Lately I've been bothered by the word "better."
It's all over magazines I see while waiting in line at the grocery store or walking around in the library:
Find a better career
Tips for a better sex life
Tricks for better hair...make up...skin
Exercises to help you get a better body
The Christian world is not exempt either:
5 more minutes to a better quiet time
Have a better marriage
Be a better wife
Worship better in church, the car, doing dishes in the kitchen
Be a better version of who God made you to be.
No wonder I spend my days beating myself up, stressing myself out, going over my mistakes from the day as I fall asleep. I spend so much time trying to be better that I don't even know what I'm trying to be better than. I don't even know who I am right now, in this moment, because my days are filled with trying to be more...better. Because the literature all around me is telling me who I am right now is not good enough.
I'm calling this out as a lie. I'm choosing to start focusing on growth instead of making myself better. The words don't seem that entirely different until you take them by definition.
(Definitions from Merriam-Webster Dictionary)
*Better - higher in quality; more skillful; more attractive, appealing, effective, useful, etc.
*Grow - to become more developed, mature, etc.
I see being better as a competition and so I'm constantly comparing myself to other women around me. I see growth being a beautiful process that takes who I am now and over time adds to this woman.
I want to grow in wisdom.
I want to grow in knowledge.
I want to grow in strength.
I want to grow in love.
Maybe this only makes sense in my head. I don't know if anyone will relate. But I know that coming to this realization and the desire to stop pressuring myself to be better and instead appreciating who God made me to be and how I can grow in the depth of that person is like a weight off my shoulders.
Monday, May 19, 2014
Wednesday, May 07, 2014
House
The exterior looks the same as it did over 10 years ago when Tim and I purchased it and he carried me over the threshold. A first home of newlyweds married just nine months. Nothing special makes the red brick ranch stand out but still it tugged at my heart today.
Who lives there now? I found myself wondering. Are there kids running down the hallway? Do they snuggle on a couch in front of the fireplace on cold winter evenings?
And it surprises me that while a flood of memories come back to me when I look at the house, the current owners know none of them.
They don't know about the painting party our friends joined us for to spend a day laboring as worker bees to get the house ready to move into.
They never laughed while Pippin, our first baby - a chocolate lab puppy - got into all sorts of mischief and tried to convince us as he grew that he was still just a 75 pound lap dog. Love me, love me, pet me, love me, he would pant as he jumped onto the couch and curled up between us.
They don't know that there was an evening where candle light framed a marriage proposal between two of our dear friends, one who was living in our basement at the time. A marriage journey began in that living room and thrives today, years and two children later.
They never heard the shriek of happiness and joyful tears that filled the bathroom when a pregnancy test came out positive.
They are not aware that there are spaces on the floor where I have crumpled, sobbing and crying out to God to heal my heart after the loss of my grandmother and soon after the loss of our first pregnancy.
They never saw how I stilled myself on beds in the rooms and stared at walls willing the hurt and grief to lessen.
Then, quick months later, more shrieks - hesitant this time - at another positive test, then one more, just to be certain.
That wainscoting in the back room? It was a labor of love by Tim and a friend to prepare the nursery for a baby boy's arrival. On the small wall in that room, I painstakingly painted a Hawaiian themed mural that matched crib bedding.
And in the wee hours of August 16, 2005, they never know my eyes flew open as I felt my first contraction...then more...and after a few hours of walking that hallway and timing contractions, Tim and I walked out the side door for the last time as just a young married couple.
They weren't there to witness our arrival home a few days later as a family of three, to have hearts full of joy and anxiety as we tried to figure out what to do with this small bundle the nurses let us bring home from the hospital.
Those rooms and hallways have been crawled through, walls have been used as support for a toddler learning to stand and then walk along.
Fires have been enjoyed in that fireplace, nestled between built-in shelves that made a young bride quite happy to have a place for her books.
The dining room saw many happy gatherings with friends, family, and held a table graced with food for bridal and baby showers.
And yet, we were just one owner for a short time in a house that is over 60 years old. What other stories and memories does that house hold?
I think that about the one we live in now, too. What laughter, tears, fights, joy, parties, decisions, and growth have these walls held? It is easy to think of our home possessively. It's "ours." But it hasn't always been and it probably won't always be.
I am certainly thankful for them - both the house we occupy now and the journey being lived here, and the first house we bought and the memories made there in our very young and early marital years.
I wonder if they know that...
Tuesday, May 06, 2014
This Girl of Mine
When I asked Eleanor about her "adventuring" outfit today (a wool hat, cape, zebra print bag, and walking stick topped off with a blue ribbon), she answered:
"Amazing adventures could be anywhere."
Friday, May 02, 2014
Dear Noah
I look at this boy who looks all arms and legs playing in the backyard and it takes me a minute to realize it's you.
How did we get here?
Are you not the 7 pounds, 9 ounces of beautifully formed flesh they placed on my chest, both of us crying as we looked at each other for the first time? Are you not the whitish-blond boy with blue eyes staring so deep into the eyes of those around you that they felt you were peering into their souls? Are you not the small child climbing onto my lap for kisses and hugs and snuggles after waking up from afternoon naps?
How can this small man-child be the same infant, toddler, preschooler? How did you grow so fast?
And I don't know what to do!
You turn 9 this summer and I feel like that is on the verge of something big and I don't know how to let you go. I've never had to raise a boy - or any child - before you. I ask your dad, "How much more responsibility do we give him? What responsibility do we give him? How far can he ride his bike without us? What kind of things is he capable of doing that we hold him back from because we don't know...we just don't know what we're doing?"
Forgive me, Noah. I'm clueless.
I wake up every morning feeling blind to what to expect. I expected the moodiness from Eleanor, from girls. I didn't expect it from growing boys. I never foresaw eye rolling, word snapping, silence of thoughts and self-doubt from boys.
I blame myself often. Maybe I protect you too much. Maybe I need to back off more. Maybe I did this wrong or failed to do this right and I don't want to fail you!...I don't want to fail.
I'm sorry if I've pushed you. I think sometimes I see strengths in you that you don't recognize and maybe I need to just shut up and sit down and really listen to what you want and don't want to do. You're good at soccer, but if you don't want to do it...I won't mention it anymore. I'm good at math and with numbers, but I sure don't like working with them. After 4 years, you want a summer off of swim lessons? Deal. You want to try karate? Big breath in...ok. If that's something you really want to try then I want you to be able to try it. What do I know about karate? Maybe you're a black belt in the making!
I want to help water your strengths. Those abilities and gifts that God has put in your heart and that make you who you are, I want to help you grow in those. When you ask me if a master Lego designer has to go to college first? I don't know, but I'll help you find out. I see what a gift your mind has when you're working with those little blocks and if you want to create Lego masterpieces with your cousin, Cameron, and have a Lego store and share your love of them with other people, then who am I to hold you back?
I wish I could give you acres of trees to climb and land to run on. There are few things that make my heart soar then when I see you up in a tree and even more so when there is a book in your hand and I know your mind is worlds away. We may not travel much outside of visiting family, but you visit so many worlds with those books. It brings me so much joy.
I know we butt heads often lately, Noah. I know that I drive you crazy and you do the same to me. Maybe it's similar personalities. It's probably just that I don't know what I'm doing and you need a little more freedom but I'm still trying to fence you in. I'm trying, Noah. I am. This is new territory for both of us.
You know what keeps me sane, though, even when I am ready to tear out my hair? It's the little moments. The moments where I know that you're still my son and you do still love me. I don't want to raise a mama's boy. I want you to one day leave our house and marry a wonderful young woman and form a life with her. But for now?
Those moments when I'm on the couch reading, maybe "The Hobbit" aloud to all of you, or maybe just a book to myself, and you sit next to me...slowly creeping closer...ever so timidly resting your head against my shoulder to see if it's still ok.
It is still ok.
I love you, Mr. 8-year old.
How did we get here?
Are you not the 7 pounds, 9 ounces of beautifully formed flesh they placed on my chest, both of us crying as we looked at each other for the first time? Are you not the whitish-blond boy with blue eyes staring so deep into the eyes of those around you that they felt you were peering into their souls? Are you not the small child climbing onto my lap for kisses and hugs and snuggles after waking up from afternoon naps?
How can this small man-child be the same infant, toddler, preschooler? How did you grow so fast?
And I don't know what to do!
You turn 9 this summer and I feel like that is on the verge of something big and I don't know how to let you go. I've never had to raise a boy - or any child - before you. I ask your dad, "How much more responsibility do we give him? What responsibility do we give him? How far can he ride his bike without us? What kind of things is he capable of doing that we hold him back from because we don't know...we just don't know what we're doing?"
Forgive me, Noah. I'm clueless.
I wake up every morning feeling blind to what to expect. I expected the moodiness from Eleanor, from girls. I didn't expect it from growing boys. I never foresaw eye rolling, word snapping, silence of thoughts and self-doubt from boys.
I blame myself often. Maybe I protect you too much. Maybe I need to back off more. Maybe I did this wrong or failed to do this right and I don't want to fail you!...I don't want to fail.
I'm sorry if I've pushed you. I think sometimes I see strengths in you that you don't recognize and maybe I need to just shut up and sit down and really listen to what you want and don't want to do. You're good at soccer, but if you don't want to do it...I won't mention it anymore. I'm good at math and with numbers, but I sure don't like working with them. After 4 years, you want a summer off of swim lessons? Deal. You want to try karate? Big breath in...ok. If that's something you really want to try then I want you to be able to try it. What do I know about karate? Maybe you're a black belt in the making!
