So as Noah comes closer to starting preschool (beginning of September!) I start to think more and more about school. I reflect on my school years and this is my conclusion:
I'm terrified for him.
I have talked about this with friends of mine who are teachers and my friend, Jen, who has a daughter entering kindergarten. I have all these fears: What if he doesn't listen and obey his teachers? What if his speech/stuttering/beginning consonant dropping doesn't improve and no one understands him? What if kids are mean to him? What if he is mean to someone?
When I asked the last two questions to my friend, Rachel, who is going in to her seventh year teaching kindergarten (and has taught in three different states in a variety of charter, Christian, and inner city public schools) she very plainly but kindly said, "Here's the thing, Annie: He's going to hit a kid. You're going to pick him up one day and the teacher will say, 'Noah hit Billy today.' Then you'll go home and tell him why we don't hit people, discipline him and he'll learn over time. There will come another day where Noah is hit by Billy and Noah will cry and the teacher will sit both of them down and make Billy apologize and he will cry because he'll feel bad and then the teacher will have two crying kids on her hands. It's life. It's his age and he's a boy. They're not really maliciously bullying at this age."
She made me feel a little better. Until I realized there will be an age where the bullying is malicious. It just doesn't make sense to me. I remember teasing kids in school, unfortunately. Or more, I remember being in the group of kids that did. I can remember only a couple times I tried it in jr. high and felt absolutely awful afterwards. The guys I hung out with were also quick to tease each other, so everyone was fair game in their eyes. But I can remember some kids specifically that I would hurt so bad for and it makes me mad now.
Why didn't I try to stop them? Was I really so concerned with who my friends were, with a false sense of popularity, that I cared? More toward the end of my high school years I became more of a social butterfly. Kind of flitting from group to group and finding things I liked about the people in each. There were "The Outsiders" (remember us, Bek, in all our "We will NOT be fake witchy Barbies" attitude?) There was my group of girls that I didn't so much spend a lot of time with, but we had known each other since preschool and had bonds that tied us because of it. There was the group of guys, the athletes, as we sat with them - lining the halls on both sides and making people step over our legs to cross. Although I knew most of these boys since elementary as well, they stayed more a part of my life as long as I was dating Brooks. It was more comfortable after we broke up and I could sit with other people without the puppy dog eyes stare he would give me when he wanted me to sit by him. I was free to sit near Jesse, my quiet giant of a friend, or Randy - all of us girls wanted to be his first kiss and I think Bekah and I could have near ripped Lisa's head off when she got to be it.
Anyways, I'm back now. Sorry about that. Once the memory floodgates open, they're hard to stop.
I pray so hard that Noah will be a godly young man. I hope with everything in me that he will not tease or bully others and that he will not be the target of such. I want him to be the guy who can stand up for those who are weak and have the confidence required to not care about who his audience is.
And Ellie. Don't even get me started on all the concerns I have for her. My friend, Renee, was telling me about the whole cyber-bullying and IM scene and how young it starts and how horrible it is. It's as if I want to drill in all the years of wisdom I have now, my experiences and lessons learned, into their little heads so they can see that years later, when they are in college or adults or parents, none of it is going to matter. The popularity doesn't follow you. I went from being very known in high school to not known in college. Well, Cornerstone was small so it was easy to get to know people, but I mean I wasn't popular. I don't really know who was in college. It's a whole different thing.
Sometimes I am so tempted to homeschool until I realize I would go crazy! If I was rich maybe I would just get a tutor or private instructor. Then I realize that I want my kids to have school experiences. I want them to go to prom and other dances, to be athletic or artistic or academic or whatever they are talented in. I want them to make friends and have to walk through those life lessons to grow and challenge them.
How do you remove your mother-of-steel-protective-arms to let them go?
Friday, August 22, 2008
It's Official
We are 100% cloth diapers with Ellie now. I'm still getting the hang of things, but so far I have found them to be quite easy and actually faster to change than a disposable. Her butt looks about 3 times as big, but so cute, too! We'll still use disposables when we're traveling for long periods of time (like up north next weekend) but even for short day trips or visiting friends we'll be using the cloth. I like it. I was so intimidated to use them, but I'm shocked at how very simple they are. Although I have already lost my one and only Snappi so I have to find where I can get another one now...good thing it's not totally necessary.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
This Will Sound Dumb...
Thanks to a couple girls entering my high school youth group this year, I spent the past week absorbed in a book series. About 3 weeks ago at our high school pool party, a couple of the girls were leaving early to go to one of those midnight book parties at Barnes and Noble. I started talking to them about the series and was shocked to find out this was actually the fourth and final book, as I had not heard of them before. I asked what it was about.
Mistake.
Maddie started telling me about how it was just a teenage love story but one of the main characters was a vampire. No, thank you, I told her. I don't do scary books anymore. She told me it wasn't scary because the author writes about them in a way that you can imagine they're real.
Um, that sounds pretty darn scary to me. I definitely don't want to think about my neighbors possibly being vampires. So I wished them a fun night and they were off, as memories of standing in lines to get Harry Potter books filled my head. We went to a couple of those bookstore parties with Randy and Deidra before then heading over to Meijer to get the cheaper copy.
Then out of nowhere over the next couple weeks I felt like everywhere I turned all I heard about was this "Twilight"series by Stephenie Meyer. Suddenly I felt this pull to the series. I had to read it. It bothered me that I was late in starting it - I mean, the last book was already out! (Although in the end it makes it much easier to read when you can fly through the entire story and move on to the next book without waiting another two years...kind of like renting a sesaon of "Lost" and not having to sit through commercials or months of one episode a week.)
Casually I asked Maddie if I could borrow the books. I read the first one in a day and, not able to wait the two days until I would see her to get the next one, I bought it at Meijer while grocery shopping that afternoon. She brought me the third and I devoured it only to have to wait a couple days for the last one until I saw her again.
I could not believe how hooked I was on these dumb books. And I say dumb because, yes, they are and yet there is something so addicting and captivating about them that you can't help but want the next one. Her writing is not outstanding but there is something there that hooks you. And I will confess:
I have never had a crush on a character in a book. Well, there are a couple Jane Austen characters that I wouldn't have minded running across a couple hundred years ago if they were real and I was alive, but overall I tend not to crush on characters. Edward is another story. Everytime Tim saw me reading the books, he would make a comment about my vampire boyfriend.
So all that ended as I finished the last book today, less than 24 hours after receiving it from Maddie. Yes, my children probably felt somewhat neglected in the past week at times. I was disappointed overall in the book. I am glad it had a happy ending, but it was kind of a letdown after the other ones. I want something exciting to end a series and this was not that. It is probably a good thing because I didn't finish the book thinking, 'Oh, I wish it would go on longer.' It was a good, clean break.
Now I have my final Karen Kingsbury book in the whole Redemption/Fame/Sunrise series coming out in September. That will make me cry. And I know that I will want her characters to go on. If you have not read any Karen Kingsbury books - you need to. Now. Pick any of them. Have a box of Kleenex handy. I have cried in every single one, including the children's book she wrote.
I don't know if I would recommend the "Twilight" series. If you want a quick (even though they look like large books, the font is big and the margins wide) and easy read, go for it. There were a couple things that irked me that I don't like the thought of all these teenage girls reading. There are never any explicit sex scenes - but the sexual tension is there and there is quite a bit of it. I don't want these girls thinking that once you're married, all you do is have sex all the time. Then they probably would all be jumping into marriage or just start having sex anyways. I guess it could be a good discussion starter.
On to the next book - "Pagan Christianity" by George Barna and Frank Viola. From fiction to non-, here I go. My guess is there won't be vampires in this one...
Mistake.
Maddie started telling me about how it was just a teenage love story but one of the main characters was a vampire. No, thank you, I told her. I don't do scary books anymore. She told me it wasn't scary because the author writes about them in a way that you can imagine they're real.
Um, that sounds pretty darn scary to me. I definitely don't want to think about my neighbors possibly being vampires. So I wished them a fun night and they were off, as memories of standing in lines to get Harry Potter books filled my head. We went to a couple of those bookstore parties with Randy and Deidra before then heading over to Meijer to get the cheaper copy.
Then out of nowhere over the next couple weeks I felt like everywhere I turned all I heard about was this "Twilight"series by Stephenie Meyer. Suddenly I felt this pull to the series. I had to read it. It bothered me that I was late in starting it - I mean, the last book was already out! (Although in the end it makes it much easier to read when you can fly through the entire story and move on to the next book without waiting another two years...kind of like renting a sesaon of "Lost" and not having to sit through commercials or months of one episode a week.)
Casually I asked Maddie if I could borrow the books. I read the first one in a day and, not able to wait the two days until I would see her to get the next one, I bought it at Meijer while grocery shopping that afternoon. She brought me the third and I devoured it only to have to wait a couple days for the last one until I saw her again.
I could not believe how hooked I was on these dumb books. And I say dumb because, yes, they are and yet there is something so addicting and captivating about them that you can't help but want the next one. Her writing is not outstanding but there is something there that hooks you. And I will confess:
I have never had a crush on a character in a book. Well, there are a couple Jane Austen characters that I wouldn't have minded running across a couple hundred years ago if they were real and I was alive, but overall I tend not to crush on characters. Edward is another story. Everytime Tim saw me reading the books, he would make a comment about my vampire boyfriend.
