Fall Family Photos

We are blessed to have many friends who are photographers, both professional, and those who do it for fun because they have a good eye and a good camera. Our friend, Jeana, took some family pictures for us on an afternoon this week when we actually had a break from the rain. Here are some of our favorites. Thanks a ton, Jeana!

As any family with young children knows, it's hard to get a picture with everyone looking at the camera. In this picture, Noah demonstrates this point as he was gazing longingly at the playground equipment.

My little peanut.

My big pumpkin.

Mi amor, who has always had an obsession with putting flowers behind my ears. This day I received a leaf.

Honestly, it's weird for me to look at pictures and realize she's my daugher since she looks everything the miniature of her dad but nothing like me. I feel like I look at pictures of the two of us and say, "Oh, right. She's mine."

My two favorite guys. We had not seen the Nashes in a long time and Noah was so excited to get to play with Emma. They were collecting leaves in this basket Jeana brought along and then both picked it up to carry it over to a different playground. The picture was completely candid - nobody told them what to do. It just turned out to be one of those great moments.

A God Thing (some encouragement for the day)

The day before I left for the Hearts at Home conference, our blue van was in the shop to have some rattling noises checked out as well as have our very back door handle rigged back on since it was rusting off. The shop called to tell us that we had two problems going on. The first, which needed to be fixed immediately, was to get a new wheel bearing. They said it's a safety issue because if the bearing goes, the tire goes, too, right off the van. This would be about $175 to fix. The second problem, they said, did not have to be fixed immediately but in the very near future. This has something to do with our struts (or something like that) and would cost $X.
I told Tim that I didn't have a problem with the bearing but could we wait on the more expensive problem. We called around and found out that it is actually a great price to get it fixed for. The thing is that we're coming into "slow season" for Tim and he is possibly without work until sometime in November or December. I can already feel myself tightening down the budget and my fist closing around our money. We debated back and forth on it and finally he agreed to wait.
The night I returned home from the conference, Tim brought up the subject again. He said he felt like we needed to tithe the $X (the amount of repair) and trust that God was going to provide for the van to be fixed. He said he could tell that I was already trying to control the situation instead of trusting. Oh, to be reminded of my faults... He said that if we received a check later somehow for $X then it was to go to the van repair.
So the next morning we tithed the money I was trying to grasp. Later I told Tim that it was actually much easier for me to write a check for that amount to go to ministry than it was to think about writing it for a van that isn't going to last. We left that afternoon for Ohio where we have spent the past two weeks. The kids and I returned home on Saturday because I had meetings I had to be at on Sunday and Tim comes home today (yea!)
Last night I was checking my email and had one from an organization called Giving Anonymously. It said that someone wanted to send us a gift of money and could I verify my address so they could get it to us. It encouraged me to check out their website to make sure it wasn't a fraud. Believe me, it was the first thing I did because I was so convinced it was a scam. Giving Anonymously has been featured on news programs (popular well-known ones), radio programs, newpaper reports, etc. It checked out and I think it's a pretty awesome concept. I would definitely think about using it in the future to bless someone and if you're looking for a way to give completely anonymously, you should check it out. One of the things I think is awesome about this is that when you get the check, there is a number to call and leave a voicemail so that you can thank the giver for their gift. This is nice for those of us who have been on the receving end and wish that we could somehow thank whoever blessed us.
I emailed back to confirm my address and to ask, out of curiousity, how much the check was for. Tim and I have not told anyone about the cost of this car repair; I don't even know if we shared with more than my mom (who is not behind this) the fact we even needed a repair at all.
I think it is important that in life we listen to when God is telling us to do something. Tim obviously felt that God was speaking to him to release the money and that I needed to release my fear and control. I felt, through the peace God gave me in tithing, that He was going to take care of us even while I was writing a check that could cover my grocery, electric, gas and water bills for the month. Whether God is telling you to give up a certain amount of money, or to give up a job you may be miserable in but depend on to pay your bills, or to just give up your need to control every little thing and become anxious about every thing in life...it's crucial to listen to Him. He sees the big picture and what we don't.
So, anyways, this morning I received an email back with the amount of the check we're to expect:
$X. (The exact amount of the repair.)

When September Ends and Why It's Important To Do Your Kegels...

