevens album playing in the kitchen, it is almost as if they are dancing to it. As “Tahquamenon Falls” fills my ears, I relax even more into the couch pillows around me listening to what sounds like wind chimes in the song.

Eleanor turns to offer me a bite of lion and then shoves it happily into her mouth before I can accept or refuse. Just a bit louder than the beginning notes of “Holland” is the pounding coming from outside. I look out one of the windows to the west and I can see Tim each time he stands to move to a new position. He is nailing landscape timbers to the ground for the perimeter of our garden with his “helper” in the form of a preschooler, Noah.

All is right. I forget the present financial woes of the country. In this moment my mind is not littered with thoughts of unemployment, health care, broken down vehicles or other downers. In this moment I am thankful to God for what I do have. In this moment, I am cherishing my blessings.

I know that the next song will bring forth with it reminders of all that is realistic but right now I just want this: calm. I want to snuggle my daughter and kiss her delightful cheeks. I want to savor the mental snapshot of a father and son in their work gloves, one pair black and gray and the other blue and orange with Diego the Animal Rescuer on them, laboring over a project together. It is not just any project but one that was designed and is being carried out together as a family, trying to involved the kids whenever possible.

Eleanor has finished the last of her zoo and is now trying to put the bowl on her head. She looks at me and laughs hysterically because she knows she is. Inside I just about burst with all that surrounds me – sunshine outside, laughter inside, childlike playfulness and labors of love. More important than all that, what can cause all that, is one more thing.

There is peace in my heart.

Bunny Trails and a Mustard Seed

Tim and I went to a marriage conference this past weekend on the other side of the state. It was great. Our friends, Josh and Renee, invited us back in the fall and offered their house for us to stay at. We loved this as it gave us an opportunity to visit with them and catch up on life. They were gracious hosts (they let us sleep in their bed and they took an air mattress upstairs - now that's sacrifice!) We had a wonderful time.
There have been so many things on my mind and I never know which ones to blog about and which not to. Ever since the whole "what-we're-looking-for-in-a-church" post back in the fall that caused a small ruckus, I feel as if I need to write in a different way. This is wrong, I know, in that this is my blog and if you don't like it - don't read it! However, I guess it hits me a certain way. A couple years ago Tim and I came to the realization that we're both people-pleasers. Not necessarily a good thing because you pretty much end up living your lives to accommodate the wants and desires (not needs) of others. Although we started to stick up for ourselves a bit more, I still worry about whether or not I'm going to offend someone.
I don't write many things about church anymore because the situation that followed with someone ended up as a hurtful experience and lost friendship.
I don't write truthfully about Tim's job anymore because my mom said, "I think your grandma reads your blog so make sure you don't write about ______________."
Besides updates, I don't write about this pregnancy because I have friends who have miscarried or are having trouble conceiving and I know it's a painful situation. One friend has stopped communication between us as our pregnancies were only a few weeks apart and I'm sure it's painful for her. Heck, I had to live it with my sister-in-law when I miscarried and she remained pregnant and I was about 3 weeks ahead of her. I know it's painful. I had to work through the hate, jealousy, anger and confusion as naive comments were made from people around us. Thank God that He is patient, constant, loving and can not only forgive us for our thoughts but also allow us to forgive others in our hearts when they don't even realize what they've done.
So my blog hasn't been updated much, not just because I haven't felt up-to-par in energy but because I never know how to write since I've apparently transported back into people-pleaser mode.
So would you like an honest update right now? Here it goes...
We love the church we are now attending. So much so that we actually went through the membership class and are being introduced (or whatever they do) as new members this coming Sunday. We have had the opportunity to meet and form relationships with amazing people who truly care about more than the superficial things in life. They want to get together and really talk - about life's valleys and mountain tops, about theological things, about anything! In a short amount of time we feel like we know them more than people we knew for years. Tim has become involved with the music team and also played in an indoor-soccer league with some guys from the church for the past two sessions. Currently, soccer is done right now so he has moved on to playing basketball at the church once a week. This has given him the opportunity to meet people and do something physically active which I never realized was so important for him. I am still attending the Ladies Bible Study and we are starting a study by Anne Graham Lotz called "The Vision of His Glory." It is on the book of Revelation, which has always terrified me, so I'm interested in seeing how this goes since it focuses more on hope than fear.
Work life. Tim was "fired" back at the beginning of December. He's self-employed and sub-contracted so "fired" for him means the owner of the painting company wasn't going to supply him with any more work. The most interesting thing, I think, was the way we responded to the phone call. He came inside (I had no idea what was going on) after a phone call during a morning shoveling snow and he said, "Well, I'm fired." I looked at him and said, "Ok. What do you want me to make you for lunch?" No stress or fear of the future. We have been through God's supernatural provision too many times. When he explained all of what transpired to me later, I was actually kind of happy that he wouldn't be working for the guy anymore. The whole thing was ridiculous and Tim didn't do anything wrong that he needed to be ashamed of. He has no regrets and I think that's great.
God has provided him with pretty steady work since, maybe a few days off here and there, but he's on his third side job since it happened. You have to understand this as well - Tim doesn't advertise, so the jobs that he gets come from word of mouth recommendations. I'm so proud of him. Since being "fired", they have called back twice. The first time was to ask what it would take to get him to come back. Tim gave them a list of "conditions" and hadn't heard back. The second call came on our way to the marriage conference this weekend and the manager (not owner - the manager Tim actually got along great with; it's the owner that has issues) asked if he could come in and help over the weekend. Tim told him we would be out of town. The manager informed him that he (the manager) had quit and was just going to finish the house up over the weekend and be done. So now the owner has lost his two full-time hardest workers. We're curious as to if he can even stay in business much longer with how he's running his business into the ground.
So we haven't been concerned in the work area. Oh! This is awesome, too: Tim had debated back and forth about calling Aaron, the guy who he first worked for and was taught to paint by, six years ago. After a couple days, he decided that he would wait and let Aaron call him if he needed help. (Besides a few weeks of work for Aaron a year ago, Tim has not painted with his company since Noah was born, so 4 1/2 years ago. We don't see or talk to Aaron so it would be random if Aaron actually called Tim.) About two hours later, Tim received a call from Aaron, whose company happens to be coming up on some busy schedules and he was wondering if/when Tim had availability and interest in doing some work. Would he?! What another sign of God's provision!
Now here is the biggest way we are praying right now. This one has been my struggle when I get emotional/hormonal and want to give up. We have to pay for this birth out of pocket. Our HSA does not cover maternity. You can buy a maternity rider, but you have to do so before becoming pregnant. Since we were not planning on becoming pregnant again, we never had time to buy a rider. We more than qualify for Medicaid, which we had to use for our other two births, but we decided at the beginning of this pregnancy that we didn't want to depend on it again. We trusted that God would provide for this baby, who was a surprise to us but not to Him.
We figured that extra money would go into the baby account and our tax return would cover the hospital stay which we researched the cost of. Not a problem. We assumed that, in all, if everything went as planned (which we know can seem like a stretch to think) it would cost us between $4,000-$6,000, which actually made it pointless to even buy a maternity rider as it would cost us the same amount and I think we still would have had other payments to make.
I had an appointment two weeks ago during which my midwife shared her concern for delivering at the hospital we originally planned. Apparently, some decisions are being made there and, coupled with short-staffed and over-worked nurses, she and her husband (the OB/GYN in the office) have become concerned for the safety of their patients, especially those of us who have had complications already in our pregnancies. The decision was still mine and Tim's to make on where to deliver and we are opting for the hospital in Grand Rapids. I called later that week to find out how much Spectrum charges for a birth and it's about twice as much as the other hospital. This means, we're now looking at about $10,000 for a birth with no complications or medications. Talk about motivation to go epidural-free!
My first reaction was freak-out, I'm not going to lie. I sobbed and told Tim we need to just do the Medicaid, which he still stood against. I hung up the phone on him, angry and confused. That's when the afternoon took another interesting turn. I sat down with my lunch and opened the Compassion magazine that we get for sponsoring kids from Compassion. On the first page is the president's letter and my eyes for some reason (or more likely by a nudge from the Lord) were immediately drawn to a paragraph toward the end of the letter. It reads:

