I Found It!!

Have you ever experienced that nagging sensation when you hear a song that you have heard it before but can't figure out where? When Tim McGraw came out with "When the Stars Go Blue" I knew I had heard it before and it wasn't actually his song. For over a year I have searched my brain for it and come up with nothing.
Tonight I finally googled it. Brilliant. Why didn't I think of that a year ago?
I discovered that I knew it from Bono (from U2) singing it with The Corrs. Whew. There is one more thing I can cross off my list. I also discovered that about 5 other people have remade the song since the original in 2001. It is a good song. If I could sing, I would remake it.
I love music. Tim and I have such an eclectic mix of CDs as well as music on our iPod. I have tried to convince him to like older rock music, like The Doors or Led Zeppelin. He tolerates it but wouldn't voluntarily listen to it. He also is not a fan of The Beatles...that drives me nuts. Who DOESN'T appreciate The Beatles???
One of my favorite albums from last year (well, I bought it last year - I think it came out in 2006) was Bebo Norman's "Beneath the Dreaming and the Coming True." It is such an incredible CD. Lyrics are great, music is fantastic...Tim was not thrilled when I chose to use a gift card on it because there were other CDs he would have chosen first. He will admit now that it is his favorite Bebo CD.
My other favorite from last year (again - I believe it came out in 2006, but Tim gave it to me for Valentine's Day in 2007) was Corinne Bailey Rae. Wow, can she sing. Noah likes to listen to that one as well.
Actually, there are all sorts of good songs and artists I like. I love how, no matter what mood you are in, there is music to go along with it. It's kind of like you can easily find a soundtrack for your life. Mad? Try hard rock. Maybe a little Linkin Park (in high school I liked listening to Korn while angry.) Feeling nostalgic? Break out the music from your childhood. I, personally, love to flashback to the 80s and 90s...maybe a little New Kids on the Block or early Madonna. "Oh oh oh oh oh. Oh oh oh oh. Oh oh oh oh oh. The right stuff." Are you calm, peaceful and content? Throw on the classical. My favorite piece is "Claire de lune." Maybe you want to dance around the house while cleaning? That is when I break out the Justin Timberlake CD and start bringing sexy back to cleaning (or so I think.) Frustrated in life? Break out some worship music and remember God's promises. I have a worship playlist on the iPod with a mix of songs I sought through to find specific ones that have meaning to me or lyrics that have spoken to me in the past.
Music for the mood. What kind of music do you enjoy?

I'm COLD!

We went down to Grand Haven's main street (Washington) this morning to view the "Ice Fest" and find out what it's all about. Basically, it's some small ice sculptures in front of the stores and you can watch the ice sculptor at work. After only being out there for about 20 minutes we came back home with red cheeks and noses. Now, 20 minutes after arriving home, my cheeks are still fairly numb but my ears have reached the tingly thawing out feeling. It's a beautiful morning though - thanks to the awesome sunshine I have felt so deprived of recently. Talk about Vitamin D deficiency...and I can't even "fake bake" to make up for it. So I just turn on a hot shower and pretend I'm in the tropics.
Speaking of tropics, my parents are leaving next week for a 7 day cruise in the Caribbean. I'm so happy for them (although slightly jealous that they will get to experience a week of sunshine, warm weather, and yummy food.) It has always been my dad's dream vacation, and since he turned the Big 50 last month, they saved up to be able to celebrate in a big way. My mom turns 50 in another three years and they will celebrate that by going on an Alaskan cruise, which is her dream vacation. My mom for a few months was quite nervous about the upcoming cruise and the possibilities of running into an iceberg. I told her the chances of that happening in the Caribbean have to be pretty slim to none. When I talked to her this morning she sounded pretty excited about the trip so I'm glad she is conquering her fears.
We had an uneventful Valentine's Day. Both of us kept forgetting about it completely and by the time dinner came around (spaghetti) I had put a candle in the middle of the table and we used cloth napkins to at least make it seem as if we tried. We have had many romantic Valentine's Days and we didn't feel bad for taking this year off. It was kind of nice, actually, not worrying about what to get each other or trying to find time to get a card or stressing about finding a baby-sitter, etc. As we cheesily told each other later "Every day is Valentine's Day with you." Don't worry, we don't really speak to each other like this seriously.
I'm convinced Noah is going to be a worship leader or Christian artist someday. He picks up on songs so quickly and can sing right along with them...although not every word might be understandable. He can carry the tune almost perfectly - much better than me, his non-musical mother. =) I love music...I just wasn't blessed with the gift of singing voice.
Eleanor seems to be doing well. She's quite active and I have the unfortunate habit of waking up at 4:00 in the morning at least 3 times a week and not being able to fall back asleep. This makes for a very long day. I just finished my 30th week and when I look at how busy our March is I know the time is going to fly until she arrives! I am still reading lots of books about natural childbirth and am feeling so wonderfully confident about it. It helps that my friend, Kelly, is also trying it this time around so we can bounce our thoughts and resources off each other. Tim is very encouraging and told me the other night that he is positive I'll be able to do it. It helps to have a supportive husband. I just tend to shut out the negative comments from people and focus on the positive support I have received from others who have done it.
My faith continues to be stretched and grow. I think the hardest thing of the past few months' struggles was stepping away from the "safe" faith that I grew up with and learning about so many qualities and characteristics of the Lord that were never much discussed. This has been difficult for me because for the past 27 years I have walked the same path of beliefs, being lukewarm in my faith. Not to say I don't strongly believe...but I've never really been challenged. Now I am studying and reading and loving the God who I am coming to know more and more as Father rather than just that guy up in Heaven watching over everything. I am trusting Him more readily and giving up the control I thought I had in my life. Difficult? Absolutely. Rewarding? Most definitely.

Gung Hay Fat Choy!

Yesterday we went to Matt & Jeana's to celebrate Chinese New Year. What fun times. It will be so much more exciting next year when we celebrate because then their daughter will be here with us! (They are adopting from China and this should be the year the referral comes.) For now, it was our family and Jeana's parents, grandparents, brother and his family. I was completely exhausted by the end of the day but it was completely worth it. Noah had so much fun he decided to not take a nap (not fun for me) but was the life of the party. Jeana's brother has 2 very well behaved daughters, who are 8 and 4 years old, so an active 2 year old boy running around was quite the change for her family to observe. We're glad we could provide the live entertainment. =)
The table was nicely set. Everyone had chopsticks (mine were stolen by a certain toddler and used to stab at his food.) The kids received fun little "take-out" boxes that had cookies, a tiny plastic saki cup, a red Chinese envelope (containing $1 - I wish we had more traditions like this!), a paper-accordion Chinese dragon (you can see Sydney in the picture pulling her's apart), and Noah's contained a dinosaur (he was thrilled.)This is part of the reason I think naptime may have been skipped and pure silliness taken over: a blue sugary drink from the Asian food market. He loved it...obviously.Tim (in festive decor) and me (looking very tired and pregnant) towards the end of the evening. Red shirts were as Chinese as we could get for costume - the hat is Matt's.Noah "playing" the Wii with Jeana's dad. He thought he was so good at the golf games.

And on other very exciting new year news: Tim landed a part-time job on Friday! He was offered the position on the spot and accepted. The guy was extremely impressed with his presentation (which most likely he was the only one who actually had one for a part-time painting job.) It's great because they're going to work around each other's schedules so that Tim can still do his own small business and continue to grow that. I am so glad because three and a half months with a total of 4 weeks of work can come to an end. We are so thankful to everyone who has been an encouragement and support to us during this challenging time. We have learned many valuable lessons that will be applied from this point on (such as getting our "3-6 months emergency fund" together as quickly as possible, God really does provide in ways you don't see coming, and it is better to stay strong and faithful than waiver in your trust - I learned that the hard way.) The past week has been the crescendo of emotional and spiritual stress for me. I thought things couldn't get any worse...they did. Then that very same day, after - as silly as it sounds - I actually shut myself in the bathroom and yelled at Satan out loud to leave me alone and that I wasn't going to let him steal my joy or have power over me anymore, God started opening doors. Our marriage has grown leaps and bounds. Our faith has been challenged and strengthened. We have ended the week feeling renewed, refreshed, and hopeful for our future. We also covered the top of the fridge in white paper and started writing Scripture verses on it to remind us of God's promises for us as well as those that instruct us on how to be.
Gung hay fat choy indeed - happy new year!