I want to help water your strengths. Those abilities and gifts that God has put in your heart and that make you who you are, I want to help you grow in those. When you ask me if a master Lego designer has to go to college first? I don't know, but I'll help you find out. I see what a gift your mind has when you're working with those little blocks and if you want to create Lego masterpieces with your cousin, Cameron, and have a Lego store and share your love of them with other people, then who am I to hold you back?
I wish I could give you acres of trees to climb and land to run on. There are few things that make my heart soar then when I see you up in a tree and even more so when there is a book in your hand and I know your mind is worlds away. We may not travel much outside of visiting family, but you visit so many worlds with those books. It brings me so much joy.
I know we butt heads often lately, Noah. I know that I drive you crazy and you do the same to me. Maybe it's similar personalities. It's probably just that I don't know what I'm doing and you need a little more freedom but I'm still trying to fence you in. I'm trying, Noah. I am. This is new territory for both of us.
You know what keeps me sane, though, even when I am ready to tear out my hair? It's the little moments. The moments where I know that you're still my son and you do still love me. I don't want to raise a mama's boy. I want you to one day leave our house and marry a wonderful young woman and form a life with her. But for now?
Those moments when I'm on the couch reading, maybe "The Hobbit" aloud to all of you, or maybe just a book to myself, and you sit next to me...slowly creeping closer...ever so timidly resting your head against my shoulder to see if it's still ok.
It is still ok.
I love you, Mr. 8-year old.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
More Than Sweat
My alarm drags me out of a pleasant sleep that seems like it took forever to even fall into. I hit the snooze button, just in case, but am already rubbing my eyes and stretching, quietly grumbling about morning coming too soon.
The truth is, I don't have to get out of bed this morning as the sun is also rising. I would much rather remain warm and cozy under blankets than feel my feet hit a chilly wood floor. Yet I get up, grabbing a pile of clothes and heading into the bathroom to change.
I leave the house, re-tie a shoe when I get to the end of the driveway, and immediately start quickly walking...in part to warm up my cold muscles but also to meet my friend, Carrie, who has already turned the corner we were supposed to meet at and is walking my way.
She suggests a different route than what we had talked about, and I agree because it's actually a favorite of mine, although I haven't traveled it in almost a year. We walk to a corner before breaking into a run.
Running. For so long I identified with the joke, "If I ever had to run for my life, I would die." I wasn't athletic growing up. Clumsy, yes. Coordinated...not so much. Seriously. I twisted my ankle after youth group in high school on the sidewalk. My only broken bone happened while I was in middle school. It was a rib I broke while sneezing. Pure athletic talent, right?
So when I decided a few years ago that I wanted to start running, it was a slow and inconsistent thing. I didn't have anyone I was running with so there was no motivation. Then last spring I kind of freaked out about running by myself and asked Carrie if she wanted to join me.
There was a long and hesitant pause on the other end of the phone. I told her we could walk instead. I just wanted to be out getting some kind of physical activity. She agreed to that, and surprised me days later when she said she would be interested in working up to running. Working between the C25K program and another program laid out in the book, "Running Made Easy," we took off.
We ran through the spring, summer, fall, and beginning of winter, until illness, harsh weather, and crazy schedules inched in. I was surprised the first time we ran while the snow was falling lightly - I had never run in cold weather before, and surely not snow!
As spring has found its way back into Michigan, slowly, Carrie and I have started meeting up to run again. She had continued running over the winter and I told Tim that I had to laugh when, starting back into it, I realized we had reversed roles from the previous April. Instead of me encouraging her to go just a little further and letting her know what a great job she was doing, she was doing it for me! I had definitely gotten out of shape, but at the same time it was kind of like riding a bike, my body wanted to run and seemed to pick it back up easier than I thought it would.
This morning she really pushed me. We've been doing maybe around 2 1/2 miles and yesterday she said, "Hey, why don't we go a bit longer tomorrow?"
"Yeah, I was thinking it would be nice to get three miles in," I answered back.
"Or maybe four," she suggested. "We can always take walk breaks."
"What?! Who are you??" I didn't know how to answer. I don't even know if we had gotten up to 4 miles when we were running together before. "Sure. I'll definitely need to walk a bit, though."
"No problem," she said cheerfully.
Miles 2-3 were the most challenging for me. I was pushing myself further than I had in months. Suddenly, an idea came to my head. We had been talking about concerns in our lives and I asked if she wanted to pray about them. So we spent that time praying out loud for each other and for our kids and friends and whatever came to mind. We thanked God for a beautiful morning, the opportunity to be outside running, and healthy bodies. That distance may have ended up being the easiest one for me in the end.
By that time we had decided to push ourselves a little further. Actually, I should say that I stopped resisting Carrie gently pushing me. She's a beast and has been training for her first 10K (see, I've created a monster!) so she is used to these longer runs.
From 4 to just over 4.5 miles, we talked about what running has meant to us. She talked about how it brings her a peace and relieves stress. We talked about how Jesus ultimately does that, but I think that where we feel it spiritually in our soul with Him, running embodies that and puts it into a physical sense. We talked about how it's something that we can take the time to do for ourselves to help us focus on the day and be better moms and wives as a result.
Sometimes I picture my feet while running. Every time a foot comes up, I can visualize the dirt and debris from the sidewalks and roads that are falling back to the earth. I also feel like for me, it's a good illustration of how running relieves my stress. I picture some of my tension, nerves, and stress falling away to the ground with the dirt for every step I run. I feel lighter by the time I get home.
While saying goodbye to Carrie in front of her house, she mentioned how close I was to 5 miles (she has a watch that was tracking our distance.) I decided to run the rest of the way home, past our house a little bit to the corner we started at to make it a full 5 miles, and then walked back home to where morning chaos had begun and the smell of bacon filled the air.
I never, ever, ever thought I would enjoy running. Ever. I thought I was too old to try, like it had to be something you had started while young and in school. I thought it was silly to think I could run more than a mile, and then three. I cannot believe the joy and energy it has brought. Many days, especially weekends, when I return, Tim then heads out for his own run.
Pinterest is where I saw the running joke I mentioned in the beginning of this post. Yesterday Carrie had pinned a statement that fits my life much better now:
"Run - it releases so much more than just sweat."
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Encouragement in Psalm 66
You know how sometimes you've read thing more times than you can count, and yet it doesn't hit you and stick with you until your 37th time reading it?
Yeah, that happens to me, too. It happened to me Monday morning during my quiet time. I was reading Psalm 66 and this part just jumped right off the page at me:
"For you, O God, have tested us;
you have tried us as silver is tried.
You brought us into the net;
you laid a crushing burden on our backs;
you let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and through water;
yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance."
(verses 10-12)
We're going through some challenging times. There are some assessments with one of the kids and we're feeling very weak right now, overwhelmed, a bit relieved that answers might be forthcoming, but when you have that on top of everything else we're involved with on top of Tim's work picking up and him trying to find a helper, life feels like a crushing burden.
I love that this verse says God has tested us - He's allowed all these things that feel crushing, overwhelming, insane to happen.
BUT, But, but.....
"You have brought us out to a place of abundance."
He is not going to leave us crushed, overwhelmed, and crazy. He's going to bring us THROUGH! He's not only going to bring us through but into a place of abundance. Walking through these trials will bring us an abundance of maybe joy, or peace, or a stronger faith, or stronger family relationships. I'm just so relieved He'll bring me through!
If you are having a day that you feel like the whole world is crashing down on you, I hope you'll have great faith that God is trying to bring you through it and draw you closer to Him during your trial. It does not feel easy, but there is a peace when you know He is there.
Yeah, that happens to me, too. It happened to me Monday morning during my quiet time. I was reading Psalm 66 and this part just jumped right off the page at me:
"For you, O God, have tested us;
you have tried us as silver is tried.
You brought us into the net;
you laid a crushing burden on our backs;
you let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and through water;
yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance."
(verses 10-12)
We're going through some challenging times. There are some assessments with one of the kids and we're feeling very weak right now, overwhelmed, a bit relieved that answers might be forthcoming, but when you have that on top of everything else we're involved with on top of Tim's work picking up and him trying to find a helper, life feels like a crushing burden.
I love that this verse says God has tested us - He's allowed all these things that feel crushing, overwhelming, insane to happen.
BUT, But, but.....
"You have brought us out to a place of abundance."
He is not going to leave us crushed, overwhelmed, and crazy. He's going to bring us THROUGH! He's not only going to bring us through but into a place of abundance. Walking through these trials will bring us an abundance of maybe joy, or peace, or a stronger faith, or stronger family relationships. I'm just so relieved He'll bring me through!
If you are having a day that you feel like the whole world is crashing down on you, I hope you'll have great faith that God is trying to bring you through it and draw you closer to Him during your trial. It does not feel easy, but there is a peace when you know He is there.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Shifting
I think parents have a vision of bedtime being this wonderful peaceful way to wind down a day. I see a picture of a family snuggled up on a couch reading stories and praying together before walking kids up to their beds, pulling blankets snugly up around them, kissing sweet angelic cheeks and turning out the light while saying sweetly, "Good night, my lovelies." Then all is quiet in the house while Mom and Dad unwind while reading books and newspapers and magazines.
That's my vision.
