Forgive Me

My dear Ezekiel,
Last night held a..."a moment" you could say. We haven't been to church since the beginning of December. Between your birth and traveling and people being sick and just overall transitioning, we decided to lay low for a few weeks. I stayed home yesterday morning with you and Caleb since he has an ear infection and has been having a rough time lately.
Last night, however, we did take an hour to go to the prayer meeting at church since they were focusing on praying over certain committees and Daddy is on one of them. In the time leading up to prayer, when some requests were being shared, you started squawking and squeaking and making all those adorable noises newborns make. Our pastor, who was sitting in the row in front of us, raised his hand and said, "Those noises you hear behind me come from one of our newest members, Ezekiel Ross. I find it fitting that his first time in church would be at prayer meeting tonight. It was a prayer meeting just months ago that his mom stood up and announced she was pregnant and scared. Now here he is and we're all happy to have him here."
It's true, Zeke. I stood up at a prayer meeting in the spring, the only other one we've been to, actually, and told them about how I felt when I found out I was pregnant this time. I was angry. Terrified. An emotional mess. I cried for days.
And the Lord met me in my emotional wreck. He used a devotional reading from the book, "Jesus Calling" to speak to my heart and remind me Who was - Who is - in control.
You see, Ezekiel, I don't feel I do the mothering thing well.
I am not who I thought I would be as a mom. My life is not what I thought it would be. I know now that is ok, but I am learning how to find joy in my present. You and Caleb were not in my plan.
That is why I am so surprised - so thankful - by the intensity of love I feel for both of you. I know you could read this one day and take it as me saying you weren't wanted.
Not true.
Although you were a surprise to me and Dad, although it was difficult for me to wrap my mind around having four children, although it meant a change of plans that we had set for ourselves...I cherished my pregnancy with you still. I gasped at those first flutterings when I felt you move inside me. I cried when I saw your heart beat on that fuzzy ultrasound monitor. I loved hearing the ultrasound technician tell us you were a boy.
When you look up and your eyes catch mine and they hold, my heart melts, Ezekiel. I wonder at times if I am going to break out in sobs the way my eyes tear up. It amazes me that a heart can hold so much love.
Love for Noah.
Love for Eleanor.
Love for Caleb.
Love for you.
How does the heart not divide in this way of love in order to be there for each one? Yes, time has to be divided. While the love is multiplied and abounds, time divides unfortunately. Noah had those special first years of parenthood from us. The learning years of devoted, undivided time. No one else will really have that.
It doesn't mean we love any of you less, however.
I can't imagine our life without you in it. Not yet 4 weeks on this earth and you have already made your place firmly in our family. I could hold you all day long if given the opportunity and not grow tired of being close to you. Your dad loves to snuggle up with you at the end of the day to relax. Your siblings always want to know where you are, what you're doing...yes, at times the novelty of a new brother has worn off...but they can't wait for you to grow bigger so they can play with you.
You are wonderful.
You are a gift...such a gift.
You are loved.
You have already been used by God to teach us so much and it is my prayer that one day you will open your heart to Him in order to be used for much more.

I love you with a part of my heart I didn't know existed until your birth~
Love,
Mom

Happy Birth Day!

He came on the day we prayed he wouldn't.
Two days past his due date, and having rejected the ideal days to be born, he made his appearance, just a reminder that babies will come when they want (unless they're a c-section or induction.) Ellie's first preschool Christmas program was on a Thursday morning so I had gone from asking people to pray her baby brother would be born on a certain day to asking them to pray that he wouldn't come until Thursday afternoon at the earliest.
He didn't get the memo.
On Wednesday, December 14th, I woke up at 1:30am. Just because. You know how it goes - you're pregnant, you have to wake up and pee every couple hours. Typically I fall quickly asleep again but not this time. Then, at 3:00am, just as I was starting to drift off to sleep finally, I felt a contraction. Quite a bit stronger than the ones I had been feeling over the past couple weeks.
11 minutes later another one.
9 minutes later another.
"Tim," I said quietly.
"Hmmmm?" he muttered sleepily.
"I think we're having a baby today."
"Ok."
7 minutes later another.
Then another.
"I'm going to start getting everything together," I told him.
"Why don't you lay down and rest?" he asked. "We're not supposed to go in until they're 5 minutes apart for an hour."
"Yeah," I countered. "That rule doesn't apply to people on their fourth delivery, when the past two labors were only four hours long and who have to drive forty minutes in to the hospital and who are already dilated to four centimeters. I'm getting up."
He was so laid back it was driving me crazy.
I finished packing the suitcases and went on to wake the kids up since the contractions had started being 5 minutes apart and it was now 4:00am. I called our friends who had offered to watch the kids and told them to meet us at the hospital. I called my mom and set up plans with her that my dad would still go in to work, she would still wait at home for the fuel gas people to come fill their tank (they had not had heat for 4 days before that) and they would come to Grand Rapids that evening to see us and pick up the kids.
Tim, during this time, was deciding to get the kids a snack and was still quite laid back.
I was still yelling out contractions and suddenly Tim snapped into reality.
"Quick! They're four minutes apart! Get in the car! Get the kids in the car! Do you have everything?"
After loading up our very excited and very awake children and the suitcases, we were off to GR. We pulled up to the hospital around 5:00am and he dropped me off at the ER entrance, then went to meet our friends and hand the kids off to them. I made my way in and was soon taken up to triage where they put me on the bed, declared me 6 cm dilated and strapped the monitors to me.
And that's when my labor started stalling.
I was moved up to a labor and delivery room and my contractions slowed to around 8 minutes apart and mild enough to not be bothersome. I started sleeping between them. My doctor broke my water and nothing progressed. I briefly walked the halls and bounced on the birthing ball with no success.
My doctor started Pitocin at 9:00am.
At 10:00 am I was still at a 6 with nothing happening. The nurse upped the Pitocin a bit and suggested I lay in a different position. Since I had felt his head down on the left side of my pelvic bone area for the end of the pregnancy, I decided to lay on my right side in hopes it would help him slide down.
And did it!
The contractions immediately started coming 2-3 minutes apart and after a couple, I called my nurse back in. She checked me and said I was at a 7. I called her back in a few minutes later and said I felt LOTS of pressure and that I felt like I had to go to the bathroom. She said that was good, that it was the baby moving down.
I told her she had better check me again. She seemed a little hesitant since she had just been in there to check but did it anyways.
I was 9 cm.
She called my doctor in and he checked me and said it was time to push.
After about 15-20 minutes of pushing - which I could have shortened because I knew I wasn't pushing the right way but I was stalling it then, I could remember the pain from pushing Caleb out, the "ring of fire" if you will, and just really, REALLY didn't want to feel it again - when my doctor said, "I can see his head. I see hair."
"Dark hair?" I asked.
"Dark hair."
"Lots of it?" I asked with hope.
"I see the top of a head with lots of dark hair," he confirmed.
And with that, my baby came out with the next push.
After 8 hours since my first contraction, with only 3 of those hours actually feeling like I was in labor and 5 hours being stalled, we welcomed our fourth baby - third son - into the world at 11:05am.
Ezekiel Nelson Ross
Ezekiel means "Strength of God" and we picked it because we were knew we were going to need God's strength to enter a season of life we never expected by having four children.
Nelson is my maiden name. My parents only had two girls and so it's a way for me to honor my dad and pass on his last name.
His nickname is Zeke.
He has been an added surprise into our journey and less than a month ago we welcomed him with love.