Listen up young punks and daredevil drivers...

To those of you who find it exhilirating to cut people off while driving, run red lights, and make turns when you're not supposed to...you need to stop.
When you are waiting to turn left at a red light and it turns green, it is your responsiblity to WAIT for those coming from the opposite direction (who legally have the right-of-way) to go through the light first and then make sure it is clear before you turn. This means that if it is 2 lanes, one going straight through the light and one turning right...you DON'T go. You don't speed through, cut them off and then laugh hysterically.
Maybe you do this because you think it's cool. Maybe you do it to feel a rush of adrenaline. If you want a rush, go drink a Mountain Dew or something from Starbucks. Don't put the lives of others at risk. Because it's not cool.
Let me give you the perspective of someone in the opposite car. While you're laughing at your daredevil antic, I am wearing my brakes thin by trying to stop suddenly and wearing my nerves thin by preparing myself for an accident. I am in the car with my two and a half year old son on the driver side of the van, whom you would hit if you were turning left and didn't time things the way you had hoped. I am 7 months pregnant with a much bigger than usually belly and fearing for my unborn child's life if I was to hit the steering wheel. Do you want that guilt on your shoulders if you hurt someone in my vehicle because you were trying to make your friends laugh or scream in delight/fear?
If you think you're old enough to drive a car then start being mature too while you're at it.
Start using that brain in your head and stop putting the rest of our lives (as well as your own) at risk.

If You're Looking For...

We have many friends in the West Michigan area that have their own small businesses and are very talented in what they do. I thought I would stick their names and websites on here in case anyone is looking for something they can offer.
PAINTING & HOME RESTORATION
Naturally, I'm going to put my husband's small business first. He does painting, handyman work, flooring, trimwork, custom designs, design consultations (for those who just aren't quite sure what color or finish to go with), etc. He is passionate about what he does, loves going to work, has been blessed with a talent I don't have, and we would of course welcome your support and business. He does free estimates and gives a 3% referral commision (from labor costs) to any jobs you help bring his way. You can check out his blog at:
http://www.rossrestorations.blogspot.com/.
PHOTOGRAPHY
We know so many photographers and I hate that in reality...they're all competition for each other. However, they all kind of have their own areas of expertise so I will include what I think they're best at in case you're looking for something specific.
My friend, Christina, enjoys taking pictures of kids, pregnant women, and has done families as well. You can check out her blog at: http://www.gracedesignsphotography.blogspot.com/ or click on the link to the right under the blogs I read.
Our friend, Jeana, does not have a website. She has assisted in weddings, taken kids pictures (including Noah's), senior pictures, and is great at capturing nature. She does it more "on the side" of the job she already has, so her prices vary depending on what you're looking for. She is in Muskegon and you can comment if you want information on how to get a hold of her. At the moment, all money she earns from her photography is going straight to their adoption fund.
Coastline Studios, owned by our friend, John, does photography and videography. He has done weddings, family portraits, and commercial work (a lot for Cornerstone University.) His website is: http://www.coastline-studios.com/.
Noah's "One Year" pictures were captured by Lisa, who owns Elite Photo Design. She mainly does weddings, bellies, babies & kids. You can see her work at http://www.elitephotodesign.com/.
Quite a few posts down I posted some photos from Cornerstone's Alumni weekend that were taken by Mindy. Her website is http://www.thisphotostory.com/.
INTERIOR DESIGN
The wife of John, who I mentioned earlier owns Coastline Studios, is Amy. She is an interior designer and her website can be viewed at http://www.refreshdesign.net/.
Margaux is an interior designer that Tim has started working with in East Grand Rapids. You can view some examples of her work at http://www.mdrake.com/
CUSTOM METAL WORK
Our friend, and Tim's business partner, Tim has a passion for custom metal design. He has really taken off, thanks to the website Etsy, and even sold a guitar shaped table to Barney's of New York that is now displayed in their brand new location in Las Vegas. You can find more information on him and his work at http://www.timothyadamdesigns.blogspot.com/.
CHURCH
If you're looking for a church where the focus is more on relationships than religion - relationship with God first as well as others - and is someplace that is casual and come as you are, then check out The Journey Community Church in Muskegon. You can find service times and more information at http://www.thejourneycc.com/. This is where Tim and I attend and we absolutely love it and are passionate about their vision and what they're doing in West Michigan.

So if you're looking to support any local artists or small business owners and have a need for any of the above services, make sure to check out some of the above mentioned. Of course, I know there are tons of others in the area (hello, Grand Rapids is a pretty big place!) but naturally I am biased in supporting the people we know! We have had experience with everyone mentioned and that is how I am able to recommend them after being pleased with the work I have seen.

Like ME??!!

I have rarely heard - except from some of my family members - that Noah looks like me. Most of our friends, and strangers we come in contact with who feel free to give their opinion, say how much he looks like Tim. Well, apparently the look-a-like meter disagrees. I still don't see it, but it was fun to try!

