Two Years, Too Old

Two years ago I had the most difficult and painful day of my life.

Two years ago I had the most exhilirating and rewarding day of my life.

I gave birth on August 16, 2005.

Yesterday we celebrated Noah's second birthday. Where does the time go? I tried to give him a fun birthday, even though he didn't really understand the significance of the day at his age.

Throughout the day I would glance at the clock and think of what I was doing two years ago that moment. I woke up at 5:00 am to use the bathroom and thought, "Two years ago my parents and sister were arriving at our house in Grand Rapids. We were watching the morning news on WZZM13 and timing contractions."

Noah woke up at 7:30 and as I went to get home out of his crib I thought, "I was in triage waiting for a room to open."

I gave him a big hug as I lifted him from his crib and told him, "Happy birthday pumpkin!" Wow. Two years ago he had not even breathed from this world yet. Now he is such a big boy.

We had breakfast and got dressed. My sister and parents called to wish him a happy birthday.

I thought it would be fun to go to a little park not far from where we live to play. I put him in his stroller and pushed him down to the playground. It was a beautiful day and so far there had been no temper tantrums. Awesome.

I watched him run on the playground from one toy to the next. I looked at his chubby toddler thighs and thought of how skinny they were when he was born. I watched the way he climbed the stairs to the top of the slide and thought of how they used to flail about with no control when we unswaddled him.

I noticed that he still is as intense as he was when he was a newborn. His nurses in the hospital would comment on the way he seemed to be taking everything in, his serious little disposition. Just two weeks ago, when I picked him up from the nursery in church, the workers were commenting on how when he would inspect something, his brow would furrow and he would stare intensely at it.

My heart melted as I pushed him on the merry-go-round and he looked up at me and said "love you." I love you, too.

I have loved you since before you were born. I loved you when you were just a thought in my mind. I loved you more at every doctor's appointment when I heard your heartbeat and saw your little profile on the ultrasound machine. I loved every movement I felt inside me as you grew.

I loved you when I felt my first contraction that woke me at 1:30 am two years ago. I loved you with every push that brought you closer to entering the room with me, with every scream and thought of wanting to give up, yet knowing it was what I had to go through to see you.

I loved you when they placed you on my chest and I counted your tiny fingers and toes. I loved you as your dad sobbed harder than you and me together as he held you for the first time. Then came the day I looked at you and thought my heart was going to burst from the ache I felt of how much I loved you. No one could describe how strong this love would be.

Even with how much I loved you in those first moments and weeks, I love you even more today. I love the strong boy you have become. I love the laughter and joy you bring to our household. Even though they drive me crazy, I love the moments when you are stubborn because it shows you have a personality and are developing your independence. You are growing in every way possible. I love you, Noah, my two-year old. You are my blessing, my inheritance from the Lord.