Gleam

It is a gray day.  The temperature is unusually mild for January, but the sun is hiding so the weather feels dreary.  Despite waking up with a heart of thankfulness, gray weather can cause gray to seep into the heart.  Sometimes when that gray goes unchecked, it can darken and deepen. 
I found myself starting to fall into that funk this afternoon.  Nothing was wrong in the day - it just felt blah, dreary, down, damp, colorless.  Feeling mopey I wandered into the kitchen.  I pulled out a lighter and set it to a candle called Vanilla Oak.  In a brief moment, the candle had cast a dim glow and a warm scent through the kitchen.  I felt a slight lift to my spirit. 

After folding laundry, I put towels in the bathroom cupboard, and while in there flicked on the snowflake nightlight.  Another dim light shone through a dark room.  My spirit lifted a little more. 

While walking back down the hallway, I found Ezekiel sitting in the doorway of my bedroom, lifting his hands to me.  I picked him up and tickled his chin.  He giggled.  I tickled his belly.  Deeper laughter.  I nuzzled and kissed his sweet baby cheeks and neck and he roared with a full belly laugh.  The laughter bubbled from his belly straight to my heart, lifting it more, causing me to thank the Lord for this sweet boy He surprised us with.
I was reminded of the devotional I read this morning.  In it was a paragraph that had stood out to me this morning, little did I know I would come back to it later in the day:

While you worship Me in the midst of darkness, I enable you to see the first gleam of dawn on the path before you. Continue walking worshipfully with Me - a walk of faith.  As you persevere along this path, the dim light will gradually shine brighter and brighter till the full light of day. 
(Jesus Today by Sarah Young, p. 56)

One of the accompanying verses was Proverbs 4:18: "But the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn,

which shines brighter and brighter until full day."

The light of dawn begins with a sunrise, a few rays gleaming to pierce the night sky before a blinding sun takes charge.  

A dim light can pierce a gray heart and lead to a fully lifted spirit when we let His light shine in us.  

Thank you, Lord, for showing me the first gleams when I turn my heart toward You, that I may continue to worship and see Your light shine brightly.

Follow Through

We're a week into the New Year of 2013.  People have (or maybe haven't) set resolutions and goals for the year.  Tim and I set goals and this year we're doing it a bit different.  We're breaking the year into chunks and setting our goals month by month to build habits and avoid the feeling of being overwhelmed.  We do have a financial goal we'd like to reach by December 31st of 2013, and I do have a personal goal I'd like to have happen by the fall.  It helps that our health-related goals are kept accountable by our friends, the Lamppas, who we are partnering with in that realm.  Our health-related goals are:

*Tim - no snacking after 8:30pm and exercise 3x a week
*Me - no snacking after 8:00 pm and exercise 3x a week

We do not have any weight goals, as Tim does not need to lose any, and I am tired of striving after a number on a scale.  We did set rewards for what happens if we reach our goals, but Unty also had the idea of setting a consequence if we did not reach our goals.  He said it should be something that we would never want to do, in order to keep us really motivated.  Tim's reward is attending a concert, musical, or some kind of event.  The Avett Brothers are coming to Grand Rapids next month so that's convenient.  :)  His consequence is having to eat vegetarian for an entire week.  For him, this possibility is torture.  My reward is a dinner date at Hearthstone, a delicious restaurant that we haven't been to in over a year.  My consequence is having to donate $25 to Planned Parenthood.  As this is a place I would not want my money to go, it's pretty motivating.

On top of our goals, we've been doing the Detox that is part of Whole Living's 28-Day Challenge from 2011.  We are one week into it and I feel amazing!  My body obviously has not liked some of the things I've been eating in my life, as I now feel more energetic, less fuzzy in the brain, happier, I find myself more patient with my kids, less stressed out, and sleeping better at night.  We get to start introducing certain foods tomorrow, taking the time to note how they make us feel.  I'm very interested to see what my body reacts to and because I'm keeping a journal of how I feel, I think I'll be able to cut out what is harming my body.

Our financial goal is to be debt-free (but the house) by the end of the year.  At the moment we have one auto loan and as Tim's van is in the shop right now and looking like this could be the end of it, we may have to take another out, which we don't want to do, but if we have the goal of paying it off by the end of the year, at least we have a determined goal.  We also want to have 3 months of savings in our emergency fund.  This is mainly since Tim's job can be "feast or famine" and December is typically when the famine starts for painters.  It is a big goal for us, a family of 6, on one income that is not large, but we truly believe we can make it happen.  We're going to be saying "no" to desires and wants along the way.  Discipline!

My personal goal is to run a 10K by the fall.  I am not a natural runner, but I have done a few 5K races and I'd like to try the next step up this year.  I plan on doing a couple 5K races along the way to help in the training. 

There are other smaller goals, but I won't go through them. Maybe I'll report on my progress at the end of each month to help keep me accountable as well.

My motto of the year (phrase?) is "Follow Through." I chose it because I feel like I have a hard time following through on things.  We've set budgets in the past that we didn't look twice at, I've started exercise routines that were never finished, I even have crochet/knit projects sitting in a basket that I half finished and got bored with.  Not this year!  This is the year I follow through on what I start and I finish it!  I have my goals, I have set boundaries to stop being hurt by people around me, I have a support system, I have my verse for the year:

Hebrews 12:11-13 - "For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed."
  