So all that ended as I finished the last book today, less than 24 hours after receiving it from Maddie. Yes, my children probably felt somewhat neglected in the past week at times. I was disappointed overall in the book. I am glad it had a happy ending, but it was kind of a letdown after the other ones. I want something exciting to end a series and this was not that. It is probably a good thing because I didn't finish the book thinking, 'Oh, I wish it would go on longer.' It was a good, clean break.
Now I have my final Karen Kingsbury book in the whole Redemption/Fame/Sunrise series coming out in September. That will make me cry. And I know that I will want her characters to go on. If you have not read any Karen Kingsbury books - you need to. Now. Pick any of them. Have a box of Kleenex handy. I have cried in every single one, including the children's book she wrote.
I don't know if I would recommend the "Twilight" series. If you want a quick (even though they look like large books, the font is big and the margins wide) and easy read, go for it. There were a couple things that irked me that I don't like the thought of all these teenage girls reading. There are never any explicit sex scenes - but the sexual tension is there and there is quite a bit of it. I don't want these girls thinking that once you're married, all you do is have sex all the time. Then they probably would all be jumping into marriage or just start having sex anyways. I guess it could be a good discussion starter.
On to the next book - "Pagan Christianity" by George Barna and Frank Viola. From fiction to non-, here I go. My guess is there won't be vampires in this one...
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Three Years...
It is a beautiful, sunny morning. The forecast calls for dry weather, sunshine and a temperature in the low 80s. In a few hours my parents will be arriving at our house, followed by my sister and her family and then some friends who live in the area and their children.
I hear the weather was incredibly humid three years ago. I wouldn't know since I was within hospital walls awaiting the arrival of my son. All I felt was a morning of contractions followed by a lazy and long painless afternoon, thanks to an epidural.
I can't believe it's been three years. I have experienced the most amazing feelings, emotions, and moments in becoming a mother. I have wanted to run away, pull out my hair, bottle up the love I feel, and gaze all night at a peacefully sleeping boy in his bed. I have been through smiles, tears, teething, the flu, potty training (still not 100% there), binky weaning, and so much more.
At the moment he is running around in his dinosaur costume from last Halloween, so excited that this afternoon he gets to eat "dinosaur cake" (which is really just ice cream cake with a picture of a dinosaur on it.)
I wish I had a camcorder to record all these moments because they fly by so quickly. We look at our pictures and small video clips from the digital camera on the computer and I just can't believe how much he's grown in the last year - even in the last few months. All of a sudden they change from helpless infant, crying for someone to meet their every need because they can't on their own...to independent preschool age, crying because they have fallen and scraped their knees because their small bodies can't keep up with the boundless energy and movement they have.
I knew none of these things as I sat in the hospital room. I knew nothing besides wanting to get through labor, wanting to see what this small boy inside me looked like. I knew not of how my heart would be trapped in his gaze, how a tiny memory or thought could make me fall to pieces as I remember his baby days, how happy I could be over the smallest things he does. I knew not of the intensity I would feel, wanting to fiercely protect him from the world.
And here he is. Three years old. Starting preschool in the fall, old enough for storytime at the library, switching from church nursery to the Explorers room where he will sing songs, hear stories, color pictures, and learn about the love of God.
He is fantastic, my son. He is challenging and independent, a force to be reckoned with. He is loving and sensitive, always ready with a hug and kiss or pat on the back for those hurting. He is dinosaurs and books, Go Diego Go! and flashlights, trucks and coloring all rolled into a handsome bouncing three year old. His life is a musical as he makes up songs about being in the bathtub, eating, playing outside, dancing in the living room, and having a baby sister. Just as he spins in circles faster and faster, the years of his life seem to be flying by like that to me.
Today the camera will be at the ready, waiting to capture what moments we can while he is still. Otherwise they're just a blur as he runs from one moment to the next, hungry to experience life as we scramble to keep up with his enthusiasm and excitement.
We love you Noah. We always will.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
My Two Confessions....
1.) I don't know how this happened, but shortly after Ellie was born I started receiving UsWeekly in the mail. I have never signed up for it, but every week it comes - delivered to my name and address. So this, sadly, has become one of my favorite times of the week: the day I find the trashy celebrity tabloid in the mail. I cannot wait to put the kids down for their afternoon nap and then settle down to catch up on the celebrity gossip (of which I'm sure much is not actually true.) There's something so...mindless about it. I know, I am sad.
2.) Sudoku. I have become a huge fan. When the newspaper comes, the first thing I do is read the comics. The second thing I do is break out my pencil (or, if I have to, a pen) and tackle the number puzzle. I could admit to being a nerd, but I will instead defend my Sudoku love with the fact it is keeping my mind sharp. Plus, I'm getting very good at it and have become quite quick in solving them. This is when Tim told me I was obsessed: when the newspaper became not enough for me and I started playing them on www.websudoku.com. I guess in order to combat the mindlessness of UsWeekly, I need to conquer Sudoku.
2.) Sudoku. I have become a huge fan. When the newspaper comes, the first thing I do is read the comics. The second thing I do is break out my pencil (or, if I have to, a pen) and tackle the number puzzle. I could admit to being a nerd, but I will instead defend my Sudoku love with the fact it is keeping my mind sharp. Plus, I'm getting very good at it and have become quite quick in solving them. This is when Tim told me I was obsessed: when the newspaper became not enough for me and I started playing them on www.websudoku.com. I guess in order to combat the mindlessness of UsWeekly, I need to conquer Sudoku.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Old Friends
We have been very busy lately and continue to be until the end of the month. Two weeks ago, my college freshman roommate, Dee, and her husband, Gabe, were visiting GR and popped over for dinner and a visit one night. It was great to see her, as I haven't seen her since I was pregnant with Noah. She made the most adorable outfit for Ellie that I'll hopefully be able to fit on her this fall, if not - winter. I can't wait to sew that well someday...
This past weekend another blast from my past came for an overnight visit with her husband. That was my friend, Renee, who I have known since...I don't know, Renee, how long?...maybe we were four or five? She moved in high school and I had not seen her in a good twelve years or so. It was fantastic to meet her husband and introduce her to my family and just to have face-to-face conversation and not over email, Facebook, etc. It has been fun re-connecting with her and we've had some really good, deep conversations. So that made for a great weekend.
I was looking at the calendar today and from today until the end of the month I have only 4 days with NO writing on them for plans. That's nuts. This weekend is Noah's birthday so my family will be in town. I can't believe my boy is turning 3 already! Where does the time go? And my baby is almost 4 months! She has started turning from back to stomach, at almost the same age Noah did (both at 3 1/2 months) and then she goes into a really good "tummy time" where you can tell she's so proud of herself and enjoying a new view. I'm hoping she really starts to perfect it so she'll start rolling herself onto her belly to sleep at night. I always feel like they sleep better and longer on their tummies. I know everyone my age was a belly sleeper since the pediatricians all said at that time not to put us on our backs to sleep, but how the times have changed. They even remind you on the diapers: Back to Sleep. So my mother-guilt kicks in every time I even think about the idea of putting her on her belly to sleep. That is why I get excited when she can roll and do it herself.
Noah asks every day if he can go to school yet. It's hard to explain that long amount of time to a little kid. He gets his backpack out and wears it around. Sometimes he calls it his "Rescue Pack" thanks to Go Diego Go! Diego has become his hero, as well as dinosaurs. No two things could make him happier. I think his dream moment would be if I let him eat cookies or ice cream while watching Diego surrounded by his dinosaurs. That one has yet to happen. Keep dreaming, little man.
Ellie eats for the last time at 7:30 and sleeps until 7:30 the next morning (Hallelujah!) She takes a morning and afternoon nap, as well as a short power nap in the late afternoon. Since she is on a schedule, I have been able to spend more regular time with Noah and that has helped his attitude and behavior overall since Ellie's birth. Things here have settled into a good routine, although the pooping on the potty is still an issue. Advice, anyone? Yesterday he told me he was scared to poop on the potty and he told Tim it hurt to poop on the potty. His 3 year well child checkup is in a couple weeks.
At the end of the month (Labor Day weekend) we are travelling waaaay up north to Iron Mountain area to visit my great-grandma. My whole family is going so it should be fun. My parents have always wanted us to all go on a trip together. I haven't seen my great-grandma since high school so it will be great to see her again. She's a pistol of a woman. When the Secretary of State punched a hole in her license and told her she couldn't drive anymore due to eyesight, she covered the hole with a smiley-face sticker and kept on driving. She doesn't drive anymore, though, thank God.
At the end of September we'll be heading down to Tennessee (hopefully, although plans are still in the works) to attend the wedding of a friend of Tim's from his days as a counselor at Doe River Gorge. Peter still keeps in contact with Tim's sister and her family and has actually settled back down in the area so we are excited for the opportunity to see him again, attend the wedding, and see Kristen, David and our nephews!