Early Mornings and Waiting

Well, am I an inconsistent blogger or what?
November 22nd - 2 days until Thanksgiving. 20 days until my due date.
I started nesting over the weekend. Things that were on my to-do list for this week just couldn't wait any longer in my mind by the time last Saturday rolled around. The baby clothes were sorted by size, washed, dried and put away. Tim found me in our bedroom emptying books off a tall bookshelf that I suddenly decided was to be moved to a different area of the room. Thankfully, he found me before the bookshelf had been moved so he could do that part himself. I'm a bit stubborn and when I start rearranging I tend to forget the restrictions...or maybe ignore them, I'm not sure.
The bassinet has been set up in the little area that was cleared by moving the bookshelf. The changing table area on top our dresser is ready and waiting for a baby. Although I need to find the changing pad. Or buy a new one if I gave the other away. Hmmm. That's on the to-do list for today.
To-do lists. One to be done today: Clean bathroom. Change sheets on beds. Pick up house before small group tonight. Finish reading the chapter to be discussed for small group.
There's the brief Thanksgiving one to be done tomorrow before heading to my parents' house: pack an overnight bag and bake an apple pie.
There's the homemade Christmas gifts one: make superhero capes for the kids. Make a blanket for Caleb. Tim - make dress up clothes station for Ellie.
I still have to pack my hospital bag.
And work: research and write grants.
To-do lists to be accomplished while waiting. And waiting. And waiting. I know these last weeks are going to fly by and yet sometimes I think they are the hardest. The discomfort has set in.
Waking up every 2 hours at night to go to the bathroom and roll over to sleep on my other side. Waking up at 5:00 every morning and not being able to fall back asleep. Although, I'd rather wake up at 5:00 am than 4:00 am, which is what was happening for awhile. I like these quiet morning hours with everyone else asleep. It allows for time to do different things: catch up on Pinterest, read, have my quiet/devotional time, work.
The early mornings are also making me excited for when this little one decides to join the family. I love looking around the living room and picturing it decorated for Christmas. The tree in the corner with twinkling lights, stockings hung on our "mantle", the peaceful quiet in the early morning hours all snuggled up in a blanket with a warm cup of chai or tea or hot chocolate. I'm looking forward to feeding and snuggling a tiny body against mine in this room in the hours where it is just him and I.
And so I wait...patiently...impatiently...it goes back and forth. We can't wait to meet him. There is the anticipation of finding out what he looks like, who he looks like. Each of the kids has had different color hair. Will he be a surprise red head or will he resemble one of the others? What hair Noah had was so blond that he looked bald. Eleanor was, and is, strawberry blond. Caleb's looked dark but is auburn, hints of red running through brown. Will he be long or short? Chubby or thin? Oh, the waiting.
I can't wait to enjoy my winter early mornings with him.

It Goes Both Ways

Recently I have been hearing about many marriages that are breaking up or separating or just listening to wives who are frustrated with their husbands. It makes me sad because I can't relate. I don't have a perfect marriage but I am pretty darn blessed. I am able to open my eyes in the morning, look over at Tim and wonder how it's possible to be more in love now than when we got married just over 8 years ago.
Then I realized something that really makes a difference in our marriage: we empathize with each other, not just sympathize, but really feel and relate to what the other is experiencing. For instance:
I got the kids settled with their lunches today. Before starting mine, I decided to clean up the mess on the counter I had made while making theirs, thinking about what time I should start dinner for tonight so that we could be done eating in enough time to get to Tim's soccer game. Then I realized I needed to switch the laundry over. While I wrestled carrying a load of laundry from the dryer to the bed, where I would need to think about folding it at some point today, Noah asked if I could get him more water. At this point, I thought about how I could have almost snapped. Here I am caring for my family's physical needs (eating), social calendar (soccer) and home management (laundry.) That's a lot to juggle all at the same moment in time. I can see why we women get overwhelmed!
I know husbands who still have the idea in their heads that the wife should be following the same format from the '50s, where dinner is ready when they get home, the kids are clean, the wife is showered and dressed to impress, and the house is spotless and quiet. Ha! Gone are those days, men. Accept it. Life is different 60 years later.
Thankfully, Tim gets this. What helped him was when he had to experience it for a few days last fall during my "busy season" of work, and he didn't even have to experience it to the max. All he had to do was be a stay-at-home dad for a few days, but I still planned out meals ahead of time - either in the crock pot or having a casserole ready to pop in the oven - dropped Noah off at school and planned for my work day on top of it. By the second day of experiencing a week in my shoes, he was begging to go to Meijer and run errands when I got home at the end of the day. He understood the importance of needing a break and needing to get out of the house for a couple hours!
But it goes both ways. I have also learned about Tim and his work. I realize that when he gets home, it doesn't help him if I start nagging as soon as he comes through the door. He is a painter and physically exhausted when he is done with the day. I really came to realize this when we started working on projects together and I would have to paint. My arms grew tired quickly! Then I realized he does it for 8-10 hours a day! Sometimes he's painting ceilings or sanding or staining or doing all sorts of different things. I have to put myself in his daily shoes to see what he's experiencing to appreciate what he does to provide for our family.
I wonder how many people do that. Maybe more wives need to experience what their husband is doing for them to appreciate it rather than growing jealous that he gets to "get out of the house" every day. Maybe more husbands need a couple days with the kids - without help from surrounding family - to appreciate their wives and loosen their expectations of what one can accomplish in a day.
I am thankful for my husband. So thankful. I love the home we have created and the path we are walking on through life. It's not always fun, but I know we'll try to relate to each other as we go through it together.

Another Bonus!