It's perfect!!  Discipline IS hard in the beginning, but it's worth it in the end!  Even in a week's worth of time, I can see the differences being made in our home and how the Lord is strengthening us already.  I know that everyone starts the year off with that "Woo-hoo! Go get 'em!  I can do it!" mentality that drops off by the middle of February, but this year feels different to me.  It feels like a year of big things ahead for us and we're ready to tackle them, trusting the Lord and giving glory to Him as we go!

What goals have you set this year?  Do you feel it is a big year for you as well?

Hair

Noah at 1 year old

Ellie - 1 year old

Caleb - 1 year old

Zeke - 1 year old

Our baby turned 1 year old last week.  I will write a birthday post for him in the next couple days.  For today, I'm just enjoying looking at what all the kids looked like on their first birthdays.  I think the biggest difference is the appearance of more and darker hair with each one!  Zeke already had his first hair cut a couple weeks ago so it's quite a bit shorter than it was.  :)

Hungry, Hungry Caleb

I called Caleb's pediatrician's office this week and asked to speak to a nurse.  I explained to her that he is multiple times throughout the day sneaking into the fridge and cupboards, taking food, and hiding somewhere in the house devouring it.  I told her that sometimes I am nervous about leaving him unattended for any length of time because I will most likely find him soon after, under a bed scooping yogurt of a large container with his hand.  She told me she had never heard any other mom say this in her 25 years of nursing and then said she would talk to the doctor and call me back.  She did call back later and made an appointment for the next day.
After a long visit and a trip to the lab for a gene probe/blood work, we went home to wait for 3-5 days until we would hear if Caleb had Prader-Willi Syndrome.  He exhibits as many characteristics for it (developmental delays, obsession with food, etc)  as he does against it (high functioning, he's not obese, etc), so the blood work would be the best way to determine if he did in fact have it. I only ever got nervous once in the waiting time, and it was before we left the office when I was thinking about (a) how I had never seen the pediatrician act the way he did - very concerned.  He's a great pediatrician, but he is usually pretty calm and laid back, which I think is great because then I'm never stressed out while I'm there.  (b) I skimmed through the information page and it had a sentence about how in the past, people with PWS didn't live to the age of 50 because of related health complications.  Then I kind of freaked out a little.  Then I calmed down.
Anyways, this post is not about PWS, but about what came next.  I called Tim.  I called my mom, who in turn called her prayer warriors.  I emailed Tim's family and then I contacted 2 of my girlfriends.  The responses left me in awe of the Lord, yet again.  I received a phone call from my grandma, who told me Caleb was fine and the Lord had made him healthy and the test results would show it.  I received a text from my aunt, who said she was standing in prayer with us.  Tim's parents and sister responded with emails that they were in prayer.  The first girlfriend I called said, "let's pray" as soon as I was finished telling her about it.  The other I had texted and when she called later that day, she had already researched it and told me, "If this is what he has, we can do this.  We can get through this."  My mom called me this morning in a 3-way conversation with a friend of hers who wanted me to hear what the Lord had spoken to her this morning in her prayer time.
I was floored.  I have always known we have an amazing support system, but the Lord showed me again that He has provided us with family and friends who are there with us.  Whether or not Caleb had this syndrome, we had a circle around us of people praying for him, ready to show us His strength if we were weary, and who were asking for his health - truly believing that God can and does heal.  The raw, unwavering faith of these people are inspiring and I am blessed to know them. 
I know that there are Christians who feel a little hesitant and nervous when people start talking about spiritual warfare, or prophesy, or healing, or miracles.  I have to admit that when my mom first told me about a couple of her friends, I thought they were a little crazy back when I was young.  However, they aren't.  Well, maybe they're crazy by society's standards, but they don't say anything that is outside Scripture.  They just believe, really believe, that we have a BIG God and He is who He says He is and He stands by His promises.  Isn't that what we're supposed to believe anyway?  They have helped me grow in my own faith and they have prayed for my family countless times.  I love them and am so thankful for them.
The past few days have been a reminder to me of the importance of community.  I could feel the peace that came from believing that no matter what Caleb's test results were, it wasn't going to change the way we love him or how he fits into our family, and it wouldn't change the fact that God would never abandon us.
Caleb's results came back negative and the pediatrician left a voicemail that he is a healthy, but seemingly very hungry, little boy.  We are thanking God for answered prayers and Truth He has revealed to us in the last couple days while we waited.