Compassion decided not to seek funds from government sources. "The earth is the Lord's and everything in it" (Psalm 24:1 NIV). God is able to meet the financial needs of Compassion. It's our responsibility to trust the He will honor those who honor Him and then to steward with integrity the resources He provides through you, our sponsors. Of our $465 million annual budget, not one penny comes from the U.S. government.

Interesting, I thought. OK, so, yes, Compassion has sponsors to help them meet their budget, but at the same time I'm not needing $465 million here.
Then, about an hour or two later, I received a call from my mom that a relative was sending a check to Tim and I because she had felt it placed on her heart. The relative just wanted a phone call when we got the check to be certain it made it to us since she doesn't trust the postal service in her town. By the time I got off the phone with my mom, I could feel God's arms surrounding me.
"I'm sorry," I whispered in prayer. "I'm so dumb for forgetting that there is no amount of money that is impossible for you when everything on this earth is Your's."
This past weekend at the marriage conference, the speakers (Dave and Ann Wilson) encouraged all of us to come up with a mission for our marriage. Tim and I talked on the way back to Josh and Renee's house about what our mission could be. As soon as Tim started talking, I knew we would be on the same page. He talked about how God has provided for our family in awesome ways that are beyond what we could imagine. How we forget about verses like Matthew 17:20 that tell us:

For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.

We decided that a good mission phrase for our family would be something along the lines of Mustard Seed. In our society we depend so much on ourselves and what we can do for us. We depend on our government (and we all know how reliable that is) and what they can do for us. How often do we believe that our faith can make the impossible possible? Do we think the Bible lies? Or was it just applicable back when Jesus was around?
Yes, $10,000 seems like an outrageous amount of money to me when we have but $5 in a savings account. No, I have no clue how God is going to provide for this birth. But I know this much:
We have a mustard seed of faith. And that is all our God needs.

Seriously, Do They Ever Stop??