This is my reality as of late:
Things are going well through the book reading part. Then comes the bedtime prayer together and, lo and behold, it is as if the younger ones know what comes next and the fight begins. Escaping from bed repeatedly, requests for "one more sip" (often denied since they get a little water before bed), one more trip to the bathroom, non stop talking, etc. Next thing Tim and I know, we're wrapped up in their chaos just to get them to be quiet and go to bed. While trying to enjoy a movie together, there is a constant pausing and exchange of "It's-your-turn" looks until somewhere a half hour or so later, they finally give up and drift off while we are on the verge of quitting parenthood or contemplating telling childless couples to keep their lives simple and don't give in to the "When are you going to have kids?" pressure. Hey, you may not like what I'm saying; I'm just being honest about the feelings in that moment.
You know what bothers me most about all this monkey business? Yes, the disobedience is aggravating and the stalling is exhausting, but what bothers me most is my reactionary attitude. I have gone from those blissful dreams of a lovely bedtime routine - which we have experienced along the way, don't get me wrong - to this raging monster of a mother who has waited all day for some quiet time alone with her husband and is mad that it's being taken over by little buggers. I find it easy to fly off the handle and yell at the kids because I have dealt with them all day long and I just need a break, good night. And honestly, when you're at home you're never on break because even during bedtime you're still there and still a parent. But, anyways, I hate who I am during the bedtime battle. And, yes, I realize that it probably reveals a heart issue, but that's probably for another blog post.
Tonight I caught myself in the battle alone since Tim is at a meeting. About a half hour into it I found my voice starting to get louder and my jaw becoming sore from clenching it while hissing out the words "Get back in bed and be quiet." I don't know what hit me, but as I was walking up the stairs yet again, a voice in my head said, "You have 4 mainly healthy kids. They were given to you. Shift your perspective."
So instead of wishing I was totally alone in the house, I thanked God for my 4 little ones.
Instead of wanting to tape their mouths shut, I gave thanks that they can speak and have healthy sets of lungs.
Instead of losing my patience with their climbing out of bed, I was thankful for their abilities to walk (especially since the youngest two had to have physical therapy to help them walk.)
Who would have thought that less than 5 minutes later, all would be quiet in the house? It was almost as if the battle stopped cold actually. I heard Caleb's voice drift off while singing "Do you want to build a snowman?" (his favorite song at the moment. He sings it all day long, no matter where we are. Just ask the lady in the restroom at Frederick Meijer Gardens yesterday.)
I am not writing this for advice regarding bedtime. We've tried everything and have accepted that this may just be a phase when you have kids...especially when the youngest two are still 4 years old and 2 years old. Noah and Ellie go to bed just fine for us.
I mainly wanted to encourage that sometimes it just takes a shift in perspective to allow God's strength to come upon you. Thankfulness is a powerful thing. It keeps your heart focused on what's important. It's easy to become pessimistic and downtrodden but when your heart is thankful, the rest of you follows.
"And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." ~Colossians 3:17
That's my vision.
This is my reality as of late:
Things are going well through the book reading part. Then comes the bedtime prayer together and, lo and behold, it is as if the younger ones know what comes next and the fight begins. Escaping from bed repeatedly, requests for "one more sip" (often denied since they get a little water before bed), one more trip to the bathroom, non stop talking, etc. Next thing Tim and I know, we're wrapped up in their chaos just to get them to be quiet and go to bed. While trying to enjoy a movie together, there is a constant pausing and exchange of "It's-your-turn" looks until somewhere a half hour or so later, they finally give up and drift off while we are on the verge of quitting parenthood or contemplating telling childless couples to keep their lives simple and don't give in to the "When are you going to have kids?" pressure. Hey, you may not like what I'm saying; I'm just being honest about the feelings in that moment.
You know what bothers me most about all this monkey business? Yes, the disobedience is aggravating and the stalling is exhausting, but what bothers me most is my reactionary attitude. I have gone from those blissful dreams of a lovely bedtime routine - which we have experienced along the way, don't get me wrong - to this raging monster of a mother who has waited all day for some quiet time alone with her husband and is mad that it's being taken over by little buggers. I find it easy to fly off the handle and yell at the kids because I have dealt with them all day long and I just need a break, good night. And honestly, when you're at home you're never on break because even during bedtime you're still there and still a parent. But, anyways, I hate who I am during the bedtime battle. And, yes, I realize that it probably reveals a heart issue, but that's probably for another blog post.
Tonight I caught myself in the battle alone since Tim is at a meeting. About a half hour into it I found my voice starting to get louder and my jaw becoming sore from clenching it while hissing out the words "Get back in bed and be quiet." I don't know what hit me, but as I was walking up the stairs yet again, a voice in my head said, "You have 4 mainly healthy kids. They were given to you. Shift your perspective."
So instead of wishing I was totally alone in the house, I thanked God for my 4 little ones.
Instead of wanting to tape their mouths shut, I gave thanks that they can speak and have healthy sets of lungs.
Instead of losing my patience with their climbing out of bed, I was thankful for their abilities to walk (especially since the youngest two had to have physical therapy to help them walk.)
Who would have thought that less than 5 minutes later, all would be quiet in the house? It was almost as if the battle stopped cold actually. I heard Caleb's voice drift off while singing "Do you want to build a snowman?" (his favorite song at the moment. He sings it all day long, no matter where we are. Just ask the lady in the restroom at Frederick Meijer Gardens yesterday.)
I am not writing this for advice regarding bedtime. We've tried everything and have accepted that this may just be a phase when you have kids...especially when the youngest two are still 4 years old and 2 years old. Noah and Ellie go to bed just fine for us.
I mainly wanted to encourage that sometimes it just takes a shift in perspective to allow God's strength to come upon you. Thankfulness is a powerful thing. It keeps your heart focused on what's important. It's easy to become pessimistic and downtrodden but when your heart is thankful, the rest of you follows.
"And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." ~Colossians 3:17
Friday, March 21, 2014
Lighter
A pen falls upon the paper, writes, lifts up. There is the scratching out of words with pauses to reflect upon what is being said, quietly mumbled awkward and short prayers that the Lord will give the pen the words to write.
It's hard to do something you need to, that God has told you to, but that you don't want to.
Over five years ago, I had a falling out with a family member. I won't go into what the relation is or what the situation was, but it was a large enough incidence that it has changed our entire family dynamic. And when I say "entire" I mean aunts, uncles, cousins, sisters, grandma, entire.
I was blamed for things I didn't do, say, or think and there has been a dump of hurt stinking up my heart since. It hurts worst in the beginning and as time goes by and reconciliation looks more and more impossible, it's easy to live life with incidents forgotten and shoved down under mounds of daily life and present needs.
But sometimes what a heart needs most is to be free...chains broken, light enough to fly, released from bitterness that steeps. It means learning to forgive what most likely won't be confessed and asking for forgiveness for what was your mistake.
Over the years I have thought about writing this letter. Tim has mentioned at random times that I should really write this letter. I didn't want to do it, though. I didn't know where to even begin. So I turned from what God was repeatedly revealing at intervals to me to instead live with my hurt because if I tried hard enough I could make it numb.
After taking last year away from the ladies' Bible study at my church to ease the transition into homeschooling, I was excited to jump back in this year. Little did I know what the year would hold for me. As we have been working through Beth Moore's study on the life of David, I have felt a peeling back of the layers in my heart. When I felt a certain name come into my mind, though, I was quick to push it back down.
I continued to dance around what the Lord was telling me to do, but He was doing it with more persistence and urgency this time. Consistently, I would struggle through this. One week I would feel ready to do it and the next I would go so far as to clamp my mouth shut against a quivering chin and rebellious heart as we did an exercise in forgiveness.
When it came time in David's story to learn about Amnon, Tamar, Absalom, David, and a legion of emotions felt but never dealt with, I knew I couldn't wait any longer. Each week God prepared my heart and soul more for what needed to happen. It was not lightly that I sat down with my notebook and pen and a prayerful heart.
After I wrote it and prayed over it, I shared it with two sage and godly women to check me on tone, motives, and if anything needed to be taken out. I wanted to take responsibility for what was mine, but I didn't want it to be flowery or take responsibility for what was hers.
And then it went into the mail.
I don't know how it will be received. I believe it will be a miracle if there is reconciliation that comes from this. You know what, though? Sometimes you need to do things because it's what right, not because you expect something to come from it
. I needed to be the one to break the ice here. I needed to ask forgiveness for what I had done wrong. I also need to be willing to forgive in my heart the hurt she brought, even if she never asks for it.
And by doing that?
I can go from this moment lighter. I know that God called me to do something and instead of turning and running...again...I acted in obedience. And, really, that's what matters most. My obedience to the Lord. I am not here to make others happy, but to glorify God. He has begun a good work in me (Philippians 1:6) and through my life He is going to keep shaping me and working in me until my day of completion when I join Him.
It's hard to do something you need to, that God has told you to, but that you don't want to.
Over five years ago, I had a falling out with a family member. I won't go into what the relation is or what the situation was, but it was a large enough incidence that it has changed our entire family dynamic. And when I say "entire" I mean aunts, uncles, cousins, sisters, grandma, entire.
I was blamed for things I didn't do, say, or think and there has been a dump of hurt stinking up my heart since. It hurts worst in the beginning and as time goes by and reconciliation looks more and more impossible, it's easy to live life with incidents forgotten and shoved down under mounds of daily life and present needs.
But sometimes what a heart needs most is to be free...chains broken, light enough to fly, released from bitterness that steeps. It means learning to forgive what most likely won't be confessed and asking for forgiveness for what was your mistake.
Over the years I have thought about writing this letter. Tim has mentioned at random times that I should really write this letter. I didn't want to do it, though. I didn't know where to even begin. So I turned from what God was repeatedly revealing at intervals to me to instead live with my hurt because if I tried hard enough I could make it numb.