Ugly Yard

After breakfast this morning, the kids ran off to play, Tim was putting our handrail back on the basement stairwell (we moved a desk down into the basement last night), and after I finished cleaning up, I took my cup of hot chocolate into the living room and set Zeke down to explore.  Tenth Avenue North's second album was playing from the kitchen.  Peaceful moment, really.  I try to capture them when I can.  :)
I was looking out the front window and the yards starting getting my attention.  Leaves have been gathered and dumped curbside, waiting for the leaf truck to come vacuum them up this week.  Trees are bare now.  There is really no more work to be done in terms of yard maintenance until next spring.
The yards are in a state of waiting, you could say.  They're kind of green and alive, kind of brown and dead.  An ugly state waiting for the next thing...to be blanketed in a thick mass of beautiful, white snow. 
How often does life feel like that?  As if we are in a state of waiting, left to wonder about what's coming next.  How often do we feel as if life is in a stage of ugliness and we're just waiting in anticipation for that snow, that pure whiteness that is going to blanket us and make it beautiful?
I have felt it.  Recently, even.  Sometimes it almost seems as if there is always a waiting period around the bend.  A waiting period waiting for us to enter into for a time.  Sometimes short, sometimes lengthy. 

The Lord wants to cover you.  We are told this in Zephaniah 3:17:

"The Lord your God is in your midst,

a mighty one who will save;

he will rejoice over you with gladness;

he will quiet you by his love;

he will exult over you with loud singing."

I love the thought that the Lord is exulting over me with loud singing.  He is quieting me by His love.  He is a blanket of snow that will come cover my ugly state and make me beautiful again.  I just have to wait on Him.

"Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!"  -Psalm 27:14

 

Learning Sacrifice

With the beginning of the school year, I could start to see the lesson God was going to teach me. 
Sacrifice.
I've been part of a Wednesday morning Ladies Bible Study at church for the past three years.  I was looking forward to this year and the book being covered (third in the series we started last year.)  The study ended up being moved to Thursday mornings and I found myself with a choice to make:
Participate or not?
Now, the answer seemed obvious.  I didn't have any other plans on Thursday mornings, besides school with the kids.  Why wouldn't I go to Bible study? 
It wasn't that simple, actually.  Caleb has speech therapy Mondays and Wednesdays right now.  Ellie has piano lessons on Tuesday mornings.  We only do school Mondays-Thursdays.  That leaves Thursday as the only day during the week where we don't have to be somewhere at a certain time.  Did I want to take our only unscheduled school day and change it up, filling up one more day with something to do?
Not really.
Over the past year I also was in a small group over Google chat with my sisters-in-law and another friend every other Thursday night.  Recently one of the girls brought up switching the study to every other Sunday night.  Again, a decision to be made.
We are home on Sunday nights.  It would be obvious that I am available do it that night, especially if it's only once or twice a month.  However, that is our family night.  After the kids go to bed, I go over everything planned for the week, making sure I have school lessons in place and notes for the week prepared.  Then Tim and I sit down and have time with each other.  It's a night for us to unwind from the weekend and re-energize for the coming week.  Did I want to start a habit of taking away that time, even just once or twice month?
Not really.
I felt the word sacrifice in my head and my life.  One of the definitions of this word is: "To forfeit (one thing) for another thing considered to be of greater value."

I am a selfish person.  Really.  I like my "me time."  I like to do what I want to do.  Honestly, since having the kids, they've been the one to probably feel it the most.  There are days where I just want to get away from them.  I would rather spend time with my friends or my husband then my kids. 
I am sure these are feelings that I'm not alone in.  At least it doesn't sound like it from conversations I've had with other mothers.  However, my life right now does not - or will not ever- just contain me in it.  I have four children.  They need me right now, especially with the ages they are at. 
Don't get me wrong.  I'm not saying some "me time" for moms isn't a good thing.  It's a very good thing if that mom wants to stay out of the asylum.  However, I think that my time for myself was being placed higher and higher and more often than my kids.  Here's what I realized:
I needed to forfeit some of the things I was placing as more important than my kids for my kids.  Spiritual growth is important and I think small groups and Bible studies are great.  It's ok to be in just one, though. Last year I was in three.  I cut back to just the church small group we host at our house and it's been great.  Thursday mornings are our best school morning and I think it's because we are all relaxed and many times still in our pajamas. 
The choice to educate at home means I'm giving up some "me time."  I'm not going to lie, some days are really challenging.  It seems like God always sends a good day next, or a reminder for why this is important for our family right now, as an encouragement when those tough days are getting me down and I'm ready to enroll everyone back in school. 
I do still get "me time."  Because I'm home with the kids all day every day, I get a night during the week where I get to leave and do whatever I want (well, within reason.)  I can go to a bookstore or coffee shop or walk around Target alone.  I also still take advantage of nap time.  Noah and Ellie typically spend this time in the playroom and they play really well together during that time, praise God.  Caleb and Zeke sleep.  I get to eat my lunch and relax and re-energize for the afternoon.

I don't know if this is just a season for our family.  I think the question that is most frustrating from people is when they ask how long we plan on homeschooling.  The truth is - I really don't know.  There are people who can say they're going to do it through high school, or junior high, or whatever.  We're committing to take it year by year and continue to look for God's direction.  This may be a season for us, as the Lord teaches us certain lessons we need to learn. 
For me, so far it has been looking at my kids and realizing how important they are.  They are a greater value than every day being "me time" right now.  I can only speak for myself.  You could listen to me talk and say, "Well, Andrea, all moms feel this way."  I wouldn't doubt it.  But you can't look in my heart and see how deep my selfishness really goes, what my thoughts have been.  Only I can see that.  And only I can make the changes I know need to be made. 
Lesson {being} learned.