A bonus baby that is!
We are expecting a son (3 boys and 1 girl in our family- who would have ever thought!) in December.
We were a bit...shocked. Especially since we had just reached a decision that Tim would undergo "the procedure." I even played an April Fool's joke on my dad where I called and said, "Hey, Dad, you know how every time I run a 5K I end up pregnant?" (This happened when I found out I was pregnant with Caleb.) He laughed and I laughed and we wished each other a happy April Fool's Day.
The joke is always on me it seems.
3 days later, while we were on vacation, I got my purse calendar out to look at an upcoming date. That's when I counted.
And counted.
And counted again.
Then I asked Tim to go to Target and get me a test.
He did and within seconds there were 2 very clear lines.
After making it through the rest of our vacation, I came home and cried for a week straight. Oh, to feel such anger was beyond me. I struggled with emotions I had not deal with before, even when I found out I was pregnant with Caleb.
It felt like the opposite of the infertile couple's anger. Instead of, "Why, Lord, can others get pregnant but not me?" it became "Why, Lord, are you giving me another baby when there are people out there who really want one?"
Then God humbled me.
He always seems to do that well.
He spoke to me during my quiet time in the devotional I was reading. (Ever read Jesus Calling?
You should.) He reminded me that my plans are not His and that His are far better.
So I began to rest in His peace.
We are excited. Tim and the kids always were. Tim always adjusts quicker than me.
And a boy!
Goodness, we had a girl name picked out but couldn't settle on a boy's. We still can't! Although there are a couple front-runners finally.
Another bonus baby...

Blogging Hiatus Reason #1

Last summer I (kind of unknowingly) interviewed for a position I was interested in. I say "unknowingly" because I thought I was dropping off some bins and boxes to the program's executive director and ended up going inside her house (again, I thought to catch up on life real quick and ask a couple questions about the job) and found myself in a laid-back interview. Laid-back as in on her couch with me wearing holey-knee jeans. Yikes.
Moral of the story: Always look nice when going to important people's houses. Even if you think you're just dropping something off.
Soon after she called to offer me the position and I accepted it. For almost a year now I have been the Program Director for STATS (Straight Talk About Tough Stuff.) I had been volunteering as a team leader with this program for the 2 years prior. It is sponsored by a local hospital and what ends up happening is that 48 high school students are selected after an interview process. Those kids are split up into 6 teams of 8 (4 boys, 4 girls.) They come up with about an hour long presentation over the next few weeks using skits, songs, personal talks, etc. to present the message of abstinence from drugs, sex, alcohol and tobacco to the middle schools in Muskegon County. Each year we hit 12-13 middle schools and see 2,000+ kids.
The job is part-time and I am able to do the bulk of it from home. The fall (beginning of the school year especially) is my "busy season" as we are interviewing and selecting students, organizing teams, doing a full-day retreat and another mini-retreat and a ton of other things. I work in the morning for a couple hours, during the kids' nap time and, if needed, after they go to bed. You can see why this would take away from blogging time. However, my position is active during the school months and not summer, which gives me more time to do things I haven't had time to during the year. It also doesn't stop me from researching a bit or being aware of articles, documentaries, etc. and spending a bit of time here and there researching, but I don't feel the pressure as much now.
This program is something I am passionate about and you may (or may not) wonder why a program like this is important. If you have time, please read any of the following links:

The Underage Drinking Epidemic (Parade magazine article from 6/12/11)
Teen Marijuana Use on the Rise (Report from ABC World News 12/14/10)
Oral Sex is the New Goodnight Kiss (an alarming but necessary read for parents)
Tobacco Use Among Teens is Dangerously High (ABC News report)

It is more effective to have high school students talking to middle school students about these topics which is what makes this program important. I still continue to be shocked when I walk into a 7th-grade class to watch a presentation and see a pregnant girl sitting in the room. I am sad when I think about my young cousins, some underage, some newly-21 (but who have been drinking for a long time already) who are already alcoholics. Their Facebook statuses read over and over about being wasted or drinking or not being able to remember the events of the night before.
I think there are those in our society today who just don't think anything is going to work. Kids will be kids; they're dumb and naive; they don't stand a chance with their background; and on and on the excuses go. So they just turn a blind eye and tell themselves, while if they're going to drink or smoke or whatever, then I'll have them do it under my watch so that they're safe. Since they're going to sex, I'll just give them a condom or put them on birth control.
These kids are not safe.
They are young and they are a danger to themselves and those around them. Most teens who drink had their first taste of alcohol given to them by a family member.
I can't sit and do nothing when I have a voice.
So I will speak.

Peace

I am sitting outside tonight on the rocker bench my dad made me. My head is resting against a pillow that I covered with a cheerful fabric that I could stare at all day. We have returned from an open house and my belly is filled too much with good food to the point where I am regretting that last-minute helping of spinach artichoke dip. But it looked so good...and it tasted even better.
The Pandora app on my phone is filling the air with music from The Wailin' Jennys station and I close my eyes. After a cloudy rainy morning, the sun burst out this afternoon and its summer evening rays are falling on my face. They feel warm until the wind blows and then a chill gently bites down to my bones. It is as if the weather is temperamental tonight - hormonal, menopausal - to where you want to put on a sweatshirt one minute and take it back off the next.
I don't mind. As the wind blows, my spirit soars. My heart is filled with joy. I am rest-filled, God-filled, at this moment. Earlier I was going into an uncertain situation and on the drive there I prayed over and over for peace and a calm to come over my anxious heart and mind.
Peace was delivered.
God is good.
His Peace passes understanding.
I have faith that He provides it no matter what, but it is up to us to grasp it, to let go of our fears and insecurities and hold to Him for dear life.
He is faithful, even when we doubt.
I have learned this lesson from Him already and I was able to go into this evening truly believing He would bring me peace. Because He does not go back on His promises.
I have not blogged in 6 months. And before that, I blogged only a couple times in the few months. There are reasons for that. They are not for tonight, though. Thankfully, with the arrival of summer I will be able to finally release all the words that have been inside me. The thoughts and stories. The updates and pictures of our family.
Not tonight, though.
Tonight is to be thankful for His peace.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." -John 14:27

O Christmas Card, O Christmas Card...

One of the things I love about the Christmas season is going to my mailbox and finding something in it besides junk mail and bills - Christmas cards!! (Who doesn't love finding fun mail waiting for them?)
We're going to use Shutterfly this year for Christmas cards. I have used them in the past for birth announcements and Christmas cards and have never been disappointed. The quality is great and there are many options.
Originally, I was going to do photo cards for our family and also for my STATS students, but with battling pinkeye for as long as I have along with not having everyone healthy at one time to do a family photo...I think I'll be doing them for just my STATS students this year.
Because they are a fun group of kids, I want a Christmas card that reflects that, so I'm thinking along the lines of something like this:

or this:

Actually, the card above would be a great option if we decided to do a photo card using just pictures of the kids. By the way, since I haven't updated in a long time, here are some recent pictures of the kiddos:

Decisions, decisions...
Check out their other Christmas card options!
If you're looking for a fun gift for someone, you could always do a photo calendar.
I have always wanted to make one...maybe this will be my year.
Now to go make some choices!