Ross Look-alike Meter

MyHeritage: Family trees - Genealogy - Celebrities - Collage - Morph

Freedom From Fear

I had an emotional and incredible day yesterday. On Wednesday, Tim and I took Noah to my parents' house. We stayed the night because a good friend of my mom's is a massage therapist and I had an appointment with her Thursday morning. The appointment had been scheduled for awhile and I had actually told my mom on Saturday to tell Judy that I probably wouldn't be able to keep it because financially I can't splurge on that right now. Judy called me Monday afternoon and said, "I am still planning on you on Thursday. Don't worry about the cost." Through tears I thanked her.
One thing you should know is that my mom has a couple friends that I have nicknamed her "prophetic friends." I doubt they think of themselves that way. It amazes me, though, that God speaks to us all in different ways and He speaks to them through visions, dreams, and placing Scripture or His Words deeply on their hearts. Some people tend to get freaked out by this, thinking that God can't possibly speak that way anymore...it's such an Old Testament thing to do. I have grown to love them for it and it has helped to again break God out of the box that I have put Him in. They never predict things and they love God purely, genuinely, and wholly.
This is why I found myself having a brief conversation with my mom yesterday morning before my appointment. "If Judy feels God speaking to her to say something to you, she won't do it unless she has permission from you because she doesn't like to make people uncomfortable. How do you feel about that?" I laughed, "Well, I had already expected it to be an emotional time for some reason, so I will let her know I am ok with it."
Here is the thing - Judy has only come into our lives within the last few years. I didn't grow up with her, like I did my mom's friend, Cheryl (who now does a Bible Study with Judy and my mom on Wednesday mornings.) Judy doesn't know much of my background or fears - she doesn't know really, besides what Tim does for a living and the fact I'm pregnant and that she thinks Noah is an adorable boy - what is going on in our lives right now with Tim's work and finances.
As she left me in the room to undress and settle on the table (which was an interesting experience in itself since I had to be massaged while lying on my side since I'm pregnant) I started wondering if I really did want to hear if God had anything to say through her. Sometimes I like to remain in the pit of what I know...even if I am miserable in there. I have let Satan draw me into it and make me comfortable.
Judy came in and immediately by looking at my back was able to pick out the tension in my right shoulder. As soon as she touched me I felt a struggle begin. Do I give her permission? Do I lay back and have a quiet massage? After a moment I spoke up: "Judy, if the Lord speaks to you to tell me something...I'm open to hearing it."
She laughed in amazement and rested her hands on my shoulder. "As soon as I touched you all I could feel was fear," she said. "You have so much fear in you." She continued to work on the tension spots. "I feel like the Lord is telling me it's fear due to finances." It took about one second for me to start crying.
She started quoting Scripture to me and telling me things I need to do. "When fear grips you, you need to give that to God. But when you give those thoughts to God, your brain is then left empty...that's when Satan can throw more lies at you. Give those fears and lies to the Lord and then immediately place Scripture in your heard and start meditating on it. The Scripture I keep seeing is, 'My God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.' (Philippians 4:19.) Andrea, he is going to meet ALL your needs. When you were young, did you wonder whether or not your parents were going to provide your food?" "No," I answered. "Did you eat breakfast and wonder whether or not dinner was going to be there?" "No." "Why?" Judy questioned. "I guess I just assumed that since they were my parents they were going to take care of me and feed me," I answered. "Why do you expect less of your heavenly Father? Do you think He won't provide for you, that He doesn't love you even more than your parents?"
She continued to speak to me, drawing visualizations to help me see a point, quoting Scripture, stopping occasionally just to ask if the pressure she was applying to my muscles was too hard or soft and if I was comfortable enough. I felt myself continue to struggle inside between wanting to believe everything she was saying and not wanting to let go of the financial fear I have held on to for so long. She told me that through God we have authority and then challenged me to look at my checkbook and say, "I know that we will have enough money to make it through this month." She told me that the numbers might say otherwise, but that God is not limited by those numbers and what He can accomplish.
But she doesn't know how bad things are for us, I thought to myself.
She worked quietly for a couple moments and I waited to hear where she would go next. "Are you thinking, but she doesn't know my situation?" she asked.
Another round of sobs burst from me and I could only nod and laugh through them. She laughed as well. "Thank you, Lord," I heard her whisper.
She threw more Scripture to me and lectured me a moment longer. Then she stopped and placed her hands on my shoulder and hip and started praying over me. I can't remember everything she said, but I remember feeling like chains were falling off me...like I was lighter and freer than I have been in months. I would repeat in my heart things she was saying out loud, echoing them to God.
I am not a charismatic person. Churches with healing services and different things outside of my norm make me uncomfortable. I also have come to realize of late that I am so tired of the limits that churches of today have placed on God and what He can and cannot do. He can heal. He speaks to us all - in ways that are unique to each of us. We don't like when He speaks to some in ways that make us uncomfortable so we just discount what that person says.
I know that yesterday, as Judy reminded me later, she didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. She didn't tell me any Scripture that I hadn't already read, she didn't tell me any emotions that I wasn't already struggling with. But she called them out on me and I could feel God speaking through her. I was finally at a point where I was crying out to God feeling as if He had abandoned me and He got through to me in a way that He knew I would hear.
Judy, Mom and Tim all commented on how much my face had changed. I heard the words: soft, relaxed and happy from them. I am not dumb enough to believe that this is fight is forever gone and Satan will not try to attack me again. But this time I am willing to fight tooth and nail for my faith.
I feel so free.

Snow+Hot Chocolate+Family=A Fun Day

Tim is again without work for the time being (don't worry, financially we're making it right now) so he was home with us yesterday. He was in Grand Rapids for one-on-one meetings with people all day Monday and today. I was gone Tuesday morning speaking at Calvin with my friend, Jen. Yesterday we decided to make it a fun family day since there were no plans for the entire day.

After waking up (well, after Noah waking us up by throwing books onto the bed and telling us he wanted to read) we read books in bed together followed by the unexciting breakfast of cereal. We played in his room for a little bit, singing and dancing and making puppets sing and dance as well and then I wanted to do my prenatal yoga. I convinced Tim, who had been complaining of sore muscles from playing basketball the night before, to do it with me to help stretch out his achey muscles. After quite a few moments of hesitation he said he would try but stressed the keyword try. Noah settled in at the kitchen table with some crayons and coloring books while Tim and I launched into prenatal yoga. I do a 2-part DVD straight through, but he stopped after the first one. I was impressed he made it that far! He did admit to feeling more relaxed afterwards.

After I finished the rest of the workout we piled on layers of clothes to play outside in the snow since it was sunny and looked beautiful out. After wrestling Noah's snow clothes on him (why does it have to be so hard to get everything on kids? I have to use a specific order to put everything on to make sure clothing stays exactly where it should be and mittens don't fall off later.) we ventured outside to find it was a frigid and bitter day. We played outside for a bit anyways, making snow angels (I opted out) and throwing snow at each other (not in the form of snowballs though since it was too cold, more like throwing powder at each other.)

We finally brought out red cheeks and noses in to settle down with some hot chocolate and a snack. Tim decided to take Noah with him to run some errands and buy a cheap sled so I was able to enjoy some time alone and get myself ready for the day.

I made lunch when they got home and Noah, after using the potty (he always wants to use it after lunch and we think it's in order to stall naptime but who cares as long as he's using it?) finally was tucked in for a nap. Tim spent the next hour or so making business networking phone calls and I listened to a CD my mom gave me with a sermon on it and then grabbed a quick couple-minute nap. My friend, Kelly, called to chat and announce that she is 12 weeks pregnant. I thought this was funny since the day before I had actually had one of those "feelings" that she was, kind of randomly. So we talked about pregnancies and how she also is trying for a natural birth this time around, how we've been feeling, etc. Tim and I are so excited for them! I was telling my mom later on the phone that it's weird to have transitioned from when all of our friends were calling to say they were getting married...then you get calls and make calls on being pregnant for the first time...then everyone starts calling to announce their second pregnancies. I'm feeling older and older. =)

I have been craving breakfast foods recently so last night for dinner we had crepes, turkey bacon and scrambled eggs. It was yummy. Tim took Noah outside to play with his new sled after dinner while I cleaned up. When they came in, I made hot chocolate for them (again!) and then started making brownies (I would say chocolate is my other craving...but that's a craving even when I'm not pregnant.)

After Noah went to bed Tim and I settled on the couch with our brownies, ice cream, and the last Dave Ramsey DVD in the Financial Peace series. We were on the last session to watch and it was a great one. We talked for awhile afterwards about some different things that were brought up during the DVD, played a few quick games of Minesweeper (it's been our competition between each other lately) and then headed to bed.

It was a fabulously fun family day. I kept thinking of how we only have three more months of it being just the three of us and then Ellie will be joining in on the fun as well. I think she is already preparing me for middle of the night feedings, as I was jolted awake at 3:00am by her strong movements and then she proceeded to kick and punch me for the next hour. I had a half hour of peace that I tried to fall asleep during and then she resumed her kickboxing from 4:30-5:15. I slept for the next hour off and on until Noah decided to have an early morning at 6:30am. I know someday I'll probably have to drag them from their beds to get to school or church ontime, but right now I just can't envision that day very well.

Are you crazy?