I'm not a Green Day fan, but their song title "Wake Me Up When September Ends" was appropriate for me last month.
September is usually an interesting month anyways. Kids are heading back to school. The seasons start changing (maybe - in Michigan you never really know what it will be like.) It kind of feels like a time of beginnings with everything starting up again. It is also an emotional month for me.
This past September was especially exhausting. Noah started 4-year old kindergarten. I struggled with morning sickness, had a break at the end of the month and then Round 2 of morning sickness started up a week ago. I've never had that kind of experience before. With Noah my nausea stopped at 12 weeks exactly. Eleanor caused me to throw up every morning until I was 16 weeks along. With this one I never know if I'm going to throw up or not and two weeks ago I thought I was in the clear with it. What is going on inside that womb?
It was a rough month emotionally. A friend of mine miscarried September 12th at 14 weeks along. The next day was my sister and brother-in-law's 6th wedding anniversary, their daughter's 3rd birthday party and the first anniversary of their own miscarriage. Three days later on the 16th was the 5th anniversary of my miscarriage which was really hard for me this year, maybe because of everything else going on around me.
That week I also received word that a friend from college had thyroid cancer and a friend from our old church had a brain tumor (non-cancerous, thank God.) They both had surgeries the following week, my friend, Moriah, having her thyroid removed on Tuesday and Virginia having the tumor removed Thursday. Both went well, praise God.
The Ladies Bible Study at our church started the same week of the surgeries on that Wednesday. I am so thankful for it. I haven't been in one since the Moms Group a friend invited me to at her church when we lived in Grand Rapids. I was telling Tim the night before that I wonder if men really understand why we women need these kinds of things. He said he understood but probably only because he has seen firsthand the positive effect it has had on me. In GR, I joined it a few months after Noah was born and I was fighting postpartum unhappiness because new motherhood was NOT what I thought it would be. This new (to me) Bible Study is proving to be something that will challenge me, encourage me, hold me accountable, and love me. To be in a group of other women - with ages spanning those who are on their first baby to those who have great-grandchildren - is what every woman should have in her life. It is led by our pastor's wife and she is a strong, wise woman who isn't afraid to speak it like it is in the Bible. No sugar-coated Truth coming from her mouth. She is Spirit-filled and you can tell she spends a lot of time in prayer and in the Word.
The last weekend of the month was...eventful? You could say. Tim had spent the week working 12-14 hour days and had to work over the weekend as well so he was not home. The kids were bathed and just kind of hanging out playing and watching a movie while I cleaned up. I had spent the day cleaning the house, grocery shopping, etc. because I finally had my first burst of energy since entering my second trimester.
*If you are a man reading this - you may want to stop now. Just a warning.*
I went to the bathroom and while wiping thought something felt a little...wrong...down there. Out of curiousity, I put my hand down to feel a little more and there was definitely something hard coming out from between my legs. Quickly I washed my hands and ran upstairs, where I squatted over a mirror to see what was going on. I screamed after seeing something protruding between my legs.
I called Tim and told him I thought I might possibly be miscarrying. He asked if I was bleeding. No. Was I cramping? No. But there is definitely something coming out from a place only babies travel out of.
I then called my midwife/doctor's office, which was of course closed and wrote down the contact number for urgent questions for the on-call doctor. I called her, left a message with the nurse, and the doctor called me back soon after. She asked me what was wrong. The following is our conversation, not word-for-word, but you'll get the gist of it:
Me: I believe I am either miscarrying or delivering an alien baby.
Dr: I'm pretty sure you're not delivering an alien baby. Are you bleeding, cramping, in pain?
Me: No. What is going on? I have something coming out of me!
Dr: Can you describe it?
Me: Well, I guess it's kind of round, muscle-y looking maybe? Is the baby ok? Am I ok?
Dr: Well, it sounds like something that happens occasionally. Do you have kids already? Were they vaginal births?
Me: Yes, two of them.
Dr: Most likely - and this is not really common, but it's not uncommon either - your vaginal walls are caving in.
Silence.
Me: What?!
Dr: Talk to your doctor about it the next time you go in. There is no harm to you or the baby. Any other questions?
Me: Um, no, thanks. Bye.
Are there any other questions?! Yes! Like, why have I never heard of this before? Is my vagina always going to be falling out? When I joke around about all the pressure down there while I'm pregnant and say, "Oh, it feels like my crotch is falling out" I didn't really mean it literally!
My friend, Carrie, who was in town for the night came over shortly after to visit. She is a nurse and has worked the labor/delivery ward before. When I told her about it, she just stared at me and said, "Annie, I have never heard of that before."
Great.
So after she left and Tim was still not home yet, I did the next thing any curious and confused woman with no answers does. I googled, "mass protruding from between legs during pregnancy." That is when I came across multiple websites about uterine prolapse, which basically means the uterus is falling out. I should have stopped reading but instead was filled with the information of bedrest, preterm delivery, and hysterectomies being the only treatment for Stage 4 uterine prolapse, which, obviously, I had to have based on the fact stuff was coming out of me.
I went to bed unsettled and woke up with nothing coming out from between my legs anymore. Whew. I called my mom - which one should never really do before having concrete information about something - and told her my theory to which she of course freaked out. She already knew about uterine prolapse because my great-grandmother had it and was contantly having to go into the doctor in her old age to have her uterus put back in after it fell out. Oh, great. Not what I wanted to hear.
The next morning I called the office and got to meet the doctor that day. He is married to the midwife, who I saw the first time we went in. He asked a bunch of questions, did a pelvic exam and asked me to cough and then said, "Oh, yeah, I see what is going on."
Can I just break here and say how uncomfortable it is to be a woman and have your legs spread apart while you're laying on a table with a male OB/GYN you've never met before pretty much stating that it's obvious there is something wrong with your woman area. Anyways...
It turns out that, thankfully, it is not uterine prolapse, but cervical/vaginal prolapse. My uterus was at a size at the time where most of the weight was resting on my vaginal walls. Because my walls are weak from having those vaginal deliveries, not doing Kegels and the fact that everything else on me is weak so why not?, they were having trouble supporting the uterus and were caving in as a result. The good news is - and this has already happened - as the uterus grows, it rests on the pelvic bone and the weight is taken off the vaginal walls. The bad news is that at the end of the pregnancy when the baby's head drops down it will rest on those walls again and I will be in the same situation I was then.
"So what was actually coming out of me?" I asked him.
"Oh, that was your cervix. When you start to feel the pressure again, get off your feet as soon as possible."
"Why do pregnant women not talk about this? I'm pretty sure it's not in the pregnancy books, is it?"
"Well," he answered. "I think most women are embarassed by it. It's more common than you would think, however."
On a side note, everything is going well other than that with the pregnancy. My due date is actually April 1st, but we think he or she will make the appearance in late March.
So, ladies of childbearing age, I am here to tell you this story not to gross you out or make you afraid of having children, but to encourage you to do your Kegels.
And to not freak out if you're pregnant and something is protruding from your legs.
It's probably just your cervix.

Was I Staring?

This past weekend I met up with two of my dear friends from college and we attended the Hearts at Home conference in Grand Rapids. We started planning it in January when Kelly came up with the idea after hearing the founder, Jill Savage, speak at her mom's group. After 10 months of waiting, the weekend came. You could say we were a bit, um, excited.
I left a few minutes earlier because I couldn't wait any longer (read: I was anxious to get away from my kids and husband) and also made better time than I thought getting to the place where I was going to pick Kelly up from her husband, Jack. I was almost ten minutes early and, lo and behold, I saw the Baker van already waiting in the parking lot. Kelly jumped out before I had the van turned off and loaded up her bag. After picking up some Subway for dinner, we were off to the Docter household to rescue, I mean, pick up, Jen. We were early and, surprise surprise, she was waiting at the door with her bags. I guess when Mommy needs a getaway, she needs it badly. =)
We checked in to our hotel and then walked over (in the rain) to the DeVos center to pick up our conference bags complete with Saturday Workshops schedule, a travel pack of Kleenex and chocolate. After comparing our schedules and cheering over receiving the workshops we had hoped for, Jen bid us an adieu to head back to the hotel to get ready for a wedding reception she was attending with her husband, which was, thankfully at The B.O.B., right down the street from our hotel.
After sitting through a small concert by the children's group Go Fish, we left soon after the comedian started. OK, now I attended this conference three years ago in Lansing and Sara Groves was the featured artist. She's not only incredible, but she's a mom! Her songs and stories could connect with each of us sitting in the audience. I understand that Go Fish doesn't use marketing or advertising, but through word-of-mouth (by moms mostly) and it makes sense why they would then be there. And they were quite good; I think that my kids would love the music...but do I really want to be singing children's songs on my night AWAY from my kids? No. The concert was followed by a comedian who we didn't really find that funny, so we decided to just leave early. I mean, it was 8:00 by that point and we felt close to bedtime. Actually, we didn't really want to walk back to the hotel in the cold, dark rain any later than that.
Before leaving we decided to wander on over to the resources tables to check out some of the books. Ever since hearing Julie Barnhill on Focus on the Family recently talking about her book, "She's Gonna Blow!", I have been waiting to pick it up at the conference and praying I would get her session (I did, along with 350 other women who apparently struggle with feeling like an angry mom.) I found her section of the table and Kelly found her favorite speaker's section right next to it. The woman behind Julie's books told me to let her know if I had any questions regarding the books. I told her I found what I was looking for and handed it to her so I could purchase it.
She laughed at my quickness and asked me if I was going to go back to my hotel and read it all night. I laughed with her while fishing out my payment. I looked at the other books while she rang it up and then, instead of giving the book back to me, took out a pen.
"What's your name?" she asked.
I told her and looked up at her face, then down at the book in front of me I had been looking at, then back up at her.
"Oh my goodness, you're her!" I exclaimed.
We ended up talking for a few minutes while I told her about how I had literally sat on my couch and sobbed during her interview with Dr. Dobson and how I felt like someone had put words to the emotions inside me that worried me so.
After thanking her again, I strolled a couple feet over to where Kelly stood talking to the woman behind the next section. She looked up at me, "Annie, this is Juli Slattery, who I told you about." I laughed and, gesturing to the woman who had followed me over to the discussion, said, "And this is Julie Barnhill!" The four of us talked for a few more minutes and then Kelly and I headed back to the hotel.
As Kelly and I floated on air, we talked about how we felt like we were meeting big celebrities because these are speakers we hear on Moody Bible Radio's programs all the time. (Side note: I would highly recommend going to Focus on the Family's website and listening to both Julie Barnhill's broadcast, which was Sept. 8 and 9, as well as Juli Slattery's, which was within the last couple weeks. They were so good and Dr. Slattery's was actually rated the top broadcast of 2009 for Focus on the Family.)
Anyways, I felt we handled ourselves quite well in meeting our "celebrities." Then the next day came and I'm pretty sure I cancelled out my gracefulness.
Between the lunch break and my second workshop (which was by Dr. Slattery) I was walking through a doorway to get to the next meeting room. It was at that point that I looked up and saw the main session speaker, Dr. Kevin Leman, walking past me. It was at that point I tripped over myself while staring and felt like a total moron.
I have admired Dr. Leman for years. When Tim and I were first married, my mom gave us the book, "Sheet Music" to read through. I laughed through most of it because he is so funny. Then I read "First Time Mom" while expecting Noah and "Making Children Mind Without Losing Your's" when we entered the toddler years. Noah has his children's book, "My Firstborn, There's No One Like You."
I decided, after finishing my lunch, to go to his section of the table and check out the books. I really didn't think he would actually be there, but he was! After purchasing a couple books for the kids, he signed one of them. Now, with Julie Barnhill, I had no trouble talking to her. With Dr. Leman, I ended up saying, "Hi" as I handed him the book.
Tell him how much Tim enjoys the fact I read "Sheet Music" I thought. No. That's weird.
He's the king of knowledge regarding birth order. Ask him what in the world to do with Ellie. No, I can't take up that much of his time.
How about any of the other books? No words came to my head.
"Who do you want me to make this out to?" he asked. I looked at what book I handed him, which was "My Youngest, There's No One Like You."
"Well, I'm not sure," I answered. Then I realized I sounded even more like an idiot. "I mean, we don't know what the gender is yet. We weren't actually planning on having any more kids. This is our little surprise." Great, genius, way to say too much.
He laughed and said, "Oh, I have three of those."
I laughed a little too hard in response, I think.
He handed the book back and said, "Good luck."
"Thanks," I mumbled and turned away. He probably thinks I need a visit to a psychologist for myself.
Anyways, overall the conference was fantastic. I sat through four really good workshops and, best of all, had an incredible time with my girls. It took me a good two days of early bedtimes and napping to catch up on my four hours of bad sleep from Friday night, but I don't regret it. We can't wait until next year, although we decided that from now on - two nights away are going to be the requirement.

