Freedom From Fear

I had an emotional and incredible day yesterday. On Wednesday, Tim and I took Noah to my parents' house. We stayed the night because a good friend of my mom's is a massage therapist and I had an appointment with her Thursday morning. The appointment had been scheduled for awhile and I had actually told my mom on Saturday to tell Judy that I probably wouldn't be able to keep it because financially I can't splurge on that right now. Judy called me Monday afternoon and said, "I am still planning on you on Thursday. Don't worry about the cost." Through tears I thanked her.
One thing you should know is that my mom has a couple friends that I have nicknamed her "prophetic friends." I doubt they think of themselves that way. It amazes me, though, that God speaks to us all in different ways and He speaks to them through visions, dreams, and placing Scripture or His Words deeply on their hearts. Some people tend to get freaked out by this, thinking that God can't possibly speak that way anymore...it's such an Old Testament thing to do. I have grown to love them for it and it has helped to again break God out of the box that I have put Him in. They never predict things and they love God purely, genuinely, and wholly.
This is why I found myself having a brief conversation with my mom yesterday morning before my appointment. "If Judy feels God speaking to her to say something to you, she won't do it unless she has permission from you because she doesn't like to make people uncomfortable. How do you feel about that?" I laughed, "Well, I had already expected it to be an emotional time for some reason, so I will let her know I am ok with it."
Here is the thing - Judy has only come into our lives within the last few years. I didn't grow up with her, like I did my mom's friend, Cheryl (who now does a Bible Study with Judy and my mom on Wednesday mornings.) Judy doesn't know much of my background or fears - she doesn't know really, besides what Tim does for a living and the fact I'm pregnant and that she thinks Noah is an adorable boy - what is going on in our lives right now with Tim's work and finances.
As she left me in the room to undress and settle on the table (which was an interesting experience in itself since I had to be massaged while lying on my side since I'm pregnant) I started wondering if I really did want to hear if God had anything to say through her. Sometimes I like to remain in the pit of what I know...even if I am miserable in there. I have let Satan draw me into it and make me comfortable.
Judy came in and immediately by looking at my back was able to pick out the tension in my right shoulder. As soon as she touched me I felt a struggle begin. Do I give her permission? Do I lay back and have a quiet massage? After a moment I spoke up: "Judy, if the Lord speaks to you to tell me something...I'm open to hearing it."
She laughed in amazement and rested her hands on my shoulder. "As soon as I touched you all I could feel was fear," she said. "You have so much fear in you." She continued to work on the tension spots. "I feel like the Lord is telling me it's fear due to finances." It took about one second for me to start crying.
She started quoting Scripture to me and telling me things I need to do. "When fear grips you, you need to give that to God. But when you give those thoughts to God, your brain is then left empty...that's when Satan can throw more lies at you. Give those fears and lies to the Lord and then immediately place Scripture in your heard and start meditating on it. The Scripture I keep seeing is, 'My God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.' (Philippians 4:19.) Andrea, he is going to meet ALL your needs. When you were young, did you wonder whether or not your parents were going to provide your food?" "No," I answered. "Did you eat breakfast and wonder whether or not dinner was going to be there?" "No." "Why?" Judy questioned. "I guess I just assumed that since they were my parents they were going to take care of me and feed me," I answered. "Why do you expect less of your heavenly Father? Do you think He won't provide for you, that He doesn't love you even more than your parents?"
She continued to speak to me, drawing visualizations to help me see a point, quoting Scripture, stopping occasionally just to ask if the pressure she was applying to my muscles was too hard or soft and if I was comfortable enough. I felt myself continue to struggle inside between wanting to believe everything she was saying and not wanting to let go of the financial fear I have held on to for so long. She told me that through God we have authority and then challenged me to look at my checkbook and say, "I know that we will have enough money to make it through this month." She told me that the numbers might say otherwise, but that God is not limited by those numbers and what He can accomplish.
But she doesn't know how bad things are for us, I thought to myself.
She worked quietly for a couple moments and I waited to hear where she would go next. "Are you thinking, but she doesn't know my situation?" she asked.
Another round of sobs burst from me and I could only nod and laugh through them. She laughed as well. "Thank you, Lord," I heard her whisper.
She threw more Scripture to me and lectured me a moment longer. Then she stopped and placed her hands on my shoulder and hip and started praying over me. I can't remember everything she said, but I remember feeling like chains were falling off me...like I was lighter and freer than I have been in months. I would repeat in my heart things she was saying out loud, echoing them to God.
I am not a charismatic person. Churches with healing services and different things outside of my norm make me uncomfortable. I also have come to realize of late that I am so tired of the limits that churches of today have placed on God and what He can and cannot do. He can heal. He speaks to us all - in ways that are unique to each of us. We don't like when He speaks to some in ways that make us uncomfortable so we just discount what that person says.
I know that yesterday, as Judy reminded me later, she didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. She didn't tell me any Scripture that I hadn't already read, she didn't tell me any emotions that I wasn't already struggling with. But she called them out on me and I could feel God speaking through her. I was finally at a point where I was crying out to God feeling as if He had abandoned me and He got through to me in a way that He knew I would hear.
Judy, Mom and Tim all commented on how much my face had changed. I heard the words: soft, relaxed and happy from them. I am not dumb enough to believe that this is fight is forever gone and Satan will not try to attack me again. But this time I am willing to fight tooth and nail for my faith.
I feel so free.