Bedtime

Yesterday, I had a mass text message from a friend looking for advice in dealing with her 10 year old son who constantly pouts.  I couldn't help her because I have a 10 year old son carrying around attitude like it's his job.  Thankfully, a wiser-than-us friend came to the rescue:
Hormones are coming into play I am sure...Give opportunity to explain feelings daily and privately but sometimes a girl/boy just has to sulk.  End of day...How are you feeling?  What did you enjoy about today?  Was there anything that bothered you today?  Share that [his] emotions affect you and impact the family. You've got this.  I've heard that bedtime is one of the most opportune times for sharing.  Lights low, and no eye contact paired with physical closeness can really open a kid up.  We snuggle our kids nightly. It takes a while but they value the time.  

I decided to try this out tonight.  I've heard the "high-low" conversation suggested multiple times as something to do over dinner but I started thinking that this approach makes a lot more sense for our family.  For instance, over dinner, one child may not want to open up about a low point in front of their siblings when everyone is looking at him or her.  I felt like the bedtime opportunity seemed like a non-threatening environment.

As I climbed onto the bed next to Noah, I asked him how we was feeling. He said, "What do you mean?" I think he thought I was trying to ask if he felt sick.  I said, "Are you happy, sad, mad, tired?"  He laughed and said, "Happy.  Really happy."  I went through the other questions and he talked for a long time about his favorite part of the day.  He thought for a moment about what might have bothered him but said he couldn't come up with anything.  I used the time to talk to him about a situation earlier that had happened and explained how it made an impact on some other family members.

You know what?

Instead of brushing me off or tuning out like he usually seems to, I could tell he was actually listening to what I was saying.  I think about how sometimes when I'm mad at Tim about something, or if I am struggling to explain how I'm feeling if it's self-esteem related, it seems to tumble out when we turn off the lights and go to bed.  When he can't see my face, I feel safer spilling my emotions and thoughts.  It shouldn't surprise me that my son would feel the same thing.

We're going to start adopting this into our bedtime routine.  I'm hoping that by doing it now, it will start to create an environment in which our kids feel safe to talk to us about what they might be struggling with as they grow older.  A full decade ago, Noah was cradled in either mine or Tim's arms each night while he fell asleep sucking down his last bottle.  There was something memory-sweet about cuddling next to him tonight and listening to him talk.