In My Head

The songs and thoughts going through my head presented to you by the videos they are represented by:



Since Tim purchased their CD when it came out months ago, this is the song that gets me each time. I just love the line, "I give You all of me for all You are, take me apart, take me apart."

And this verse is rattling around in there, too:
"It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man." -Psalm 118:8

I watched this documentary yesterday and then again last night when Tim said he wanted to watch it with me. This is the trailer for it:



It was really interesting. A lot of the information I had read about when I was pregnant with Ellie and researching natural, pain-free childbirth (which obviously didn't happen with her.) I'm not saying an epidural or delivering in a hospital is right or wrong, I just thought it was so intriguing to see how much childbirth has changed in the last 100 years.
I should get on here and write a "real" post some day, but today is not that day.

Life

I sent Noah off to his first day of 4-year old preschool today. When the teacher opened the classroom door (we wait in the hallway until it's time) he ran in without a hug or kiss, a good-bye, or even a look back at me and Ellie. What a difference a year makes. There are a few kids from his class last year in it again and one of the teachers is the same - it happens to be his "favorite teacher" so that's nice. Our morning had a horrendous start with one thing after another going on, but we survived and even got to school early somehow. I guess it helps that it's only two minutes from our house.

Over Labor Day weekend, Tim and Noah tried camping out in the tent in the backyard one night. They went out around 9:00 that night and at 10:45 I was woken up when I heard Tim bringing Noah back into his bedroom and then he climbed in bed next to me. Apparently our backyard is not the place for a 4-year old to camp out. There were a lot of lights he was asking about, a lot of noises, the bullfrogs and crickets were insanely loud that weekend and in less than two hours, Noah was in the house twice to use the bathroom. We'll try again next year - maybe at a real campground.

My first prenatal appointment went well. We got to hear and see the heartbeat, which was in the 150s. We really liked the midwife we're going with this time and are excited for our experience. In some ways I'm hoping this time kind of redeems the labor and delivery and postpartum I had with Ellie.

Noah has been having, for quite some time now, frequent nosebleeds. They happen at random times - when he's playing, sleeping, walking, etc. We had to take him in for blood draws last week - NOT a fun experience. It was the only time I have ever cried taking one of my children in to an appointment (well, besides Ellie's tubes surgery.) They were testing him for bleeding disorders. The pediatrician called today to say all the results came back great - yea! - but now we have to see the ENT specialist to find out what's going on with his nose.

Other little things in our life - Tim's brother and his family have moved back to the area after another hurtful experience by a church. Although we're heartbroken they had to experience what they did, it's nice to have family near us again.

STATS, the high school abstinence program I help with, is back in full swing again. I should be finding out in a few days what students I have on my team. I'm looking forward to meeting the new ones this Sunday and hopefully seeing some familiar faces.

We have a wedding to attend this weekend. We're excited for our friends and it should be a great time. We'll be able to visit with some people we haven't seen in awhile.

In less than three weeks, I'll be meeting up with my college friends, Jen and Kelly, to attend the Hearts at Home conference. We're having a Moms Night Away and I could not be more excited than I am right now...unless the conference director was to call us and say we won one of the drawings we signed up for. But even if we don't win, it won't detract from any of my excitement.

Tim and I are at a great place in our marriage. I'm not saying it can't be better - marriages always take work and can always find places of improvement - but I am saying that we're the closest we've ever been. Everything we've been through in the past couple months, and it's felt like a lot, has been for the good of our family as we've drawn closer to God, and as a result, to each other. Hurts, persecution, surprises and struggles are tiny blips in a bigger story. We praise Him for what He has done in our lives.

We are building connections at our church. Tim has been on a men's overnight camping trip and spent a morning playing paintball with some other guys from there. I'm looking forward to the ladies Bible Study that starts next week. I just wish we could memorize everyone else's names as quickly as they are able to remember our's.

Oh! I keep forgetting to mention the project! A few weeks ago now, I met with the director of the Lakeshore Pregnancy Center. I had a wonderful meeting with her and also got to meet the volunteer coordinator. I presented them with an idea I had, but stressed how I really was just wondering if they had a way of letting the moms know they are loved, cared for, supported, etc. I think too often in our Christian culture, we're very pressuring when it comes to not aborting, but then we don't walk with them through the rest of their pregnancy when they make a decision to keep their baby. God's timing is, of course, amazing. The director told me they had been trying to figure out how to develop a ministry for the moms when she got my initial email. We tossed around a couple ideas, prayed with each other and are going to keep in contact as the idea grows and forms. I told her that I would like to get through my first trimester since I've not been feeling the greatest before I throw myself into it and she said that was fine since they just moved into a new building and are still unpacking. Through the wonderful support, encouragement, and help from the girls in my small group - who want to be involved in any way they can - I think it's going to be awesome. I also have the support of our church who are eager to know how they can help as well, so I have a lot of people on board! I'm so excited to see how God is going to use us for these women.

So that's our life right now.

Great For Kids...And Adults!

