I Chose Tim

I sat on the couch this evening snuggled next to my husband. Comfortable in my hooded sweatshirt and lounge pants, I was content with a book on my lap. Tim sat next to me reading his Wright Angles newsletter. The last rays of the day's sun were fading into the west and children's laughter could be heard even through the closed balcony door. Even though it can be difficult in the morning to adjust to the daylight savings time change, I relish the light early evenings. If I ignored the fact I was clothed head to toe and covered with a blanket, I could close my eyes and pretend it was summer based on the sounds alone. It has been so long since I've heard the kids from the apartments playing outside, riding their bikes and shrieking laughter while enjoying their childhood days.
I opened my eyes and continued to reading. I am, as my father-in-law called it, a "compulsive reader." He is, too, and I enjoy the connection I feel with him, as well as my mother-in-law, over books. We stayed at their house last night on the way home from Tennessee and today they sent me home with at least ten books to keep me occupied for awhile. The first one I picked up is called Home to Harmony, by Philip Gulley. They had informed me it was a light read and that is just what I needed during the drive home.
I finished the chapter I was reading and was struck by the last paragraphs. I re-read them twice more and read them aloud to my husband.

"We don't think people will love us as we are, so we pretend to be someone we're not.
My father pretending to be a Quaker.
Roger making believe he's a vegan.
Wrinkled women lifting their faces, chasing their youth.
Fat men sucking in their bellies.
Poor folks putting on airs.
Sinners acting like saints.
All of us keeping pace with our companions, stepping lively in this dance of deceit.
It is so hard, in this world, to be who we are.
My mother reached across and rubbed my father's shoulder. She said, 'I'd have married you whether you were a Quaker or not.'
'Really?' he asked.
'Really,' she said.
'How come?" he asked.
'Because you were worth loving,' she told him."
-Home to Harmony, by Philip Gulley, page 158

I thought about how true it is. When you first start dating someone, you do things to impress them. It might be dressing a certain way, spending more time on your hair or makeup, showing interest in things you could care less about.
Over time, our true selves of course begin to show. We can only keep up the charade for so long. My theory is that it starts to happen around six months. I call it the "Six Month Curse" and have seen just about every relationship I can think of, including my own, go through it. It makes or breaks your relationship.
Tonight I sat next to my husband. The one who broke my heart in college after six months of dating and then three days later presented his case for why I should date him again. After that there was no more acting. It was the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I thought about all the little things he knows about me. He knows the obvious from the foods I like and dislike, to the secretive - my fears, dreams, and goals that I only share with him. I believe that I look at him and know the same. Yes, we are always finding out new things about each other...we change as individuals as we grow and mature so it is always a learning process. Nothing in my life is secret from him, though. We can ask each other the most personal questions and know we will get an honest answer in return, even if it hurts.
Tim is worth loving. When we were married, I had his wedding ring engraved with the words, "I choose you." There are millions of people out there you can choose to marry and spend your life with. The choice is what makes it all the more important to be committed to your marriage. When you marry a person, you are saying, "I am choosing to love you. I am choosing to accept your strengths and weaknesses, your flaws, and the ways in which you show your love to me. I understand there will be hard times, but I am choosing to walk through those with you - hand in hand together."
I finished reading Home to Harmony tonight, just hours after I started reading it. What can I say...My name is Andrea and I am a compulsive reader. I enjoyed the book so much that I am thrilled it is just the first in a series and I can move on to the next one.
I loved sitting on the couch with Tim tonight. Both of us reading what interests us, the apartment quiet around us. There was no noise from the television or radio, just children's laughter outside. With the day's sunlight fading, it was just us on the couch...two people who had chosen to accept each other fully.