Yesterday I went out with my STATS group for their presentation. STATS is a program I volunteer/work with (I get a very small stipend and mileage reimbursed so I guess I can't say I totally volunteer) out of Reeths-Puffer High School. STATS stands for Straight Talk About Tough Stuff. High school students at R-P interview for a spot in it and only 48 are chosen. They then are broken up and organized (by the leaders) into 6 teams of 8 students - 4 boys and 4 girls. This year we have done things a bit differently and there are 3 sex teams and 3 substance abuse teams. The teams go out once a month during the school year to Muskegon County middle schools and teach the kids about abstinence. This is done through skits, songs, personal talks, tips on how to say "no", etc. The middle school kids think it's great to have these cool high school students interacting with them throughout the day and the teachers appreciate what the teams are doing.
There is some background. I lead one of the teams, which basically means that I am in charge of turning on the music (certain songs for certain skits, etc), keep track of the bag o' props, and cheer them on as well as give constructive criticism if they're getting out of hand. My group this year is fantastic which makes it even more enjoyable. They also "mother hen" me and don't let me carry anything, move anything, demand I sit, and even laid out a plan of what to do if I go into labor during a practice or performance (who will drive me to the hospital, who will lean out the car window mimicking ambulance noises and yelling "move out of the way! Lady in labor!", who will hold my hand in the backseat, etc.) They're a riot.
Anyways, back to the point of this post. Yesterday I was with my STATS team at North Muskegon middle school, which is also in the same building as the high school and connected to the elementary school. They all share the same cafeteria and other offices, etc. Small school, big building. We were not expecting to receive lunch, as we do from other schools, because they only had 3 classes to perform to and they were back-to-back-to-back. The principal, who was very kind, told me at the end of the first performance that he would have the second class come in a bit later so that we could have time to run down to the cafeteria and grab a bite to eat. Usually, we eat lunch with the students so that the kids can interact with them, but at N. Muskegon, the middle schoolers actually eat brunch and had already eaten. The high schoolers had also already consumed their lunches. We would be eating with the 1st-3rd graders. This was fine with us as we would mainly be shoveling our food in anyways to prep for the next performance.
I was not expecting what came next. As we walked down the hall to stand in line for lunch, these little munchkins were all around us. One small boy looked up and looked me right in the eye as I took my place in line.
It pierced my heart because all I could think of was how he was but a couple years older than Noah and that meant that in a couple years, Noah is going to be in a cafeteria eating lunch.
At school.
Without me.
My first instinct was to say, "I'm never sending Noah to school. He's staying home forever." This brought a couple things: one being my STATS kids saying, "No! You can't shelter him! Just be a good parent and he'll turn out like us." (They're quite confident, no? Good thing they really are great kids.)
The second was that I would never keep Noah from life experiences. I know they're going to hurt and I'm sure I'll be one of the parents that drops her son off at his first day of school and then cries afterward. It's a good thing we live within walking distance of the school so I just have to walk through a blur of tears and not operate a vehicle.
Every time I think about young-5s and kindergarten, I'm fine. I mean, really, right now he is in preschool 3 days a week for 2 1/2 hours each time. In Y-5 and kindergarten, he'll be there 5 days a week for around 3 hours. That's not too big a jump, and quite honestly, with a new baby here and Ellie being home still since she won't be old enough for preschool yet, I think Noah is going to want to be at school more than home and I will probably find things a bit easier to handle in the mornings.
It's that thinking about first grade that throws me off. He'll be gone all day. Will he make friends easily? Will kids like him? His teachers have always loved him - at church and at preschool. Will older kids bully him?
I posted not too long ago about our debating putting him in Y-5 instead of kindergarten next year. Now I'm posting this. I need to just chill out since the time is not here anyways.
Does a mother's heart ever get some kind of relief?
Do our tears always flow freely and easily?
Does parenting ever get easier?
Probably not.
It's worth it.

Stop the Hormonal Rollercoaster...I Need to Get Off

My emotions during this pregnancy have been pretty in-check. I'll admit, on Christmas night at my in-laws', each family took a different chapter to read from The Jesus Storybook Bible (we each had a copy with us. I think it's kind of funny that we all even own a copy of the same Bible for our kids!) that revolved around the Christmas story. I read aloud first and it was the chapter about Jesus being born. Yeah, try to get through that one without crying. I was a mess.
That has pretty much been the extent of my emotionalism. (Is that a word?)
Until a couple Saturdays ago, when I became the Jekyll/Hyde of pregnancy. All I can say is that I'm thankful my husband is patient and wise.
I returned home from a quick Meijer trip and found the kids had already finished their lunches, been cleaned up and were down for their naps. I was looking forward to making a bowl of Campbell's Tomato Soup and loading it down with Townhouse crackers...because, as Tim says, I tend to eat more along the line of crackers with some soup rather than soup with some crackers. Anyways...
I heated up my soup and poured it in the bowl. Tim was in the kitchen cleaning up from lunch still as I opened the cabinet and pulled out the box of crackers which seemed very light. I looked inside.
Empty.
I turned to Tim and asked, "Where are the crackers?"
Not noticing the possible eruption ahead he said, "Oh, I gave the rest to the kids with their lunch today."
"Why is there an empty box in the cupboard?"
"I must have forgotten to throw it away."
3...2...1...
"How am I supposed to eat my tomato soup with no crackers?! Why would you put an empty box back into the cupboard? I can't eat my soup without my crackers!"
At this point, he stops wiping off the dining room table to actually look at me. "Well, I saved you some leftovers meatballs if you want those instead."
I opened the fridge and pulled out said meatballs. There were a few. I looked for the mashed potatoes. None.
"Where are the mashed potatoes?" I asked.
"I finished them off with lunch," Tim answered, his voice growing afraid.
"I can't eat these meatballs without the mashed potatoes and I can't eat my soup with crackers!"
At this point I am seriously crying and at the same time wondering what has possessed my body to make me act this way as even I can tell I'm being truly ridiculous. Yet I can't seem to overcome it.
Tim bravely suggested, "Maybe you should lay down on the couch for a few minutes."
Still sobbing, I threw myself on to the couch and covered myself with a blanket (because I'm so not dramatic.) I lay there crying for a minute.
I woke up an hour later. I don't even remember falling asleep but I must have been out of it pretty hard because Tim said I was snoring. And I don't snore. Except while pregnant with this baby.
I was so embarrassed when I woke up and quickly apologized to Tim for my irrational behavior. He forgave me and said he knew I just needed some sleep. This was, obviously, true.
This pregnancy has been something else. Two months to go and I'm hoping to be able to overcome "crazy, pregnant Andrea" within that time.
We'll see.