My sister-in-law posted a link for this on her Facebook page recently and I thought it was great.
They're called Seeds Family Worship and they have CDs that are Scripture set to music. The music is really good, really catchy, and even Tim and I enjoyed watching the videos and listening to them (you can listen to all the songs on their website.) Every time I woke up last night to use the bathroom or toss and turn, there seemed to be one of the songs in my head. At first I thought, "Oh, no. I hate when this happens with songs." Then I realized that for these songs - it's a good thing, since we're told to meditate on Scripture and to teach it to our children.
Here is one of their songs. It's Psalm 55:22: "Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you. He will never let the righteous fall."
*I'm not sure why the video picture is off, like it's too big for the screen. It's not like this on the website.*

The Stick...

reads positive!
*ETA: early April 2010, somewhere in the first week.
*Our reaction: shell-shocked for a couple days and then excited. Now we can't picture our life without this little one.
*I am a little over 8 weeks along and wasn't planning on telling for another month but a friend who knew mentioned it on his facebook page and I figured I should tell before getting confused and curious questions from our mutual friends on my own page (darn those social networking sites!)
*No, I haven't been to the doctor yet. My first appointment is September 9th and I plan on using a mid-wife in the hospital.
*Yes, I have morning sickness. Haven't thrown up yet - thank you, God! - but sometimes I just wish I would so that the nausea would go away. The other thing I'm fighting against is exhaustion. Being pregnant and chasing two little ones is HARD! I'm looking forward to the start of preschool and the second trimester.
*Yes, the kids know. Ellie has no idea what we're talking about and Noah is extremely excited. He is already requesting a boy.
Please be in prayer with us as we tread through to my appointment. After experiencing a miscarriage of one birth, I feel like I hold my breath through the pregnancy. I let out a little bit at the first appointment when I hear the heartbeat and then a little more at the 20-week ultrasound. I can't fully breathe until the baby is delivered and in my arms. This is the first time since the miscarriage that we have announced it without first having extensive blood tests or ultrasounds done to be assured before twelve weeks is up. Tim is confident everything will be fine. It's nice to have a husband that is calm and sensible. =)

Never Heard It Put Like That

Tim and I have been spending quite a bit of our spare time watching or listening to sermons, reading our Bibles, and talking about what God is showing us. We feel as if God is affirming certain things to us again and again and continually teaching us new things. It has been quite the learning experience.
Last week, while checking his brother's blog, we came across a video called The Ten Indictments. It's almost 2 hours long, but worth the time. We started it late the first night so we only watched about half of it and then finished it the next night. Randy also posted a link to the transcript and we talked about how we wouldn't mind reading through it with a hi-lighter or pen. It's a lot of information to wrap your head around, and some of it you might not like to hear, but all of it is in Biblical context and you can't really argue that.
Anyways, a ton of stuff stood out to us while watching that, but one of the things was when the speaker talked about Christ becoming our sin on the cross. The way he described it - I had never heard it before. I always believed that Jesus died for our sins on the cross but it was never really described to me that he became our sins.
2 Corinthians 5:21 says that "God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."
Yesterday in our Sunday School class we were finishing up a series on the Atonement. The teacher of the class, who is the associate pastor, asked how - in a time of stoicism, when people showed no emotion going to their deaths or punishment - Jesus showed anguish, even crying out while on the cross.
A couple different ideas poppped up. One woman said that Jesus was stoic while receiving the beatings and whippings, never once fighting back. A man spoke up and said what was on my mind and had been on my mind since watching the Ten Indictments video. Jesus, who is perfect, became sin on the cross. He was separated from his Father in that moment. Yes, there was physical pain going on, but it was probably the spiritual pain that was causing him anguish.
Paul Washer put it like this in the video:
So many people have this romantic, powerless view of the Gospel that the Christ is there hanging on the tree suffering under the wounds of the Roman empire and the Father did not have the moral fortitude to bear the suffering of his son so he turned away. No! He turned away because his Son became sin.
Think of how much sin affects you, how much pain it causes. Now picture God taking on all the sins of the world, becoming them, so that we may have the opportunity to have relationship with the Father and join Him in Heaven. It just kind of makes you stop and think.
As Tim and I were going to sleep last night he made the comment that he can't believe in all his life he has never heard any of this described in this way. I agreed. We both grew up going to church and have attended many different churches between the two of us as we have moved around geographically and grown up. Yet 28 years later, God reveals this to us and it shakes us to the core. It makes us appreciate so much more and fall deeper in love with God, wanting to know Him more and more.
How do you look at the cross?

Happy Birthday, Handsome Boy

August 16th, 2005

August 16, 2006

August 16, 2007

August 16th, 2008

August 16th, 2009
This was the only non-completely blurry photo from your actual birthday so I wanted to also use one from the day before since it's clearer...

August 15th, 2009
...However, you're really into making silly faces right now so this is the best I can find. =)

Happy birthday, Noah (a day late but we had quite the busy and fun weekend!)

It has been a joy watching you grow and learn year by year. You are full of curiousity and you are all boy - dinosaurs, trucks, planes, trains, camping gear, nonstop movement and daredevil tricks that make my heart stop. You are a great big brother. As you start to navigate these 4 year-old waters that are as yet unchartered in our household, remember that Daddy and I love you and thank God for you every day. We are trying our hardest to raise you to know and love the Lord and we love listening to your little prayers that are so pure and honest.

Love you lots,

Mommy

In Regards To...