October brings about another wedding - this one I'm in and it's for my cousin. It's in Toledo and is outside so hopefully the weather cooperates. Our dresses are really pretty, I should probably get on the ball and order mine...
Well, that's all for Catch Up with the Rosses this week. Enjoy your day!
This past weekend another blast from my past came for an overnight visit with her husband. That was my friend, Renee, who I have known since...I don't know, Renee, how long?...maybe we were four or five? She moved in high school and I had not seen her in a good twelve years or so. It was fantastic to meet her husband and introduce her to my family and just to have face-to-face conversation and not over email, Facebook, etc. It has been fun re-connecting with her and we've had some really good, deep conversations. So that made for a great weekend.
I was looking at the calendar today and from today until the end of the month I have only 4 days with NO writing on them for plans. That's nuts. This weekend is Noah's birthday so my family will be in town. I can't believe my boy is turning 3 already! Where does the time go? And my baby is almost 4 months! She has started turning from back to stomach, at almost the same age Noah did (both at 3 1/2 months) and then she goes into a really good "tummy time" where you can tell she's so proud of herself and enjoying a new view. I'm hoping she really starts to perfect it so she'll start rolling herself onto her belly to sleep at night. I always feel like they sleep better and longer on their tummies. I know everyone my age was a belly sleeper since the pediatricians all said at that time not to put us on our backs to sleep, but how the times have changed. They even remind you on the diapers: Back to Sleep. So my mother-guilt kicks in every time I even think about the idea of putting her on her belly to sleep. That is why I get excited when she can roll and do it herself.
Noah asks every day if he can go to school yet. It's hard to explain that long amount of time to a little kid. He gets his backpack out and wears it around. Sometimes he calls it his "Rescue Pack" thanks to Go Diego Go! Diego has become his hero, as well as dinosaurs. No two things could make him happier. I think his dream moment would be if I let him eat cookies or ice cream while watching Diego surrounded by his dinosaurs. That one has yet to happen. Keep dreaming, little man.
Ellie eats for the last time at 7:30 and sleeps until 7:30 the next morning (Hallelujah!) She takes a morning and afternoon nap, as well as a short power nap in the late afternoon. Since she is on a schedule, I have been able to spend more regular time with Noah and that has helped his attitude and behavior overall since Ellie's birth. Things here have settled into a good routine, although the pooping on the potty is still an issue. Advice, anyone? Yesterday he told me he was scared to poop on the potty and he told Tim it hurt to poop on the potty. His 3 year well child checkup is in a couple weeks.
At the end of the month (Labor Day weekend) we are travelling waaaay up north to Iron Mountain area to visit my great-grandma. My whole family is going so it should be fun. My parents have always wanted us to all go on a trip together. I haven't seen my great-grandma since high school so it will be great to see her again. She's a pistol of a woman. When the Secretary of State punched a hole in her license and told her she couldn't drive anymore due to eyesight, she covered the hole with a smiley-face sticker and kept on driving. She doesn't drive anymore, though, thank God.
At the end of September we'll be heading down to Tennessee (hopefully, although plans are still in the works) to attend the wedding of a friend of Tim's from his days as a counselor at Doe River Gorge. Peter still keeps in contact with Tim's sister and her family and has actually settled back down in the area so we are excited for the opportunity to see him again, attend the wedding, and see Kristen, David and our nephews!
October brings about another wedding - this one I'm in and it's for my cousin. It's in Toledo and is outside so hopefully the weather cooperates. Our dresses are really pretty, I should probably get on the ball and order mine...
Well, that's all for Catch Up with the Rosses this week. Enjoy your day!
Thursday, August 07, 2008
ART
I missed my baby on Sunday. Not Ellie or Noah...but my first baby, my miscarried one.
During worship time at church we were singing "Nothing Without You" by Bebo Norman. I absolutely love this song; it has great meaning to me. When we went in for our 12 week appointment with our first pregnancy, we found out by ultrasound that our baby did not have a heartbeat anymore. Though my body still thought I was pregnant and as a result had not started the miscarriage process, my baby's body had already stopped living and growing. That was on September 16, 2004. Our doctor gave us different options to consider and, because the following week we were planning on travelling to California for a youth workers conference we felt that a D&C would be the best choice. That way I wasn't on the other side of the country in the middle of a seminar when the miscarriage process started. On the 18th, which was a Saturday, I had my surgery and started wading through the emotional recovery process.
The Monday after my surgery I was foolish enough to think I could go into work and be fine. Part of me didn't want to take more days off since I didn't have paid leave or vacation, they were just days I wasn't paid. Part of me thought throwing myself back into work would relieve my pain by not giving me time to dwell on it.
As I drove to work that Monday the station I was listening to started to announce the debut of Bebo Norman's new song, "Nothing Without You." They had a clip of him explaining the back story of the song. He was saying he was newly married and woke up one morning and, although he loved his wife, realized that his wife is not his life - Jesus is. And without Jesus, we have nothing and are nothing. I was so struck by it because I started thinking about how I had been placing my trust in my pregnancy. Once that little test displayed two lines, everything in my life revolved around the pregnancy. I had forgotten that the Lord gave me that baby.
I wish I could have at least known what I was having. I would have liked to give him/her a proper name. Instead, I just think of him/her as "ART." The day Tim & I found out we were pregnant we had dinner with our friends, Dave and Holly. While there we were talking about little nicknames we could refer to him/her as. We had joked and somewhat settled on "ART" because it is our initials, but rearranged in a way that could be a name, not like RAT or TAR. I also liked it because I thought of him/her as God's art, His creation He was sharing with us. Like He had painted a picture in my womb.
So I was standing in church on Sunday and we start singing "Nothing Without You." I looked down at the baby I was holding, which was not Ellie, but Eli (both his parents were on worship team this week so I had "Eli Duty" during the music.) My thoughts roamed to ART and all the things that weren't and aren't since God took him earlier than I would have liked. I am thankful to have the opportunity to carry such a life for so little time. I am blessed to have helped conceive and carry for a short time another soul in heaven.
"Take these hands
And lift them up
For I have not the strength
To praise you near enough
For I have nothing
I have nothing
Without You."
So my big idea. Here it is.....I am going to soon be unveiling a new blog. This one will remain the same, with family updates and random thoughts, etc. The new one has a mission that is a passion of mine and dear to me. After my miscarriage, the thing that helped me most in the healing process was being able to hear the stories of other women who had miscarried. I took great comfort in knowing it was ok to feel the emotions I was experiencing and that I wasn't dumb for grieving so hard and so long for a child I had only known for 12 weeks. I felt a connection with these women as they walked alongside me in my healing journey.
I have been compiling stories from some of these women, and more, in the hopes of publishing a book with them one day. I thought, if it helped me hearing the stories of these women than others could probably receive the same benefit. There are not many books on miscarriage - especially within the Christian publishing world - that really help. They do a good job at making you feel safe in knowing your baby is in heaven, but that's about it. Some are even written by men! Although I believe men grieve, too - I have watched Tim - a man cannot connect with how I feel as a woman experiencing this loss.
Anyways, I decided recently that a book is not really a good idea at this time. It is hard to be published, as well as expensive. But I continue to have this desire so it hit me the other day that I can form a blog and accomplish the same thing! I can still collect stories from women and put them on the blog. I am even planning on categorizing it for stories of miscarriage, stillbirth, and loss of a newborn. My hope is that through word of mouth, or people happening upon it, news of it will continue to spread in a way that women from all over can find it and find comfort and healing...to know that they are not alone. Some women need a feeling of closure, and they could find ideas from other women. I am hoping to contact parenting magazines and woman-targeted magazines to give them the blog address in an attempt to get the word out to other women.
Please help me in this. Be in prayer that this idea could work. If you know women who have lost a child through miscarriage, stillbirth or soon after birth, please let me know if they would be interested in sharing their story on the blog. I obviously only have so many at this point and will be forever continuing to look for more. If they are not comfortable with writing it, I could always make up an "interview" type form if they are just needing to know what to say. This is an idea I have been holding close to my heart for three and a half years, something I have wrestled back and forth with on whether or not it could work or if I was wasting time. But then I realized that even if one woman came across the site and found help, comfort, connection in her healing process...if there was a place for her to cry and relate to the stories she was reading, the emotions she was wrestling with that she was too scared to talk to anyone about...then it is not a waste of time.
I found it appropriate that when we finished singing "Nothing Without You" we started "In Your Arms of Love." The tears continued to roll as we sang:
"I sing a simple song of love
To my Savior, to my Jesus
I'm grateful for the things You've done
My loving Savior, my precious Jesus
My heart is glad that You've called me Your own.
There's no place I'd rather be than
In Your arms of love,
In Your arms of love.
Holding me still, holding me near,
In Your arms of love."
Oh, Father, may others be able to find comfort in Your arms of love. You hold us near, you are constant and unchanging and I thank You and praise You that You see what I can't, You know what I don't, and You have promised me that nothing can take me from Your arms of love as long as I remain there. Thank You, Lord. Thank you.
