Humiliation Stays With You

When you feel humiliated and embarrased, it stings. It can also bring back nasty memories.
I can remember one specific evening the summer after my eighth grade year. Actually, let me give some crucial background information first. I had a crush on the same boy since the first grade. Pretty much everyone knew about it and would tease me about it, but it didn't stop the fact that I liked him. He, on the other hand, liked to "go out with" girls in the grade ahead of us.
I was also a fairly gangly jr. higher. Frizzy hair, braces to fix a large overbite, poor posture to try to make myself feel the same size as the shorter friends around me, and stick skinny arms and legs. If you have seen "The Princess Diaries"....picture the main character pre-makeover. That was me.
Back to the summer after my eighth grade year: My family returned home one night and listened to the messages on the answering machine. A giggly girl's voice we didn't recognize came on. She was laughing while saying "Brooks will never like you. You have frizzy hair and those big buck teeth. Why do you think he would ever pay attention to you?" The insults dragged on for close to a minute. I still have my suspicions on who it was, though they've never been confirmed. I remember collapsing into my mom's arms and crying. For a young teenager with already low self-esteem to have someone actually verbalize how you felt about yourself was probably the most embarrased I have ever felt in my life...and I have had some embarrasing moments.
This is why I don't watch "American Idol" anymore. I know everyone thinks I'm crazy...and I don't think I'm better than anyone else who does watch it. When I watch it, though, I can only think of the auditions at the beginning that everyone gets such a kick out of. I mean, let's be honest...how many people watch it in the beginning solely for the auditions? I used to do the sae thing. Becoming a mother changed me because I started thinking about my childhood and what Noah's will be like. I don't ever want to see him in a position where people are laughing at him.
People watch the auditions and say, "They're so horrible! Do they not have friends and family members telling them not to do this?" What we should be realizing is, why are they being passed through 2 or 3 previous auditions with producers who then send them to the next level? They are being put on television specifically with the intent to be publicly laughed at.
It hurt enough for me to listen to the teasing on the answering machine in my own house surrounded only by my family. I can't imagine what it's like to have millions of people watching me and then talking about me the next day.
So why don't I watch the show now since the auditions are done? I just don't have any desire to. Tim is getting to the point where I can tell he wants to. I will just go into the bedroom to read while he watches it.
Twelve years later I can remember everything about that horrible evening for me. I did get the last laugh in the end when Brooks and I ended up seriously dating for three years in high school. Unfortunately, it still doesn't take the memories away.