I wrote a post last week titled "Hard Stuff" (don't bother looking for it.) In it, I described the thoughts that Tim and I are working through as we think about "church." I spent three days writing it and even had an outside source (not Tim) check it before posting it to tell me whether or not if was offensive because that was not what I wanted.
I deleted the post Saturday morning after receiving a phone call the day before. The caller told me my post was "arrogant", "hurtful" and was causing discord within the church. They also criticized me for claiming that my way is the only way. After talking about it with Tim we thought it best to remove the post since there were some people that were not taking it the right way. Until that point, I had had no idea since the comments that were left on it had been encouraging, supportive, and a few even said that they were working through the same thoughts.
It was certainly NOT my intent to be mean-spirited, hurtful or arrogant. And while I am sorry that it was taken that way, I told Tim that I can't apologize for the issues I brought up or wrote about. After all, this is my blog where I do the following things: write updates about our family, and bring up issues in my life I'm dealing with/working through/struggling with. I don't expect everyone to agree with me - when I write about my anti-abortion stance, I can think of one of my high school friends who doesn't agree with me and reads this blog. I have posted my thoughts on birth control pills, which I know many of you don't think the same about. I have wondered about fertility methods and whether we should try to control how many kids God gives us. I have talked about how much I love using cloth diapers and I'm sure that grosses some of you out. It doesn't mean that any of my thoughts or opinions are "the only way" to think on these or that I expect everyone to agree with me.
The things I wrote about with the church have been in my head for a loooong time. This is not something recent. Nor is that fact I wrote about them. I have wrote about music in the church before, wondering what is it that determines "worship" music, and also why in most modern churches today we don't sing hymns anymore? Does the music at a church determine whether or not I want to go there? Absolutely not. It's not a "make or break" issue for me. When I go to a church, do I feel my heart is becoming more prepared when it's quieter with a variety and I can hear the people around me? Yes. But until the church we've been attending the past month, I don't know if I've ever attended a church like that. For me, it comes down to the preaching. I like it from the Bible and about the Bible.
Tim and I don't even know if we are going to end up deciding to go to church within a building. These are things we're talking through and learning about. What did the New Testament church look like? We both come from a mindset that church is for a community of believers who are encouraging each other and equipping each other to go out and make disciples. We think that if Jesus was in flesh on earth today, His church would be smaller than the megachurches. I don't think it's quantity that matters, but quality.
Are those who consider themselves Christians actually following Jesus? His teachings are not always fun to hear. We may not want to agree with some of them, but we can't question Him either on why they are that way. I have to admit that just about 4 months ago is when I feel like I came to know Christ for the first time. I grew up in the church and knew right from wrong and good from bad and what to say, do, volunteer with, etc. It wasn't until I started taking Scripture to heart and realizing the seriousness of it that I felt I finally got it. It was when I realized that I needed to start living with an eternal perspective. Thankfully, Tim was experiencing a lot of similar things at the same time so we have been able to talk to each other a lot about all this.
My post before was not to criticize the church - especially any particular church - but to ask questions. The verse that caught mine and Tim's attention and woke up us was from Revelation 3:15-17:
I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth. For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked.
We realized we were living as lukewarm Christians, although if God is going to spit the lukewarm out of His mouth, than can they even be considered Christians? We knew we needed to change our way of living and our perspective. So that's what we are doing. Yet we are concerned when we look around us and see so many people living the same way we were. This is why we desire challenge in the church, why we think that the people in the church should be courageous, to be constantly growing and learning more. It's not a "we hate the church" thing or "we hate your way of doing church." It's wanting to see churches kick the butts sitting in their seats into a deeper, growing relationship with Christ. If you are attending a church I wrote about before and you feel that church is helping you to do those things, then that is fantastic. I just know that those churches aren't doing that for Tim and I as we grow in our own personal studies and as we are challenged in our small group. I have talked to many people around me as well who are struggling with all the same things and wanting more. That is why Tim and I feel there is a type of shift, a revolution as Tim says, that is on the rise.
That's why we are desiring to live differently, to not follow a pastor or follow a church but to follow Christ. The only way we can know how to do that is by studying the Bible, His Word He left for us.
So I am sorry if anyone took my last post in a hurtful way or were offended by it since that was not the point. It was never intended to be harmful but I can see how when things are written and not vocalized, tones can be mistaken. I think part rests on the reader as well and where their thoughts are on the matter. If they disagree with me, I can see where they would think I am attacking when that is not the case.
I hope that, in whatever church you find yourself, you are being challenged, you are growing, you are desiring God, you are learning to live with an eternal perspective, and you are choosing to live differently. Most of all, I hope that you are following Jesus.

Spirit Jump

I joined something called Spirit Jump awhile ago. It was started by a young woman who had a blog called "I Kicked Cancer's Ass." Popularity of her blog grew and people sought her out for encouragement as they battled cancer themselves. She eventually joined up with another young woman who was fighting cancer. They created Spirit Jump. "What is it," you ask? (Or maybe you don't, but let's just pretend you did.)
They send out emails with profiles for people fighting cancer who are in need of a "spirit jump," which is basically just some encouragement. You can reply back if you are interested and they will send you the address for whom you request from the email. You can request as many as you want, or you can let the email go on by and not reply at all. It is as simple as sending a card in the mail letting the person know that you are thinking of them or wishing them well. Some people who are creative make things to send to certain people and others may send gifts or have their children draw pictures to send. We have done both of just sending a card and also putting together little gift boxes to send.
I think this is a great way to teach kids the importance of selflessness, of being thankful for the things they have, of caring for others, etc. Noah loves when we do this. It is an easy way to teach some life lessons, as well as an opportunity to talk about some hard things (regarding people being sick, etc.)
If you are interested in joining Spirit Jump or finding out more about it, please click here. It's worth a few minutes of your time.

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith. -Galatians 6:9-10

What's round on the ends and "hi" in the middle?

Ohio!
Hahaha. I can actually remember that from a Laffy Taffy wrapper in elementary school.
Anyway...my mother-in-law invited me to come down for a visit with the kids for a few days. She also encouraged me to bring along a friend, preferably childless, and so my friend, Mandy, joined us. Mandy is 6 months pregnant with her first baby and has had a heck of a year with work and whatnot.
We had a great time and I thought I would share some of the highlights/pictures from our fun trip.

Tim's parents live on a lake in Ohio. There is a small beach open to the residents of the community and on this beach there is a slide. The wetter you and the slide are, the faster you go. I wasn't sure how Noah would react to this, but he quickly climbed up it, prepared for takeoff, and...

...LOVED it! He went down it so many times. My mother-in-law and I both went down it a couple times as well.

Ellie played on the "sand" (which feels more like gravel) while Mandy supervised to make sure she didn't eat any "sand" or cigarette butts.

Noah steered the pontoon boat home from the beach while Grandma Joycie finished her lunch. You can tell he takes his job very seriously.

Ellie, on the other hand, had admitted defeat to the lifejacket she tried so hard to take off and was almost on her way to la-la-land.

My big project for the weekend was to make a quilt for Mandy's baby. She loves the quilt that my mother-in-law made for Noah when he was born and so I told her that, if she wanted, I would make her one for a gift. Thankfully, we picked up all the fabric before leaving and I brought my sewing maching and things down with us. As a team, we worked on the quilt anytime the kids were asleep. Joyce was the "cutter", I was the "sewer" and Mandy was the "ironer."Since the weather was, actually, the weather was crazy while we were down there, but we still braved the varying elements to work on the screened porch and enjoy what we could of the outside.

On Friday, the kids woke from their naps right as a thunderstorm was coming in. We snuggled up to watch it together on the porch.

The kids liked these little stirrers. They were plastic (yea! not breakable!) and had pink flamingoes on them.

Eleanor loved this little rocking chair. She thought she was the coolest thing. This was moments before the accident. "What accident?" you ask...

Just the one where she was sitting on a bottom step and, while trying to turn herself around to climb down it, lost her balance and hit the wall with her eye. Her first black eye and it looks much worse than what the picture shows. My poor baby...

Noah also was put in charge of steering the lawnmower (after the lawn was mowed and blade was NOT down anymore) with Papa.

Joyce showing Mandy how to press the binding into place. Mandy loves the way it turned out - yea! It was so fun to make and now I have a little more confidence for the next time I make one.

It's Simple, Really...

While the kids and I were visiting my parents last week for a couple days, Tim checked some piddly things off his to-do list. Not that the things weren't important, just that they were quick and easy - the things you like crossing off your to-do list because it makes you look like you're working through it at an incredible pace. Can anyone else relate to that feeling?
One of the things he crossed off was hanging a clothesline for me. It's nothing fancy. Just a plain clothesline from Meijer that cost a couple bucks hung by some hooks from Home Depot that cost more or less the same amount. He strung it from the edge of our deck to a tree a few feet away. It's small but it's something.
Monday is a laundry day here. The hamper is usually overflowing from the weekend and now with summer here there tends to be more clothes changing due to bathing suits and dirty play-outside clothes separated from church clothes.
Today is sunny and there is a nice breeze so I was able to use my clothesline for the first time. The excitement! I hate doing laundry but I love hanging clothes on a line and watching them sway in the breeze. As I was hanging the first load this morning, I thought about how long it has been since I have worn clothes dried in the fresh air.
My mom still uses her clothesline that she has been using since we moved into the house when I was somewhere around the age of two or three. The lines themselves have probably been replaced, but it's basically the same. My make-shift clothesline is not as long, but that's ok - I also don't have ten acres of land.
Clotheslines are simple but they provide memories. They provide hiding places for small children behind bedsheets and towels that stretch to inches above the ground. They provide crisp clothes that at times can be uncomfortable, honestly.
A child can weave in and out of clothes flip-flapping in a warm breeze and be caught up in a dance within the swaying. Little girls love to twirl and what fun to have dance partners that twirl alongside and around her.
I can remember late summer afternoons and early evenings when a storm would suddenly be upon us. Someone would look outside and yell "The clothes!" and everyone would run out together, with one grabbing the basket on the way, and take down the clothes as quickly as possible before the rain drenched them.
I admit I have looked out our back window many times today and smiled at our clothes and towels dancing on the breeze. I don't need the noise of a television. Today I have sunshine, a breeze, clothes on a line, napping children, the sound of boats on surrounding lakes and bayous and a peaceful, content heart.
It's all very simple, really.