Old Chair, New Life

Purchased from a thrift store in Grand Haven for $2.99

A coat of primer, 2 coats of off-white, some fabric, and a few hours later:

I did it all by myself, never having re-upholstered furniture or used a staple gun before.  Never underestimate a woman with an idea in her head.  =)

Surprises and Thankfulness

After I wrote the title for this post, I realized I should quickly clarify that this is not a post about the last couple times of "surprise" God brought into mine and Tim's life - I'm NOT pregnant.
Tim and I have been in an interesting time lately, kind of a crossroads with his work.  He's taken a little over a month away from the company he's usually contracted with to do some side jobs.  During that time, some little things have been happening and we've been in a waiting room of sorts for what the next step is going to be.  We should know more tomorrow afternoon and are praying for God's clear direction.
Anyways, that being said, my husband has been in a spot I've not seen him before.  He's been struggling a little with frustration, depression, and stress.  There has been an obvious, and odd, role reversal as he has been the one who is more stressed out and I've been more calm and laid back.  A couple weekends ago, I was sharing with him some blessings I had seen over the days preceding.

I had taken Ellie to my parents' house for the weekend and a friend had joined me.  My parents live near an outlet mall and my mom had said she would babysit the kids while Kerin and I visited the outlets.  I was only planning on window shopping, until my mom surprised me with some money and very direct orders and a promise to only spend the money on myself.  It also turns out that Kerin, like myself, is a frugal shopper - although she was finding deals that were slipping by my eyes.  I think she helped me stretch the money twice as far as it would have gone if I had been by myself.  The outcome of the trip was a fun surprise AND, while trying on clothes and finding ones that actually fit, I realized I have actually dropped a size.  Woo-hoo!  It looks like doing P90X actually worked.  =)

The next day was Saturday, and Tim and I ran around the house all morning deep cleaning like crazy.  We were hosting what our church calls Lunch With A Bunch, where people sign up for lunch at a host house and bring a dish, etc etc etc. We were trying to get it all done before heading to Grand Rapids to visit some friends.  After our cleaning frenzy, I got out of the shower to answer a call from our friend that she wasn't feeling well and would have to cancel.  While we were bummed that we wouldn't get to visit with them, and our kids were sad to not play with their friends, it ended up being a really great evening at home as a family and an in-home date night for Tim and I after the kids went to bed.  Chinese take-out and a movie - yea! Sometimes a turn of events ends up being something your family needs more.

I have to admit that I wasn't too thrilled about hosting lunch the next day.  Especially because I had also offered to bake and bring cookies to the STATS retreat and help with their morning registration at 8:45 AM.  Even though I'm not part of the program anymore, I still support it fully and loved the opportunity to see everyone again.  After church, we had 13 people, in addition to our family of 5 (since Ellie was still with my parents) stuff into our house and we had a great Lunch With A Bunch.  People stayed for almost 4 hours!  It was fun fellowship and good food.  God surprised me with that because all I wanted to do was take a nap, yet I got to learn more about other people in our church community, and I am thankful for that opportunity. 

The next morning, I drove to the meeting spot we have with my parents to pick up Ellie.  After saying good-bye to my mom, we drove just north of Grand Rapids to pick up the second volume of The Mystery of History, which is the history curriculum I use with the kids.  This was a huge surprise to find on Craigslist because I had such a hard time finding anyone selling the first volume and right before I was going to order it new from a website, it came up on Craigslist. I didn't expect to find the second one, and then someone told me about it finding a posting for it.  I emailed the person 5 days after they posted it, expecting it to be gone, but it was still available! More surprises and blessings! 

One of my biggest surprises came when someone dear to me told me they had wanted to buy me the Kate Spade purse.  She said that she had been waiting and wanting to get me something that was above and beyond what I would do for myself.  She said until I told her about the purse, I had never really talked about anything I wanted (besides things like a break from my kids, a nap, a date, things you can't really buy for someone else.)  I told her that I actually was cured of the Kate Spade purse because I had read the reviews posted on the website about how it had come with a horrible chemical smell that people had to air outside for days before it stopped smelling.  Another person said she had hers for a month before it started fading.  Cute purse, yes.  Worth the trouble, no.  However, she knew how much I was longing for a purse, and that there was another one I would NEVER in a million years buy for myself, and she bought it for me. 
It is very easy for me to give to others.  I love doing that - buying gifts for people, giving money, giving time, watching their kids so they can have a break.  I'm not very good on the receiving end.  I appreciate it so much, but always feel clumsy because there are no words or way I can express how thankful I feel.  It was such a generous and beautiful gift and I smile every time I sling it over my shoulder.  One more surprise.

When times feel overwhelming, I like to look for the little (or big) things God puts in my life to remind me He is there.  I know it sounds cliche, but I really think you can always find at least one thing to be thankful for.  I've heard it said that you can't feel more than one emotion at a time.  If you spend your time focusing on being thankful or grateful or finding something to take joy in or looking for the little smile God places in your day...it's a place to start.

Have you been surprised lately or found something to be thankful for?  How did it change your day? 