My Most Recent Enjoyment...

Not just eating bread...goodness, that's always been one of my favorite things to do.
No, it's baking my own bread that I am enjoying. And, oh, is this recipe delightful. I honestly don't think I'll ever buy store bought bread again. We had some as a snack, yum. I used some for a tuna fish sandwich for lunch, yum. We had some with our dinner tonight, yum. I doubled the recipe to make two loaves and it's probably a really good thing I did.
I don't have a bread machine, which is what the recipe called for, so I was thrilled to find a woman who wrote a review with the modifications to do it by hand. I really can't get enough of doing it by hand. For me, there is something about kneading the dough that is so incredibly necessary for me. I think it teaches me a couple life lessons:
Be still - When you have to stand in one place at a counter to knead dough for anywhere from 5 to 8 minutes depending on what kind you're making, you have to kind of still your body. Obviously, you can't walk around the kitchen while kneading so you're put in one place for what feels like a long time. This is good for me because I am not usually the type of person who can just stand. When I'm kneading, I can pray, I can think, I can sing - I can enjoy a few minutes of keeping my legs in one spot.
Patience - For this recipe in particular, when I was finished kneading the dough, I had to let it rise for an hour while it doubled. Then I had to punch it down and let it rise for another 45 minutes while it doubled again. Then I had to put it in the loaf pans and let it go for another 20 minutes before then baking it for 40 minutes. Within the first 10 minutes it was in the oven, my house smelled so delicious I wanted to take the bread out prematurely and devour it based on smell alone. Baking bread teaches you delayed gratification rather than instant. Sure, it takes a few hours, but it is so worth it when you slice into that warm loaf and then butter and honey it up.
So if you like to bake bread, try the recipe! It you haven't ever baked bread before - give it a try! Try different kinds until you find one you like. This one is a definite winner for our family. Some of my goals for this year include getting into the habit of baking bread on a regular basis so we don't have to buy it from the store - this way I can control what I put in it as well. I also want to try doing some canning this year and we're going to give our garden another go now that we have had a year to see what grows well in our soil and what doesn't. Sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong era. I would be totally happy stepping quite a way back from how far everything has come to just return to some simplicity.

Life Update

The excitement of the Ross household...where to begin?? OK, not really. We're fairly dull when it comes to details lately.
Tim started a side job today, has one lined up for afterward, another for after that and then received a call from his very first boss that taught him how to paint 6 years ago who wants him for some upcoming work as well. Praise the Lord, He is providing! There is also a very large job on hold. His bid was accepted by an older couple that wanted him to start this month when they left for Floria and re-do (paint, etc.) their entire home but then the woman's two sisters (who are both fighting cancer) took a horrible turn for the worse and everything has been delayed. So we wait on that while remembering them in our prayers.
I have been labeled as "high risk for preterm labor" as of my last prenatal appointment, which was last Monday. I will be 29 weeks tomorrow and my cervical prolapse returned the week before Christmas. I am not officially on bed rest but have to get off my feet whenever possible. I also get to wear this super attractive (total sarcasm there) belly support band that feels like a brace and supposedly helps to hold my belly/baby up a bit to relieve some of the pressure. I'm not enjoying it and I honestly don't know if it's helping at all, but I'll do what I have to in order to keep this baby in for at least another 8 weeks. Aaaagh! 8 weeks until I'm technically full-term!! So much to do and so little time...
Noah is a blast. Challenging at times, as I think any mother of a 4-year old would say, but such a joy. I cannot believe how fast he is growing up. He is a huge help to me right now when Tim is gone. He wants to do whatever he can and loves to help set the table, clear the table, "help" clean (he takes a baby wipe and cleans walls, cupboard doors and whatever else is at his height) and "parent" Ellie ("No, Ellie. Don't do that. Get down from there. Don't touch that. Be careful next to Mama's belly, etc. etc. etc.") At the moment, Tim and I are going back and forth with whether to proceed in putting him in kindergarten next year or doing a Young-5s/Pre-K program instead. In my thoughts, it was always, "You turn 5, you go to kindergarten." In Tim's eyes (that repeated kindergarten because there was no pre-k program) it would be more beneficial to hold a boy off a year and have him go through kindergarten an entire year at age 6 than age 5. Noah turns 5 right before the school year starts and, although we know he is academically smart enough and ready for kindergarten, his size is small for his age and he is a sensitive kid. I think in this matter I need to listen to Tim's opinion seriously because he is a boy (obviously) and has been there and knows the working of a man's world whereas I never will. So if he thinks it would be better to hold Noah off a year and put him in Young-5 then I respect that. It also helps that I talked to two of my friends who are teachers and got their opinions on it and they both agreed with Tim, bringing up how boys don't mature socially and emotionally as quickly as girls do, so even if they seem smart enough for kindergarten, it doesn't necessarily mean they're ready.
Ah, the decisions of parenting...The boy loves maps, globes and things that look like the earth. I am learning a lot about geography from him actually...