Vacation/Staycation

We have been out of state the past few days. It was great. Thursday night we headed to Randy and Deidra's place, on the other side of Chicago. It felt like it took forever to get there because we missed a couple turns along the way. I thought for sure the kids would fall asleep in the car since we didn't even leave until almost 6:00...yeah, not so much. They were wired when we got there and then stayed up playing with their cousins until almost 10:30 their time (which is 11:30 our time since they're an hour behind.) It took awhile for Noah and Ellie to wind down and yet they were still up at 5:30 (Chicago time) the next morning! Not cool.
We went to the Jelly Belly Factory in Wisconsin on Friday. It rained/stormed most of the day so we found inside things to do. We were able to try lots of yummy samples after the tour and buy some huge bags of fruit snacks and jelly bellies for super cheap prices. Deidra bought a little bag of the "bean boozled" flavors so I was also able to try "baby wipes" later that night. Ick, although it tasted how I imagined it would. I also had toothpaste, but that just made me feel like I had just finished brushing my teeth.
The next day was sunny and hot. Deidra and I kicked off the morning with a trip to Old Navy to hit their $2 tank tops sale. We were also armed with 15% off coupons so I scored 5 tank tops (some for me and some for Ellie) for $8.50! And we were in need of some with how unexpectedly warm it was that day. Weather.com was wrong in their forecast for our time away so I felt fairly unprepared when we actually got there. We went to a playground/splash area near their house. It was fun, although Ellie wasn't really into it. She ended up falling asleep on a towel in some shade instead. The backs of my shoulders burned and finally started feeling better today.
That night we hired a baby-sitter and went out on a double date. We headed into Highland Park in hopes of hitting the Anthropologie store (which I've always wanted to visit) and were bummed to find out it closed about two minutes before we pulled into the parking lot. Oh, well, maybe next time. Instead, we drove on to find a Frank Lloyd Wright house and also found a second one we weren't expecting to find. We also drove by the house where they filmed the scene from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" with the nice car and how it falls through the windows, etc. We ended at Border's and had some free drinks thanks to some coupons Deidra had. I'm glad they included non-coffee drinks since I'm not a coffee drinker but the fruit smoothie type one I had was deeeelicious. We came back and watched a John Piper sermon (during which Tim fell asleep about 5 minutes into it) and then debated predestination/free will. Randy thinks we go to heaven based on predestination; I disagree. I will tell you this, though: Tim and I are not late night people. Randy and Deidra are. With the time difference added into it, it made it hard for Tim and I to function by the end. Here is my advice: Don't start theological discussions/debates late at night if you are not a late-night person. My brain felt like mush and I couldn't think straight.
We left after church the next day and headed to Indiana to visit our friends, Jack and Kelly. We got there around dinner time and it was great to see them. After cleaning up from dinner, we wives excused our husbands to go to a coffee shop Jack was wanting to show Tim and they were able to end their Father's Day away from the kiddos and have some time to catch up which also gave Kelly and I a chance to chat.
Kelly has been one of my closest friends since our freshman year of college and she is so dear to me. I think that when we are together, we are very raw and honest with each other and the struggles/high points we are going through in life. We can cry together, laugh together and relate to just about every thing - especially having sons close in age and daughters even closer in age.
We went to Monkey Joe's the next day which was a really fun place and the kids loved it. After nap time the weather was insanely hot and the only way anyone really wanted to go outside was if the sprinklers were on. After dinner Kelly, who is a helper in Vacation Bible School at her church this week, took Owen and Noah to the first night of VBS. They didn't get home until 9:00 and Noah was talking non-stop about it. I'm going to be calling a church in our area this week to see if he can attend their's. He has a preschool friend who is going to be there and the mom was asking if I would be willing to bring Noah, too. The only problem is that it starts at 4 years old so I have to see if Noah could slide in still (when it is going on, he will have less than a month until his 4th birthday.) Our church doesn't have VBS and, based on Monday night, I think he'll love it.
Kelly and I escaped Tuesday morning and went to the mall to walk around a bit and get some time away. We left after lunch and got home around dinner time last night. And that was our vacation.
Tim is off work until Monday, however, so today began our "staycation" in which we will be doing projects around the house (Tim is upstairs painting right now) and hitting the Spring Lake beach (which is where we went earlier and had a picnic lunch.) The water in Spring Lake is so much warmer than Lake Michigan. It felt wonderful earlier. Even Ellie loved being in it (finally!)
I hope everyone else is able to get some time to relax and play, whether at home or away (didn't mean to rhyme that one...)

!Musica!

Music/artists we've been listening to lately:

The Avett Brothers - folk; my childhood friend, Rachel, introduced us to their music. This is one of our favorite songs. Tim said it reminds him of him and his brother.



Matisyahu - I remember seeing him on a news morning show back in college but it wasn't until a few years ago that Tim heard of him from our friend Matt and was instantly a big fan. Ever heard a Jewish reggae artist? Most of his songs have a Biblical/Old Testament base to them, lots about the qualities of GOd.



Sondre Lerche - The past couple times I have been to visit my friend, Rachel B., she has had the Dan in Real Life soundtrack playing. I found it for cheap when Circuit City was going out of business and snatched it up. Love it! The embedding is disabled on most of his videos so you can check out a couple of our non-soundtrack favorites by clicking here for "Phantom Punch" or here for "Two-Way Monologue."



Sufjan Stevens - I have had his CD, Greetings from Michigan: The Great Lakes State for a few years now but just broke it out and started listening to it again recently. His music is different so not everyone enjoys it but, hey, most music is like that. Though not under a Christian label, many of his songs have the Christian undertone. David Crowder remade his song "Oh, God, Where are You Now?" I love that on this CD all the songs are about Michigan towns (it's his homestate) and have titles like the video below "For the Widows in Paradise, For the Fatherless in Ypsilanti" or "Detroit, Lift Up Your Weary Head! Rebuild, Restore, Reconsider."


Katie Herzig - I found her album Apple Tree on Derek Webb's free music download site Noise Trade. I think there is something about her voice that keeps us listening to it.


Fiction Family - I waited almost two years for this CD to come out, since I first heard rumor of Jon Foreman from Switchfoot and Sean Watkins from Nickel Creek teaming up. It delivered everything I hoped it would. I hope I don't have to wait two years for the next.


Tim has also been listening to the new Mat Kearney CD along with Tenth Avenue North and really likes both of those.
Anyone else have music sugestions?

Pictures & Updates!