Little Realizations

I finished feeding Caleb tonight and still found him to be quite fussy. He has been fighting a cold lately and I think may even be coming down with pinkeye, thanks to his older brother sharing it so generously with him. He fussed and cried as I started changing his diaper and, I'm not sure what compelled me to do this, but after taking off his clothes and leaving him in just his diaper, I held him up against me rather than continuing to change him. He seemed to calm down briefly before starting up again. The kangaroo care idea (skin-to-skin contact) came to mind and soon I was snuggled up against him with a blanket over the two of us for warmth.
Mere seconds after holding him against my skin, he had quieted down and just minutes later he was sound asleep in my arms. Tim was putting Noah and Eleanor to bed so I just stayed there with Caleb and began inspecting him.
The first thing I always notice is his hair. It is dark like mine and there is much of it but with a double-cowlick that points to Tim. I took the time to notice his little nose and ears and mouth with the bottom lip he likes to suck in. I began to think about how this little person is made up of mine and Tim's genes. We helped in creating this tiny body that was snuggled against mine! I know that this is obvious (hello, Biology class) but not very often do I really take the time to think about how amazing that thought is.
I traced my finger along the knuckles on his fingers and then on to the tiny folds in his wrist where his hand connects to his forearm. Smooth, soft and somewhat pudgy baby skin invited my finger to run its way up to his elbow and back down to his knuckles. I thought of how blessed I am and then a scary thought came to my mind.
I hadn't wanted him.
After Eleanor was born, Tim and I wanted to be done having kids. Two was good for us and we have our first baby in Heaven, so, actually, three was good for us.
Then God worked His plans which are usually so opposite of what we plan.
I remember my reaction to finding out I was pregnant again. The screaming and crying and fear that set the tone for a couple days until reality started to sink in is something I won't lie about, although I don't like that it was my reaction.
Then he was born and I remember how deeply and quickly I fell in love with this small bundle, this Caleb James. This love for him surpassed any fear I may have had about raising three children on earth.
I thought tonight about how full my arms felt there with him settled in to them and then started to think about the arms of other women.
The aching arms of the woman who desperately wants, but cannot have, a baby to find his or her home in them by way of her own body.
The lonely arms of the woman who chose the difficult route of adoption or abortion. The arms that feel as if they're missing what the womb had provided but not made the connection on.
The open arms of the woman who embraces a child not born of her body but into her love.
Then I realized that a couple thousand years ago there was a woman whose arms were also full as she cradled a tiny baby who came with a big purpose. I could hear music in our kitchen, the Christmas playlist shuffling around in albums to bring us a variety of songs. Interestingly enough, at that moment, the song "Mary, Did You Know?" started playing.
Did you know, Mary?
What was that night like? What thoughts went through her head as her tired arms wrapped themselves around Jesus - our Savior?
I can imagine that she would have first responded as any mother who has just given birth does - counting his tiny fingers and toes. Her hand gently smoothing over the top of his head as she took in how much or little hair he had. I wouldn't be surprised if her fingers traced the outline of his lips, his eyes and the bridge of his nose. The way she must have brought him close to her own nose to breath in his newborn scent.
I pondered all these things as I watched Caleb's mouth spit out his binky and work his lips into a pout before sucking in his lower lip and bringing it out again. His fingers stretched out against my skin and then curled in again to a little fist. From the kitchen I could hear "Silent Night" start to play.
I have heard people joke that the song isn't accurate - that it couldn't have been a silent night with the screams of childbirth, a baby's wail and the noises of surrounding animals in the stable.
In the time I was examining Caleb and marveling in the wonder of life, I also know that life was continuing around me. I could hear Noah upstairs in his room. I could hear Eleanor trying to fight bedtime. I could hear Tim lecturing both of them on how it was time for them to stay in their rooms and go to sleep. I could hear the music from the kitchen.
Yet as I looked at Caleb, there was also a silence. It was reminiscent of the first time parents see their child. There is activity all around them. Lights and people and sounds and doors and so much more. There seems to be a bubble around the small family, though. As the child's eyes lock into his parents', time stands still for a moment. Everything else fades away. There is a silence and awe.
A silent night, perhaps, as Mary locked eyes with Jesus.
I am far from a theologian but I am a mother. I cannot tell you all the facts and theories that surround the details of that night but I think I can relate, as a woman and mother, to how Mary must have felt that night as she cradled Jesus close to her for the first time. Her arms were full as she held the One Who adopts us into His family.
What a beautiful picture.
What a silent night.

Sticks and Stumps

I have been blessed to have many women in my life at different times. Some have come, developed close relationship and moved on with the different paths of life. Some were more temporary, some have been there since the awkward time of adolescence and have grown more distant as we have become older although they are still there. And some...well, some are like Sticks and Stumps.
When I arrived at Cornerstone University in the fall of 1999, I knew only two other people and they were both older than me and living in a different dorm. I had fun meeting new people and making friends and that is when I got to know Sticks and Stumps.
We were roommates the following year along with two other girls. We had some great times and I believe that's when the "Sticks" and "Stumps" nicknames were formed. It's also the year we each started dating the men who would become our husbands.
We haven't always been close. Sometimes life happens and gets busy.
Yet we always seem to find our way back to each other, which is where we are now again, yet this time is different. We're older, more mature...we're wives and moms. We're almost 30 - yikes! =)
There is a memory cemented in my mind that really demonstrates what wonderful friends they are. Tim and I miscarried our first pregnancy in September 2003. We went in for our 12-week appointment on a Thursday, only to find out there was no heartbeat and we had most likely lost the baby within the two weeks beforehand and my body had not realized it yet. Because my body was taking so long to start the process and we were leaving in a week to go to California for a conference, we chose to have a D & C. This way, while out in California, if I started miscarrying and had problems, I wouldn't be across the country from my doctor. The D & C was performed two days later, on Saturday morning.
My parents came that morning, our pastor and his wife stopped by in the afternoon, and then that evening Sticks and her husband brought us dinner. Stumps and her husband had been in town for something unrelated but stopped by as well. The six of us had dinner together and spent the rest of the evening visiting.
The best part was that they didn't expect anything of us. They didn't tell us how to grieve or give suggestions. They didn't make us talk about it or try to guide the conversation in any direction. They just let us guide them through the night.
By the time they all got to our house, Tim and I had cried enough tears over the previous two days to fill an ocean. We just wanted to laugh and enjoy our time with friends. We were exhausted and they were a breath of fresh air for us. Later that evening, in mine and Tim's timing, we did end up opening up about the experience and talking about it and there were more tears. It was a beautiful evening for us and it was what we needed.
In the six years since then, they both joined me in the painful experience of miscarrying their own pregnancies at some point. We also have gone on to have (almost) 8 children between us. We have developed a yearly "girls night/weekend" and it is a very cherished time. It usually goes quickly before we are back to the daily grind of taking care of our families, but it is enough time to recharge and encourage each other as we walk through this wife/mother journey together.
I love these girls dearly. No matter what other friendships I have developed over the years, these two have a very special place in my life. I know I can call them and they will be there for me. I know they will pray when they say they will, it's not just an empty phrase with them. I know we will celebrate joyous occasions together. I thank God for them.
There is a Sara Groves song from her album, "Fireflies and Songs" that speaks of friendship. When I first heard it, I thought of Sticks and Stumps.