During worship time at church we were singing "Nothing Without You" by Bebo Norman. I absolutely love this song; it has great meaning to me. When we went in for our 12 week appointment with our first pregnancy, we found out by ultrasound that our baby did not have a heartbeat anymore. Though my body still thought I was pregnant and as a result had not started the miscarriage process, my baby's body had already stopped living and growing. That was on September 16, 2004. Our doctor gave us different options to consider and, because the following week we were planning on travelling to California for a youth workers conference we felt that a D&C would be the best choice. That way I wasn't on the other side of the country in the middle of a seminar when the miscarriage process started. On the 18th, which was a Saturday, I had my surgery and started wading through the emotional recovery process.
The Monday after my surgery I was foolish enough to think I could go into work and be fine. Part of me didn't want to take more days off since I didn't have paid leave or vacation, they were just days I wasn't paid. Part of me thought throwing myself back into work would relieve my pain by not giving me time to dwell on it.
As I drove to work that Monday the station I was listening to started to announce the debut of Bebo Norman's new song, "Nothing Without You." They had a clip of him explaining the back story of the song. He was saying he was newly married and woke up one morning and, although he loved his wife, realized that his wife is not his life - Jesus is. And without Jesus, we have nothing and are nothing. I was so struck by it because I started thinking about how I had been placing my trust in my pregnancy. Once that little test displayed two lines, everything in my life revolved around the pregnancy. I had forgotten that the Lord gave me that baby.
I wish I could have at least known what I was having. I would have liked to give him/her a proper name. Instead, I just think of him/her as "ART." The day Tim & I found out we were pregnant we had dinner with our friends, Dave and Holly. While there we were talking about little nicknames we could refer to him/her as. We had joked and somewhat settled on "ART" because it is our initials, but rearranged in a way that could be a name, not like RAT or TAR. I also liked it because I thought of him/her as God's art, His creation He was sharing with us. Like He had painted a picture in my womb.
So I was standing in church on Sunday and we start singing "Nothing Without You." I looked down at the baby I was holding, which was not Ellie, but Eli (both his parents were on worship team this week so I had "Eli Duty" during the music.) My thoughts roamed to ART and all the things that weren't and aren't since God took him earlier than I would have liked. I am thankful to have the opportunity to carry such a life for so little time. I am blessed to have helped conceive and carry for a short time another soul in heaven.
"Take these hands
And lift them up
For I have not the strength
To praise you near enough
For I have nothing
I have nothing
Without You."
So my big idea. Here it is.....I am going to soon be unveiling a new blog. This one will remain the same, with family updates and random thoughts, etc. The new one has a mission that is a passion of mine and dear to me. After my miscarriage, the thing that helped me most in the healing process was being able to hear the stories of other women who had miscarried. I took great comfort in knowing it was ok to feel the emotions I was experiencing and that I wasn't dumb for grieving so hard and so long for a child I had only known for 12 weeks. I felt a connection with these women as they walked alongside me in my healing journey.
I have been compiling stories from some of these women, and more, in the hopes of publishing a book with them one day. I thought, if it helped me hearing the stories of these women than others could probably receive the same benefit. There are not many books on miscarriage - especially within the Christian publishing world - that really help. They do a good job at making you feel safe in knowing your baby is in heaven, but that's about it. Some are even written by men! Although I believe men grieve, too - I have watched Tim - a man cannot connect with how I feel as a woman experiencing this loss.
Anyways, I decided recently that a book is not really a good idea at this time. It is hard to be published, as well as expensive. But I continue to have this desire so it hit me the other day that I can form a blog and accomplish the same thing! I can still collect stories from women and put them on the blog. I am even planning on categorizing it for stories of miscarriage, stillbirth, and loss of a newborn. My hope is that through word of mouth, or people happening upon it, news of it will continue to spread in a way that women from all over can find it and find comfort and healing...to know that they are not alone. Some women need a feeling of closure, and they could find ideas from other women. I am hoping to contact parenting magazines and woman-targeted magazines to give them the blog address in an attempt to get the word out to other women.
Please help me in this. Be in prayer that this idea could work. If you know women who have lost a child through miscarriage, stillbirth or soon after birth, please let me know if they would be interested in sharing their story on the blog. I obviously only have so many at this point and will be forever continuing to look for more. If they are not comfortable with writing it, I could always make up an "interview" type form if they are just needing to know what to say. This is an idea I have been holding close to my heart for three and a half years, something I have wrestled back and forth with on whether or not it could work or if I was wasting time. But then I realized that even if one woman came across the site and found help, comfort, connection in her healing process...if there was a place for her to cry and relate to the stories she was reading, the emotions she was wrestling with that she was too scared to talk to anyone about...then it is not a waste of time.
I found it appropriate that when we finished singing "Nothing Without You" we started "In Your Arms of Love." The tears continued to roll as we sang:
"I sing a simple song of love
To my Savior, to my Jesus
I'm grateful for the things You've done
My loving Savior, my precious Jesus
My heart is glad that You've called me Your own.
There's no place I'd rather be than
In Your arms of love,
In Your arms of love.
Holding me still, holding me near,
In Your arms of love."
Oh, Father, may others be able to find comfort in Your arms of love. You hold us near, you are constant and unchanging and I thank You and praise You that You see what I can't, You know what I don't, and You have promised me that nothing can take me from Your arms of love as long as I remain there. Thank You, Lord. Thank you.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
My Brainstorm
In the shower yesterday (because that's where all my good ideas come to me) I had this lightbulb go on in my head for an idea I've been thinking about but have been wondering how to make it work.
Then it hit me.
Stay tuned for details.
Jen Docter and Lydia Harrison - I already know I'm going to need something from you so be prepared to hear from me soon.
Is the suspense killing anyone yet? Hee hee hee hee.
Then it hit me.
Stay tuned for details.
Jen Docter and Lydia Harrison - I already know I'm going to need something from you so be prepared to hear from me soon.
Is the suspense killing anyone yet? Hee hee hee hee.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Little Things
It's the little things that make me feel joy:
*It's finding the "perfect" antique desk you've been looking for, offering them less than the asking price and having it accepted at $75 and then coming home to find it online for $3000 whie researching the history.
*It's getting a funny housewarming card in the mail.
*It's spending a weekend with friends when you've all sent the kids off to the grandparents'. (We missed you, Sara!)
*It's being married to your best friend.
*It's receiving a phone call from one of your closest friends announcing the birth of her daughter. Congratulations Jack, Kelly & Owen! We loved getting the pictures of Silvia!
*It's your toddler keeping his undies dry all day and not being scared of public restrooms.
*It's a favorite summer pie - even if it's short a few nectarines and blueberries thanks to your son "helping."
*It's a picnic lunch of peanut butter and homemade (though not by me) blackberry jam accompanied with grapes and "bunny crackers" (Annie's Homegrown organic cheddar bunnies - sooo much yummier than Goldfish crackers - thanks for the addiction, Carrie!)
*It's sleeping with your windows open and being awakened in the night to the fragrance of a summer rain.
*It's a sunny day with a great breeze and open windows to feel the breeze.
*It's finding hints of what looks to be curly hair on an unexpected red-headed daughter.
*It's getting through a conversation without laughing with your son who has out of nowhere started stuttering (we were told this is common ans temporary for boys his age.)
*It's registering him for preschool and finding yourself crying as you realize this is the beginning of his school years.
*It's finding the "perfect" antique desk you've been looking for, offering them less than the asking price and having it accepted at $75 and then coming home to find it online for $3000 whie researching the history.
*It's getting a funny housewarming card in the mail.
It is all the moments that make you stop and realize this is what life is made of: the little daily "nothings" that add up to so much more.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Recognizing A Battle
I don't know if I have written about this before, and I don't have the energy to look back and find out, so if this is redundant...skip it or do what you will.
While growing up, I never really was taught the importance of fighting the spiritual fight besides the verses of putting on the armor of God. Demons, the devil, Satan...those were all just names to me, things in a realm that I was not part of. Oh, how I have learned the truth. The following may make me sound crazy, or you may be able to relate. Either way I find it very real.
Shortly after Noah was born there was a day when Tim had left for work and after feeding Noah his first bottle, I had put him down for a nap in his room and had laid down in my room across the hall for a nap as well. I remember waking up to him crying and when I tried to get out of bed I was met with paralysis. I couldn't move but felt a huge weight upon my chest. I freaked out for a moment and then started to pray. I remember that when I said, "Be gone in the name of Jesus" the weight was lifted and I was able to get up. That was my first physical experience with the battle. I never told many people about this because I thought it made me sound insane.
This happened again shortly after Eleanor's birth. It was the middle of the night and I woke up to her fussing in her bassinet that was in our room. I wasn't able to move or speak. I tried and tried to even move my hand two inches to nudge Tim's, who was sound asleep next to me, but couldn't. So I started to pray. Every time I said the name of Jesus, my body shook. Finally, after an intense tremble, the weight was lifted again. I am blessed to have a husband who does not find me crazy when I tell him these things, as well as some friends who - although they tend to slightly freak out - also take it seriously.