After taking last year away from the ladies' Bible study at my church to ease the transition into homeschooling, I was excited to jump back in this year. Little did I know what the year would hold for me. As we have been working through Beth Moore's study on the life of David, I have felt a peeling back of the layers in my heart. When I felt a certain name come into my mind, though, I was quick to push it back down.
I continued to dance around what the Lord was telling me to do, but He was doing it with more persistence and urgency this time. Consistently, I would struggle through this. One week I would feel ready to do it and the next I would go so far as to clamp my mouth shut against a quivering chin and rebellious heart as we did an exercise in forgiveness.
When it came time in David's story to learn about Amnon, Tamar, Absalom, David, and a legion of emotions felt but never dealt with, I knew I couldn't wait any longer. Each week God prepared my heart and soul more for what needed to happen. It was not lightly that I sat down with my notebook and pen and a prayerful heart.
After I wrote it and prayed over it, I shared it with two sage and godly women to check me on tone, motives, and if anything needed to be taken out. I wanted to take responsibility for what was mine, but I didn't want it to be flowery or take responsibility for what was hers.
And then it went into the mail.
I don't know how it will be received. I believe it will be a miracle if there is reconciliation that comes from this. You know what, though? Sometimes you need to do things because it's what right, not because you expect something to come from it
. I needed to be the one to break the ice here. I needed to ask forgiveness for what I had done wrong. I also need to be willing to forgive in my heart the hurt she brought, even if she never asks for it.
And by doing that?
I can go from this moment lighter. I know that God called me to do something and instead of turning and running...again...I acted in obedience. And, really, that's what matters most. My obedience to the Lord. I am not here to make others happy, but to glorify God. He has begun a good work in me (Philippians 1:6) and through my life He is going to keep shaping me and working in me until my day of completion when I join Him.
Friday, November 22, 2013
Resting
There is a dishwasher full of clean dishes to be unloaded. Dirty ones pile in the sink waiting for their time. I have stepped over beloved blankies abandoned on the floor before breakfast. A small pile of matchbox cars has been left on the bathroom sink after the owner's hands were cleaned. A stuffed puppy dressed in doll clothes rests anywhere but a small girl's bed. There is a house to clean before Book Club tonight, food to make, things to plan for church nursery this coming Sunday, and a skit to still write out and perform on that same day.
There is a minivan that needs to be cleaned out before embarking on a Thanksgiving visit. There is more food to make. A co-op Thanksgiving lunch following practice for a Christmas program needs to be attended. A simple kids' Christmas program sloppily rolls around in my head and needs to come out onto paper so it can start being practiced this Sunday.
I have little doubt that each home has similar messes, schedules, commitments, and a sense of overwhelm. I haven't slept well for days and since I haven't had my shower to clear my head yet today, it's in a fog. I am cozy wrapped in a big knit cowl with a big slouchy knit hat and a hot cup of chai. I want to close my eyes to everything I see and pretend it's not there for a little bit.
And you know what?
I'm going to.
I'm not going to neglect it all forever, but I'm going to delay it. I need to take a moment to be quiet. Be still. Rest. Gather strength. Gather some of HIS strength.
Thanksgiving is now less than a week away and it is the start of a flurry of what can be a very rushed, stressful season. Not for me. Not this year. This year I will take the time.
When the first real snowfall happens and those big beautiful flakes greet us as we open the curtains in the morning, I'm going to stop and enjoy it.
When kids climb up with a cuddle and blanket and book to read, I'm going to set aside the phone, laptop, notebook, whatever is taking my attention at that moment, and be snuggled with them.
When friends gather at our home to visit, I won't stress about clearing the table quickly after the meal, getting the dishes in the dishwasher, and trying to set a "perfect" atmosphere. Because a near perfect atmosphere is when we're all together laughing, sharing, and enjoying each other...whether dishes are piled on the counter, left on the table, or nestled in the dishwasher.
I have the day ahead to clean my house and make food. I know me - I'll have a schedule laid out by the end of the day that will help me get a grip on the things that need to be done before next Thursday. I do want to be a good steward of my time.
But for now, so that I can enter everything else with calm and not stress and anxiety, I'm going to take the next few minutes and enjoy my chai and some quiet (with the background noise of kids playing happily downstairs - a good soundtrack indeed!)
And I would encourage you to do the same. Take a few minutes and rest. Continue to do so every day.
There is a minivan that needs to be cleaned out before embarking on a Thanksgiving visit. There is more food to make. A co-op Thanksgiving lunch following practice for a Christmas program needs to be attended. A simple kids' Christmas program sloppily rolls around in my head and needs to come out onto paper so it can start being practiced this Sunday.
I have little doubt that each home has similar messes, schedules, commitments, and a sense of overwhelm. I haven't slept well for days and since I haven't had my shower to clear my head yet today, it's in a fog. I am cozy wrapped in a big knit cowl with a big slouchy knit hat and a hot cup of chai. I want to close my eyes to everything I see and pretend it's not there for a little bit.
And you know what?
I'm going to.
I'm not going to neglect it all forever, but I'm going to delay it. I need to take a moment to be quiet. Be still. Rest. Gather strength. Gather some of HIS strength.
Thanksgiving is now less than a week away and it is the start of a flurry of what can be a very rushed, stressful season. Not for me. Not this year. This year I will take the time.
When the first real snowfall happens and those big beautiful flakes greet us as we open the curtains in the morning, I'm going to stop and enjoy it.
When kids climb up with a cuddle and blanket and book to read, I'm going to set aside the phone, laptop, notebook, whatever is taking my attention at that moment, and be snuggled with them.
When friends gather at our home to visit, I won't stress about clearing the table quickly after the meal, getting the dishes in the dishwasher, and trying to set a "perfect" atmosphere. Because a near perfect atmosphere is when we're all together laughing, sharing, and enjoying each other...whether dishes are piled on the counter, left on the table, or nestled in the dishwasher.
I have the day ahead to clean my house and make food. I know me - I'll have a schedule laid out by the end of the day that will help me get a grip on the things that need to be done before next Thursday. I do want to be a good steward of my time.
But for now, so that I can enter everything else with calm and not stress and anxiety, I'm going to take the next few minutes and enjoy my chai and some quiet (with the background noise of kids playing happily downstairs - a good soundtrack indeed!)
And I would encourage you to do the same. Take a few minutes and rest. Continue to do so every day.
Friday, November 08, 2013
Four
Yesterday, while folding the never-ending pile of laundry, I was struck by something I realize I do.
Don't you just hate when that happens sometimes? Especially when you know it's not a good thing you do.
I realized that whenever someone asks how many kids I have, after I answer, "Four" I always follow up with, "Yeah, we only wanted two but God gave us two bonuses."
I thought that because I had switched from calling two of them "unplanned" to "bonuses" I was doing well. Yet yesterday I started wondering why I can't just shut my mouth after I say, "four."
Why do I feel like I need to justify why we have four children? Why do I feel like I need an excuse for having more than two of them? I can't say it's because of the people we're surrounded by. My sister has three, one of my sisters-in-law is pregnant with her third, and my other sister-in-law has SIX! Most of our friends have more than two, many of them are around the three or four mark, some have none. I've never heard any of them apologize for the amount of kids they have, or even don't have.
So, what is my issue?
I think it's that I didn't think I would have this many kids so sometimes I can't even believe my mouth can form the word "four" in response to the question. Or maybe I think it's an excuse for looking like a run-down and ragged mother? "Well, I would look better with two kids, but you know, since I got more than I planned on, I just gave up."
I don't know. Either way, I am actually thankful for this hard realization that knocked me over yesterday. I made a commitment to stop apologizing for the number of kids I have. I envision the next conversation going like this:
Random Person: So, how many kids do you have?
Me: Four
Random Person: Oh, wow. You have your hands full. [Because that is almost always what is said next.]
Me: Yeah, full of awesomeness.
[Ok, maybe not that. Let's try again:]
Me: Yeah, full of great fun and some chaos thrown in to keep it exciting.
[A little more realistic.]
So.
Hello, my name is Andrea. And I have four children.
Don't you just hate when that happens sometimes? Especially when you know it's not a good thing you do.
I realized that whenever someone asks how many kids I have, after I answer, "Four" I always follow up with, "Yeah, we only wanted two but God gave us two bonuses."
I thought that because I had switched from calling two of them "unplanned" to "bonuses" I was doing well. Yet yesterday I started wondering why I can't just shut my mouth after I say, "four."
Why do I feel like I need to justify why we have four children? Why do I feel like I need an excuse for having more than two of them? I can't say it's because of the people we're surrounded by. My sister has three, one of my sisters-in-law is pregnant with her third, and my other sister-in-law has SIX! Most of our friends have more than two, many of them are around the three or four mark, some have none. I've never heard any of them apologize for the amount of kids they have, or even don't have.
So, what is my issue?
I think it's that I didn't think I would have this many kids so sometimes I can't even believe my mouth can form the word "four" in response to the question. Or maybe I think it's an excuse for looking like a run-down and ragged mother? "Well, I would look better with two kids, but you know, since I got more than I planned on, I just gave up."
I don't know. Either way, I am actually thankful for this hard realization that knocked me over yesterday. I made a commitment to stop apologizing for the number of kids I have. I envision the next conversation going like this:
Random Person: So, how many kids do you have?
Me: Four
Random Person: Oh, wow. You have your hands full. [Because that is almost always what is said next.]
Me: Yeah, full of awesomeness.
[Ok, maybe not that. Let's try again:]
Me: Yeah, full of great fun and some chaos thrown in to keep it exciting.
[A little more realistic.]