As I said, I have been blessed with many different friends and I don't want to play favorites here but I think what sets these two apart is that we basically, in a sense, "grew up" together. We went from the awkward phase of the teenage years, entering college and figuring out what to do with life, to actually living life out together - not geographically, unfortunately, but through phone calls, emails, letters and cards, visits and through the bonds that have kept us close.
I love you, girls!! Thank you for blessing my life in many ways!

The Battle of Beauty

I battle many things:
My kids when they want their own way.
My husband when we don't see eye to eye.
My parents when they don't agree with our parenting.
The customer service rep who may be wrong when I'm trying to correct a situation or bill.
Those are not daily battles but occasional ones.
There is one battle that I do fight daily, though. Multiple times throughout the day, even. I hate warring with this person because I know her so well and am hardest on her.
Me.
Mainly, my reflection.
For years I have struggled with low self-esteem and image. In junior high I had thick eyebrows and noticeable upper lip hair. Thankfully, my mom became an aesthetician while I was in high school and I now have my eyebrows and upper lip waxed (I'm not ashamed to admit it anymore.)
In high school, I was tall and thin with horrible posture (still suffer the bad posture.) I had a body built like a boy's with no curves. I was so thin that I had to gain weight just to donate blood when I turned 18. I wasn't healthy or athletic; I just had genes that allowed me to eat what I wanted and not gain weight. I also was a busy person between school and work and extracurricular school activities.
Then I went to college and quickly (as in first semester) put on about 10 pounds. I didn't go to a party school, though, and it wasn't weight from alcohol. It was the freedom of finding I could eat whatever I wanted because Mom wasn't there. Pop-Tarts for a quick dinner in the dorm room? Oh, yeah. College cafeteria food? Bring it on with ranch dressing. Dessert for lunch and dinner? I'll take 2 of those chocolate chip cookies with some ice cream in the middle, thank you.
I lost most of the weight a few years later when I realized I was going to be walking down an aisle in front of lots of people in my dream dress. We went on a cruise for our honeymoon and I think it came back on during that week.
I can remember a friend commenting to me once, before I was even pregnant with Noah, about how I had a little roll that hadn't been there before. Maybe that's what really started drawing my attention to my self-image as my esteem rolled away. I thought, If I can't hide it with clothes, I must really be looking chunky.
The thing is, though, I love to eat. And I hate to exercise. This is a not-so-good combination as you can see.
It also doesn't help that I have a husband who loves me no matter what size I am and also admitted to me recently that he likes the fact I'm curvier now than before I had kids. Where's the motivation to lose weight when your love handles become lovable? (Please don't misunderstand, though, I would never want to suffer the emotional abuse some women suffer from their husbands because of weight gain.)
I, on the other hand, am hard on myself and don't love or even like the love handles. I can't accept that the pudge around the belly. Yet at the same time, I know that I'm not at an unhealthy weight. I'm still within the range for healthy for my height, it's just not the weight I want to be at.
Because for some reason there is something in me that just won't give it up.
Obviously, I know this comes down to be a sin issue. It is made up of so many components. Part of it comes down to self-discipline. Why eat 1 Milano cookie when you can eat 5 in the cute little paper holder they rest on in the bag? Or the whole bag?
I think food is an idol for me. Emotional eater? I am. Happy? Celebrate with food. Sad? Grieve with food. Frustrated? Clean the kitchen. OK, so I guess I'm not actually eating during that one. Although I wouldn't be surprised if I end up hungry after cleaning the kitchen. Where I should be going first to the Lord in prayer, I go to the cabinet.
I can even admit these things - so why is it so hard to change?
I have beautiful friends. I feel frumpy. (That could partly be due to lack of fashion sense, though.) Some are thin and willowy even after having multiple children. My sister-in-law is a stick. I try to tell myself it's because she runs more miles than I drive in a week. That part about the distance probably isn't entirely true, but she does run and exercise consistently. Naturally, that would help with weight loss and maintenance.
I have been so hard on myself that I was in tears, sobbing, recently after Tim commented to me that I looked beautiful that day. It was like a dam burst open and I just couldn't accept what he was saying even though it wasn't something he hadn't said before. I think it just hit me on a different note that day. Have you ever truly felt a war in your mind? At that moment I felt these two opposing forces smacking into each other and it was like truth was trying to break free and I wouldn't unlock the cage. That's when I really realized my problem was more serious than I wanted to accept.
We have a large oval mirror in the bathroom. I asked Tim if he minded if I wrote Scripture on it with a dry-erase marker, to which he, of course, agreed. Now when I look in the mirror I am greeted with Provers 31:30:

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

You see, I don't want my motivation to exercise to be losing weight to fit a certain size. I want it to be a way for me to be healthy. That goes for wise food choices as well. If I feel like junk after eating certain sweets, then I should take that into consideration and not eat it again. If I feel good after eating something healthy, I need to remember that.
I always feel good after exercising. I hate when I am in the moment, but I love the adrenaline rush and energy that comes later. I love feeling like I accomplished something good for me.
I don't want to spend a long time in front of the bathroom mirror preparing myself for the day. And, honestly, I don't do that now. My routine, shower included, is about half an hour if that means I'm actually doing my hair and make-up. I don't wear much make-up beyond mascara, concealer and occasionally eye shadow so it doesn't take me long.
I want that reminder, though, when I stop in the bathroom, of where true beauty lies. I need that reminder. It's too easy for me to turn sideways in the mirror and suck in my gut to see what I could look like.
The other thing I have been surprised, pleasantly, with is that the kids always ask us what the writing on the mirror says when we are in there with them brushing our teeth or washing hands or giving them baths. So Tim and I read it to them repeatedly every day to the point where I think Noah is starting to memorize it. I realized that this is something important for them to hear, especially Ellie, who - as a girl who will grow into a woman - will probably struggle with herself one day. If she is getting this reminded to her starting at the age of 2 years old, maybe she'll be more confident in herself at twelve or twenty-two or thirty than I am. It also can be a lesson for Noah on what to look for one day in a future wife.
I fight my battle every day. However, I have found my Sword and am starting to pick at the lock on the cage to set the beauty truth free.