I have decided that I want to have a natural, drug-free childbirth with this baby.
Yes, apparently I am crazy.
I had the epidural with Noah, and although it made for a pain-free labor all afternoon, it screwed up the entire process. The first time I saw this new doctor in Grand Haven she bombarded me with questions about Noah's labor and delivery. She told me that although 21 hours is a long time to be in labor and 2 hours is a long time to push...they are actually the average for the first time birthing process. However, she said that from how it sounds the fact that they gave me the epidural as early as they did (4 cm dilated) resulted in the labor going from regular and strong to irregular. I had to end up receiving pitocin to help things along because I was stuck at 6 for hours. She said that this time around they wouldn't be administering it as early in an attempt to help things progress more natural and quicker.
This got me to the mind-set of "I don't want to ask for an epidural until I absolutely need it." I was ok at that mindset. Until this past week.
I do prenatal yoga and I love it. I skip over the final relaxation part and usually ignore when they talk about "stimulating your intuition" or "letting your tailbone relax into the earth", etc. But the stretches...oh, the stretches and exercises just feel heavenly on my body. As a result I have not been dealing with the typical hip/lower back/sciatic nerve pains. The instructor points out exercises along the way that are useful to use in labor to help the baby "spiral down" or "get into proper position" or whatever. This got me to thinking, "Maybe if I continue to keep up on my yoga, go over the section (oh, yes, there's even a section) on labor room yoga exercises, and really take the time to prepare myself and research...I could have a natural labor."
The first time I mentioned it to Tim, he laughed. I gave it a few days and then brought it up again. He was completely supportive this time around after seeing that I was really being serious. So I started research.
I spent almost 2 hours researching The Bradley Method last night. I would like to look into it a little more - with Tim since it's focus is "husband-coached childbirth." He obviously would have to learn alot for this one.
I went to the library today and checked out four books, all dealing with natural childbirths. I started reading the first one, "Birth Without Violence" by Dr. Frederick Leboyer and decided it wasn't for me. I mean, I can see the guy's point on some things, but first of all - it's written from the point of view mostly from the baby, which is weird to read and second - I just can't accept everything he says. I mean, sure it would be great for a baby to be born into silence rather than the chaos of the delivery room, but let's be realistic: if you think I'm not going to be raising my voice and doing those weird woman-pushing noises during delivery than you've got another think coming.
And, no, I'm not trying to be a feminist or feel the consequence of Eve's sin or be holistic and new-agey. I just really actually want to experience childbirth for all it is. I keep thinking, if women for hundreds- or thousands - of years could do this without an epidural, then I can too.
Plus, I have the comfort of knowing the epidural is there if I need it.

Secrets of the Belly

I was walking through Meijer today and, out of the blue, was struck with the thought of how amazing pregnancy is. I hated my first trimester since I was throwing up every day and fatigued while chasing a toddler around the house. Now that I'm in my second trimester, I'm doing prenatal yoga - which has helped in that I have not had any lower back or hip pain - and feeling great (well, I still haven't found the second trimester energy I had with Noah, but I think it's due to, again, chasing him around. I can't just nap when I want to.)
Anyways, I was thinking of how when I am out in public people look at me and see a pregnant belly. Many women will look at my bulge of a belly and then look up and give me a sweet smile, some even ask questions. While at Meijer, Ellie decided to wake up and become active and all I could think was, "People look and see a belly, but they don't know what's going on inside. These kicks are just for me, like my own little secret I share with my daughter." Sure, sometimes she kicks my bladder, or settles down on to it for a long winter's rest and it is at those times I think of how it is a foreshadowing the stresses and pains she will plague me with when she becomes a teenager. Yet most of the time I cherish these moments. I love feeling the movement, her own little underwater ballet. I know that as the pregnancy progresses, and by the time I hit the ninth month, anyone and everyone looking at my stomach will be able to see her movements popping out in an alien-like way, but for now it is just me and her. Well, and Tim felt her for the first time last week on my birthday but hasn't been able to feel anything again.
I don't know what she is doing in her little room in my womb. Maybe she is sucking her thumb or trying to stretch. I wonder if she enjoys listening to all of us talking to her, or if she can feel (probably not) Noah pat my belly before he goes to bed and say "Night Ewwie." I wonder if she feels a sense of calm when Tim talks to her at night or when I share my secrets and dreams with her during the day.
I can't wait to meet this little mystery inside me. I can't wait to see the secrets she holds that only God knows right now - what she looks like, what her personality will be, is she completely healthy or are there medical mysteries in there as well? For now...for now I cherish my daughter and the secrets she carries and movements she shares with just me.

Happy New Year!

Whenever I think of starting a new year, the song "The New Year" by Death Cab for Cutie (from the CD "Transatlanticism") always starts to wind its way into my head. In case you haven't heard Death Cab, they are very "emo" so the songs are always mellow and at times depressing. Anyways, have hope for and look forward to your New Year, unlike this song:

"So this is the new year.
And i don't feel any different.
The clanking of crystal
Explosions off in the distance (in the distance).

So this is the new year
And I have no resolutions
For self assigned penance
For problems with easy solutions

So everybody put your best suit or dress on
Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
As thirty dialogs bleed into one

I wish the world was flat like the old days
Then i could travel just by folding a map
No more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways
There'd be no distance that could hold us back.
There'd be no distance that could hold us back [x2]
So this is the new year [x4]"

2007...2008...

It is New Year's Eve! A whole year gone already - and it feels like it went so quick, although when I look back it seems so full. Here are some of the bigger moments from our year:

*We took trips to Tennessee (twice) and Washington, D.C. to visit family members. We went to Ohio numerous times, as usual.

*We also took a trip to Lafayette, IN to visit our friends, the Baker family. We went to a fun little park and zoo while there.

*Noah and I were in a car accident that totalled the Camry. It was not our fault and the car turned out to be more worth more than we thought, so we were able to buy a used mini-van with cash. We should be able to get a couple years out of it before having to think about a new vehicle.

*Tim interviewed for and was offered a dream job in Ann Arbor. After much prayer, conversation, and research he decided it wouldn't be wise to accept. He really feels that God has him here in West Michigan for a reason and we will stay to see what that is.

*Our summer vacation was with the Lewis family to Ohio. We stayed at my in-laws while they were away in California. We took a trip to the Cleveland Zoo, which is very bigger than we thought and pretty cool.



*We moved from a small 2 bedroom apartment in Muskegon to a smaller 2 bedroom duplex in Grand Haven. It is nice to not be in an apartment, though it definitely feels more cramped. The difference in rent is nice as well since it is $200 cheaper and there is a yard for Noah to safely play outside in.

*After moving we celebrated Noah's 2nd birthday.

*After Noah's birthday, we celebrated a positive pregnancy test!*Tim started playing the djembe in church and also now sings occasionally. I volunteer as a girls small group leader with the high school youth group. I was also in the nursery once a month, but that is not something I want to continue doing.

*Tim and I celebrated his birthday with a visit to Mill Run, PA and a tour of Frank Lloyd Wright's Fallingwater. He is already dreaming of the next house for us to tour but I told him with a baby coming, that won't be for awhile.*We experienced two times this year, one in the spring and one in the winter, where Tim went multiple weeks with no work and no paycheck. The first time we had a savings account to fall back on but we used it all up during that time so when fall rolled around we experienced much stress. God, of course, was faithful both times in carrying us through.

Last night Tim and I were reading an article on the speculations that there will be a recession in 2008. I thought it was funny because when I think about the upcoming year, I think it will be a time of growth. I think that because of the lessons we did learn this past year, Tim's business will grow and we will be better prepared for how to handle our budget. Our family will see all sorts of growth. Tim and I are growing in our own personal faith walks and we are growing closer as a couple. Eleanor will join our family in April, leading to growth as a family. Many people we know are expecting babies, leading to growth in our different communities.

So recession shmecession. I'm making 2008 a year of growth and prosperity.

What A Christmas!

This Christmas season has been all-around weird for us. We didn't get a tree, which actually was kind of nice because there were no needles or watering to be concerned with (and, yes, I know that if we would convert to a fake tree we wouldn't have those problems anyways...but the conversion will not be happening in this household.) I remembered the night before we left that we were supposed to be celebrating Christmas between the 3 of us. When I went to wrap Noah's gifts I couldn't find my wrapping paper or tape! Tim searched high and low in the scary storage area (at least he said he did) and came up with nothing. I am confused about my tape because I just had it a couple weeks ago. Oh, well. I ended up wrapping Noah's gifts in newspaper and stapled it all together. It sounds pathetic but quite honestly, he didn't even care. Just ripped the paper off to see what it covered. We didn't read as many of our Christmas books this year, the house didn't seem as decorated, and we started off playing lots of Christmas music and then just became lazy about it. I was also mildly disappointed that we didn't sing more Christmas songs at church throughout the month, especially when the ones they did sing were just the opener songs and no one really participates in those because you don't know if you should or not.Noah's present from us this year was a camping tent. He loved it and couldn't wait to bring his stuffed animals inside as well.
So I wasn't sure how Christmas would even feel this year when it came to celebrating with family. It turned out to be great! We left on a Friday evening, and after a quick stop to meet Samuel Brewer, the newest addition to our friends', Chris and Rachel's, family, we were off to Fowlerville. We celebrated with my family on Saturday and Noah received more gifts than we have room for! He and Tim are playing with his new GeoTrax train set right now. He loves it. We had a fun time visiting with my parents and sister and her family. Since we were tight on finances this year, I had to get creative with Christmas presents. Tim and I had a small amount we set to buy stocking stuffers for each other so we would have something to exchange. Just about everything else I made or enlisted the help of friends (i.e. my friend Jeana is going to take family photos for my parents and my sister's family. Christina is going to do a family photo during Labor Day for the Ross side.) I found some fun fabric I had bought a while ago and made Kailyn a doll blanket for her cradle (she has a doll cradle that was my sister's when she was young, but this Christmas she was finally receiving her first doll.) I also made her a little pillow to go along with it that I forgot to take a picture of, and an art smock with a fun little pocket on the front that was from the book "Bend the Rules Sewing," which I highly recommend.