A couple weeks ago I received an email from my friend Renee. She told me she was reading the book "Captivating" by John and Staci Eldredge and that God kept telling her to tell me to read a certain chapter. She didn't know why, but I had to read it as soon as possible. I own the book (although I have yet to read the entire thing) and, being intrigued, grabbed it off the shelf immediately after reading her email. The chapter she told me to read was on spiritual battle. God spoke, Renee listened, and He delivered what I needed to know for the time being.
There are so many things in my life right now. There are so many things in the life of the Ross family as a whole that needs prayer. I believe in the seriousness and realness of satan and I also believe that I serve a God who is more powerful than the forces of evil. I know how the story ends and I know that we as Christians are victorious by the grace of God. Unfortunately, while on this earth, we still fight the battle for Truth...for Love...for people to have relationships with Him.
I hurt today and find myself in tears throughout the course of it. Yet I hope. As my friend, Rachel, reminded me earlier - there is ALWAYS hope. Please don't take lightly the power of evil in the world today. It's not just drugs, shootings, rapes...the situations you physically see. Sometimes it is the battle of a mind, the health of a marriage, fear of bad parenting, or lack of control...sometimes it is what you don't see that is more dangerous.
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the deil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints." - Ephesians 6:20
Thank You, Father, that we may come to You in any situation, in any frame of mind, to call on You for strength. Thank You for providing us with a set of armor that is the same today as it was hundreds and hundreds of years ago. Thank You that You fight alongside us and for us and that you have even gone before us. May we praise Your name always, even when the battle hurts. In Your name we pray, Amen.
While growing up, I never really was taught the importance of fighting the spiritual fight besides the verses of putting on the armor of God. Demons, the devil, Satan...those were all just names to me, things in a realm that I was not part of. Oh, how I have learned the truth. The following may make me sound crazy, or you may be able to relate. Either way I find it very real.
Shortly after Noah was born there was a day when Tim had left for work and after feeding Noah his first bottle, I had put him down for a nap in his room and had laid down in my room across the hall for a nap as well. I remember waking up to him crying and when I tried to get out of bed I was met with paralysis. I couldn't move but felt a huge weight upon my chest. I freaked out for a moment and then started to pray. I remember that when I said, "Be gone in the name of Jesus" the weight was lifted and I was able to get up. That was my first physical experience with the battle. I never told many people about this because I thought it made me sound insane.
This happened again shortly after Eleanor's birth. It was the middle of the night and I woke up to her fussing in her bassinet that was in our room. I wasn't able to move or speak. I tried and tried to even move my hand two inches to nudge Tim's, who was sound asleep next to me, but couldn't. So I started to pray. Every time I said the name of Jesus, my body shook. Finally, after an intense tremble, the weight was lifted again. I am blessed to have a husband who does not find me crazy when I tell him these things, as well as some friends who - although they tend to slightly freak out - also take it seriously.
A couple weeks ago I received an email from my friend Renee. She told me she was reading the book "Captivating" by John and Staci Eldredge and that God kept telling her to tell me to read a certain chapter. She didn't know why, but I had to read it as soon as possible. I own the book (although I have yet to read the entire thing) and, being intrigued, grabbed it off the shelf immediately after reading her email. The chapter she told me to read was on spiritual battle. God spoke, Renee listened, and He delivered what I needed to know for the time being.
There are so many things in my life right now. There are so many things in the life of the Ross family as a whole that needs prayer. I believe in the seriousness and realness of satan and I also believe that I serve a God who is more powerful than the forces of evil. I know how the story ends and I know that we as Christians are victorious by the grace of God. Unfortunately, while on this earth, we still fight the battle for Truth...for Love...for people to have relationships with Him.
I hurt today and find myself in tears throughout the course of it. Yet I hope. As my friend, Rachel, reminded me earlier - there is ALWAYS hope. Please don't take lightly the power of evil in the world today. It's not just drugs, shootings, rapes...the situations you physically see. Sometimes it is the battle of a mind, the health of a marriage, fear of bad parenting, or lack of control...sometimes it is what you don't see that is more dangerous.
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the deil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints." - Ephesians 6:20
Thank You, Father, that we may come to You in any situation, in any frame of mind, to call on You for strength. Thank You for providing us with a set of armor that is the same today as it was hundreds and hundreds of years ago. Thank You that You fight alongside us and for us and that you have even gone before us. May we praise Your name always, even when the battle hurts. In Your name we pray, Amen.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
When a Toddler Finds a Camera...
You can end up with some artsy pictures on your camera. This is what I found after discovering him with it the other day:
What's Going On??
There must be some funky moon alignment or something is in the air here because my morning has been out of a dream. Proof:
*Noah slept in until after 7:30.
*The main floor bathroom is clean.
*The kitchen is clean.
*The last load of laundry is in the washer and the other four loads have been folded and put away.
*The dishwasher has been run and I'm letting the dishes dry a bit before putting them away.
*Noah didn't put up any fights about naptime but practically put himself to sleep.
*I swept and cleaned the deck off.
*I'm kind of having a good hair day.
*The weather is PERFECT! Low to mid 70s and sunny. We're in pants and t-shirts and not hot or cold....but just right. The windows are open and there is fresh air around the house.
*After 3 weeks the garbage company finally remembered to drop off the container for us so now we have somewhere to put our full trash bags until trash day instead of just outside the side door.
I feel like there should be eerie music playing in the background. I might even get a nap in with the way this day has been going.
And now...more excitement....prepare yourselves....
*Noah slept in until after 7:30.
*The main floor bathroom is clean.
*The kitchen is clean.
*The last load of laundry is in the washer and the other four loads have been folded and put away.
*The dishwasher has been run and I'm letting the dishes dry a bit before putting them away.
*Noah didn't put up any fights about naptime but practically put himself to sleep.
*I swept and cleaned the deck off.
*I'm kind of having a good hair day.
*The weather is PERFECT! Low to mid 70s and sunny. We're in pants and t-shirts and not hot or cold....but just right. The windows are open and there is fresh air around the house.
*After 3 weeks the garbage company finally remembered to drop off the container for us so now we have somewhere to put our full trash bags until trash day instead of just outside the side door.
I feel like there should be eerie music playing in the background. I might even get a nap in with the way this day has been going.
And now...more excitement....prepare yourselves....
Cloth diapers! We have decided to switch, I admit mostly for economic reasons (in the end you can save more than $2000), but it does feel good to be environmentally friendly as well. They arrived in the mail yesterday and I am washing them up right now to get ready to use. I'll probably start them tomorrow. Even if you're not a fan of cloth, you have to admit she looks pretty darn cute in that flower diaper cover. With her in cloth and Noah pretty potty trained at this point (he just wears EasyUps to bed at night now) we should be saving about $80/month.
And now...I think I will take a rest.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Part 2 - Clarification
OK, so I got to thinking about how I should clarify some of the things in the last post.
First of all, I don't judge anyone who uses the birth control pill. It is mine and Tim's decision not to, but if we based our friends on who has the same point of view on it as us, we would lose probably 95% of our friends. It is a personal decision for everyone, and as I said before, there are different factors that go into our decision. We like the method for prevention that we're using now and we'll stick with that (until Tim can get "the snip.")
Second, I don't believe that, outside of abstinence, any form of contraceptive is 100% effective. I have a niece who was conceived while her mom was on the pill. I have friends who have become pregnant while using birth control pills, condoms, and Natural Family Planning, as well as people who enter their middle ages and find themselves pregnant due to that little sperm who escaped the vasectomy fence. Those are the babies that I think God has really big plans for because they are made up of some pretty determined eggs and sperm.
Third, I should have clarified something the two doctors were discussing: how birth control pills work. A woman doesn't ovulate while using the pill because it manipulates her body into thinking it doesn't need to. SO, and here is where the difference in the doctors came in - one said that because there is a chance that the body can ovulate and and an egg can be released and meet the sperm and then be "aborted" due to the lining of the uterus not being a friendly environment to implant in (due to the pill), he will not prescribe the pill for anyone for any reason. The other doctor believes this scenario is so rare that he does not have a problem with prescribing the pill. And, yes, birth control pills can also be used to treat acne as well as other reproductive issues such as endometriosis or polycystic ovarian symdrome.
So that is when it becomes a personal decision. That is why I have all these swirling and twirling head thoughts! There is so much to think about as an adult when making decisions that I wish I was 3 months old again. =) But I don't condemn anyone's decision when it comes to this because who am I to judge? Just because Tim and I made a decision that we did doesn't mean it's the only decision or the "right decision." It's just what we picked because it works for us.
First of all, I don't judge anyone who uses the birth control pill. It is mine and Tim's decision not to, but if we based our friends on who has the same point of view on it as us, we would lose probably 95% of our friends. It is a personal decision for everyone, and as I said before, there are different factors that go into our decision. We like the method for prevention that we're using now and we'll stick with that (until Tim can get "the snip.")
Second, I don't believe that, outside of abstinence, any form of contraceptive is 100% effective. I have a niece who was conceived while her mom was on the pill. I have friends who have become pregnant while using birth control pills, condoms, and Natural Family Planning, as well as people who enter their middle ages and find themselves pregnant due to that little sperm who escaped the vasectomy fence. Those are the babies that I think God has really big plans for because they are made up of some pretty determined eggs and sperm.