Catch Up!

I cannot even believe how quickly this summer is going by. It may as well be the end of August.
I am trying to play catch up with lots of things - my last load of laundry is in the washing machine - I actually have an empty laundry hamper (at least until Tim gets home from work!) I am blogging for the first time in what feels like forever. I finally ordered Caleb's birth announcements today. In my defense on that one, there were 2 great photo card deals going on from 2 different websites so I was able to get all the announcements for free (besides shipping and handling.) So I could just say that I was waiting for a deal to come along...but in reality I just didn't do it until now. Oh, well, so he's 3 1/2 months old. People are going to get an updated photo on their card.
Anyways, our summer has been enjoyable. Tim built this on Memorial Day:

We were introduced to a website called Knock-Off Wood and have a line of projects we would love to make. It's an awesome site. Seriously, check it out. Anyways, a perk to him being a painter is that when he is working on a new construction home, he can do a bit of "dumpster diving" or just nicely ask the carpenters for scrap wood. That's what he did here and he scored some beautiful African Teak. It turned out to be a free project! The kids are loving it and it helps for when another family is over and we are able to have more seating room.
The garden also was a Memorial Day project. Earlier this week we were able to enjoy the first of what has come in - peas, green beans and a few cherry tomatoes.

We have only been to our little beach once so far but have plans to go again soon and are looking forward to that.
We had a really fun family day last month. It was one of those days that, as a mom, you need in order to be able to make all the rough days worth it. Tim was working at a job site almost 2 hours away and so during the week he would work 3 really long days where the kids wouldn't see him at all and then take 2 days off completely. On one of those off days we didn't have or make any plans and just kind of did whatever came up. The morning started with a yummy breakfast and then mid-morning I went for a run. On my way back it became much warmer than when I first started and I was praying that someone would have a lawn sprinkler turned on and aiming at the sidewalk. Little did I know the house with the sprinkler would be my own! Featuring not so much a lawn sprinkler, but a Go! Diego Go! one in the front yard with this delightful scene taking place:
The kids had such a blast, as did Tim and I, running through it.
Isn't he a handsome little man? All set to go in to the Young-5 program this year. We're definitely holding off on kindergarten until next year. I can't believe how much they expect from the kids in kindergarten!
The day ended like this:
I think what made it so memorable for us is that it was relaxing, we were all together and, quite possibly for the first time ever, no one fought with each other.
We went camping over Father's Day weekend. Our church did a Family Camp Weekend at Kibby Creek Campground near Ludington. I'm so thankful it wasn't far from home because we got up there, set up our tent, went to change the kids into their swimsuits and realized the suitcase with all the kids' clothes in it was at home still! So back home Caleb and I went to retrieve it. That night was a complete disaster between being extremely cold and only having a sheet (thankfully, we had blankets shared with us the second night) and Ellie's night terrors (which she gets when she's overtired and, naturally, she didn't nap in a tent.) One of the days we were up there we went in to Ludington with another couple and walked the pier. When we got home Sunday, we had lunch, took naps and then Tim wanted to go Miniature golfing and to Logan's for his Father's Day dinner.

Ellie loves playing dress up. For her birthday, our friends Justin and Carrie got her a fun little set with all sorts of girlie stuff. She loves it.

Whenever she dresses up, Noah feels the need to put on his armor.

Tim and I took Noah to see his first movie theater movie. We saw "Toy Story 3." He thought it was great, though a bit scary at the end. He ended up in Tim's lap, but didn't scream like the poor boy in front of us and some of the kids around us. We stayed the weekend at my parent's house so they could watch Ellie and Caleb while we went and then we could spend the rest of the weekend visiting them. While we were there, they found a jeep at a garage sale. The kids are enjoying it when we stop there.


We took a vacation last week. We started off in Ohio for the 4th of July weekend.

Caleb's first time meeting Papa Ross as well as his first fireworks.
We then traveled to Tennessee to visit Tim's sister and her family. Our old baby-sitters, Megan and Jenny, are working at the Christian camp down there, Doe River Gorge, this summer and we had a lot of opportunities to visit with them. We loved seeing them, it was like a bonus added on to an already great trip! My sister-in-law and her husband have bought some beautiful property that they want to farm and build a house on and they took us out to see it one night. It was breathtaking!! I was pretty much ready to pack my bags and move down there.
It was a great vacation, although by the end of it the kids felt like this:
Two days of driving to get somewhere will do that to you.

Caleb continues to grow quicker than we can keep up with. He has managed to just fit right into our family and we are continually amazed by him. He sleeps through the night, nursing is going great, he is the most laid-back of all our kids and he smiles and laughs non-stop!
Except for maybe an occasional serious face.

And right now he's obsessed with putting his fingers in his mouth and sucking his lower lip in.

How's that for an exhausting catch up?? For those of you who stayed through this - thanks!!
If you want something else to read now, click on the links on the side for our friends Jeana and Matt. They're moving to Rwanda on August 2nd! While we will miss them, we're so excited for them!

Listening to...

Wow, it's been a month since I've blogged! I have many things in my head I want to empty out on here and pictures to show off of our kiddos, but today is not going to be that day. Instead, I just wanted to share some of the albums getting the most play in our house. The iPod probably wants to play something different but for now we are digging these. Check them out!
For Mother's Day Tim bought me JJ Heller's CD, "Painted Red." You may have heard this song:



The entire CD is great, but there are a couple songs that really get me. This being one:



Deas Vail is a newer group. Their sound reminds us a little of Death Cab for Cutie. We are enjoying their CD, "Birds & Cages" very much.





Tim can't stop listening to Owl City's album "Ocean Eyes." The kids and I just bought it for him for Father's Day. This is the kids' favorite song to sing and dance to:



I like this one:



For our anniversary, Tim surprised me with "Crazy Love" - Michael Buble's newer one. You may have heard this one on the radio:



But I LOVE this one. It sounds so James Bond theme-ish!



And lastly, but certainly with no less play time than the rest, is Relient K's newer one, "Forget and Not Slow Down." Tim and I are in agreement that this is our favorite Relient K album. And, you may (or may not) have noticed that 2 of the songs above - one of Deas Vail's and one of Owl City's - feature Relient K's lead singer, Matt Thiessen. He seems to be popping up on a lot of albums lately!





Anyone else have music to suggest?

No 7 Year Itch Here!