Good

I love living in Michigan at this time of the year. 
True, during dinner yesterday, it was raining, sunny, and cold all at the same time.  That's what makes it fun, right?  The weather is a guessing game when you live in Michigan.
The temperature, though, in the 60s, is perfect to me.  The mix of sun and clouds throughout the day are a great balance.  After such a hot, sunny summer, it's nice to have a little bit of a dreary day that makes you want to grab a blanket and curl up. 
I'm eating leftover loaded baked potato soup that I made in the crockpot yesterday.  There is a pumpkin-nutmeg scented candle that is lit on the dining room table.  My neck is being kept warm by a fall scarf - not too bulky, not too light - that I've had for years, and my toes are cold.  I tried putting socks on them yesterday but they came off after a couple hours.  I'm just not there yet.  The first batch of pumpkin chocolate chip muffins just came out of the oven and I'm having to hold myself back from diving into them.

All I can do is look around, breathe in the scents, and think,  
God is good.  I mean, really good.
It doesn't always seem like it.  Not in my life, not in the lives of others, not in the news.  There are times it seems like God is absent.  But he's not.  He's there, even if He's quiet.  He's good, even when life doesn't feel like it.  He can't be anything else.
That is such a hard concept to get.  I don't always get it.  There are days like today when it is easier to take in than others.  There are days when our prayer requests seem more numerous than our praises.  It doesn't change the fact that HE IS GOOD.
Always.

"The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; he knows those who take refuge in him." -Nahum 1:7

Have you taken the time to notice God's goodness today in your life?

Confession Time

I have a confession.
Or maybe you can relate.

Before I had kids, I used to love purses and shoes.  I loved shopping for them and wearing them and having different ones to choose from. 
Then I had kids.
My purses have to meet requirements now.  I don't use a diaper bag because I don't want to be carrying around multiple bags, and by the time your fourth baby comes, you realize what you do and don't need to carry around with you.  Can I fit multiple diapers in 2 different sizes in my purse?  Can I fit a travel wipes case?  Can I fit my wallet?  Can I throw in a sippy cup or extra pair of kids' undies?  How about pockets for my phone and pacifiers?
I have resigned to the fact that right now cute purses and shoes are not necessities and can wait.  A large part of this is not because I want to be a frumpy mom, but due to finances.  It's not easy- or cheap- to be a family of 6!  
The last purse I bought was a couple years ago from Target.  It is now falling apart.  This summer I decided to give it a rest and use a bag I had sewn years ago.  It's cute and summery, but it's not summer anymore.  It fit the requirements of a large enough bag to hold most of the stuff I need to take with me, but it doesn't have pockets or compartments or organization so it's like a giant black hole.  That was fine for the flexible summer, but not so much now that we have places to be at certain times and I have to keep my head on straight.
Last week, in a very long and twisty series of events that started out on craigslist looking for a used boys bike for Noah (his recently broke), I ended up on Kate Spade's website.  There I found this purse.

The Vanston Stripe Quinn

Now I can't stop thinking about it!  And it amazes me the games my mind starts to play now.  Here's the thing: I would never go into Target or any store and think $131 is ok for me to spend on a purse.  Yet I saw this, and my first thought was, Oh, wow.  It's such a good price.  It's marked down from $328!  That's almost $200 less than the original price.  That's great!
Now, if you live in a world where you have that kind of extra money to spend, then that probably IS a great price!  For us, though, it's just not possible at this point.
But it has compartments.
And a middle zippered compartment (my favorite!)
It's lined with green fabric. My favorite color is green.
And such cute stripes.

Argh!
Does anyone else feel where I'm coming from?  Has anyone experienced those moments where you go from being totally content with everything, then it comes to needing something new (I mean, my purse/bag is actually falling apart...although, as Tim mentioned, I do know how to sew and can mend it up) and you start wanting things you can't have or afford or that aren't practical?
I was trying to explain the issue around this purse to him.  I don't know if it's because it feels like an adult purse, like a grown-up purchase.  I don't know if it's the fact I could buy it from somewhere that doesn't also sell diapers, shampoo and Cheez-Its.  I don't know if it's because I think I would feel more feminine by carrying this purse?  As if my appearance would suddenly say, "Hello.  I am more than a mom.  I am also a woman."  Are there any others out there who wrestle with these thoughts???

I know that my value isn't found in this purse.  I know that I really don't need it. I especially don't need it to be happy.  I do think it's funny that I really have to guard my thoughts with it because I can easily see where if I continue to dwell on this purse it could cause me to be discontent and I don't want that.  My husband works hard and a painter only gets paid so much.  I would never want to give him the impression that what he does isn't good enough or doesn't provide a good life for us.  We have great times as a family and with those around us.  More of the things that bring us joy in life are relationships we have, not the material things.

Good-bye, Vanston Stripe Quinn.  I guess I had to write my way through a self-therapy lesson to remember that you don't determine my value.  Would I enjoy using you as an accessory to my outfits?  Yes.  But I can't keep spending what little spare time I have thinking about you....

"Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life." ~Proverbs 4:23
 
Is there anything you catch yourself thinking about that could cause discontent in your life if you spent too much time dwelling on it?