These shoes were also made out of fabric I had in my stash and were given to Sam. Rachel, being a crafter as well, recognized the pattern (we frequent many of the same craft blogs) and it makes it all the more fun when you can discuss the process that goes into it. I could become addicted to making these shoes...which could be a good thing since we know lots of people having babies!

Noah received his first bike from Grandpa and Grandma. Since the ground is covered in snow here, he has been riding it around the kitchen and living room on what little hardwood he can find.

After waking early and having breakfast on Sunday, we were off for Tennessee! There is not much to tell about our travel except that Noah handled 12 hours in the van better than I did. By the time we got to Knoxville and I realized it would be close to another 2 hours (not the 1 hour Tim claimed it was) I started losing it, thrashing and tearing at my seatbelt and screaming out the open window like a banshee. Well, maybe it wasn't that dramatic but I was close to tears.

The week was great. Noah had 4 full days of interacting with his 5 other cousins ranging in age from 1 month to 7 years. Tim and I learned how to play a couple new games (Charoodles and something else that is part Pictionary, part something else and I cannot remember the name of it for the life of me now.) We had a great time visiting with family and playing with our niece and nephews and enjoyed some yummy food as well - the Ross family knows how to pull off a heck of a buffet spread that we snack on from morning until evening: cheese and crackers, shrimp and cocktail sauce, desserts, nuts, etc. Delicious!

This is the best I could get for the "cousins pictures" - and the newest addition, Ross, is not even in it! In the back are Cameron and Owen and the front is Alec, Noah and Wyndham.

Then Alec was missing from the next one we tried to get, although Ross made his appearance. The people in here are Owen, me, Wyndham, Joyce (my mother-in-law), Noah, Deidra, Cameron, Kristen and Ross (oh, and Ross' last name is not Ross since it is Tim's sister so don't be confused.)

My birthday is the day after Christmas and every year I am excited for it and in recent years I have felt depressed when it comes to the actual day. I think that even as I get older I expect it to hold all the excitement that it does when you're turning 10. Then I realize that it doesn't. Something changes when you become an adult - especially when you don't celebrate it with just your family anymore so you lose traditions along the way. I know it sounds very selfish of me; I had a recent conversation with a girlfriend whose birthday is on the 23rd and she was telling me about how let down she feels on her birthday. I was able to completely relate and was glad to not be alone in how I felt. I guess we Christmas babies tend to wallow in our self-pity when we're lost in the bustle of Christmas. Honestly, though, I got some great presents. My nephew, Cameron, made me a bracelet and my mother-in-law bought me two Karen Kingsbury books. Unfortunately, I had read both of them but said I wouldn't mind having them to keep since I had just borrowed the ones I read from the library. She decided to keep them for herself and give me money to buy some I have not read, which was a sweet thought. Tim bought me the new Sara Groves CD, "Tell Me What You Know," a Karen Kingsbury book that I absorbed myself in and finished in two days ("Between Sundays"), and a 40-day devotional book by Beth Moore called "Get Out of That Pit" which I have heard great things about the book that she wrote of the same title. I thought that gift was ironic since I felt in a pit on my birthday. I am actually quite excited to start it because in this pregnancy I have felt some sort of mild...depression, maybe?...that could be due to life events or who knows?

Something fun we were able to do on my birthday was visit Doe River Gorge, a Christian camp that our brother-in-law, David, works at and that all our family loves and supports. Tim was a counselor there while we were in college and we always make sure to visit to see what is new whenever we are down there. This day's visit started with a stop to say "hello" to the horses.

I was able to have some great conversations with my sister-in-law, Kristen, regarding parenting more than one child. I actually broke down to her one night and confessed I was scared to death to have another child and sometimes feel like I don't know what I was thinking in wanting to have another when sometimes I wonder how I'm going to make it through the day with just one. I told her that I have of course heard of post-partum depression, but is it possible to have prenatal depression? She assured me that everything I was feeling was normal and shared her personal experiences and wisdom, as well as the fact that the "terrible twos" don't last forever. I wish we didn't live 14 hours apart because sometimes I just need a dose of her and one of her hugs.

All in all, it was a fabulous Christmas - although it is good to be back in my own bed.

Yea for Sleep!

We got the best night of sleep last night than we have in the past 2 or so weeks. We figured out that Noah is waking up at night because he is falling out of his bed. We purchased one of those safety railing things for the side of his bed and - woohoo! - he slept soundly all night. We even had an easy time putting him to bed.
Praise God!

Friends

I was thinking today of the friends Tim and I have. We have been blessed beyond belief with an amazing support system. Although many have moved, or we have moved away from many, we still manage to keep in touch with a good amount of old friends from college. I was realizing how proud I am of so many of them and the big things they are accomplishing.
I though of our friend Jack and how he will be finishing his course work for his doctorate at Purdue soon and beginning work on his dissertation. He will not only one day be to us Professor Baker, but Dr. Baker. He would like to teach at the college level.
An old roommate of mine will become Dr. Ennis by the end of the summer. Laura is studying physical therapy at Grand Valley. She is so talented - athletically, intellectually and she is all around a great friend.
We have so many friends who have started their own small businesses or side businesses. Tim Adam has shocked us with the sales of his custom metal designs - not because we don't think they're good but just with how quickly things have taken off for him and how many sales he has had! I told him about the Etsy website back in February and his goal was to have 100 sales by the end of the year. When I looked at his site today he had sold 353 items. Then there is his wife. She is a full-time nanny and on the side has started a small photography business. She gets better with every photo shoot she does and is so eager to learn and soak up every bit of knowledge she can.
Our friend, Chris, has a full-time job and is a husband and father to 2 (well, almost. Sam should be along any day to make it "officially" two.) He also is a seminary student and has been working on developing a Worldview Resource Center at their church. He is one busy guy!
Matt and Jeana are doing what they can to raise money as quickly as possible for their adoption. Matt works full time as a youth pastor and has a side job. Jeana works at Baker College and also does some photography on the side, though she doesn't market herself. It's more doing pictures for people she knows who ask. She also assists her sister-in-law during the busy wedding season with photography (her sister-in-law has a photography business.) During this holiday season, she has been running a toffee factory in her kitchen to sell at craft shows and anyone who wants some.
Then there is my husband. He has his own small business, run mainly on word-of-mouth referrals. He just entered into a business networking group that I think will help a bit to bring business and give him people to talk to about marketing, ideas, etc. There are days when financially I am so frustrated I feel like we should just pick up and move somewhere where home restoration is actually thriving and a good business, but he feels so strongly that God has us in West Michigan for a reason and he will stay. I love his faith, his efforts, the fact he loves to get up and go to work in the morning because it is something he enjoys and is passionate about.
There are more stories I could share, but I won't. I just love thinking that our friends are amazing. They tap into the talents and abilites God has given them. Some let them out in hobbies, others as businesses. Either way, they are not squandering their gifts. I'm so proud.
There are more, but I won't get in to everyone's stories. I am just so

The ups and downs of toddlerhood

There are times as a mother that I feel I am doing a good job. My son is fed, healthy, and clean. He is polite, outgoing, and a sweetheart. At church on Sunday I was told by at least 5 people how cute he is and how calm and laid-back.