May 24, 2003


By the numbers for Tim and I in our marriage:
24 - of May 2003 was our wedding day.
7 - number of years we've been married
4 - pregnancies
3 - births
4 - times we've moved
2 - dogs we've owned
4 - vehicles we've owned
2 - houses we've owned (or pay mortgage on, I guess technically the bank owns it still)
2 - passing of grandparents (one mine, one his)
1 - passing of great-grandparent (mine)
2 - marriage conferences
2 - counselors I've seen (one after the miscarriage, one for dealing with a past issue)
6 - number of years Tim has been painting
220,000+ - miles on each of our vans (there are two)
4 - times we've flown places together.
6 - numbers of weddings in which one of us has served in the bridal party

There have been countless arguments, vacations, friends, life changes, weddings attended, dates and days of joy.

When you're a little girl, you dream of growing up and getting married to a prince and living in a castle.
Then you grow older and find out princes are hard to come by in America, so you settle for the dream of marrying a doctor, being rich and living in a big and beautiful home.
Then you find the man of your dreams and realize he wants to be a youth pastor.
Then he spends some time being a painter after you've been married for not even a year. He interns at a church and finds out it is not what he wants to do. But he loves painting and home restoration. He quits college after four and a half years of studying youth ministry and you settle into an even lower income than a youth pastor.
I realized along the way that my childhood dreams did not come true. My teenage dreams did not come true. Even the dreams I had as a young married woman did not come true.
Yet I would have missed out on so much if they had. So many lessons learned along the way that could only be learned by going through the circumstances we did. Our marriage being strengthened in ways that would not have been possible if things went the way I dreamed them to.
If things went the way we planned them to we would have missed out on Caleb.
We would have missed out on moving over to the lakeshore which would have missed many friendships.
We would still be weak and lukewarm Christians, not ever taking leaps of faith or strengthening our trust in the Lord.
I have loved every minute of our 7 years together because it has brought us to where we are now. I know we still have a lot of growing to continue to do, too, and I wouldn't want to do it with anyone but Tim.

Early May 2010

Guess Which Stage We've Entered...

While heading from the house to the van to take Noah to preschool this morning, the kids found a toad on the side of the driveway. When Ellie, Caleb and I left again to go pick Noah up, the toad was gone. The following transpired:
Ellie: Where toad?
Me: He's not there anymore.
Ellie: Why?
Me: Maybe he went home.
Ellie: Why?
Me: Maybe he wanted to take a nap.
Ellie: Why?
Me: Maybe he was tired from jumping around.
Ellie: Why?
Me: Hey, look, is that a tree over there?
Ellie (excitedly): Oooooh!! A tree!!

Thank God for when they're easily distracted.

Gardens Trip

There is a place in Grand Rapids called Frederik Meijer Gardens. It is beautiful and fun to visit. Tim and I had our wedding reception there. We thought since the majority of our guests were coming from out of town, it would be nice to have something fun for them to do while they were in town. Unfortunately, it rained all day and was cold so, while most enjoyed the indoor gardens, the outdoors was not quite as inviting. Theynow have a section for kids, too, making it enjoyable for everyone. We took a trip there Monday night. Our membership to the Children's Museum can be used at the Gardens this month so we wanted to take advantage of it.
Noah climbed a rock. Tim let him. The sign on the left side of the picture says "Do not climb this rock" with an arrow pointing to it. Tim said he did not see the sign. I think he was just being a dad. =)
Ellie loved this frog.
The fun little gate for the kids to go through to get to the Children's Gardens.

Me and Noah, sun shining in our eyes, with a Chihuly piece in the background. I love his work.
I'm surprised they didn't jump in to grab some pennies.


We brought their pajamas to change them in to, thinking they would fall asleep on the way home since it was their bedtime when we left. I think they were wound up from the fun they had running around. They ended up playing with their sunglasses thinking they were the most hilarious things ever.

Mother's Day vs. Saturday

I think there are different perspectives regarding Mother's Day.

1) Mother's Day should be spent with your children because you are their Mother and they are celebrating you and what you do for them.
2) Mother's Day is a day for Mom to pick what she wants to do and that may mean Mom runs away for some alone time (or time with other moms/girlfriends/woman family members.)

This year's Mother's Day was a bit abnormal for me. We spent the weekend at my parents' house, which is not entirely abnormal to do on a holiday (Hallmark or real.) Originally we were going there to attend a bridal shower for someone, but that wedding was called off a couple weekends ago so the plans changed a bit. We still went so that we could see my family as well as see our friends, the Bakers, who have moved back to Michigan for a job for Jack (imagine that - moving TO Michigan for a job!)
Anyways, we went to visit the Bakers Saturday morning and had a great time with them. We returned home and a short time later, my sister and I took my mom out to dinner at a local restaurant we all love. (Mmmm....Tomato Brothers....) It was a really fun time, just the three of us. I think the men were a bit surprised that we wouldn't all want to go out to celebrate my mom together but that was how things went this year. My mom admitted to my sister and me that she was glad it was just us and not the whole family.
I barely saw my mom on Sunday. She and my aunts took breakfast to my grandma's house and they went through old photo albums together and had their own time together. We went to church where I grew up then stopped and saw my dad's dad to visit and show him Caleb and then went to my grandma's to introduce Caleb to her and my aunts that were there with my mom. By the time we left there, went back to my parents' to pack up and take off to go back home (stopping in Lansing for a nursing break along the way), we had enough time to eat dinner and give the kids a bath before putting them to bed. Then the rest of the night was a disaster but we won't even touch that.
So when I was asked today how my Mother's Day was, I answered, "As a regular day, it was great. As Mother's Day, it stunk." My mom was making French Toast for the kids that morning so that was a yummy start to the day and Tim stopped at Rite-Aid on our way home to buy me a Mother's Day card and fill it out in the store and that was the extent of it. I think Tim knew I was annoyed because last night he told me to pick a day to celebrate Mother's Day this week. I told him Mother's Day was done and he said, "No, this wasn't Mother's Day. It was your mother's Mother's Day, it was your grandpa's day and your grandma's day but it was never your day."
I think that I, like other moms I'm sure, set ourselves up to be disappointed on Mother's Day. I have this vision of how the day will go and it never goes that way. Maybe that's why, when it comes to Mother's Day, I fall into the #2 pick of how I want to celebrate it anymore. I want a day off. I love my children dearly and am incredibly thankful for them. I also know that being a stay-at-home mom is exhausting and if someone asked, "What do you want to do on Mother's Day?" I would answer, "I want a nap. An uninterrupted shower. A day with no fighting between kids, time-outs, or a schedule for the day." Realistically, that's not Mother's day here. It never has been. Probably because it's on a Sunday and we're always rushed to get out of the house, causing fights and time-outs.
But Saturday in our household...now that is my Mother's day. Not every Saturday, but we started building a habit that we like to stick to as much as possible. I wake up and throw breakfast in the oven, be it a breakfast casserole or baked french toast or cinnamon rolls or whatever. I start a pot of coffee for Tim because it's the only time he drinks it (unless we're at someone's house and it's offered, but he just never drinks it at home.) I take the laptop and a movie upstairs to the kids and they sit in Noah's bed and watch it. I head back to our bedroom, feed Caleb and then either fall back asleep (while Tim has barely stirred all this time) or just lounge in bed with a book or having an uninterrupted conversation with Tim. When the timer goes off, I head back to the kitchen, start hot water for my tea, get breakfast on plates, call everyone into the dining room and we sit and eat breakfast together. This only happens on Saturday mornings or the occasional day Tim has off of work. When we finish, the kids play together in the living room while Tim and I finish our coffee and tea and talk about whether or not there is anything we want to do that day. Then the rest of the day goes from there and most of it is spent outside if the weather is nice, working on projects together around the house, and making sure everyone takes a nap to refresh. Very very soon it will include family trips to the Farmers Market and who doesn't love that? Sometimes the evening holds dinner with friends, and that's always a fun addition. Typically, on those days, we don't deal with time-outs or fighting because the atmosphere is laid back and no one is stressed.
That is my ideal day. And that's what we get on empty Saturdays. I wouldn't trade one of those Saturdays for a million Mother's Days. My kids don't even need to tell me "Happy Mother's Day" or make me cards or anything. Just having fun together is all the "thank you" I need.
I guess because I feel like Mother's day is kind of a Hallmark holiday, I wouldn't feel bad for making the choice to go out and do something by myself or with friends. We have our real family fun on other days of the year. This way I stop setting myself up for being let down for the Mother's Days that include the fighting, stress, and pressure that my kids have of making sure I have one good day of the year to appreciate being a mom.
Give me Saturday.