Back to the Basics: Fun With Sidewalk Chalk

"Oh, what a world this life would be

Forget all your Technicolor dreams

Forget modern nature

This is how it's meant to be."

~Sondre Lerche, 'Modern Nature'~

This Man

I love this man.

Some days I don't like him at times.  I know deep down, though, that as the moment passes and both our tempers cool down, we're still standing side by side, hand in hand.

I love that he was courageous enough to let go of his college education, four and a half years in, to provide for his family at that time.  God blessed him by showing him that what he was seeking a degree in was not what he wanted to spend his life doing.  Instead he wanted to paint.  Restore.  Build.  Create.  Use his hands and tools. Use the talent he has been given.  Leave a white collar world for a blue collar status and be happy in it.

I love that he interacts with our kids.  He gets down and plays with them.  He listens to them.  He gives them baths, reads them a story, prays with them, and puts them to bed at night.  He disciplines them.  He takes them to the store, gives them a piece of wood to draw on or build a robot out of.  He involves them in what he's doing as much as they are able to.  He teaches them.

I love that every single time in the delivery room, he was in tears.  It didn't matter if it was our first baby or fourth baby, the wonder and awe of a life being brought forth was overcoming to him.  I love that the first thing he did was lean down and kiss my head every time and tell me what an amazing job I did.  I love the coach he was.

I love that he thinks I'm beautiful whether he comes home to find me in my yoga pants and a t-shirt with a bare face, or in jeans and a nice shirt with make-up and earrings on.  And he tells me every single day.  I love that he can see past my inside ugly moments and know there is beautiful in there struggling to come out.  There are days I don't even like myself, but he loves me still.

I love the passion he has for seeing others grow in their faith.  He wants others to see their potential in Christ, to know that in life the best parts are taking the leaps of faith.  They are scary moments for sure, but he has experienced God's awesome blessings and provisions by walking forward, believing that God will come through on His promises.  He loves rejoicing with others who get to experience those miracles as well. 

I love his hugs.  I love falling asleep next to him.  When I experience an anxiety attack, I lay my ear on his chest and listen to his rhythmic, steady heartbeat and it calms my own.  I love when we spend an evening laughing together, or an evening in quiet while in the same room, as we are now, each doing his or her own thing.  The occasional comment or question aloud, but with a soundtrack of silence.

I love this man.

   

How Do You Spell "First Day of Homeschool?"

Let me answer that title question for you:

D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R

Disaster.
We decided to start on Labor Day.  Tim was home, we had no plans, the kids kept asking how much longer until we start, so I thought, Hey, why not?  It's as good a time as any.
I started to freak out as we went downstairs.  Caleb was a mess.  Zeke was a mess.  Tim was locking himself in bathrooms to clean them for me, good husband that he is.  Noah compared everything we did to how he did things in the public school.  Ellie wanted to learn but was distracted by her crying brothers.
Almost an hour later we moved outside for a change or scenery.
A half hour later, I was holding Zeke outside the bathroom, crying (me, not Zeke) and telling Tim that I was going to quit.
Noah was outside, crying, after asking if he could go back to "real school" the next day.
Ellie, soft heart that she has hidden under all that stubbornness, wrapped her arms around me to comfort me.  She really is a blessing and I am reminded of that in unexpected moments.
Thank God Tim had the day off because he took over the kids for the rest of the afternoon.  I, however, opened the blog, Confessions of a Homeschooler, and remained on there for the following five hours.  I nailed down our problem pretty quickly.
One of the beautiful things about homeschooling is that you can tailor it to your family's needs.  I had been told by many families to not have any expectations and to be flexible.  I took it a bit too literally and went in pretty much unprepared, thinking I could just open the books and follow the directions. 
This may work for some families, but I found out quickly it does not work for ours.  I like routine and schedules, my kids do as well.  We are flexible and we love a lazy day where plans pop up along the way, but during the week we like to know what's going on.  The more I read the Confessions website, the more ideas I came across, and the more I accomplished, especially the idea of Work Boxes.  Since I don't have boxes, though, we use Work Folders and this is the favorite part of the kids' day.  They LOVE them!

Enter Day 2:
How do you spell the second day of homeschool?

S-U-C-C-E-S-S

Success.  Halfway through the morning, Noah made the comment, "Hey, I think I really like homeschooling."

 Using play-dough to try to create Adam and Eve.  We had to remember to "remove" Adam's rib to craft Eve out of it.

Me, too, Noah.  Me, too.

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever.  Amen."  -Ephesians 3: 20-21

Running Away

I remember when I was young and tried to run away, around 6 or 7 years old.  I told my mom as I left the house that I was going to live with my grandparents and was walking there (in reality, they lived less than 10 minutes away.)  I made it almost to the end of our driveway when my mom called, "What will you do about the dogs?"
Dogs?
"The mean dogs you find along the way.  How will you protect yourself?"
And with that I changed my mind and decided it wouldn't be too bad to continue living at home.

