Dairy Free - Not For Me

I made a tough decision last night. I'm putting Eleanor on soy formula. I can't bear to see her in so much physical pain while the dairy clears out of my system and I don't like who I've become while not having dairy the past few days (coveting Noah's animal crackers, glaring at Tim while he eats Cheez-its, etc.) I know it's possible but for the sake of my sanity and my family I have decided to just switch her over.
It's weird because when I switched Noah he was 7 weeks old and I did not give it a second thought. I just put him right on it and didn't even consider the no-dairy for me option. With Ellie it has taken me a few days to make the decision, I have consulted 3 different people as well as forced Tim to tell me what he thinks (he wanted to just support whatever I decided but I wanted to know his thoughts: he votes formula because it's easier on all of us.) In the end, 1 friend said to go for the formula because Noah's fine and we were formula-fed babies and are fine, 1 said to try the dairy-free diet because she did that and although hard - it gets easier, and 1 said to do formula during the day and nurse before bed and in the morning. I guess I covered the spectrum.
I didn't expect to grieve the process the way I am since I didn't with Noah. I think it's because this has been an all-around different postpartum process for me and I have had the baby blues longer than with Noah (I don't think it's into postpartum depression though.) I am excited for many of the things that formula offers...such as freedom, the ability to let others feed her, my own sanity. Yet I am going to be sad about others such as the fact that she nurses great it's just the after-effects it has on her and I am thinner now than when I became pregnant and I think the weight will come back on (I guess that should be motivation to work out.) I think the thing that makes it hardest is that for the first week she was home nursing her was the only thing keeping me from falling into a dark pit. I was suffering from those wretched spinal headaches and couldn't even get out of bed to change her diaper, yet I could nurse her. It was the only thing making me feel somewhat competent as a mom and nurturer. It was the only thing I could do for her that no one else could. I think that is where my grieving stems from.
Anyways, that's where we are now. I was telling Christina last night about the thought of switching her over. Christina is lactose intolerant and knows the miserable effects dairy can have on someone. She was recommending a book that a friend of her's read called "Skinny Bitch." I guess it's written by these 2 young women who are vegetarians and they tell all these details about what happens in butcher shops and what's really in the milk you drink, etc. I guess her friend has always been a milk lover and is now considering switching to soy. I want to read it because I'm intrigued...yet I like my meat and am scared that if I read it I will want to become a vegetarian.
Today I had a cheese quesadilla dipped in sour cream for lunch. Welcome back, dairy.