Whew

I can't believe how the last 5 weeks since Caleb's birth have flown right by!
Things have been transitioning well. In my opinion it's easier to go from 2 to 3 than it was 1 to 2, but much of that may be related to life circumstances at the differing times. Or the fact that Caleb is a laid back, calm and mellow boy as opposed to a tornado of energy like his older sister.
I took him in for his one month appointment last week and he weighed 8 pounds 8 ounces (put on a whopping 2 pounds from birth weight!) and 21 3/4 inches (grew over 2 inches in a month.) He's doing great. Last week he went through a growth spurt and I wasn't sure I was going to survive it. He wanted to nurse every 1 1/2 hours. My body was so exhausted after a few days I wanted to give up, but then we came out of it. He continued eating every 2 hours or so I and just kept feeding him on demand. I again started feeling exhausted and depleted and took a trip to the library for "Babywise" because I forgot how/when to start a schedule. I did a schedule with both Noah and Ellie and both were sleeping through the night at 7 weeks. Today I started Caleb on a schedule and, hopefully, in the next few weeks we'll get some good night time sleep. I forgot about the whole eat/play/sleep routine and was just basically nursing him to sleep all day long. He wasn't a very alert baby. Then he started doing this:
Sorry it's blurry; I took it with the camera on my phone and it obviously lacks quality.
Anyways, he started smiling and I realized he is quite fun while awake. So we've been interacting (as much as an infant can) today and it's been enjoyable.
He went to his first concert on Tuesday night. Kind of. Tim knows the original members of the Christian band, Relient K, from high school - one of them more than the others because they went to high school and youth group together for awhile - and when they come to town on tour we go support them. Usually we stop by and say a quick "hi" to his friend, Matt, before the concert but this time we actually went in a couple hours early and visited which was nice. Tim enjoyed having a longer amount of time to catch up. Anyways, because we didn't think it would be wise to bring a one month old into such a loud venue, Caleb and I waited on the tour bus while they played so Tim could go in and watch. So he kind of went to his first concert.
What else have we gone through this first month? It feels like a blur. Well, he has already had his first ultrasound. I took him into the doctor for what I thought was reflux and they sent me for an ultrasound to see if it was something I can't even remember the name of now. But if he had had it, he would have had to go in for surgery to repair it. Thankfully, all checked out fine and it really is just reflux. So we're dealing with that.
A few days later he had his first visit to the ER. I was changing his diaper that morning and noticed his belly was all bruised looking, black and blue and purple. I asked Tim what he thought and he wanted me to call the doctor. Since it was a Sunday afternoon we got the on-call pediatrician who advised us to go in to the ER since he wasn't even 3 weeks old yet. The ER doctor told me it was a broken blood vessel from when his umbilical cord fell off. We discovered a few days later it wasn't even that! When I had taken him into the pediatrician's office about the reflux, his umbilical cord fell off while we were there. Instead of a nice, clean break off, it was gooey and interesting looking and the pediatrician said there was a granuloma forming (or something like that) and he put some silver nitrate on it. Now, I didn't see him put iodine on it but he must have and the stain from it must not have shown up right away or something because that's what we think the coloring was from. I know this only because there came a day where I was giving him a bath and the "bruise" started coming off when I was bathing him. Now, we had tried washing it off before to see if maybe it was just that but nothing happened.
Basically my son likes to stretch us with funny little oddities.
The kids have adjusted well to him. Noah went through a phase where he started doing "silly faces" or saying "silly words" or doing "look at me" type things. I know part of this is being a 4-year old boy but you can tell when you watch him that it also involves him feeling like he doesn't want to be lost in the chaos of Ellie and a new baby. Ellie went through a phase where she was quite needy and clingy. I think that as much as Noah didn't want to be forgotten, Ellie wanted to make sure she is still loved. There have been lots of extra "I love you"s and hugs going around as well praise for Noah.
We are excited for spring and summer! The list of projects has already started forming and indoor projects have been started. Outdoor projects are still being dreamed up - they're always being dreamed up as we look outside or get ideas. The other afternoon, though, we had some gorgeous weather and were playing outside and staring at the back of our lot which is actually almost separate from the rest of our backyard by a chain link fence. We like to throw out ideas for what to do with it and I think, eventually, it will become mainly garden/food related. It will be a slow transformation, that's for sure, but one we're excited about. Right now we have an apple tree back there, but the past couple years something has been getting to it and destroying it before fruit is produced, so we want to start spraying it. We also have some raspberry bushes from a shoot my aunt gave us last year and some strawberry bushes we are excited about.
There is change going on all around us right now it seems. Some dear friends of ours, Matt and Jeana, are moving back to California (boo.) Our close friends, Jack and Kelly, just completed a move up to Spring Arbor for a teaching job Jack got at the college (yea!) Our brother-in-law quit his job to start his own business. It is a scary time for them financially with going through this, but God already is blessing them and the process has strengthened their faith.
I look forward to what the coming months will bring. Changes in seasons. Changes in lives.