He also loves sledding and all things outdoors-related. He is a mini-Tim in the making.

And Eleanor is...Eleanor. Actually, after a rough beginning and difficult time bonding with her (which is hard when you have mother/daughter bond expectations), I have lately found myself looking at her with the love-that-makes-you-want-to-burst. She is stubborn, strong-willed, temperamental, dramatic and wonderful. I have gone from wanting to give her away often to someone else to raise to now loving the moments I get to spend with her. Her favorite words are "cookie" and "hot cocoa" and I think she has a cookie-6th sense. Yesterday I broke a piece off a peanut butter cookie to nibble on it while I was in the kitchen and as I turned around to put it in my mouth, her little body popped up around the corner as I heard her voice saying "Cookie. Cookie." Now here is the thing: with Noah we have always been a bit stern when it comes to what kind of sweets, etc. to give him. We're loosening up a bit, but he still has never had pop or gum, his juice is on a limited intake and Halloween candy was limited to one piece a day. Like I said, we're starting to loosen up, so don't go policing me on being an unfair mom. I can at least say that he had a perfect dental appointment last week (besides the fact he'll need braces because he has no spaces between his baby teeth right now.) Anyways, now Ellie. All she has to do is look at me with her big blue eyes and sweetly say, "Cookie" and next thing I know I'm breaking off a piece of cookie to give to her. Which I then have to give Noah the other half or else I'm a bad, unfair mom. =) So my dear Eleanor Lee has finally become a joy and breath of laughter to my life. Actually, she probably always has been...it just took me a long time to realize it.

Mmmmm....Cookie....

Life isn't always perfect here, far from it in fact. Oftentimes I fall into bed at night feeling like I should kick myself for all the wrong things I did as a mother that day. Don't we all feel that way as parents at one time or another? There are times where the kids go to bed at night and I think the day has been a success if I made it through without giving any time-outs or spanking warnings or wanting to ship Ellie off to a boarding school for toddlers.
Tim and I haven't had any explosive fights in a long time, but it's not to say we don't have our disagreements, or that I don't envy him for the strong faith he holds when, as a woman, mine wants to falter when I think of finances. Thankfully, he pulls me back with Scripture and life reminders quickly so that I don't stay in that spot of weakness.
Life isn't perfect. We have walked through many valleys to be brought to the mountaintops we are experiencing in life. The view is good...

Belated

Merry Christmas
and a Happy New Year!!

Here's a taste of what our Christmas was like:

8 kids under the age of 9 years old in the same house for 4-5 days...it was loud, rambunctious and full of laughter and joy.

There will be more to blog in coming days but for now I'm exhausted!

"If you can!"