Today I got to experience the other side of the situation, as the mom. 
We have had a big week with starting to homeschool, writing out house rules, and introducing a chore chart along with discipline cards. This morning was going well until Noah came in contact with a discipline card, the first one to be used.  Actually, two cards because he broke a rule twice.  He drew the cards for "Wipe light switches" and "Wash dinner dishes."  Ellie, who loves to clean (I may have to come up with different discipline cards for her!), was intrigued by this.
"I want a discipline card," she said.
"No, Ellie.  You don't just get one." I told her.
"Well, fine," she answered back, the sassy tone creeping in.  "Then I will not do my schoolwork today." Now, I knew two things: (1) She was acting this way in the hopes of getting a discipline card and (2):
"Ellie, you already finished all your schoolwork."
"Fine.  Then I will NOT listen to Noah read the story," she tried back.
"You don't have to.  It's part of Noah's school work to read to me, not yours."

A short time later she announced:
"I guess you will just have three boys because I am not going to be your girl anymore."
"Is that so?" I asked her.  "Whose girl are you going to be?"
"I will go to another family."
"Oh, really.  Whose?"
"Ummm.....Leighton and Maddie's" she spoke triumphantly.
"Maddie is only 10.  She's not old enough to have a little girl," I countered back.
"Well, then I'll be Jen's girl." (Jen is one of my dearest friends, and Maddie and Leighton's mom.)
I called Jen and told her Ellie did not want to be part of our family anymore but would like to join theirs. 
Jen laughed and said, "Fine, but tell her our rules are the same as yours."
I relayed the message and Ellie went upstairs, I thought, in defeat.

A short time later she came outside, overstuffed backpack not dragging her down and announced she was ready.  After a quick check in her backpack to find winter pajamas, long sleeve shirts, shorts, and undies, I asked her how she was going to get to Jen's.
"You can drive me."
"No."
"Jen can come get me."
"She wants gas money."
"I have money in my piggybank.  Actually, I will drive myself."
Enter the voice of lawfulness (Noah): "Ellie, if you drive yourself, then you will get pulled over by the police and you will get a ticket and thrown in jail!"
"Fine," the fight not weakening in my stubborn 4 year-old.  "I will walk."
"Eleanor," I told her.  "It takes us almost 45 minutes to drive to Jen's house.  Do you really think you can walk that far?  You're not even wearing shoes!"
She sulked off into the house.

I found her inside, putting her shoes on.  Noah was wiping light switches at this point.  I put Zeke down with some toys.  I was in the kitchen, the gate up and blocking the way to the side stairs and door, when Noah announced that Ellie and Caleb had gone out the back door and were headed through the gate to the driveway.  I somewhat hurdled over the gate, opened the side door, and grabbed Caleb, swinging him over to the other side of the gate.  Ellie looked at me and walked on. 
I grabbed the camera.

I know, I know.  Some moms might think that was a horrible thing to do.  I, however, knew she wouldn't follow through with running away. I wasn't going to let her run away.  But I sure was going to document the process so that one day, when she has the daughter just like her that I've threatened her with, and she calls me and is all up in arms about what to do with that daughter, I am going to pull out those pictures and share these stories.
Because I choose to believe that she will be able to outgrow this stubborn and difficult behavior and mature into a lovely, godly, young woman some day.  (Please, Lord, let that day be soon.)
And that lovely, godly, young woman might need to learn one day why her mother's hair turned gray so early on in years.

I stood in the front door, unseen by her for a little bit, as she walked to the end of the driveway and turned right down the sidewalk. 

The door opened behind me and Noah, tears streaming down his face, pleaded at me, "MOM!  She can't run away.  You can't let her run away!" I reassured him that no such thing was going to happen but that she had to try this, learn her lesson.

She made it to our neighbor's driveway, stopped, contemplated, and turned back.

She walked home.

And then kept right on walking past our driveway.

She stopped right past it, looked at me, and announced she was headed in that direction. 
I took her picture.

Then Caleb pushed past Noah at the door and took off running after her.  Which made Ellie shriek with laughter and run down the sidewalk, her little brother chasing her.  I passed the camera off to Noah and took off after both of them.  I snatched Caleb up - again - and told Ellie, maintaining a calm and quiet voice so the neighbors couldn't hear through their open windows, "Get inside the house now or you will be going to take a nap without eating lunch first."

She came home, much to the delight of her brothers.

And mother.

Our Second Home

"At the Sea-side"

By Robert Louis Stevenson

 

When I was down beside the sea,

A wooden spade they gave to me

To dig the sandy shore.

My holes were empty like a cup. 

In every hole the sea came up, 

Til it could come no more.

 

Saying Goodbye to Summer With Food

                                                                             A late dinner and some candlelight

                                                                                          A little surf and turf

                                                                                 A goodbye-to-summer dinner

                                With good friends and a Jimmy Buffet Pandora station for background music

 

                                                   And a break from speed Scrabble to enjoy creme brulee


                                                                                       Good-bye summer. 