So.
Hello, my name is Andrea. And I have four children.
They're pretty stinkin' cool and I love them to pieces.
Friday, November 01, 2013
Learning On A Blanket
Doing schoolwork at the beach with our friends, the Docters
Last year, I had no idea what I was doing. People had told me to be flexible with schooling and so I started the year flexible to a fault. Our first day was horrible and ended with Noah and myself in tears. I went back to the drawing board and found a great website, confessionsofahomeschooler.com, and I was so inspired by her schooling approach that I tried to copy hers.
It worked for a short amount of time...kind of. So I went back to the drawing board again. This time I tried to copy the "regular" school approach. I incorporated unit studies and made it try to seem like a school day Noah was used to from the public schools.
It worked for another short amount of time.
Somewhere around November/December, we hit a groove, but it never really felt comfortable. I was constantly doubting myself and what I was teaching, what I may be missing, and I felt clueless in many ways. It seemed like the year before he had enjoyed writing assignments at school. However, at home, it always turned into a huge battle with me frustrated and him in tears.
Actually, there were many days that ended in tears for him. Many times the phrase, "I hate homeschooling. I just want to go back to real school" was expressed. It hurt. Thankfully, my sister-in-law who also homeschools was a huge encouragement.
Despite the fact that our first year did not go as I had anticipated, we ended the year on a pretty good note and Tim and I felt even more confident that this is the journey our family is meant to walk. I was very excited as a couple of my close friends decided to also homeschool their children going into this year. There is something very refreshing about community!
Going into this year, I had my planner filled out up to Christmas. I had my Science, Math, Geography, Copywork, History, and Reading Comprehension curriculum ready to go. We signed up for a new co-op that was starting in our area. They offer music, art, and gym for the kids. We were so excited about everything that we started school a week earlier than we had planned!
Zeke at co-op...tired out
I haven't opened my planner since the second week of school. Every time Noah saw the Reading Comprehension book, he was practically in tears before we started. I tried two different approaches to it and still he stressed out every time. I realized I was slipping into a pattern of trying to copy the public school...again.
A woman from co-op hosted a Homeschool Support Group night where a speaker - a wonderful woman who has been a teacher herself, sent her oldest two kids through the public school system and homeschooled her younger two children - shared her story with us. She also talked about Common Core, and the majority of the time was spent doing Question and Answer.
Such a weight was lifted off my shoulders! As she talked, I realized that the way I desired to do school was more than ok! However, it's a different approach and so I'd always been nervous to do it. There is formal homeschooling, using curriculum and schedule and tests and workbooks and manipulatives, that looks more like a traditional school layout. Many families thrive in this set up and it works for them. It is what I was trying to copy doing, but it just wasn't working for me or my kids.
Then there is informal homeschooling, and that's where we fall. We don't stick to a strict schedule. We try to start school at 9:00, but if it's 9:15 or 9:30 or 10:00 before we crack open a book, we don't let that throw us off.
But wait, you may be thinking. Don't you care about teaching your kids the importance of being on time?
I do! That is why, when we go to church, an appointment or an event, or we're meeting someone for a playdate or whatever else, they learn the importance of being on time. I tell them what time we need to leave and when they will need to start getting their shoes and coats on. Sometimes we run late, but I think that's typical of many families with kids. We certainly try not to make a habit of it.
How in the world are we teaching our kids other important things?
BOOKS!!
Our family LOVES books. We love to read - together, individually, however we can. Noah reads to his younger siblings, Tim reads to them before bed, I read with Noah and Ellie during the afternoon, they all look at books throughout the day. I am finding this is one of the best ways for our family to learn.
Field trip to Potter Park Zoo with the Docters and Bakers
Last Friday we were meeting some other homeschool families at a local farm for a tour. On the way there, I was reflecting on some things I had learned the night before - which was the second Homeschool Support Group meeting - on development and if we should be concerned about our kids knowing certain things by certain ages. I thought again about how Noah most likely could not diagram a sentence; I'm not even sure he could tell you what a noun, adjective, or verb is, although I did teach it to him last year.
From the back of the van I hear him ask me, "Hey, Mom! Did you know that the first letter of the Greek alphabet is called Alpha and the second is beta, and that's where the word alphabet came from? And did you know that the Greeks had everyone around them learn to speak their language so that they could all understand each other?"
"Well, no, buddy," I answered him. "I don't know if I did know that. How do you know it?"
"I read it in my Magic Tree House book," he said.
Huh. Now, I know - and we have been teaching him - that not everything you read in a book (outside of the Bible) is true. But he sure does learn a lot of things about history in these Magic Tree House Books. I would really recommend them. And, yes, some mention Egyptian gods and Roman gods, and those are books that have been great springboards for our family to talk about our faith, how it differs, and reiterate why we believe what we do.
Another example is what a woman at the meeting the night before had shared. She said she has a son who does NOT like school. He does, however, LOVE forensic science. She uses what he is interested in to help him learn - math, science, reading...it can all stem from forensic science. They visit the library and they found an FBI, Jr. website.
While crocheting a baby blanket for our friend, Christina,
we used the blanket to talk about patterns and addition/subtraction (Ellie),
multiplication (Noah), and colors (Caleb.)
Whew. Sorry, I probably got a bit intense there.
While learning about the Ice Age, they tried to see how long
they could hold an ice cube in their hand.
So how has this approach changed us?
*I'm enjoying my kids more. Yes, in some ways I have to think and plan a little more since I'm not relying on a laid-out curriculum. It is so neat to learn alongside them many things I didn't know!
Ellie drew this picture of the two of us and it makes my heart smile.
Homeschooling has actually been good in nurturing our mother/daughter relationship.
"Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand."
*It helps my kids see practical application. I remember asking a high school math teacher, "When am I ever going to use this?" The answer: "Someday when you're an adult." I never have, though.
I love what the speaker said was her desire, and that of her husband: that their children love the Lord, love reading, and love learning. That would determine "success" in their home. Those are things that have always resonated with Tim and I so it felt natural to look at our schooling in the same light.
"You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might." -Deuteronomy 6:5
"And the child grew and became strong, filled with wisdom. And the favor of God was upon him." -Luke 2:40
Does this mean our home is perfect and always peaceful? No way. In fact, I just told my two oldest to get their feet out of each other's faces and stop touching each other. My preschooler still drives me crazy. Yet I wouldn't trade these days for the quiet emptiness of an empty nest...yet. :)
P.S. This post is in no way meant to cause anyone to feel guilt for the decisions they make in the education of their children. I believe each family is called to prayerfully consider what is best for their individual family. If that is public school, private school, formal homeschool, informal homeschool, or "un-schooling"...each family needs to reach that decision without the judgment of others. This writing was mainly for me to share how we have made a shift within our teaching/learning and how it has been better for our family.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Struggle
I've been struggling lately.
I was talking about it with a friend tonight who has been enduring some struggles of her own.
I have felt down.
Depressed.
Lonely.
Overwhelmed.
Like a failure.
Busy, busy, busy, trying to catch a breath within it all.
Yesterday, while having a rough time with my kids during our school time, I actually threatened to send them to public school.
Then I thought to myself - Who actually threatens to send their kid to public school??
A lot of women, it turns out, as I found out today while at our homeschool co-op and listening to other moms who have also been struggling recently. Five other moms confessed to doing the same thing already this week!
I have been struggling with Caleb the most when it comes to feeling like a Mom failure. I listen to him try to talk and, while he has come so far, many people still struggle to understand him. He's been through speech therapy. Do I send him on to the special education program at the public school where he will be put through more classes? He's already in chiropractic care and it has definitely helped - do I just continue with that? What decisions do we make that don't fail our child's future?
He struggles with aggression, often stemming from not being understood, yet I think also coming from being 3 years old and being 3rd out of 4 kids. He's trying to find his place and make his place and it's not always very friendly. I feel like he's struggled since birth, right from his being born. He's a little fighter...in many ways.
I just feel like I'm failing him somehow. Mostly him. Noah is thriving. Ellie is excelling. Zeke is a little parrot trying to mimic what everyone is saying and doing as he learns. Caleb is in a challenging stage right now and I walk around nervous that any decision I make could be wrong. I have been trying to remind myself today how I never thought I would survive 2-5 years old with Ellie and now she's on the other side and it's such a breath of fresh air. Maybe I'm just back there but with Caleb, praying it won't last as long.
I listen to all these new homeschooling moms with their lesson plans and schedules and the way they are on task and I wonder if I'm not doing enough. I have a planner but we're pretty loose in following it. I have to remind myself that it's ok when our plans for the day change and that's one of the reasons we chose to homeschool - the flexibility. If we end up throwing math, science, copywork, and history out the window for a day to be outside and enjoying each other then that's ok because it's strengthening our family relationships and encouraging sibling bonding. That's going to be more important 20 years down the road when they're adults then them knowing the 5 characteristics of a mammal (which they can tell you, so I don't feel like a total teacher failure this week.)
On top of all those emotions, I just feel drained. Between trying to sell a house and be on the search for a new house, involved with things at church, and Tim working loooong hours to get a house finished (a 3 week job that has turned into 7 weeks), I think I'm hitting a wall. My body hit it and is now sick, but you can't really find much time to rest when you're husband's not home to help when the kids are awake. Blessings upon the single parents out there, because I could not do this for a long period of time.
And this week marks the 9 year anniversary of my miscarriage, which for me has a 2 day significance of finding out the baby was not alive on September 16th and having a D&C on September 18th. Just one more thing to add to my emotions.