First of all, since this will be one of those theological/intellectual thought kind of post, we'll start with something cute. Using the tutu tutorial (try saying that without thinking of The Beatles' singing, "Goo goo gajoob" from "I Am the Walrus") I made Ellie a tutu the other night. It's her Christmas present but I had to try it on her the next morning to make sure the size was right. How awesome is finding projects that cost less than $10 to make and only takes an hour? Yeah, awesome. I'm telling you, you have to check out that website.
On to the meat of the post and I would love to hear thoughts afterward as I'm hearing this topic all over the place the lately.
We have been going through the Gospel of Mark in our Sunday School class. This past week we spent a lot of time and discussion on chapter 9, verses 14-29, finding the main focus to be on verses 22-24. Let's read them (first, some background - a man is seeking healing for his demon possessed son. The disciples have already tried to heal him and were unable to and so the man has asked Jesus.)
"(22)And it has often cast him into fire and into water, to destroy him. But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us." (23) And Jesus said to him, "'If you can!' All things are possible for one who believes." (24) Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, "I believe; help my unbelief!"
Thus brought on the discussion of belief and faith and how little we have of both. One man explained that there is a woman he works with, fairly "charismatic" if you want to describe her as such, who tells him about the things she prays for that actually come to be. He said he often leaves her office in tears because, whereas he has the "head knowledge" of the Bible and how his faith should be, she actually has the belief and confident faith.
My mom has changed her way of praying and I admire it and am starting to follow her example because...well, it makes sense when I think about it. She prays something specific, believing that God can do it. When my dad went in to have some x-rays done a couple months ago on his chest (he was having some breathing problems), she prayed that they would be nothing but dried-up blood clots (which he developed in early 2005.) She told me to ask people to pray, but to pray specifically for that and if they couldn't, then don't pray at all. That is how we prayed and that is what the doctor said they were.
I have been thinking, and have talked with the girls in my small group, about how often we give God an "out." We pray things like, "God, please (insert request) but if it's not Your will, then that's ok." I think we have developed a weak way of praying when we say things like that. Why wouldn't God want us to be healthy? Why wouldn't He want the best for us, especially when He has given us so many promises in the Bible and we should be praying them? Why do we have such a hard time asking for something and believing He - the Creator of the universe - can actually do it?
Think, or look, back at the passage in Mark. The boy's father says, "but if you can do anything." Do you treat God like that?
Look at Jesus' response, "'If you can!' All things are possible for one who believes."
So why don't we?
It would be really easy in my life to be discouraged, stressed out and anxious. I could live in a state of worry about Tim's job and where work will come from and how we will pay the bills. However, God has taught us a lesson time and again and that is that He is a faithful Provider. He has never let us fall. Never ever.
We have grown so much in the last 6-8 months, starting back in the Spring. As we studied the Bible and sought the teaching of people with strong faith who were living it out, we felt ourselves
be challenged. We started letting our chains be loosened, stepping out in faith that God was going to come through. We started giving more - and with cheerful hearts - and we saw His blessings. BUT, and this is a great BIG BUT, we do NOT give to others with the expectation for God to bless us in return for what we have done. Our motives are not selfish, but because we can't help but do it. When you feel the Spirit move you to do something, you do it! If you don't, you've missed out on a great opportunity to do something for the Lord. We were tired of missed opportunities due to our tight fists and unbelief.
We are on a journey meeting many who have been through similar situations and are also tired of living their old "Christian" lives, people sharing hearts and missions and who are eager to walk on a path God is calling them to. Our hearts are filled with anticipation and excitement and a bubbling over to tell others what He has done and how He is working and how He can do the same for them.
"All things are possible for one who believes."
Do you still try to control your life? Do you find yourself being put through situations again and again and again, much to your frustration? Do you really believe God can come through for you? Or do you talk one way and believe another?
I'm not saying it's easy to learn. But it's freeing when you get to the point when you, as the saying goes, "let go and let God."
"All things are possible for one who believes."
How much do you believe?

For the Crafters...

I stumbled across this website today while looking for tutorials on how to make a tutu myself. (I really want to make a pettiskirt for Ellie but the material I need can only be found online and I can't bring myself to pay $40-$60 to buy one at a store, so we're using a tutu for a back-up and I'll just make it very full.)
Anyways, the website is called Make It and Love It. I can't tell you how excited I am about this site. Not all the projects call for a sewing machine either, so don't think you need to be an experienced crafter to check out this site!
Let's just say that some of my original Christmas gift projects are being changed around to do some new ones I've found on the website instead...

Prayer

Friday evening Tim was at a "guys night" with some of the men from our church. I put the kids to bed and then settled down to debate what to watch for the night. Movie? TV show on Hulu? Just listen to some music or a sermon? I was catching up on blog reading when I received a call from Matt and Jeana letting me know that on the National Youth Workers Convention site they were going to be live streaming Francis Chan speaking at their Atlanta convention and they thought I might want to watch it. Of course! I called my friend, Renee, to let her and her husband know about it and then settled in. I wasn't sure what to expect since he was speaking to youth leaders/workers/volunteers, but I'm so glad I tuned in.
The whole message was fantastic, but at the end I was convicted in a big, fat way when he started to tell about how a few years ago he sat his staff down (and he said he was going to be doing it again soon) and asked them a question. He said he had a staff of about 60-70 people (by the way, Chan does not get paid for being a pastor. He told the elder board he did not feel right taking a salary. He also has a fund that all of his book royalties go into that help missionaries/Christians in another country that are being persecuted.)
Anyways, he told his staff that they were going to go around and every person had to answer the question on whether or not they were spending at least one hour in prayer each day. He said that if they answered "no" then he was going to remove them and find someone who does to take their place.
This was like a kick in the butt to me because the subject of prayer has been on my mind a lot lately. Not prayer itself, unfortunately, but thinking about it. I think that because my Ladies' Bible Study is going through "Discerning the Voice of God" by Priscilla Shirer - which deals a lot with prayer - I have been noticing how little I pray intentionally. There are the before-the-meal-prayers, before-bed-prayer, and the help-me!-prayers.
Prayer scares me. I don't know why. The thought of sitting down and talking with God for an extended amount of time kind of freaks me out. I worry about what to say, am I going to pray the correct way? Is there a right or wrong way to pray? Things like that. However, I felt that God is speaking to me through Shirer and Chan so I had better listen.
So this week I have been trying some new things based on Scripture. First of all, during the time I was praying yesterday, I felt like God was bringing Psalm 97 into my head. So I read it along with the next 3 chapters, through Psalm 100. Many verses stood out to me, but regarding ways to pray, Psalm 100:2b jumped out:
"Come into his presence with singing!"
Hmmmm.
I also remembered something we had talked about in Bible Study along with my verse I picked to memorize for that week:
"Be not rash with your mouth, nor let your heart be hasty to utter a word before God, for God is in heaven and you are on earth. Therefore let your words be few." -Ecclesiastes 5:2
We talked about how when we come before the Lord (and there are numerous verses that talk about this) we need to pretty much be silent. We are so quick to jump in with our requests and miseries. Not that these are not important to God, but do you love when your children come before you complaining all the time or talking about what they need or want in their lives?
So this is what I tried today that I think I may end up using for my prayer time, although I realize it can and should change based on the day and what is going on in life: I first listened and sang along with some songs from the worship CD: "Any Given Day." I like this CD because it's very passionate and focused. After coming into His presence with some joyful "noise" (since I don't sing well) I just sat quietly for awhile.
Wow, hard.
When you can hear the dryer in the laundry room, the heat kicking on through the vents, the vehicles driving by outside...you realize it's hard to surround yourself with silence. It really is an exercise to train yourself to block out noise. Our Bible study teacher had also recommended keeping some paper and a pen by you, and when a thought pops into your head and you feel you're going to be distracted, write it down and then forget about it until later. Like today I thought, "Oh! I have to remember to pick up___________before tomorrow." Wrote it down and pushed it aside. Side note: this time of prayer was obviously being done while the kids were napping or else this whole moments of silence thing would be a joke.
After that I followed the model we learned in youth group growing up: ACTS
Adoration
Confession
Thanksgiving
Supplication/Intercession
I enjoyed my time and felt like it all became more natural after I got over the thought that it's hard to find things to say to God.
Anyways, how much time would you say you spend in prayer a day/week/month and what are ways that you pray or what are your thoughts on prayer? I'm curious!