Our Next Step

"If a child can't learn the way we teach, maybe we should teach the way they learn." -Ignacio Estrada

"I could never homeschool."  -Me

 In this previous post I mentioned that there was a step 3 our family is taking.  After Ezekiel was born, not long after the New Year, I felt something creeping up inside me.  It was this desire to start on a homeschooling path with the kids.  I knew this idea could not be of my own making because I have always had the opinion of my own personal quote above. 
Homeschool?  Are you kidding me??  I can't wait to send my kids to school!  All of them!  Take them now and let me have my independence and quiet and a whole day to read a book if I want to!  I couldn't be around all my kids all day for the rest of the time they're at home.  I'm not qualified to teach them.  I didn't study education in school!  Who am I to teach my own kids??
Wait, what?
Yet somehow this homeschool idea kept creeping in on me.  So began the mental and emotional struggle. I had to spring the idea onto Tim. Many prayers were sent up. We spent months talking to other families who educate their children at home or who were themselves educated by their parents.  The decision was not entered into lightly.  After all, I also had to overcome this feeling that I was going to mess up my kids by not sending them to off to school.
Here are factors that helped us reach our decision:

*We are realizing how fast life is speeding by.  It sounds, oh-so-cliche, but if you have kids, I'm sure you feel it, too.  With each child we've welcomed into life, we've also been surprised by how quickly their first birthday seems to come upon us.  Noah was only in half-day kindergarten last year and it felt like we had so little time together.  There was already homework every night.  And we weren't even into full day school or sports or after-school activities!  Are we going to be sending him off to college at 18 realizing that the majority of the hours of his day were spent away from us already?  Are we going to wish we had more time training him ourselves?

*We aren't a lazy family by any means and our kids recognize the importance of being somewhere on time, but I am not a fan of our lives being controlled by the school system.  Drop them off at this time, pick them up now, this is when your Christmas break is, Spring Break, summer vacation, here are some random days off while our teachers are in-service or just because.  Tim is self-employed and contracted by someone so he has the flexibility of time off when he needs/wants it.  We could take a vacation during off-peak travel times and not have to worry about school absences, missed schoolwork, etc. 

*I love that we can make their education bigger than it is within the walls of a school.  Our field trips can be as small as the zoo or museum, or as big as a trip to DC, Gettysburg, Niagara Falls, etc.  We are going to use the Charlotte Mason style of teaching, which is big on "living books" - not just dry textbooks, but books that come alive for the kids.  I also like that there are people in our life who can become part of their education, and we have people who are excited about this as well, already asking if they can teach them certain topics.  The whole "It takes a village" mentality is taking on a different form.

*This isn't about sheltering our kids.  We're in a great school system and I plan on taking this one year at a time.  If, for some reason, we feel homeschooling is not the best option for our kids, then at least we don't have a problem putting them back in the school district that we live in.  We're not worried about their social lives either.  They have neighbor kids, cousins their age, friends from church, friends that are the children of our friends, and are going to be involved with upcoming things this year - Ellie in gymnastics and beginning piano lessons and Noah in soccer.  I want my kids to learn about different subjects, things like world religions - but I want it to be taught by Tim and myself, not a teacher who may put our faith on the same level as the others.

*The quote at the very top is another big reason for our decision.  Our kids have different learning styles.  All kids do.  You put 20+ kids with multiple learning styles in a classroom with 1 teacher and you can't expect that teacher to teach each kid in the learning style that is best for them.  We will be able to tailor our teaching to their learning style.  Noah has a little engineer mind, he is crazy for Legos and anything that he can create and build with.  He loves math and directions.  Ellie is a free spirit.  She is creative, artsy and flowing.  She likes to move while learning.  If she needs to do jumping jacks or run around the room between answering questions, then she can have the freedom to do that.  I don't want her to be labeled as a distraction or ADD or ADHD just because she needs some wiggle room.

*The other thing that weighs heavily on me is that, if God gave us these kids to care for, teach, and train up during their time on earth, then why am I so quick to want to send them off to have someone else do those things in my place?  If a child can complete most of their studies in less than 4 hours at home, why are they in school all day?  When I told one of my friends I was going to homeschool, she asked if I had the desire to work outside the home, and how was I going to do that if they weren't in school?  But the things is - I don't.  I have zero desire in me whatsoever to work outside the home right now or at any point, really.  What I really want to do is write and I can do that anywhere and anytime that I am able.  I want to volunteer with different causes at some point, but I don't want to hold an office job or the like.  And, like my friend, Lacey, said (summarized) - when all my kids are in school, I would probably sit at home on my behind eating chocolate and being lazy.  I'm not going to lie, there are days that idea sounds really appealing! 

So that is our big step we're taking.  Thankfully, we have friends and family who homeschool their children and have already been a wonderful support system as we start this journey.  There are also multiple families we know who are also getting started homeschooling, so we don't feel as scared or inadequate since we're all in the same boat. 

Am I nervous?  Terrified! 
Am I excited? Absolutely!

I nailed down the different curriculum books I want to use for this coming year and had butterflies in my stomach earlier today just from reading over the descriptions and with the excitement of finalizing the decisions.
And, thankfully, I have the assurance that I don't have the strength to do this - but God does.  That there are going to be days I heavily rely on His patience, guidance, and strength to get our family through the day.  But, really, isn't every day of parenting like that already?  This is not a decision for everyone, but it's the decision we've made in our family's best interest. 

We owe a huge thank you to people who have helped us - not by telling us what decision to make - but by offering advice, wisdom, listening ears, and experience.  You all know who you are. =)