This is a downer of a post and I am sorry. I guess I just wanted to put it out there because I have been talking to so many other moms in the last couple days who seem to be feeling the same way. I guess I just wanted to say that if you are feeling it - you're not alone! There must be something in the air or water.
You know what the GREAT thing is in all of this, though??
We're NOT actually failures. We're not alone though we feel lonely. We ARE in struggles, sure, but some Scripture came to my head tonight while I was collapsed on the couch from tucking Caleb into bed for the fifth time. The first is Ephesians 6:12:
10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. 11 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. 12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. 14 Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. 16 In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; 17 and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, 18 praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication.
The second is John 16:33:
33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.
So. The Bible has told me I will have tribulation, trouble. That sure feels like my week. It also says that I'm not actually wrestling against flesh and blood but against cosmic powers over this present darkness. Well that also sounds like my last couple of weeks with the emotional lows. It also gives me armor to put on, thankfully. I just have to be the one to do it. Finally, this passage is what I've been repeating over and over tonight, 2 Corinthians 12:9:
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
I am weak. Thankfully, I have a powerful God who gives me strength. If I was always strong and thinking I could handle things on my own, what need would I have for a Savior?
The lyrics of this song speak so much to me this week. I hope they do as well to you.
Lord, I need You
Oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense
My righteousness
Oh, God, how I need You....
I was talking about it with a friend tonight who has been enduring some struggles of her own.
I have felt down.
Depressed.
Lonely.
Overwhelmed.
Like a failure.
Busy, busy, busy, trying to catch a breath within it all.
Yesterday, while having a rough time with my kids during our school time, I actually threatened to send them to public school.
Then I thought to myself - Who actually threatens to send their kid to public school??
A lot of women, it turns out, as I found out today while at our homeschool co-op and listening to other moms who have also been struggling recently. Five other moms confessed to doing the same thing already this week!
I have been struggling with Caleb the most when it comes to feeling like a Mom failure. I listen to him try to talk and, while he has come so far, many people still struggle to understand him. He's been through speech therapy. Do I send him on to the special education program at the public school where he will be put through more classes? He's already in chiropractic care and it has definitely helped - do I just continue with that? What decisions do we make that don't fail our child's future?
He struggles with aggression, often stemming from not being understood, yet I think also coming from being 3 years old and being 3rd out of 4 kids. He's trying to find his place and make his place and it's not always very friendly. I feel like he's struggled since birth, right from his being born. He's a little fighter...in many ways.
I just feel like I'm failing him somehow. Mostly him. Noah is thriving. Ellie is excelling. Zeke is a little parrot trying to mimic what everyone is saying and doing as he learns. Caleb is in a challenging stage right now and I walk around nervous that any decision I make could be wrong. I have been trying to remind myself today how I never thought I would survive 2-5 years old with Ellie and now she's on the other side and it's such a breath of fresh air. Maybe I'm just back there but with Caleb, praying it won't last as long.
I listen to all these new homeschooling moms with their lesson plans and schedules and the way they are on task and I wonder if I'm not doing enough. I have a planner but we're pretty loose in following it. I have to remind myself that it's ok when our plans for the day change and that's one of the reasons we chose to homeschool - the flexibility. If we end up throwing math, science, copywork, and history out the window for a day to be outside and enjoying each other then that's ok because it's strengthening our family relationships and encouraging sibling bonding. That's going to be more important 20 years down the road when they're adults then them knowing the 5 characteristics of a mammal (which they can tell you, so I don't feel like a total teacher failure this week.)
On top of all those emotions, I just feel drained. Between trying to sell a house and be on the search for a new house, involved with things at church, and Tim working loooong hours to get a house finished (a 3 week job that has turned into 7 weeks), I think I'm hitting a wall. My body hit it and is now sick, but you can't really find much time to rest when you're husband's not home to help when the kids are awake. Blessings upon the single parents out there, because I could not do this for a long period of time.
And this week marks the 9 year anniversary of my miscarriage, which for me has a 2 day significance of finding out the baby was not alive on September 16th and having a D&C on September 18th. Just one more thing to add to my emotions.
This is a downer of a post and I am sorry. I guess I just wanted to put it out there because I have been talking to so many other moms in the last couple days who seem to be feeling the same way. I guess I just wanted to say that if you are feeling it - you're not alone! There must be something in the air or water.
You know what the GREAT thing is in all of this, though??
We're NOT actually failures. We're not alone though we feel lonely. We ARE in struggles, sure, but some Scripture came to my head tonight while I was collapsed on the couch from tucking Caleb into bed for the fifth time. The first is Ephesians 6:12:
10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. 11 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. 12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. 14 Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. 16 In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; 17 and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, 18 praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication.
The second is John 16:33:
33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.
So. The Bible has told me I will have tribulation, trouble. That sure feels like my week. It also says that I'm not actually wrestling against flesh and blood but against cosmic powers over this present darkness. Well that also sounds like my last couple of weeks with the emotional lows. It also gives me armor to put on, thankfully. I just have to be the one to do it. Finally, this passage is what I've been repeating over and over tonight, 2 Corinthians 12:9:
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
I am weak. Thankfully, I have a powerful God who gives me strength. If I was always strong and thinking I could handle things on my own, what need would I have for a Savior?
The lyrics of this song speak so much to me this week. I hope they do as well to you.
Oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense
My righteousness
Oh, God, how I need You....
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Throwback Thursday
I keep seeing this topic of Throwback Thursday, so when I stumbled across this picture below I figured I would send out my own Throwback.
This is Noah's hospital picture. I can't believe he turned 8 years old last week! Where has the time gone? We love him!
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Butterlies
Just stopping in for a quick hello.
We had our first day of a new homeschool co-op we're participating in this year. It went really well. The kids thought it was great and can't wait to go back next week. They're making new friends and having fun.
Originally, I was going to start our homeschool year on Labor Day Monday, but I think we're ready to start getting into a schedule and regular routine so we're going to start this coming Monday instead. I get butterflies in my stomach when I think of it. Good butterflies, but they're there all the same.
Last year was such a transitional year for us since it was our first time learning outside of the "normal school" environment. I'm not sure yet what to call this year. I want to find a verse, too. Last year we used, Luke 2:40:
And the child grew and became strong, filled with wisdom. And the favor of God was upon him.
I may even use the same verse again. We'll see. Lots of thinking going on in my head right now.
But for now, to bed.
We had our first day of a new homeschool co-op we're participating in this year. It went really well. The kids thought it was great and can't wait to go back next week. They're making new friends and having fun.
Originally, I was going to start our homeschool year on Labor Day Monday, but I think we're ready to start getting into a schedule and regular routine so we're going to start this coming Monday instead. I get butterflies in my stomach when I think of it. Good butterflies, but they're there all the same.
Last year was such a transitional year for us since it was our first time learning outside of the "normal school" environment. I'm not sure yet what to call this year. I want to find a verse, too. Last year we used, Luke 2:40:
And the child grew and became strong, filled with wisdom. And the favor of God was upon him.
I may even use the same verse again. We'll see. Lots of thinking going on in my head right now.
But for now, to bed.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
To The Mom at the Library Today
Dear fellow mom,
I was sitting on the floor, leaning against a bookshelf in the children's section at the library, watching my 19 month old play with blocks. A young girl plopped next to me, took Zeke into her lap, and started talking away to him, stroking her fingers against his arms and patting his head. I was a bit surprised that a stranger would come and so boldly do that, and I think Zeke was a bit surprised as well, but he just looked at her and didn't resist. I looked at her, too. I noticed her Asian heritage and her Down Syndrome features. She and I sat in conversation until we were joined by a younger girl, also Asian, also Special Needs, who demanded we face a different direction and watch her play with the large circular turning ball maze thing on the wall. We were joined by my 3 year old, who was quizzed by this younger girl on the colors of the balls, and I wanted to laugh every time she referred to each of us as "Sweetie Pie" since it made her sound so much older than even me.
I can understand your embarrassment when you found your daughter holding my toddler. I would probably make apologies as well if my children were found holding babies that were strangers. But it really didn't bother me. Both girls were so sweet and gentle and loving and I was right there with them. I made certain to try to assure you of all that. You were so apologetic.
My heart cheered for your older daughter when you told me how far she'd come in being gentle with young children and how she is finally able to be your teenage helper in your church nursery. You could just see this genuine and large love she has for small ones.
And then my heart broke. It broke when you shared how people at your church would see your daughter coming and they would pick up their babies and walk in the other direction. It hurt for you when you told me that you and your husband had gotten more than you bargained for when you got these girls. How you said that 99% of the time you're simply exhausted and weary.
By this time Zeke had gotten up to walk around and it looked like he was followed by ducklings with the way your girls walked after him, so attentive. And within the second it took me to look at you while you were speaking, your eldest tried to hug Zeke and he tripped, and fell backward, hitting his head on the floor. I saw the way you tried to hold it together to not speak more harshly to your daughter, while still scolding her with a "That's why you can't hold babies!" I understand, truly. He calmed so quickly, however, and truly - he falls all throughout the day and this was a pretty small one.
But you gathered your girls up and relented to letting them give Zeke hugs and "I'm sorry"s while I held him. Then you tried to usher them to the checkout desk and out the door. I could hear in your voice how very tired you were, how frustrated and ready to snap you seemed.
I felt a prompting to go hug you. Just to walk over to the desk, give you a hug, and tell you that you are a good mom. What you're doing is a hard thing, but a good thing. You welcomed into your home girls who were unwelcome in their world. You are weary, yes. You are faced with parenting challenges I cannot relate to, yes. But these girls are sweet, and it sounds like they have grown and continue to grow under your mothering.