Then there are the nights. My son is a monster in disguise of a light-brown hair, adorable blue-eyed 2-year old. The easy-going child is gone. The temper-tantrum-throwing terror is in his place.

That has been the down of the past week and a half for us. Noah, since infancy, has been a wonderful sleeper. He might wake up a couple times with what we called "sleep cries" where he wasn't really awake. All we had to do was go in, lay him back down, make sure he had his pacifier and he was instantly quiet again. However, he doesn't have a pacifier anymore. He is also sleeping in the toddler bed. When he first started sleeping in the bed, he did great. He would wake up and play for a bit in the morning, or read, but he wouldn't leave his room.

That is all gone. He now wakes up every night somewhere between the hours of midnight and one in the morning. He comes into our room, tries to crawl into our bed, we walk him back into his room and then the battle of the generations begins. He usually ends up screaming for up to 2 hours before tiring himself out. Last night he woke at 1:00 and was asleep again by 1:30, but it took him until 10:00pm to fall asleep in the first place, which is rare for us to go through. He was up at 6:30 in a great mood and ready to start the day with full on energy. Tim and I were not greeting the morning with as much energy.
That has been my main struggle of the "terrible twos." There are little things, like the open defiance and deliberate choosing of the opposite of what Mom and Dad want, but those I feel I can handle. Sleepless nights...well...let's just say that come April I'll have a new baby to keep me up at night. This is my time to sleep now and I want to cherish every moment of it.
On the upside of toddlerhood, he asked me if he could use the potty last week. We put the potty chair away a couple months ago and haven't even talked to him about it so I was in shock when he brought it up.
Me: "What?! You want to use the potty?"
Noah: "Yes."
Me: "You want to use the potty?"
Noah: "I do."
Me: long pause. "Ok. Let's go."
So I dragged the potty out of the closet and he sat on it and asked for a book to look at. He looked through a couple books and then said, "All done." He hadn't actually gone, but I praised him like crazy for trying. After that it has become an every day thing for him to want to use it. Sometimes we strike it rich and he actually goes, sometimes it's just him trying. However, the very idea that he is not running in the opposite direction of it is amazing. When we saw how interested he was in this potty business we decided to help in the process by buying a package of M&Ms and keeping them in a jar on top a cabinet in the bathroom. They are his reward for using the potty. Seeing as he is not usually allowed to have cookies and candy, this has actually become a huge motivation for him.
My boy is growing up so fast. I really just have a year and a half of him being at home before he starts preschool. Fortunately, by the time Eleanor starts her "terrible two" stage, Noah will be in school so I can tackle her issues one-on-one during the day like I can for him.
In issues relating to Eleanor, everything seems to be going well so far. Now that I am over the morning sickness, I am starting to put on the "recommended" weight gain. She can be quite an active one and her movements are becoming much stronger. I think Tim will be able to feel some kicks soon. Right now when he puts his hand on my belly, she decides to become shy. I have a feeling things will seem to speed up after the holidays are done and she will be here before we know it!
Financially, things are going much better. Tim started a job this week and will finish Friday. All next week we are gone in Tennessee celebrating Christmas with Tim's family (sing it with me now, all you who know Amy Grant, "A tender Tennessee Christmas is the only Christmas for me.") When we get back he will immediately jump into a new job, followed by another, in Grand Rapids. Things are starting to get back on track! We have learned our lessons and been humbled.
Well, I'm off to work on my niece, Kailyn's, doll blanket and pillow that I am making for Christmas. I'm not working off a pattern so we'll see if it turns out how I have pictured in my head!

Sunny With a High of Blessed

After a rough evening yesterday of finding out my 16 year old cousin tried to commit suicide and, thankfully, failed, I did not know what to expect this day would bring.
Even on a day that is so sunny we had to break out our sunglasses, it still cannot match the happy news we have continued to receive throughout today. From feeling less stress financially due to a gift from a family member as well as a new painting contact Tim spoke with on the phone and hearing other people's stories of good things happening today...it is just one of those days where I look up and say, "I am so sorry God. I am sorry for doubting You. I am sorry for believing lies satan placed in my mind. I am sorry for again putting You in a quaint little box. Thank You, thank You, thank You, THANK YOU for Your amazing blessings and mysterious ways."
Tim took a leap of faith today with the painting contact after praying and weighing issues this afternoon and when he spoke with the man on the phone about his concerns, things turned out different (and better!) than we thought. Another answer to prayer!
It is funny how differently we approach things now that we have experienced the past couple months. We also tend to rely on the memories of our dry patch last spring when Tim was thisclose to accepting a job in Ann Arbor. After much prayer and an emotional breakdown (mostly on my part of course) while there looking for housing, he made the decision to turn the job down. God blessed him abundantly with jobs after that, so much so that he was turning down people because he couldn't fit them in the schedule within the time frame they wanted. By experiencing this we have learned that it is not always beneficial to jump on an offer just because it is there and times seem desperate. We want to be wise and seek God's guidance to see all around if something is going to be good for our family, our faith, our marriage, etc.
Things are starting to look up. The important part for us now is to remember the lessons we have learned in 2007 and start applying them as 2008 draws closer.

Smoking or Non?

I am conservative, tend to vote more Republican based on my moral beliefs because, yes, they are a big deal to me. I don't believe abortion should be legal, I don't believe gay marriage should be legalized - you can call me narrow-minded. That's ok. I just prefer to stand firm in my beliefs like the people who think the opposite of me do as well. I have family members who have had abortions and some who are gay as well. I don't not love them. I just don't agree with their choices. But those are not the issues on my mind today.
Why in the world are the Republicans in Michigan's Senate choosing to ignore the warnings of a U.S. surgeon general report? They have thrown a recent smoking in public places ban to the place "where many bills go to die." (See article at http://www.wzzm13.com/news/news_article.aspx?storyid=84874)
Why? Why? Why? Don't they know how long I have waited for something like this? To be able to go into a restaurant and sit down in a non-smoking area that is truly non-smoke filled? Do they actually think 3 feet of space and a half-wall between two sections is enough to keep the nasty, lung-killing secondhand smoke away? What heaven it would be to go into a restaurant and come out smelling like how you went in! What a glorious and brilliant idea to be able to take my pregnant, semi-asthmatic self along with my toddler to a place where they just automatically seat you in clean air!
I want to find a Republican that opposes this ban and kick him. More specifically I would like to find Republican Leader Mike Bishop and interrogate him. "Oh, hello Mike. It says here, that you think workplaces should be free to decide whether to allow smoking or not, and government shouldn't interfere with private businesses. Did you realize how hypocritical you just were? Did you want the Democrats to attack you? They will tell you that you don't think a woman should have the right to her own body in the case of an abortion but a workplace should decide whether or not to kill the rest of the public by allowing the slow killer Second-hand Smoke to fill their lungs?"
I am not real sure where to stand politically anymore. Republican, Democrat, Moderate. There are issues that I have with both the major parties. The word "moderate" always makes me laugh. Before an election I tend to browse all information on candidates that I can get my hands on so I can make a decision that I feel good about.
Some of you might not even think this ban is a big deal. I have had two grandparents die from smoking related diseases so to me it is a huge deal. I have never in my life smoked a cigarette or had a desire to. If I am not putting this crap in myself, why would I want someone else to do it for me?
Ban the secondhand!
(Sorry, Journey pastors, I really have been listening to the "Words" series. Some of the things said in this post are not kind, like kicking certain Republicans. It is something I'm passionate about, so it is true and kind of necessary.)