What Not To Say

You've probably heard it said, thought it yourself, or maybe even said it yourself.
If you've miscarried or lost a child at some point early on, you may have even had it said to you about your situation. We had it happen more frequently than I wish after our miscarriage.
It's the infamous phrase:
"Well, it's probably better that you lost the baby when you did. It might have had conditions/diseases/special needs/handicaps, etc."
Some people even go so far as to tack on, "God was saving him/her from a life of problems and hardship."
This kind of thinking makes me furious. It is basically implying that anyone that does have a handicap or medical disability would be better off dead.
It's like saying that kids like
Brayden
or
Kelsi
or
Waverly and Oliver
live lives of misery and unhappiness. That they shouldn't even be here because they are a burden to their families and society.
It's like saying that those of us who have lost a child in some form would rather have a healthy and beautiful baby than any baby at all.
Wrong.
I think it is funny how, after a 20 week utrasound, the parents receive two questions:
"Did you find out the gender?"
and
"Is it healthy?"
I'll be honest, we have thanked God after each appointment when we hear that yes, everything with our baby looks good. However, we also realize that ultrasounds don't pick up all conditions and that things can be missed. If we found ourselves in a situation where after one of our children were born, it was discovered that something was wrong, do you think we would be holding him or her and thinking,
"Oh, shoot. I wish I would have miscarried this baby."
No! We would do all we could to love on that baby and ask God for guidance as we walk through an unexpected journey.
Those of you reading this may have never said anything like this, but if you have - or if you've even thought it - just take the time to really think about the phrase. In an effort and attempt to try to say something comforting in an awkward situation, you're actually sticking your foot in your mouth and causing more hurt in the person you're talking to.
Please pray for the children I listed above as Brayden, a family member of our's, undergoes what seems like constant testing to try to figure out exactly what is wrong so they can figure out how to treat it. Pray for Kelsi as she has a major mid-face surgery to help her breathe, and due to her condition an infection following could be deadly. Pray for Waverly and Oliver as they and their family walk through the most agressive form of Sanfilippo knowing that, because there is no treatment or cure, they will be the parents who have to bury both their children who are so young right now.
Oh, God, help us to have Your heart for others.