I realized that I haven't posted anything about our family in awhile, especially pictures! Here are some updates, starting with the youngest and working our way up.

*Eleanor is now almost 14 months old. She's still not walking which completely surprises us. Noah was running by this point. She wants to hold on to one of our fingers wherever she walks, but as soon as we try to slip it away, she stands for a moment and then drops herself to the ground in a controlled manner. She could totally walk on her own but she is stubborn. Her vocabulary is expanding. It seems like every day we're adding in a new word, although the untrained/non-parent ear probably couldn't understand any of them. A few are: mama, dada, hi, night (those are the most understandable) and then we have: "dah" -dog, "cuh" - cup, "deen" - drink, "deen-dee" - binky as the other most commonly used. She attempts just about every word we prompt her with. She also is doing animal sounds and we love when she does the elephant because she's just so darn cute with her hand raised in the air. She also likes to "rooooorm" Noah's toy cars and airplane around. She maintains a spit-fire diva attitude that we are learning how to parent. Any suggestions for this personality would be much appreciated!

*Noah is our steady constant. He just rolls through life with a flexibility that we are so thankful for. His first year of preschool is done (sniff, sniff) and he is missing it and his friends (and we still have 3 months to go before it starts again!) I found a bike for him at a garage sale about a month ago. It's a "big boy" bike with training wheels and he could spend all day on it. A couple nights ago we took a family bike ride after dinner and he went three miles! No complaints. I'm thinking he could tackle Mackinac Island...well, maybe not yet. He is not the type to want to sit down and color or draw, but he loves "find the hidden objects" pictures and I'm surprised with how good he is at them. My parents bought him a subscription to Highlights for Christmas and he thinks he is way cool when his very own magazine comes in the mail. He is still all about dinosaurs and things that move and music.

*Tim and I are having a fantastic year. We were talking the other night about how we feel like we'll be ending 2009 as different people than we started based on changes we've made in our lives. Besides the growth in our spiritual lives, we both have started exercising. For the past month we have had a consistent pattern down. I run 3 mornings a week before he leaves for work and then he runs 3 other mornings before he leaves and we take Sundays off, or leave them for family walks or bike rides. Tim told me, "I love that we work out together now...but not together." I said I completely understood and felt the same way. I have no desire to run next to him, actually, I don't think I could run fast enough to be next to him but I love that we have something similar that we are doing that we can talk about and discuss. Oddly, both of us exercising has been really good for our marriage. I have also been being cautious about how many calories I eat in a day and have been keeping a food journal. I know, it sounds kind of extreme, but oh, wow, I was shocked to see how much junk I was eating and how many calories I was consuming. I got online to find out how many calories I should be eating for my weight, height, age, etc. and try to stay within that amount now. I am already feeling much better, have more energy and sleep like a rock at night.

We planted our first real garden and are already seeing veggies and flowers popping up. Outside of the garden, in random places in the backyard, we planted pumpkins, melons, strawberry plants, and a few shoots of raspberries from my aunt. We were probably a bit ambitious with the many things we planted, but we're excited to see what comes up!

We have an upcoming trip to the Chicago area to visit Tim's brother Randy and his wife, Deidra, and their family. On our way home we'll be stopping to visit our college friends, Jack and Kelly and their kids. We're looking forward to some time with family and friends and getting away for a little bit.

Oh! Some very good news: my dad goes back to work on Monday. Praise God!

And that is our family in a nutshell update.

These are a couple pictures I finally transferred from my phone over to our computer. They're from February, when Ellie had her surgery to put tubes in her ears. Can you believe the little hospital gown?

This was our first dinner on the deck. The table was given to us by my parents after they bought a new one, but they didn't have the chairs for some reason. We just drag out the dining room chairs when we want to eat outside - no problem!

Tim removing the dead tree (we're really sad it was dead since in our minds it would have been pretty.)

To put our garden where it would get the most amount of sun it needed, we had to dig up a bush that was sitting there. Tim put it where the weeping cherry had been and it looks great now!

Tim's baby - I mean, garden.

Ellie wore her first real pigtails to church on Sunday. I know they pretty much look like two posts coming out of the sides of her head, but we're working with what we have here.

Boxes can be such fun. Noah takes driving his "car" quite seriously, while people need to watch out for Ellie on the road. Their "house" is in the background.

We went to the Muskegon Farmers Market last Saturday and then followed with a quick (and chilly!) trip to the playground at Pier Marquette. Noah kept saying, "The sun is closing my eyes!"

We have been baking a lot around here. Well, not so much Tim, but me and my "helper", Noah. Here is some dough for our Hearty Whole Wheat bread. It made 2 loaves and was delicious. There is something about kneading dough that is soothing for me.

And while Tim handles the reins of the garden project, mine is our bedroom. We haven't done a thing with it since we moved in a year ago and this summer I am slowly making changes (as time and finances allow) to make it a bit more of a bedroom for us. Here is the first "before."

And here is the first "after" - first as in this is the only thing I've done so far. I really wanted to lighten the room up for summer so I thought I would make my own duvet cover and pillow slipcovers to save money. While looking for different fabrics and topsheets to construct a duvet cover, I ended up finding a Tommy Hilfiger duvet cover for $1.99!! It's the perfect neutral color so I can change up accents often. I then found the fabric on a great sale at Field's Fabrics the same day and made up my slipcovers. So the bed has been re-done for a total of $11.00 and I have leftover fabric. My mom asked me during a phone call to describe the pattern of the pillows and I told her it was what you would find on the lanai of a retired Florida couple...but I LOVE it.

My Story

I have been wanting to write about the changes in my life for a little while now, but haven't had enough time/energy to sit down and do it. Hopefully my kids will nap long enough to allow me to do it now. =)

When I was 5 years old, I became a Christian. I have a detailed memory of playing in our basement and suddenly dropping to my knees and telling Jesus that I believed in Him and wanted Him to come live in my heart. I believed God sat on the clouds and wrote my prayers down in a little notebook He had. Everyone had their own prayer notebook that He kept.

Growing up, I knew right from wrong, although that's not to say I always followed it. In high school I was called a hypocrite often. I didn't drink or smoke or do drugs, but I gossipped, judged others and had very physical relationships. Looking back, I can see how hypocritical I truly was. Don't you just want to kick yourself for things you did as a teenager sometimes? I do.

In college, my faith grew a bit because I wasn't in my home church and I was trying to "discover" God for myself. I was finding friends who were challenging me and helping me grow in life. They are so dear to me now as we have been with each other through life's turns and obstacles, always coming out stronger than when we went in.

I still knew right from wrong, and was actually following it a bit more, but I wouldn't say God was the center of my life even then. Through marriage and, especially the birth of my children, He started to pull me toward Him more.

Fear and anxiety are strong fighters, though, and they liked first place in me. I am, by genetics, a worrier. Anxiety attacks kept me from sleeping well. I could make up a horrible situatino for anything. I pictured cops showing up at my door to tell me Tim was dead. I thought of Noah falling down a flight of stairs and breaking his neck, or being kidnapped. I imagined Ellie dying of SIDS or being smothered by her big brother "hugging" her. I let these fears and pictures play over and again in my head and they ran my life and my body. If you have never had an anxiety attack, they feel a bit like a heart attack. Racing heart, pain through the left arm, shortness of breath. I actually went into Urgent Care when I had my first one. They put me on anti-depressants for a couple months (until I decided to stop them cold turkey - not wise.) Apparently anti-depressants are the only treatment for anxiety.