A Great Big Thank You

We just want to take the time to say "thank you" to our friends who have been a large support to us in this stressed out financial time. Whether they are inviting us over for dinner or hiding money in our kitchen and then calling us later to tell us about it, we are so appreciative. You have truly shown us the meaning of community without making us feel like a charity case. We know that God is going to bring us through this time eventually and when He does we will be able to turn around and show others the same generosity and love you all have shown to us.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. There is a bid that Tim has in on a house that is being flipped and it would be incredible to get the work for it so we are praying specifically that his bid is accepted.

It's A Girl!!

Mark Your Calendar - Come On Out!

On Saturday, December 15, Jeana and I will be participating in local radio station JQ99's Craft and Care Holiday Fair. It is held at the Holland Civic Center and you can find information here: http://www.jq99.com/pages/news/fair.shtml. They do ask for a donation to help one of three charities and you can find that information on the same page.


Jeana's profits will be going to her and Matt's adoption fund. They have quite a bit of money to raise yet, but every bit brings the reality of Emma one step closer. You can read their adoption blog by clicking on the "Matt & Jeana" link to the right of this post. My profits will go toward our financial situation at the moment. I wish it could be something more fun, but that's life. =)


Here are items you can find for sale at our booth:

Toddler/Preschooler Elf Hats - Some have ties, some do not. There are 3 different designs. The flower is shown here and there is also a snowman and a star. I wish I could have a picture of the hat on a real head but seeing as Noah won't keep it on long enough for a photo (he's anti-hats) and I didn't have a camera at the last craft show to take a picture of this adorable little girl wearing one...a water bottle will have to do.

*Sorry, baby not for sale! Unless you want the toddler that he is now. Just kidding.* My knitting soulmate, Rachel, made this one for Noah before he was born, but we work off the same pattern. My mom and sister nicknamed them acorn caps. Mine are sold in brown, pink, and blue and the I-cord on the top varies in length on mine. Some knot, some are just large enough to resemble the top of an acorn cap without knotting.
Jeana has the most delicious toffee you'll ever taste for sale. She has some baby items as well that she has made. You can also find that information and pictures on a recent post on her blog. If you can't come out to support us but are interested in purchasing something you see in the pictures on her or my website, let us know! If you can make it out, we'd love for you stop by and say "Hello!" We'll be at The Red Thread table - December 15th from 9:00-2:00.

Pictures!

Here are some pictures that I just received from Cornerstone's Alumni weekend in October. It was the first weekend in October and blazing hot! Thanks so much to Mindy Peterson for sharing these with me. Check out her website at: http://www.thisphotostory.com/ to find out more information about her. She got some great shots that weekend.

Tim and Noah were pretty fascinated by the skydive simulator. We didn't plan their outfits on purpose - brown shirts, khaki shorts. You'll just have that when most boy/men clothes look the same!The Alumni soccer team. Tim can't wait for next year! Apparently, it is as hard for 19 grown men to look in the same direction as it is toddlers to...

And this is my handsome new nephew, Ross, who arrived last Friday evening. We can't wait to meet him at Christmas! Big brother Alec seems to be enchanted by him. The other 2 big brothers are also adjusting well to their newest brother. I become tired just thinking about Tim's sister and husband having 4 boys ages 7 and under! They're fantastic parents.

When God Lets You Fall on Your Bottom, But Then Brings You to Your Knees

**Disclaimer: What I am about to write is not done to seek pity or sympathy. It is done with a broken and hurting heart and a chance to be honest in life and share what God is teaching me.**
This month has been hard. We have not received a paycheck and Tim for the first time (besides helping out a friend with some small projects for gas money) started a job for a client this past Monday. Yes, we took the trip to Fallingwater - mainly because everything was already paid for. We paid for gas, and quite honestly, Tim's birthday money paid for that (he didn't feel bad about it since it allowed him to see something he has dreamed of) and the trip was not taken without much discussion, crying, arguing, and pouring over the bank statement first. We also ate lunch, dinner, and lunch the next day off dollar menus at fast food restaurants.
God has been throwing one lesson after another at us. First, it was to show us how stupid we have been with our finances. We have been so cocky walking around with our "We have no debt" mindset that we weren't putting aside extra money into savings. We were eating out quite a bit, buying things for Noah, buying the little things here and there for ourselves that don't cost much separately and then you add everything together and it's more than you think. We sat down with our October bank statement (since that was a really good month financially and job-related for Tim and we wondered where it all went) and threw every purchase into a category. It was embarassing, absolutely embarassing. Had we actually stuck to the budget we had made months ago, we could have put a large amount into our savings and had Step 1 for Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover ($1000 in Emergency Fund) completed. It would have been a huge help for us in this month...but we didn't do that. We now kick ourselves, yet we're keeping our categorized October sheet and have it where we can see it so that we don't make the same mistake again. God has taught us the importance of good stewardship - a hard lesson to learn when you think you already know it. Ouch.
The second lesson is more of a reminder, that God never leaves you and will provide for your needs. It's rarely in the way I think He should handle it (just send me some random checks in the mail and I can pay the bills. Has anyone else ever prayed for that long-lost distant relative to die of natural age after a happy life and miraculously have known about you and leaves you their inheritance? Or is that just my overactive imagination?) More often it is in a way that humbles us. For instance, our current situation is that since Tim is self-employed and we have the pleasure of living in a state with a down-spiral economy for his line of business, we can't afford good insurance like what most people have through employers. Instead, we have a Health Savings Account, which I think is great and I have no complaints about it, yet it doesn't cover maternity. It also costs much more to have a baby than what the rep had told us to expect. We were expecting to put aside at least $8,000 and that's only for a no-complications birth with no anesthesia. We had no idea how we would afford this. Enter God. We now qualify for Michigan's Healthy Kids program, which is a form of Medicaid. Our stress of finding money to pay for our son or daughter is now not in our lives anymore. I also automatically qualify for WIC since I'm on Healthy Kids, and since I qualify and Noah is under the age of 5, he automatically qualifies as well. That will be a help with the groceries that we have been scrimping on lately. Yes, we're eating. We're just eating creatively as we like to call it (don't worry, everything is edible and a food.)
I think that a huge lesson Tim and I have learned from being on Healthy Kids and WIC (we had to do this when I was pregnant with Noah because I was laid off during my pregnancy so we lost our insurance and Tim's job didn't provide it) is that you can't judge people on Medicaid, Food Stamps, or Wic. More often than not, and I use to think this myself, most people assume that those using these services are lazy or women who get knocked up constantly to get support from the government or not trying in life. I would say we break that stereotype. We're definitely not lazy, I don't want to spend anymore time after this pregnancy knocked up, and we are trying. It's embarassing to answer a question on a WIC form that says "How many grades of school have you completed?" and answer "College graduate with bachelor's degree" and yet I need help.
Help. What a word. That's another thing we've learned. Tim and I are prideful. We needed to fall on our butts. We have a hard time asking for help when it comes to finances. We don't want to. We don't want to admit that we don't have everything together. We can ask for help moving, we can ask for help with needing a baby-sitter to watch Noah, we can ask for help as long as it doesn't require money. We were hiding our problems from our parents until my mom recently started to put together the fact that Tim was always home during the day when she would call and when I told her we hadn't started Christmas shopping yet. You don't want to admit that you're in your mid to late twenties with a child and another on the way and you don't know how you're going to pay for gas or groceries that week. She told me that if in two weeks we don't have money for Noah's Christmas gifts, than she is giving us money for them rather than supporting the angel tree family she usually does. She said that she knows the angel tree family and, although they do never seem to have money at Christmas, she has seen them buying cigarettes and alcohol throughout the rest of the year. Now there's something that will humble you: when your own mother pretty much "adopts" you as her needy family for Christmas.
That's when you realize you have become the person you stereotyped and your judgment about them was wrong. I'm not saying that nobody ever takes advantage of "the system," but we jump to conclusions too often without knowing the circumstances. You don't want to be the name on the tree that someone picks off, you don't want to be the woman with the toddler in line at the WIC office, you don't want to show your MIHealth card when you visit the doctor. Yet this is where God has us right now. This is the way He is providing right now...and He is providing.
I love the support system God has revealed. A girlfriend of mine and her husband have been in a similar situation so I feel I can be completely honest with her and she gets me. She knows. My mom told me that for a time early in their marriage they were in the same spot and eating a lot of ramen noodles and macaroni and cheese. We were having a great conversation with Tim's parents while visiting and Tim asked what their roughest time financially ever was. They said there was a time period in which they were eating lots of oatmeal and praying that there would somehow be enough money to pay bills. A counselor friend of mine said that her mom recently revealed to her that when my friend was young, they would hold garage sales just to have money to buy groceries that week. Her mom also started sewing their own clothes. My grandma told my mom that the reason she worries so much about us is that she and my grandpa were in the same spot years ago before my mom was born. Sometimes my grandpa was only making $1 a week and they had 2 kids at the time. What I love is looking at where these people are at now. I love the strength they all show, the careful way they handle their finances because they know that at any point something could happen. I love that they truly can empathize with you because they have experienced it as well.
God is not providing with money I can hold in my hand at the moment, but he is preventing certain bills from reaching our mailbox. He is providing relief when it comes to groceries. He is providing open lines of communication between Tim and me because we have to constantly discuss these things to make sure we are always on the same page. He is drawing us closer to each other and closer to Him. Tim said the other night, "This is an adventure, not one we pictured, but I still want to travel it with you. At the end of it, I want us to stand together to see how God brings us out so we can look back and praise Him for it as well as during it."
In conclusion, I think that God lets you fall on your bottom when you have some lessons to learn. Yet He doesn't leave you there. If you're at the bottom, the only good view is up and the only place to go is up. First we have to get on our knees and spend some time there. Then He will take our hands and help us climb.