Third, I should have clarified something the two doctors were discussing: how birth control pills work. A woman doesn't ovulate while using the pill because it manipulates her body into thinking it doesn't need to. SO, and here is where the difference in the doctors came in - one said that because there is a chance that the body can ovulate and and an egg can be released and meet the sperm and then be "aborted" due to the lining of the uterus not being a friendly environment to implant in (due to the pill), he will not prescribe the pill for anyone for any reason. The other doctor believes this scenario is so rare that he does not have a problem with prescribing the pill. And, yes, birth control pills can also be used to treat acne as well as other reproductive issues such as endometriosis or polycystic ovarian symdrome.
So that is when it becomes a personal decision. That is why I have all these swirling and twirling head thoughts! There is so much to think about as an adult when making decisions that I wish I was 3 months old again. =) But I don't condemn anyone's decision when it comes to this because who am I to judge? Just because Tim and I made a decision that we did doesn't mean it's the only decision or the "right decision." It's just what we picked because it works for us.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Ramblings Swirling and Twirling
My head has been so full lately. What I would give to sit and be able to just not think for a moment. This is a fault of mine...the struggle to just be silent and still. It is so valuable when I do it, and yet I don't very often. So here I am with a full head again of thoughts. I need a pensieve, like in the Harry Potter books where I can take my thoughts or memories out and stick them aside until later.
I read an interesting book lately. It was "The Year of Living Biblically" by AJ Jacobs. It was interesting, some parts were very funny and some were very thought-provoking. If you haven't read or heard of it, it was written by a man who tried to follow the Bible as literally as possible during the course of just over a year (he had to extend it due to the birth of his twins and not being able to accomplish some of the things he had been hoping to by that time.) He wears clothes that don't have mixed fibers, eats only certain foods, at one point he even attempts to stone an adulterer (that was a very funny part actually as he ends up tossing small pebbles at the guy's chest after the guy egged him on and taunted him.)
What was most interesting to me is that AJ Jacobs is Jewish and agnostic. There were so many parts in the book where you see him so close to accepting the Lord for everything He is...and then he would remember himself and let his "practical" side win. He ends his year agnostic still, but with more understanding and appreciation for certain things.
There is much in the book concerning the different "types" of Christians. There are some who do try to follow the Bible as literally as possible, there are some who are the Pat Robertson types, and there are others who we'll say are more like the Rob Bell types. He writes about how the majority of Christians just kind of pick and choose what parts of the Bible they want to follow. I think this is obvious to some extent when you look at it. There are some who say that when Jesus came to die for our sins he wiped out all the Old Testament laws and regulations. Does that mean we don't need to follow the Ten Commandments anymore?
Tim and I were discussing baptism last night. We have both been baptized. I was ten years old and there have been times where I wish I could do it again now that I have lived longer, through more hardships and can truly appreciate and be thankful for my salvation, for what God means to me, for what my faith in Him means to my life. I didn't know these things when I was ten. I just thought it was the next thing to do in the Christian life.
So we were talking about baptism and the importance of it, yet how some churches can go too far, in my opinion, with it. For example, let's say you have been baptized at a church - not by immersion (the dunking) but maybe by sprinkling. Later in life, if you attend a different church, I don't think you have to be baptized again if they do it by immersion. Baptism, in my belief, is an outward expression of an inward decision. It is a public declaration that says, "This is my decision and the journey I am choosing to take, to follow Christ." But I don't think baptism determines whether or not we go to Heaven and so I don't think the way you do it is what is important. I'm sure some of you might not agree and that's ok. Not even Tim and I agree on every Biblical issue, we just agree to not talk about it since they aren't the truly important issues.
I have listened to a couple days of "Family Life" on the radio this week. Since it is on during our lunch time here, I usually have it on while making and eating lunch with Noah. I really enjoy most broadcasts and have come across great resources and information while listening to it. This week they have been discussing contraceptives and forms of birth control. I was interested for two reasons: (1) Tim and I discussed this recently and (2) I don't want any more kids so contraceptives are often on my mind.
We don't use "the pill." We don't for a variety of reasons: (1) I don't like how it makes me feel (2) Tim and I don't like that I become quite mean while on it (3) We believe that life begins at the time the egg and sperm meet, not the time it is implanted. Based on this belief, the pill could be looked at as, at times, providing an abortive method since it is creating an environment that doesn't allow the fertilized egg to implant, thus causing a life to end - if you choose, like we do, to look at that fertilization moment as the time life begins. Even this causes division within Christians because not all believers believe the same details on this topic.
So then you start wondering what to use. Condoms? Natural Family Planning? Nothing? After a couple more months of regular cycles for me, we'll go back into the Natural Family Planning (I like to make sure I have about 4 months of regularity after pregnancy and delivery.) When done right, this is a very effective way. Many people just don't take the time to learn the correct way to do it and when they find themselves pregnant, they're confused as to what happened. Tim and I became pregnant all three times the first time we "tried."
Tim is on music team this week and picked out the songs. When I first saw his list, my comment was "You only have one upbeat song." He tried to argue that "Come Thou Fount", when sung in the way of David Crowder, could pass as upbeat, which would give him two songs. Later, though, I started thinking about my comment to him. Why did it matter? Are there rules and regulations in church that say how many of our songs should be upbeat, slow, loud or jazzy? No. Well, there shouldn't be. We should be soaking in and reflecting the lyrics, the heart of the songs. God doesn't care how we are singing them, but what we are saying in them, how we are worshipping Him. Sometimes I think He's just happy that we're worshipping.
So it looks like my head has been mostly full of religious, spiritual thoughts recently. As I journey along this Christian walk I am constantly growing, being stretched by the Lord, stumbling across new passages that question old ways of thinking. All I can do is pray and search the Word.
I read an interesting book lately. It was "The Year of Living Biblically" by AJ Jacobs. It was interesting, some parts were very funny and some were very thought-provoking. If you haven't read or heard of it, it was written by a man who tried to follow the Bible as literally as possible during the course of just over a year (he had to extend it due to the birth of his twins and not being able to accomplish some of the things he had been hoping to by that time.) He wears clothes that don't have mixed fibers, eats only certain foods, at one point he even attempts to stone an adulterer (that was a very funny part actually as he ends up tossing small pebbles at the guy's chest after the guy egged him on and taunted him.)
What was most interesting to me is that AJ Jacobs is Jewish and agnostic. There were so many parts in the book where you see him so close to accepting the Lord for everything He is...and then he would remember himself and let his "practical" side win. He ends his year agnostic still, but with more understanding and appreciation for certain things.
There is much in the book concerning the different "types" of Christians. There are some who do try to follow the Bible as literally as possible, there are some who are the Pat Robertson types, and there are others who we'll say are more like the Rob Bell types. He writes about how the majority of Christians just kind of pick and choose what parts of the Bible they want to follow. I think this is obvious to some extent when you look at it. There are some who say that when Jesus came to die for our sins he wiped out all the Old Testament laws and regulations. Does that mean we don't need to follow the Ten Commandments anymore?
Tim and I were discussing baptism last night. We have both been baptized. I was ten years old and there have been times where I wish I could do it again now that I have lived longer, through more hardships and can truly appreciate and be thankful for my salvation, for what God means to me, for what my faith in Him means to my life. I didn't know these things when I was ten. I just thought it was the next thing to do in the Christian life.
So we were talking about baptism and the importance of it, yet how some churches can go too far, in my opinion, with it. For example, let's say you have been baptized at a church - not by immersion (the dunking) but maybe by sprinkling. Later in life, if you attend a different church, I don't think you have to be baptized again if they do it by immersion. Baptism, in my belief, is an outward expression of an inward decision. It is a public declaration that says, "This is my decision and the journey I am choosing to take, to follow Christ." But I don't think baptism determines whether or not we go to Heaven and so I don't think the way you do it is what is important. I'm sure some of you might not agree and that's ok. Not even Tim and I agree on every Biblical issue, we just agree to not talk about it since they aren't the truly important issues.
I have listened to a couple days of "Family Life" on the radio this week. Since it is on during our lunch time here, I usually have it on while making and eating lunch with Noah. I really enjoy most broadcasts and have come across great resources and information while listening to it. This week they have been discussing contraceptives and forms of birth control. I was interested for two reasons: (1) Tim and I discussed this recently and (2) I don't want any more kids so contraceptives are often on my mind.
We don't use "the pill." We don't for a variety of reasons: (1) I don't like how it makes me feel (2) Tim and I don't like that I become quite mean while on it (3) We believe that life begins at the time the egg and sperm meet, not the time it is implanted. Based on this belief, the pill could be looked at as, at times, providing an abortive method since it is creating an environment that doesn't allow the fertilized egg to implant, thus causing a life to end - if you choose, like we do, to look at that fertilization moment as the time life begins. Even this causes division within Christians because not all believers believe the same details on this topic.