And I ignored it. I watched you all walk away and felt an immediate guilt for not following the Spirit's prompting to encourage another mother, another tired, weary, worn out, doubt-filled sister. I apologize. I know how many times I just want someone to hug me and give a word of encouragement, remind me that the days are long but the years are short, and that it's ok to just have a good long cry sometimes. I should have done that for you.
I will let it be a reminder to me the importance of encouraging others.
"But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called "today," that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin."
~Hebrews 3:13
I was sitting on the floor, leaning against a bookshelf in the children's section at the library, watching my 19 month old play with blocks. A young girl plopped next to me, took Zeke into her lap, and started talking away to him, stroking her fingers against his arms and patting his head. I was a bit surprised that a stranger would come and so boldly do that, and I think Zeke was a bit surprised as well, but he just looked at her and didn't resist. I looked at her, too. I noticed her Asian heritage and her Down Syndrome features. She and I sat in conversation until we were joined by a younger girl, also Asian, also Special Needs, who demanded we face a different direction and watch her play with the large circular turning ball maze thing on the wall. We were joined by my 3 year old, who was quizzed by this younger girl on the colors of the balls, and I wanted to laugh every time she referred to each of us as "Sweetie Pie" since it made her sound so much older than even me.
I can understand your embarrassment when you found your daughter holding my toddler. I would probably make apologies as well if my children were found holding babies that were strangers. But it really didn't bother me. Both girls were so sweet and gentle and loving and I was right there with them. I made certain to try to assure you of all that. You were so apologetic.
My heart cheered for your older daughter when you told me how far she'd come in being gentle with young children and how she is finally able to be your teenage helper in your church nursery. You could just see this genuine and large love she has for small ones.
And then my heart broke. It broke when you shared how people at your church would see your daughter coming and they would pick up their babies and walk in the other direction. It hurt for you when you told me that you and your husband had gotten more than you bargained for when you got these girls. How you said that 99% of the time you're simply exhausted and weary.
By this time Zeke had gotten up to walk around and it looked like he was followed by ducklings with the way your girls walked after him, so attentive. And within the second it took me to look at you while you were speaking, your eldest tried to hug Zeke and he tripped, and fell backward, hitting his head on the floor. I saw the way you tried to hold it together to not speak more harshly to your daughter, while still scolding her with a "That's why you can't hold babies!" I understand, truly. He calmed so quickly, however, and truly - he falls all throughout the day and this was a pretty small one.
But you gathered your girls up and relented to letting them give Zeke hugs and "I'm sorry"s while I held him. Then you tried to usher them to the checkout desk and out the door. I could hear in your voice how very tired you were, how frustrated and ready to snap you seemed.
I felt a prompting to go hug you. Just to walk over to the desk, give you a hug, and tell you that you are a good mom. What you're doing is a hard thing, but a good thing. You welcomed into your home girls who were unwelcome in their world. You are weary, yes. You are faced with parenting challenges I cannot relate to, yes. But these girls are sweet, and it sounds like they have grown and continue to grow under your mothering.
And I ignored it. I watched you all walk away and felt an immediate guilt for not following the Spirit's prompting to encourage another mother, another tired, weary, worn out, doubt-filled sister. I apologize. I know how many times I just want someone to hug me and give a word of encouragement, remind me that the days are long but the years are short, and that it's ok to just have a good long cry sometimes. I should have done that for you.
I will let it be a reminder to me the importance of encouraging others.
"But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called "today," that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin."
~Hebrews 3:13
Friday, June 07, 2013
Flashback
What we were doing a year ago. The kids and I went to my parents for a couple days to celebrate Noah being done with school.
Thursday, June 06, 2013
Halfway Point Check-In
Since we are here at the beginning of June, I thought I would check in with the goals I shared back here since this puts us halfway through the year.
Health/Exercise - Our eating habits have definitely changed here! I am still eating gluten free and feeling good, and I've drastically decreased the amount of gluten the rest of the family was eating. As a result, we have noticed positive changes in everyone's attitudes and behavior. Don't get me wrong - we still have our moments! Especially when, after the kids have been eating gluten-free for a few days, and then they have something - maybe a hamburger bun, or tortilla shell, or a cookie somewhere - we see a switch in them that causes some difficult moments.
Tim and I have been exercising 6-7 days a week. Tim especially has surprised me. He gets up between 5:30 and 6:00, exercises to online videos, reads his Bible, spends some time doing paperwork for his business, and then gets ready for work. I am so proud of him! He is creating some great habits. My friend, Carrie, and I have been working through the guide to running a 5K that is laid out in a good book called, Running Made Easy. I know, the title made me laugh, too. Running - easy?? Yet, we've only been running for a little over a month and are already up to 2 1/2 miles this week. On days we don't run, I try to do arm workouts and just added abs in this week. I have dropped 2 dress sizes since January and best of all, my body FEELS so much healthier! There are 2 different 5Ks I am planning on running later this summer, and in the fall, my friend, Jen, and I are running our first 10K.
Finances - About a month ago we started meeting with a financial adviser/counselor. He has been so helpful. It's like being in a counseling session yet covering finances as well. I didn't realize how much stress and tension is relieved by having an outside party to referee/mentor us. Is there any couple out there who is able to talk about finances together without tensing up? I would love to meet you!
Part of our challenge is that Tim's business is growing (a praise! Thank You, God!) but we want to be staying on top of things and making sure we're doing things correctly and well. Owning a small business is no small deal, and we don't want to drown ourselves with a lack of knowledge or by being too prideful to ask for help. Since we started meeting with Jim, he has helped us see how we need to separate business and household. It's a lot of learning and challenges, but we can see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and things should run smoother.
So as for being debt-free, I think it's possible still. Actually, I almost think it's more possible since we have more of a plan in place. We also have added a goal of taking our first family vacation this year. We'd love to go to Florida - not Disney, though.
Homeschool - we have finished our first year! We all survived! The kids and I sat down together last week and talked about the positives and negatives of this past year and what they would like to learn about next year and what kind of changes we could make. We are all excited to begin again in the fall. We'll still review things we've learned throughout the summer so that things stay fresh in their head. I don't want to spend the first weeks back into our fall reviewing everything they just worked so hard to learn. We are also excited about different families we know who are also starting the homeschool process in the fall, as well as some different opportunities we'd like to participate in.
Faith - I have been using the devotional book, Jesus Today, by Sarah Young, and continue to be so blessed by it. The Lord really uses that little book to speak to me, encourage me, correct me, and remind me of His love. This is also the first stretch of time that I have consistently used a prayer journal. I have tried it in the past and never get more than a couple days into it, but now it has become so much a part of my quiet time and I love having documentation of prayers that end up being answered. I think one of the greatest things is that when the kids see me sitting with it and my Bible by my side, they know that is my time praying and spending time with the Lord and they know that is a time when Mommy is not available unless it is an emergency. I try to have it done before they wake up in the morning, but that doesn't always happen.
And to go back to the verse-of-the-year for our household:
Hebrews 12:11-13 - "For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed."
Our hands are drooping less and our knees are getting stronger, but we're still learning discipline - and feel like we're failing at it at times - but praise the Lord, He keeps healing us!
Health/Exercise - Our eating habits have definitely changed here! I am still eating gluten free and feeling good, and I've drastically decreased the amount of gluten the rest of the family was eating. As a result, we have noticed positive changes in everyone's attitudes and behavior. Don't get me wrong - we still have our moments! Especially when, after the kids have been eating gluten-free for a few days, and then they have something - maybe a hamburger bun, or tortilla shell, or a cookie somewhere - we see a switch in them that causes some difficult moments.
Tim and I have been exercising 6-7 days a week. Tim especially has surprised me. He gets up between 5:30 and 6:00, exercises to online videos, reads his Bible, spends some time doing paperwork for his business, and then gets ready for work. I am so proud of him! He is creating some great habits. My friend, Carrie, and I have been working through the guide to running a 5K that is laid out in a good book called, Running Made Easy. I know, the title made me laugh, too. Running - easy?? Yet, we've only been running for a little over a month and are already up to 2 1/2 miles this week. On days we don't run, I try to do arm workouts and just added abs in this week. I have dropped 2 dress sizes since January and best of all, my body FEELS so much healthier! There are 2 different 5Ks I am planning on running later this summer, and in the fall, my friend, Jen, and I are running our first 10K.
Finances - About a month ago we started meeting with a financial adviser/counselor. He has been so helpful. It's like being in a counseling session yet covering finances as well. I didn't realize how much stress and tension is relieved by having an outside party to referee/mentor us. Is there any couple out there who is able to talk about finances together without tensing up? I would love to meet you!
Part of our challenge is that Tim's business is growing (a praise! Thank You, God!) but we want to be staying on top of things and making sure we're doing things correctly and well. Owning a small business is no small deal, and we don't want to drown ourselves with a lack of knowledge or by being too prideful to ask for help. Since we started meeting with Jim, he has helped us see how we need to separate business and household. It's a lot of learning and challenges, but we can see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and things should run smoother.
So as for being debt-free, I think it's possible still. Actually, I almost think it's more possible since we have more of a plan in place. We also have added a goal of taking our first family vacation this year. We'd love to go to Florida - not Disney, though.
Homeschool - we have finished our first year! We all survived! The kids and I sat down together last week and talked about the positives and negatives of this past year and what they would like to learn about next year and what kind of changes we could make. We are all excited to begin again in the fall. We'll still review things we've learned throughout the summer so that things stay fresh in their head. I don't want to spend the first weeks back into our fall reviewing everything they just worked so hard to learn. We are also excited about different families we know who are also starting the homeschool process in the fall, as well as some different opportunities we'd like to participate in.