Tim sure is a trooper. He deserves an award.

Then this past December I heard a song from Sara Groves' Christmas album called "It's True." You can listen to it here. The chorus always gets me:



It's true
Kingdoms and crowns
The God who came down to find you
It's true
Angels on high
Sing through the night
Halleluah


I remember crying the first, well, almost every time I listen to it. I have always known that God cares for me but it really hit me at that moment. God cares for me. He loves me so much He came down to find me. When I can't even love myself, God still does. Does this thought blow anyone else's mind when they think about it?

Wow.

That's when I felt a stirring in my heart but didn't know exactly where it was going to go. I started reading my Bible more and we started in a small group working their way through the book of John. It was so refreshing to really dig into God's Word and discuss it with others. I started listening to pastor's programs on the radio, such as Truth for Life with Alistair Begg, Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, Walk in the Word and Revive our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss.
Then our friend, Matt Nash, gave us the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan, who I'm sure you're tired of hearing about on my blog but too bad.

It's my blog. =)
I was hooked from the Preface on as Francis Chan challenges the readers. The second chapter is called "You Might Not Finish This Chapter." It helped to crush my fear and anxiety, leaving that first place in my life and heart open for the Lord. Chan gave Scripture after Scripture that dealt with worry and anxiety and fear. It's a sin. A serious one, too, because it takes our trust away from God. My friend, Rachel, pointed me to Philippians 4 a long time ago and called it "The Mental Health Chapter." So true. When I start to worry even a little, I immediately try to recall that passage. I don't know it word for word, but enough to remind me where my trust and hope needs to be.
I felt myself starting to change- and for the better!- as Tim will tell you. About a month ago we were talking about it and I told him that I feel as if I'm coming to know God for the first time. He told me it's not uncommon for many people to fall away through the years and have God call them back.
This change, however, is also what's been challenging the things I listen to, read and watch. The post a couple below was not to make anyone feel judged or guilty for what they may watch, but to just bring up a point that I've been convicted with. Tim and I joke about how much more conservative we've been feeling, along with our craving for expository preaching/teaching.
My old friend, Renee - not old in years but in that I've known her for years, since we were around the age of three I think - gave us a Third Day CD last summer after she and her husband stayed a night with us. On it is a song called "Born Again" and I'm going to leave you with the video that has the lyrics because the song sums up what I've been through in recent months.
Below that video is a song from Brandon Heath called "I'm Not Who I was" because, praise God!, I'm not the same girl I was 15, 10 or even 2 years ago.
If you have a blog I would encourage you to post your story, your "Salvation Story." I, for one, would love to read it! If you don't have a story but would like to start one with God as the author, please email me at tan.ross@yahoo.com. I would love for you to know the peace that the Lord has brought to my life.

Are You Captive?

"See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ." - Colossians 2:8

Hmmm, right? Where am I going with this one?
Lately I have been thinking about entertainment. What I watch, what I listen to, what I read, etc. What goes into my mind and subconscious, whether I'm intentionally and intensely paying attention to it or even just having it on for "background noise?"
I'm sure to offend some of you with the following thoughts, but I am just trying to make you think here.
We don't have television, which I know I have mentioned on here before. We use our computer to watch movies as well as shows that are online. The amount of tv we have watched has gone down drastically because of this. Then, by choice, it has dwindled even more. We have wrestled with ourselves and each other as we wade through this process of deciding what is good for us to watch and what we should cut out.
Thankfully, "Scrubs" is now done because I don't think I could continue watching that in good conscience and we only have one more season of "Lost" left (and that doesn't even start again until January 2010!) We could drop "House" and not have it make a difference but I don't know if Tim can give up "Fringe." He likes the sci-fi X-Files-ishness to it (did that make sense?) I, on the other hand, usually read while he watches it because it tends to leave me with bad dreams at times.
That leaves "Wipeout" which is just a summer show. A funny one at that, although I think it was better last year. This season people know about the different events ("the big balls", "the sweeper", etc.) and they WANT to do it still to conquer it.
How about them movies?
We don't watch them much anymore and they have to come recommended by certain people for us to see them.
I guess I'm becoming more challenged to be aware of what I'm taking in. I don't want to just sit on the couch at night and "veg out" to a show that contains half-naked girls, people sleeping around, sex jokes, drugs, alcohol is fun and other ideas that leave me feeling like I wasted a half-hour or more of my time.
I also am not big on reality shows anymore. Oh, there was a time when I was...until just a couple years ago. But now I can't stand the thought of "The Bachelor" or "The Bachelorette" and how pathetic these people look by thinking they're going to find their true love on a television show. I hate that on "American Idol" the producers pass the untalented people on through to the judges so that they can make entertainment out of it. I hate thinking what that does to the people who actually think they have some talent and they've been encouraged! And we all sit at home thinking, "Wow, they really thought they were good?!" Well, who can blame them for getting their hopes up if they've been encouraged on to another round.
And this whole "Jon & Kate Plus 8" drama...goodnight! Tim and I watched a few episodes this past year for the first time. I couldn't believe the way Kate treats Jon with such disrespect and as if he was one of the kids. I know that some of it can seem worse due to editing but, if you were watching your own show and didn't agree with the way you were portrayed, wouldn't you say something? Or stop doing the show? Which, in my opinion, is what they need to do. Stop the show. Focus on your marriage then your kids. It's not a hard decision if your priorities are straight. After earning up to $75,000 an episode for a 40 episode season for how many seasons now?, it seems like you would have some money saved up to be able to quit and find a normal job. She's a nurse. They're always in need in the medical field. And he needs to step up and start being a man. OK, so that's my rage on them.
On to the serious stuff.
I heard this said on Focus on the Family a couple weeks ago when they were doing the movie reviews (May 22, 2009.)

"I believe our Lord and Savior is not anti-entertainment, but He is very much anti- those types of entertainment that glamorize the very things that He died on the cross to save us from."

Do you think God is pleased with what you're watching on tv? I know He couldn't be with some of the shows Tim and I have watched over the past few years. When I look back, I'm ashamed of some of the things we've wasted time viewing.

Oh, but Andrea, you're being so "righteous"...so "holier than thou"...you're taking the Bible so literally.

Really?
This is from an interview with Francis Chan at the end of his book Crazy Love (which you really must read if you haven't...or at least watch or listen to one of his sermons on this website.)

Q: What do you tell people who say that you are taking the Bible too literally?
A: If someone told me that I took the Bible too literally, I would really get them to question their own heart. I would ask them if they really believed that we're not supposed to take it that literally, or if it's the influence of other believers who say we're not supposed to. I like to get people to think for themselves and not just go with the flow. When believers are alone with the Word, they come to the same conclusion that I do.
-p. 185, Crazy Love

I don't think the church in today's culture is challenging believers to discern what is in media. Instead, they are trying to find ways to tie in popular culture to their sermons and series to make the church more appealing to non-believers. They might show clips from movies that someone will then be intrigued by and so they want to see the whole thing. This can lead to the viewing of a movie that could contain images and ideas that are not beneficial to a believer.
I have so many more thoughts in my head that I am still trying to form into words or complete thoughts so I'll just end here.
Think about it, though. Really think about it. When you say, "Oh, I'm so addicted to such-and-such tv show and I could never actually give that up" are you actually being held captive by it? Is it drawing you closer into relationship with Christ or farther from?
Thoughts?