So then you start wondering what to use. Condoms? Natural Family Planning? Nothing? After a couple more months of regular cycles for me, we'll go back into the Natural Family Planning (I like to make sure I have about 4 months of regularity after pregnancy and delivery.) When done right, this is a very effective way. Many people just don't take the time to learn the correct way to do it and when they find themselves pregnant, they're confused as to what happened. Tim and I became pregnant all three times the first time we "tried."
Tim is on music team this week and picked out the songs. When I first saw his list, my comment was "You only have one upbeat song." He tried to argue that "Come Thou Fount", when sung in the way of David Crowder, could pass as upbeat, which would give him two songs. Later, though, I started thinking about my comment to him. Why did it matter? Are there rules and regulations in church that say how many of our songs should be upbeat, slow, loud or jazzy? No. Well, there shouldn't be. We should be soaking in and reflecting the lyrics, the heart of the songs. God doesn't care how we are singing them, but what we are saying in them, how we are worshipping Him. Sometimes I think He's just happy that we're worshipping.
So it looks like my head has been mostly full of religious, spiritual thoughts recently. As I journey along this Christian walk I am constantly growing, being stretched by the Lord, stumbling across new passages that question old ways of thinking. All I can do is pray and search the Word.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Trees, Kids & My New Favorite Website
My friend, Rachel, came over to help me do this mural. I love the color combination of blue and brown. I have for a few years now...before it was actually popular. I was pairing blue and brown when it wasn't "cool" to as I was nicely told by a former co-worker. I also love fun little birds, vintage birds, songbirds...again - and Tim is my witness - this was before they were even the trend (I'm starting to feel like if I was in Hollywood I could be a trendsetter.)
So, even though it looks like I'm following a trend, I have actually had this idea in my head for some time now and was just waiting until we had a house and a nursery to be able to do it. I especially like the little bird flying over to the tree. I painted the tree; Rachel painted her birds.
While we're in picture mode, let me throw in a couple recent ones of the kids.
More bird.
Noah has not become Indian, or Buddhist, with the red dot on his forehead. Instead, he got excited to see Tim returning from work one day last week. Tim was holding a drill in his hand and before he could stop it from happening, Noah ran smack into the drill bit. We're glad he didn't hit it any harder, or that it didn't hit his eyeball. I'm also noticing he has my "crazy eyes" as I call them. When taking pictures, one eye becomes smaller than the other. 
Why, yes, she does still have red hair. And we love it.And, my new favorite website: www.moneysavingmom.com. LOVE IT! I went to Target and got some FREE items last night and plan on going to a few other places tomorrow and nabbing some more stuff. What is great about it, in my opinion, is that it hooks you up with a lot of really great deals on the things that usually cost our family more at the grocery store (i.e. toilet paper, shampoo, soaps, toothpaste, etc.) If I can get this stuff for free or close to it, I'm a happy woman! Check it out.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Butterflies
I think I might throw up.
With the encouragement of Tim and my mom, I sent an essay in to RealSimple's Life Lessons essay contest. I just finished pressing the send button and checking my email to receive an automated "thanks for your submission" reply from them.
Now I just have to wait until after January 3rd, 2009 to find out whether or not it was chosen.
I've never done anything like this because I'm so afraid of rejection. When I'm writing, I'm putting myself out there...I'm exposing my feelings, thoughts, emotions, and experiences. It's one thing to do it for all you who read this.
It's another thing to do it for a contest where they're picking a "best."
This is why I now feel like I have butterflies in my stomach so strong that they are going to just fly away with it.
Pray for me that I may make it through the next 6 months and maybe even forget that I did this so I don't think about it all the time.
With the encouragement of Tim and my mom, I sent an essay in to RealSimple's Life Lessons essay contest. I just finished pressing the send button and checking my email to receive an automated "thanks for your submission" reply from them.
Now I just have to wait until after January 3rd, 2009 to find out whether or not it was chosen.
I've never done anything like this because I'm so afraid of rejection. When I'm writing, I'm putting myself out there...I'm exposing my feelings, thoughts, emotions, and experiences. It's one thing to do it for all you who read this.
It's another thing to do it for a contest where they're picking a "best."
This is why I now feel like I have butterflies in my stomach so strong that they are going to just fly away with it.
Pray for me that I may make it through the next 6 months and maybe even forget that I did this so I don't think about it all the time.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Happy
I just saw this video for the first time today and it made me feel happy just watching it. Dancing is something I love to do (for fun around the house or at weddings) and it is a "universal language" so to speak.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
What a Grandview!
Grandview is the name of the street we just bought a house on! Our closing was yesterday and I hadn't mentioned anything on here before because I wanted to wait until it was officially our's (well, our's and the bank's) in case anything fell through. But it all went off without a hitch and we are now in home ownership mode again. It's amazing how in this market you can own a house with a mortgage payment cheaper than paying rent. Anyways... 
Hello! I'm Noah and I will be your tour guide today. This is our entryway. 
Mom and Dad are suckers for arched doorways, alcove ceilings and hardwood floors.
This is where our guests will stay for a few years. The other 2 bedrooms are upstairs, but this is on the main floor. Because they're not comfortable with us sleeping on a separate floor at our ages, Ellie and I will be sharing sleeping quarters upstairs and they will be in the other upstairs bedroom. The main floor will be for our lovely visitors.
This is our full bathroom. You can't see the toilet or shower but they're in there!
Mom will cook lots of meals in our new kitchen. The stove is hidden on the right.
Ellie and I are going to be able to play with our friends in this room in the basement. Mom and Dad are going to put carpet down and paint some fun colors in here.
Mom loves this large closet and shelving/drawer system in the upstairs hallway.
Ellie and I will share this room. There are hardwood floors underneath the carpet in the upstairs bedrooms that Dad is going to eventually rip up and refinish.
The half bathroom is in Mom and Dad's room.
Come on outside with me! We have to go through the laundry room that Mom will enjoy having on the main floor.
This is my backyard!
Thank you for seeing our house! Let us know if you would like to visit us in it!
Our new residence is in Spring Lake. It is a 3 bedroom, 1 1/2 bathroom cape cod with a somewhat finished basement (half is storage area, half is finished although we need to do our own thing to it to make it into a playroom for the kids.) It is on a half acre lot and most of the yard is fenced in (yea!) We love it and plan on being here for a loooooong time. Although we took boxes over last night and plan on taking more tonight and tomorrow during the day, our "big" move is scheduled for tomorrow (Thursday) night. (Anyone in the area looking for something to do tomorrow night?) We went over to clean last night and Stephani came to help. While there, our friends Justin & Carrie (Justin & I have known each other for years and they have a house right around the corner from where our's now is) stopped by to see if we were there and ended up helping out as well. I'm so thankful for friends who are willing to get dirty to help you out! They all did a great job and we're ready to go. Tim is going to be painting the kids' room tonight so that can be done by the time we spend our first night there. Rachel is coming out to help me paint a mural on their wall this weekend that I am very excited about. I would say I can have pictures of all that, but I forgot my camera at my cousin's wedding and it is now in the possession of my aunt. However, we do have pictures of the house that we took after our offer was accepted so I can at least share those.
Welcome to our new home:
Hello! I'm Noah and I will be your tour guide today. This is our entryway. Mom and Dad are suckers for arched doorways, alcove ceilings and hardwood floors.This is where our guests will stay for a few years. The other 2 bedrooms are upstairs, but this is on the main floor. Because they're not comfortable with us sleeping on a separate floor at our ages, Ellie and I will be sharing sleeping quarters upstairs and they will be in the other upstairs bedroom. The main floor will be for our lovely visitors.This is our full bathroom. You can't see the toilet or shower but they're in there!Mom will cook lots of meals in our new kitchen. The stove is hidden on the right.Ellie and I are going to be able to play with our friends in this room in the basement. Mom and Dad are going to put carpet down and paint some fun colors in here.Mom loves this large closet and shelving/drawer system in the upstairs hallway.The half bathroom is in Mom and Dad's room.Come on outside with me! We have to go through the laundry room that Mom will enjoy having on the main floor.This is my backyard!Thank you for seeing our house! Let us know if you would like to visit us in it!
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Blessings
There are the moments as a mom where I go crazy and wonder how such tiny little beings can be so aggravating. Then there are the other moments like one I had yesterday.
After dinner Tim was taking a shower while I cleaned up dishes. Right as I was finishing, Ellie - who hadn't napped well throughout the day - started to cry. I picked her up, sat on the couch and swayed/sushed/rocked her and she was almost instantly asleep. Noah, who had been playing with trucks, watched me and then disappeared out of the room. A moment later he returned with a blanket and his favorite stuffed animal - a dinosaur appropriately named "Dinosaur'' - and climbed on to the couch mumbling quietly to himself. It took me a second to realize he was quietly talking to Dinosaur. He wrapped the blanket around Dinosaur and started patting its back and soothing him, "It's ok, Dinosaur. Go to sleep." He laid Dinosaur down next to him on the couch and covered them both with the blanket.
"Close your eyes, Dinosaur."
He (Noah) looked at me and put his finger to his lips. "Shhhhh," he whispered. "Dinosaur's sleeping." He then closed his eyes and pretended to sleep as well.