Faith - I have been using the devotional book, Jesus Today, by Sarah Young, and continue to be so blessed by it. The Lord really uses that little book to speak to me, encourage me, correct me, and remind me of His love. This is also the first stretch of time that I have consistently used a prayer journal. I have tried it in the past and never get more than a couple days into it, but now it has become so much a part of my quiet time and I love having documentation of prayers that end up being answered. I think one of the greatest things is that when the kids see me sitting with it and my Bible by my side, they know that is my time praying and spending time with the Lord and they know that is a time when Mommy is not available unless it is an emergency. I try to have it done before they wake up in the morning, but that doesn't always happen.
And to go back to the verse-of-the-year for our household:
Hebrews 12:11-13 - "For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed."
Our hands are drooping less and our knees are getting stronger, but we're still learning discipline - and feel like we're failing at it at times - but praise the Lord, He keeps healing us!
Wednesday, June 05, 2013
Tuesday, June 04, 2013
Tuesday Treat - A Healthy Snack
3 ingredients?
No turning on the oven?
No sugar, wheat, dairy, or eggs?
Sold.
These healthy no-bake bars are delicious! We make them once or twice a week in our home for a snack and my kids ask for them for dessert sometimes. The ingredients are just 1 cup of natural peanut butter, 1 cup of honey, and 3 cups of old fashioned oatmeal. I have tried a batch with a little bit of dark cocoa added to it but actually preferred it without. Although maybe I would try it with some mini chocolate chips pressed in. I also would recommend keeping them in the fridge. There is something delicious about them being chilled.
Give them a try. They're easy, fast, healthy, and delicious! What more could you ask for?
No turning on the oven?
No sugar, wheat, dairy, or eggs?
Sold.
These healthy no-bake bars are delicious! We make them once or twice a week in our home for a snack and my kids ask for them for dessert sometimes. The ingredients are just 1 cup of natural peanut butter, 1 cup of honey, and 3 cups of old fashioned oatmeal. I have tried a batch with a little bit of dark cocoa added to it but actually preferred it without. Although maybe I would try it with some mini chocolate chips pressed in. I also would recommend keeping them in the fridge. There is something delicious about them being chilled.
Give them a try. They're easy, fast, healthy, and delicious! What more could you ask for?
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Don't Know Much Biology...
While taking a moment to lie down on the bench rocker on our back deck to soak up some Vitamin D, I closed my eyes and hoped for a little catnap while the younger boys slept. A moment later, I could feel several small spasms/twitches along the inner side of my right foot. I opened my eyes and found that every time I felt a spasm, my big toe jerked to the side.
It's one of those surreal moments, really. I'm looking at my toe moving about in an obvious manner, but not actually initiating the movement by thought. It reminded me why I am constantly amazed by the human body.
I've always been a little bit of a nerd about the body and started college as a Biology major. The only problems were that (a) I had no interest in Chemistry or desire to sit through science classes like that, and (b) I had no idea what I wanted to do upon graduating with a Biology degree. So I switched to Communication Arts, which is an entirely different story. One memory that sticks in my head is from junior high. I was walking down the hall with my friend, Karen, and out of nowhere said, "Isn't it so cool the way we just walk without even thinking about it? I mean, our legs are just moving right now but we don't actually have to think about making them move - we just walk." To which she responded with a look that read, "You're losing your mind" and the subject was dropped.
Our household has started seeing a chiropractor recently. I've been wanting to see one for awhile but was just kind of lazy about doing it. Finally, I got on the ball and found one in our area who met the requirements we had (we were looking for someone who does nutritional stuff as well.) I am so glad we have started going!
Tim's job as a painter means that Dr. Levi has his work cut out for him. He has some issues, which makes sense if you think about the movements and strain his body is experiencing throughout the day. I had some minor things that needed adjustments and, thankfully, am almost into the maintenance mode. Ellie and Zeke were probably the least concerns - although I will say this: Zeke is 17 months old today and not walking. He would stand for small amounts of time on his own, and walk holding your fingers and around furniture or behind a push toy, but would not try it by himself. He's had 2 appointments and at yesterday's, Dr. Levi mentioned his right hip being a bit locked up and did a couple adjustments. Since then, he has been standing on his own for long amounts of time and even, after pulling himself up next to the toilet last night after his bath, looked at us and smiled before letting go and taking 4 or 5 steps across the bathroom. Coincidence? Possibly, but the timing sure was interesting.
Noah's lower back was very locked up and contained lots of tension. I was asked if he has bathroom issues (which he does) and the connection was explained. He also told Noah that he should have less problems running and being active. Again, this was interesting to me because there are many times Noah wants to be active and do something - soccer, running, baseball, but then when he actually tries it...he ends up wanting to quit minutes later and does not like it. He really only enjoys riding his bike for activity. Maybe a connection? He hasn't tried going for a run or anything since - and he's only had 2 visits - but it will be interesting to see what he says or if it feels easier for him.
And Caleb. He's up there with Tim on needing more work than the rest of us. Caleb's birth can be described as a Traumatic Birth Experience because the doctor ended up using the vacuum suction to help him out. My mom, over the last couple years, has wanted me to take him to a chiropractor or a massage therapist who does cranial sacral work to see if it would help since he's had physical and speech delays. I never got around to doing it, but now he has it done at his chiropractor appointments. He's sleeping better at night as a result and we're seeing improvements in him each week, although there is still work to be done.
When I started writing this, I didn't expect to go into all that! I think I'm just kind of surprised at how much improvement we've felt in our bodies once they started being realigned to what they need to be. Yet, I don't know why I am because when I stop to think about it, it makes perfect sense why our bodies would function better when things are closer to the way they were created to be.
So if you have a moment today, stop and marvel at the human body and the way God creates us. We have all these nerves and muscles and organs that create this house for our souls. Most of the time we move throughout the day, not even really thinking about what our body is actually doing or enduring.
I know this Scripture can seem like it's on everything at times - especially if it's baby related - but I think it really does fit this post:
It's one of those surreal moments, really. I'm looking at my toe moving about in an obvious manner, but not actually initiating the movement by thought. It reminded me why I am constantly amazed by the human body.
I've always been a little bit of a nerd about the body and started college as a Biology major. The only problems were that (a) I had no interest in Chemistry or desire to sit through science classes like that, and (b) I had no idea what I wanted to do upon graduating with a Biology degree. So I switched to Communication Arts, which is an entirely different story. One memory that sticks in my head is from junior high. I was walking down the hall with my friend, Karen, and out of nowhere said, "Isn't it so cool the way we just walk without even thinking about it? I mean, our legs are just moving right now but we don't actually have to think about making them move - we just walk." To which she responded with a look that read, "You're losing your mind" and the subject was dropped.
Our household has started seeing a chiropractor recently. I've been wanting to see one for awhile but was just kind of lazy about doing it. Finally, I got on the ball and found one in our area who met the requirements we had (we were looking for someone who does nutritional stuff as well.) I am so glad we have started going!
Tim's job as a painter means that Dr. Levi has his work cut out for him. He has some issues, which makes sense if you think about the movements and strain his body is experiencing throughout the day. I had some minor things that needed adjustments and, thankfully, am almost into the maintenance mode. Ellie and Zeke were probably the least concerns - although I will say this: Zeke is 17 months old today and not walking. He would stand for small amounts of time on his own, and walk holding your fingers and around furniture or behind a push toy, but would not try it by himself. He's had 2 appointments and at yesterday's, Dr. Levi mentioned his right hip being a bit locked up and did a couple adjustments. Since then, he has been standing on his own for long amounts of time and even, after pulling himself up next to the toilet last night after his bath, looked at us and smiled before letting go and taking 4 or 5 steps across the bathroom. Coincidence? Possibly, but the timing sure was interesting.
Noah's lower back was very locked up and contained lots of tension. I was asked if he has bathroom issues (which he does) and the connection was explained. He also told Noah that he should have less problems running and being active. Again, this was interesting to me because there are many times Noah wants to be active and do something - soccer, running, baseball, but then when he actually tries it...he ends up wanting to quit minutes later and does not like it. He really only enjoys riding his bike for activity. Maybe a connection? He hasn't tried going for a run or anything since - and he's only had 2 visits - but it will be interesting to see what he says or if it feels easier for him.
And Caleb. He's up there with Tim on needing more work than the rest of us. Caleb's birth can be described as a Traumatic Birth Experience because the doctor ended up using the vacuum suction to help him out. My mom, over the last couple years, has wanted me to take him to a chiropractor or a massage therapist who does cranial sacral work to see if it would help since he's had physical and speech delays. I never got around to doing it, but now he has it done at his chiropractor appointments. He's sleeping better at night as a result and we're seeing improvements in him each week, although there is still work to be done.
When I started writing this, I didn't expect to go into all that! I think I'm just kind of surprised at how much improvement we've felt in our bodies once they started being realigned to what they need to be. Yet, I don't know why I am because when I stop to think about it, it makes perfect sense why our bodies would function better when things are closer to the way they were created to be.
So if you have a moment today, stop and marvel at the human body and the way God creates us. We have all these nerves and muscles and organs that create this house for our souls. Most of the time we move throughout the day, not even really thinking about what our body is actually doing or enduring.
I know this Scripture can seem like it's on everything at times - especially if it's baby related - but I think it really does fit this post:
"I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works,
my soul knows it very well."
-Psalm 139:14
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