Random Thoughts and Updates and Pictures

Hello, there.
Blogging for me has been few and far between. I'm ok with that. Changing seasons, things to do, tackling projects, etc. Anyways, here we go with an update, pictures and some random thoughts on this mind.
*Baby update - Went in Monday for the ultrasound (I'm 20 weeks today) and everything is checking out great. We thought we were going to have to leave not knowing the gender, which, surprisingly, I was having an easier time coping with than Tim. The "area" was under my belly button and so all we could see was a black spot for awhile where there should have been some kind of parts going on - male or female. Out of the blue the baby moved, actually, it probably was from the technician pressing so hard all over the place and annoying him. That's right, I said HIM - we are expecting a baby boy...an active one at that. He did not stop moving the whole time we were peeking in at him. Hiccups, yawns, arms waving about and kicking feet. I hope he gets it out of his system now so he can come out calm for a bit. Anyways, yes - we have a first name picked out (middle name is still being decided by Tim) and yes, we are the kind of people who share it, so - our boy is going to be named Caleb. (Sorry, Lacey - we're seriously NOT stealing your son's name!) We picked Caleb for a couple different reasons: (a) It's pretty much the only boy name we can agree on and (b) We both think the Caleb of the Bible was a strong and godly man; loyal and obedient, and we would love for our son to have him as his namesake. Over the summer I was listening to "Revive Our Hearts" and Nancy Leigh DeMoss (not sure if I spelled that right) was doing a study on the life of Joshua and one of the days was about Caleb. It is one of my favorite shows I've heard of her's and has stuck with me since. You can read about Caleb in chapters 13 and 14 in the book of Numbers.
*Played at the GR Children's Museum last week with the Nashes. We went to Yesterdog beforehand for dinner and later that night I kept wondering to myself, "What is it about Yesterdog that makes it so awesome? The dive atmosphere? The graffiti on the walls and tables and duct tape holding together parts of the seats? The soggy hot dog buns? The lack of plates? The mix of classic rock and alternative '90s music? The way you feel like you can't get your hands clean enough after you leave?" When I was thinking over all these things, all I can come up with it is that's it's a combination of all the above. The place sounds horrid when you break up all the characteristics and yet when it's all combined, it's addictive. And delicious. Tim and I think Guy Fieri should feature it on "Diners, Dives and Drive-ins." Grand Rapids' gem, right? We love it along with probably everyone else in West Michigan.
Anyways, the Children's Museum was a blast. My kids could not get enough of it. My parents are getting the kids a family membership for Christmas this year so we'll be able to go as much as we want. It is so fun.
*We've been doing projects around the house. We made a toddler bed for Ellie. We wanted to get her out of her crib and get it put away with lots of time before we have to get it out again. She has a jealous nature to her and we can see her being the type to crawl into the crib and try to take it back if it's still fresh in her mind. Tim and I (and Noah, as a "helper") made the bed and we love the way it turned out. So cheap, too. It's great. We start the next project tonight: painting the dining room. I want to paint the walls a tan color (I need a break from the green that's on there now and am in need of a neutral.) Tim said that was fine IF he could paint the ceiling red. So we'll see how this is going to turn out. I will admit, though, I trust his taste in colors completely and when it comes to paint projects, he has more knowledge than me so I can't always see the vision of what he is seeing. I'm trusting him on this one...

*The knitting needles and crochet hooks have found their way out of the basket and into my hands as the weather turns colder. I made Ellie a winter hat, Noah a hat, have one in my queue at Ravelry for myself and have two requests for hats like Ellie's from some other women. I have to say, every year I forget how much I enjoy crocheting. You can turn out a project so much faster than knitting.
*I found a website I am very excited about. It's for once a month freezer cooking and is called Once a Month Mom. I'm getting more into the freezer cooking/baking. What a great way to save money and time!
*A family from church invited us over to their house Saturday night for dinner. They have four girls - the oldest is five years. Can you imagine? We enjoyed getting to know them and had some great discussion. Another family invited us over Monday night. They have three kids and just found out they are expecting #4. Their oldest, Jack, is the same age as Noah and they play together great. Outside of preschool, Noah doesn't have any boys his age to play with so he loved being at a house with a friend his age that plays the same way he does. They also have a daughter just three months younger than Ellie and another girl who is three years old, so Ellie had fun playing with their baby dolls and girlie toys. Tim and I clicked really quickly with the parents and we ended up staying way later than we anticipated. Thankfully, we are able to put our kids to bed easily at other people's houses and they must have been so tired from playing that they were almost instantly asleep. We're enjoying getting to know people from the church and the ones we just spent time with are less interested in playing games and more interested in conversation and getting to know people on an intimate level so it leads to good discussion on what God is teaching everyone.
*We received some great news that some very good friends of our's from college may be moving back to Michigan in the next year if the husband gets the job he's applying for (please, God!!) It's looking really positive so far. It wouldn't be West Michigan, but they would be only about 2 hours away as opposed to 5, so we'll take it!
*I'm very much excited for the holidays this year. We're simplifying everything in order to focus more on what it's really about and not having the pressure of Christmas shopping and fighting the crowds in the stores is so freeing. Tim and I do have to go on Saturday and get the gifts for the Operation Christmas Child shoeboxes we're putting together, but we're planning on doing that without kids so we can get through faster and be able to focus. Plus, that one is just fun because you're providing children with something they won't be getting otherwise. I know that my kids will get gifts from family members and even the nieces and nephews we buy for will also be getting lots of other gifts as well from other family, but I don't think the shoebox kids will so it's just as fun for us to provide some fun for them. We'll have Noah and Ellie help us assemble and wrap the boxes when we get home to involve them in the experience.
*I'm looking forward to getting out my "2009 Goals" list out and seeing what I actually accomplished and then making one for 2010. My friend, Bekah, recently wrote a blog post about making a list of 30 things to do before she turns 30. She found it on someone else's blog and I think I might do it as well. That means I should start thinking because I only have about 13 months to go.
And if you're wondering how big the belly is getting, then here is a little update on that. I actually feel smaller than my other pregnancies so far, although I felt I started getting bigger much sooner.
This is actually me at 6 months pregnant with Noah (this is actually the first picture we took of me pregnant with him. Is that sad?)

This is me pregnant at 5 1/2 months with Ellie. I'm not sure why this writing is funky right now.This is me at the children's museum last week at 5 months pregnant. Yes, the sweater is the same. I'm limited right now on the clothing options when it comes to maternity. And it's so stinkin' comfy, too.