I looked at him, this little faking sleeper with rosy cheeks and boyish charm, and then looked down at Eleanor who was still heavily asleep in my arms with her smooth baby cheeks and button nose.
I am so blessed, I thought.
After dinner Tim was taking a shower while I cleaned up dishes. Right as I was finishing, Ellie - who hadn't napped well throughout the day - started to cry. I picked her up, sat on the couch and swayed/sushed/rocked her and she was almost instantly asleep. Noah, who had been playing with trucks, watched me and then disappeared out of the room. A moment later he returned with a blanket and his favorite stuffed animal - a dinosaur appropriately named "Dinosaur'' - and climbed on to the couch mumbling quietly to himself. It took me a second to realize he was quietly talking to Dinosaur. He wrapped the blanket around Dinosaur and started patting its back and soothing him, "It's ok, Dinosaur. Go to sleep." He laid Dinosaur down next to him on the couch and covered them both with the blanket.
"Close your eyes, Dinosaur."
He (Noah) looked at me and put his finger to his lips. "Shhhhh," he whispered. "Dinosaur's sleeping." He then closed his eyes and pretended to sleep as well.
I looked at him, this little faking sleeper with rosy cheeks and boyish charm, and then looked down at Eleanor who was still heavily asleep in my arms with her smooth baby cheeks and button nose.
I am so blessed, I thought.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Conquering the Impossible...for me
I was fortunate in that after Ellie was born I quickly lost not only my pregnancy weight but also an extra 4 or so pounds. I was unfortunate in that, when I stopped nursing, it all came back on plus some because I wasn't being careful about what I ate or burning as many calories during the day. This weekend, while we were riding back from Fowlerville, I looked down to see my spare tire hanging over the top of my jeans. I grabbed a chunk of it and yelled "I hate you!"
"Attack!" Tim encouraged. "Annie with a vengeance!"
I know that he loves me no matter what I look like. I think he just doesn't want to hear me complaining about it 365 days a year for the next 70 years.
So after feeding Ellie her first bottle of the day I placed her between us on our bed. I then woke Tim up by saying, "I'm going for a jog."
"Excuse me?" he asked without opening his eyes.
"I'm going jogging." He opened one eye and smiled. Between us, Ellie made a cooing sound.
"Even Ellie is laughing." This just proves how unathletic I am.
With his disbelief fueling my motivation, I got out of bed and threw on some sweats and a long sleeve shirt over a tee in case the weather was fickle (this is June in Michigan after all.) I grabbed the iPod and laced up my tennis shoes and headed down the driveway excited that I was actually carrying through with this new exercise leaf I had turned over.
With U2's "Vertigo" kicking off my Workout Mix playlist (I have a workout mix that has probably been used for its purpose a handful of times) I started warming up with some walking. The next song came on and I kicked it up a notch to some speed walking, even pumping my arms like the people I see speedwalking on our road.
Fallout Boy's "Dance Dance" entered my ears and I sped up a bit more. I'm running! I thought. OK, jogging...slowly. But I'm moving at a faster speed than a walk!
About two minutes into the song I realized something important: I forgot my inhalor. Praying that I didn't have an exercise induced asthma attack, I tried to focus on my breathing. I mapped out how far I planned on going before turning back and picked a road that I know is a mile from our house. That would mean a two-mile experience today, even if I didn't run all of it...or jog.
As I started to see my marker point, I also started to falter. I'm going to die. I'm not even running full out and I'm going to die. Running is stupid. I thought about my friend, Renee, who I have known for years. She is a runner. She is beyond a runner - she is a cross country coach. I decided that she must be insane as well to enjoy this activity. I then thought about how she would encourage me if she knew what I was doing. She is good at that. I mentally pictured her running beside me (great, now I'm on the verge of hallucinating from this jogging stuff) and giving me encouragement. I ventured on without dropping my speed.
I thought of another old friend, Bekah, who runs. She has done some races this year and I'm proud of her since she is also an asthma victim. She also has very long legs so she would probably be almost done by the time I was halfway through. I wish my legs were longer.
Whenever I am pressed physically, something comes into my head: He is my strength and my redeemer, whom shall I fear? I know this is a combination of a couple different verses but it always helps me out. I think about God giving me strength to do things - even jog - and I can make it a little farther.
I looked again at the distance between me and my turn-around point. Although closer, I still felt like it was forever away. They're going to find me passed out on the sidewalk and not know who I am because I'm not carrying any identification on me. Should I carry identification when I jog? What if I became a murder victim while running? Maybe there is someone watching me even now, paying attention to what time I run and the path I'm covering. Why did my mom have to make me so paranoid?
Finally...finally! I jogged by a little bench and water fountain and turned to head back home. Walking. I made my goal for the day and was going to walk back home. However, I was going to focus on posture while walking. Chin up, abs pulled in, glutes tight...hey, I felt taller and straighter. A minute later I had to remind myself again to tighten the abs and buns. This good posture thing carries a lot to remember when you are trying to change it at an older age. Straight like a board, straight like a board.
Almost home. I have heard about "the runner's high"...all these happy little endorphins being released and making you feel good, refreshed, energized and somewhat sexual. Did I feel like going home to make out with my husband? More like pass out on the couch, I decided. Maybe that one comes with time.
I turned down our road and finally up our driveway. I entered our bedroom to find both kids in bed with Tim. I grabbed some water and then climbed in with them.
"I did it," I told him. "I exercised."
I'm proud of you," he answered. "Good job."
And I felt good, too.
"Attack!" Tim encouraged. "Annie with a vengeance!"
I know that he loves me no matter what I look like. I think he just doesn't want to hear me complaining about it 365 days a year for the next 70 years.
So after feeding Ellie her first bottle of the day I placed her between us on our bed. I then woke Tim up by saying, "I'm going for a jog."
"Excuse me?" he asked without opening his eyes.
"I'm going jogging." He opened one eye and smiled. Between us, Ellie made a cooing sound.
"Even Ellie is laughing." This just proves how unathletic I am.
With his disbelief fueling my motivation, I got out of bed and threw on some sweats and a long sleeve shirt over a tee in case the weather was fickle (this is June in Michigan after all.) I grabbed the iPod and laced up my tennis shoes and headed down the driveway excited that I was actually carrying through with this new exercise leaf I had turned over.
With U2's "Vertigo" kicking off my Workout Mix playlist (I have a workout mix that has probably been used for its purpose a handful of times) I started warming up with some walking. The next song came on and I kicked it up a notch to some speed walking, even pumping my arms like the people I see speedwalking on our road.
Fallout Boy's "Dance Dance" entered my ears and I sped up a bit more. I'm running! I thought. OK, jogging...slowly. But I'm moving at a faster speed than a walk!
About two minutes into the song I realized something important: I forgot my inhalor. Praying that I didn't have an exercise induced asthma attack, I tried to focus on my breathing. I mapped out how far I planned on going before turning back and picked a road that I know is a mile from our house. That would mean a two-mile experience today, even if I didn't run all of it...or jog.
As I started to see my marker point, I also started to falter. I'm going to die. I'm not even running full out and I'm going to die. Running is stupid. I thought about my friend, Renee, who I have known for years. She is a runner. She is beyond a runner - she is a cross country coach. I decided that she must be insane as well to enjoy this activity. I then thought about how she would encourage me if she knew what I was doing. She is good at that. I mentally pictured her running beside me (great, now I'm on the verge of hallucinating from this jogging stuff) and giving me encouragement. I ventured on without dropping my speed.
I thought of another old friend, Bekah, who runs. She has done some races this year and I'm proud of her since she is also an asthma victim. She also has very long legs so she would probably be almost done by the time I was halfway through. I wish my legs were longer.
Whenever I am pressed physically, something comes into my head: He is my strength and my redeemer, whom shall I fear? I know this is a combination of a couple different verses but it always helps me out. I think about God giving me strength to do things - even jog - and I can make it a little farther.
I looked again at the distance between me and my turn-around point. Although closer, I still felt like it was forever away. They're going to find me passed out on the sidewalk and not know who I am because I'm not carrying any identification on me. Should I carry identification when I jog? What if I became a murder victim while running? Maybe there is someone watching me even now, paying attention to what time I run and the path I'm covering. Why did my mom have to make me so paranoid?
Finally...finally! I jogged by a little bench and water fountain and turned to head back home. Walking. I made my goal for the day and was going to walk back home. However, I was going to focus on posture while walking. Chin up, abs pulled in, glutes tight...hey, I felt taller and straighter. A minute later I had to remind myself again to tighten the abs and buns. This good posture thing carries a lot to remember when you are trying to change it at an older age. Straight like a board, straight like a board.
Almost home. I have heard about "the runner's high"...all these happy little endorphins being released and making you feel good, refreshed, energized and somewhat sexual. Did I feel like going home to make out with my husband? More like pass out on the couch, I decided. Maybe that one comes with time.
I turned down our road and finally up our driveway. I entered our bedroom to find both kids in bed with Tim. I grabbed some water and then climbed in with them.
"I did it," I told him. "I exercised."
I'm proud of you," he answered. "Good job."
And I felt good, too.
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