Learning Sacrifice

With the beginning of the school year, I could start to see the lesson God was going to teach me. 
Sacrifice.
I've been part of a Wednesday morning Ladies Bible Study at church for the past three years.  I was looking forward to this year and the book being covered (third in the series we started last year.)  The study ended up being moved to Thursday mornings and I found myself with a choice to make:
Participate or not?
Now, the answer seemed obvious.  I didn't have any other plans on Thursday mornings, besides school with the kids.  Why wouldn't I go to Bible study? 
It wasn't that simple, actually.  Caleb has speech therapy Mondays and Wednesdays right now.  Ellie has piano lessons on Tuesday mornings.  We only do school Mondays-Thursdays.  That leaves Thursday as the only day during the week where we don't have to be somewhere at a certain time.  Did I want to take our only unscheduled school day and change it up, filling up one more day with something to do?
Not really.
Over the past year I also was in a small group over Google chat with my sisters-in-law and another friend every other Thursday night.  Recently one of the girls brought up switching the study to every other Sunday night.  Again, a decision to be made.
We are home on Sunday nights.  It would be obvious that I am available do it that night, especially if it's only once or twice a month.  However, that is our family night.  After the kids go to bed, I go over everything planned for the week, making sure I have school lessons in place and notes for the week prepared.  Then Tim and I sit down and have time with each other.  It's a night for us to unwind from the weekend and re-energize for the coming week.  Did I want to start a habit of taking away that time, even just once or twice month?
Not really.
I felt the word sacrifice in my head and my life.  One of the definitions of this word is: "To forfeit (one thing) for another thing considered to be of greater value."

I am a selfish person.  Really.  I like my "me time."  I like to do what I want to do.  Honestly, since having the kids, they've been the one to probably feel it the most.  There are days where I just want to get away from them.  I would rather spend time with my friends or my husband then my kids. 
I am sure these are feelings that I'm not alone in.  At least it doesn't sound like it from conversations I've had with other mothers.  However, my life right now does not - or will not ever- just contain me in it.  I have four children.  They need me right now, especially with the ages they are at. 
Don't get me wrong.  I'm not saying some "me time" for moms isn't a good thing.  It's a very good thing if that mom wants to stay out of the asylum.  However, I think that my time for myself was being placed higher and higher and more often than my kids.  Here's what I realized:
I needed to forfeit some of the things I was placing as more important than my kids for my kids.  Spiritual growth is important and I think small groups and Bible studies are great.  It's ok to be in just one, though. Last year I was in three.  I cut back to just the church small group we host at our house and it's been great.  Thursday mornings are our best school morning and I think it's because we are all relaxed and many times still in our pajamas. 
The choice to educate at home means I'm giving up some "me time."  I'm not going to lie, some days are really challenging.  It seems like God always sends a good day next, or a reminder for why this is important for our family right now, as an encouragement when those tough days are getting me down and I'm ready to enroll everyone back in school. 
I do still get "me time."  Because I'm home with the kids all day every day, I get a night during the week where I get to leave and do whatever I want (well, within reason.)  I can go to a bookstore or coffee shop or walk around Target alone.  I also still take advantage of nap time.  Noah and Ellie typically spend this time in the playroom and they play really well together during that time, praise God.  Caleb and Zeke sleep.  I get to eat my lunch and relax and re-energize for the afternoon.

I don't know if this is just a season for our family.  I think the question that is most frustrating from people is when they ask how long we plan on homeschooling.  The truth is - I really don't know.  There are people who can say they're going to do it through high school, or junior high, or whatever.  We're committing to take it year by year and continue to look for God's direction.  This may be a season for us, as the Lord teaches us certain lessons we need to learn. 
For me, so far it has been looking at my kids and realizing how important they are.  They are a greater value than every day being "me time" right now.  I can only speak for myself.  You could listen to me talk and say, "Well, Andrea, all moms feel this way."  I wouldn't doubt it.  But you can't look in my heart and see how deep my selfishness really goes, what my thoughts have been.  Only I can see that.  And only I can make the changes I know need to be made. 
Lesson {being} learned.