Home for Awhile...

What a crazy past couple weeks! We have been gone more than home and it has been exhausting. As of now we have no travel plans until the weekend before Christmas, so I have a good month to just be in one house.
Tim and I went to Mill Run, Pennsylvania a couple weekends ago to celebrate his birthday. He has been wanting to visit Frank Lloyd Wright's Fallingwater so I planned a weekend trip out there. It was a nice weekend away for the two of us, with my parents watching Noah while we were gone. After touring the amazing house, we headed to Tim's parents for the rest of the weekend and had a chance to visit with family.

The infamous view of Fallingwater that you will typically see in books.

The morning that we left, I had a voicemail informing me of the death of a friend of my family's. Since Tim has been slow with work, we were able to stay at my parents' house for a couple days until I could attend the viewing with my parents and sister. It was so weird. She was my parents' age, the mother of a childhood friend of mine. She has a husband and three daughters, two who are engaged. The oldest, my age, is getting married next month and it is heartbreaking to think that her mom will not be there...that the hurt will still be so fresh...although I doubt the hurt of losing a parent ever goes away.
We finally arrived home and I knitted like a mad-woman to finish some projects to sell in a craft show that Jeana and I were a part of. Overall, it went...ok. I don't think anyone sold much of anything, really. It was a weird time of day and in an odd part of town, although the house it was in was gorgeous. It was a fun experience though, and it got me out of the house for the day and I got to spend some time with Jeana and a woman we used to work with in admissions at Cornerstone, who was there selling some things as well. We are putting some of the leftover items in a craft fair on Cherry Street in Grand Rapids this Saturday, and are entered in another one on December 15th. Somewhere within all that craftiness I have to find time to read "The Count of Monte Cristo" for the book club I'm in. I had better start that... Just one of the many recent projects. This one is from the book, "Bend the Rules Sewing." If you are a sewer, I would highly recommend it. The patterns are adorable, fun, and somewhat simple! Just ignore the water bottle model-head. =)

After being home for a whopping 6 days, we took off again for my parents' house, this time to celebrate Thanksgiving. We went earlier than usual so that Tim could paint some rooms at my grandma's house. We had a great time while there. My parents recently bought a Wii (before they became sold out everywhere) and you would not believe how much exercise that provides! My arms have finally stopped aching from the boxing and tennis.

Tim, Noah, and me at the Festival of Lights Parade in Howell the night after Thanksgiving. It was so cold, the parade started late, and we were unwisely at the end of the route...so we only got to see a few floats before heading home to save our frozen limbs.

Now we are home again. I'm glad we came back on a Saturday so that we could attend our church this morning. It turned out to be a distracting service for Tim and me, as Noah's nursery number was displayed on the screen and that hasn't happened since the first time we attended over a year ago. It turns out he was playing catch with someone, tripped, and hit something on his way down. His tooth sliced open his lip and I have never seen so much blood come from a toddler's lip. It took a few minutes to stop the bleeding and now he is running around with a fat lip that is sporting a gash. Thankfully, it didn't happen right away so we could at least experience what turned out to be the emotional part of the service for me.
There are a lot of things going on in mine and Tim's lives right now, most of them being financial. I had (another) breakdown last night about it and Tim was great at reminding me the ways that God has continued to provide for us, even if they haven't been checks in the mail like what I wish would happen. Today, Matt was recapping this month's series and started describing the second week, which we missed due to Tim's birthday trip. I've taken the summary from his blog (http://web.mac.com/journeymatt/iWeb/matts%20blog/blog/blog.html):

"we looked at Isaiah. He was someone who didn’t feel good about himself or the situation he was in - his country is falling apart and his king has died. But he sees God in a real way for the first time and it changes everything. He shifts from “Woe is me” to “Wow, it’s God”. Isaiah’s message to the nations and to us is turn to God and find strength (Is. 12, Is. 33, Is. 40). The theme for this week was Relying on God’s Strength by shifting our perspective from the problem to the Provider. We talked about how we view life through filters...like the Lions. We can’t put hope in them because they have let us down so many times (like TODAY). So, let’s shift to view life through the filter of God. This is more than just positive thinking. It is trusting that God is with us, faithful to us, and that His divine power can give us everything we need for life. When we stop dwelling on the situation and shift to the solution in our Savior, we can find that our problems don’t seem as big because God is bigger and we can find strength for every day."

I felt like God had hit me in the head with a 2x4, explaining to me that my problems are starting to overtake me. They occupy my every waking thought and drive me crazy as I try to figure out a solution on my own. I needed to be reminded, like last night by Tim, the ways that He has provided for us and that He will continue to. He is the Provider. It's not usually in the ways I expect, but I never seem to be displeased with it when I look back. I just become so impatient in the time of waiting to see how He is going to work, or what miracle He is going to perform to get us out of the jam we're in.
I'm so thankful this weekend - for an awesome and loving husband, for an adventurous and adorable toddler, for a life inside me that I do not yet know by name but by movement and that unbelievable bond between a mother and unborn child, for family and friends, for a church filled with outstanding people, for having no debt, and for knowing the love and forgiveness of a God who continues to speak and provide even if I feel deaf and alone.

My baby boy...

...is not so baby anymore! We converted his crib to the toddler, well actually, we did the daybed so that he would still have a rail on one side. He loves his new freedom of being able to get in and out of bed when he wants. We love that he wakes up, turns on his light, and plays by himself for a bit in the morning before coming to get us. Added sleep for us!

"Helping" Daddy convert the crib. Testing out the mattress.

This is where we have found him the past 2 days during nap time. We have to gently move him back into his bed.

Can You See What I See?

Focus on the Family gave a grant to the Muskegon Pregnancy Services for an ultrasound machine. They were looking for pregnant women between 6 and 20 weeks to train on. Who can turn down a free ultrasound? Not me. Especially since it will be another 5 weeks before our "big" ultrasound where we find out gender, make sure all the anatomy looks correct, etc. and I have been longing to see my baby!
Apparently, he or she is very active as they kept telling me this while trying to get a good shot. I like this one because it is almost identical to one of Noah's 20 week pictures. They both have a hand by their heads in the picture. Like brother like...baby. So can you see the baby in the photo?