It was a long road trip for such a short amount of time (spending an afternoon driving to Ohio, staying the night and waking up early to hustle it to Virginia for the funeral and family visiting, and waking up early the next morning to book it back to Michigan.) However, it gave Tim and I a wonderful amount of time to spend talking with no interruptions and the ability to really hear each other. During the week leading up to our unexpected trip, we had started going over questions from a post a pastor had put on his blog (found through Pinterest.)
There are 50 questions and they start out pretty basic and work their way up (or down, if we're talking depth here.) A question came up, I can't remember which or the way it was worded, and I hesitated before asking it to Tim. I knew in my heart the answer and was scared his would be the same and I would be...caught, if you will. Found out. I may be forced to face an issue I didn't want to talk about. I asked the question.
And waited while he hesitated. I could see him weighing in his mind how to form an answer and I knew, I just knew, what he was going to say.
"I know you love our kids," he said and then paused again before carefully weighing his words. "But I wonder sometimes if you really like them. You know, if they're just something else or more in your life."
That's when I started to cry.
And when I had to face reality.
Because no matter how hard you try to hide some things, it just doesn't work. Tim can see right through me. It's one of the things that makes us such a good pair: we know each other even when we think we're hiding our emotions or true thoughts from the other. And we're committed enough to call each other out, even if it's hard, because we know the importance of working it out.
So I finally laid bare the emotions, thoughts and struggles that I had been keeping to myself.
I told him how I was having a hard time reconciling reality to the way I thought life was going to be. I only wanted 2 kids - I was at that time pregnant with my fourth. I thought at that point we would be done with diapers, teething, sleepless nights. We would be able to take family vacations that weren't so limited by age, strollers, and swim diapers. I could go to the grocery store with 2 children able to responsibly walk beside the cart instead of having to ride in it or get the cart with the bench that sits 2 kids, along with the child riding in the seat of the cart. I thought we could go to the beach without having to worry about who was eating sand. I thought I would have more time for me.
I told Tim I was having trouble finding joy in my life. I would listen to all these people talk about how wonderful my kids are, how well behaved and respectful and kind and on and on and on. I would smile and nod my head and think, what's wrong with me??
I pretty much verbally vomited on him.
He's amazing, my husband. He listened and we talked about it. After the funeral, I talked to my sister-in-law about it and she gave wonderful counsel. (Check out her blog here. She has a passion for women seeking Truth.)
It was almost as if getting all that out was like a deep cleansing of my soul. I felt better voicing it, like I was able to conquer lies because I had put name and voice to my fears and struggles. I felt new.
Then Ezekiel was born. I was shocked at how deeply and quickly I fell in love with him. It almost scared me, really. With the other ones it seemed like it took a bit to feel that connection but the moment I saw him and made eye contact, I was a goner.
And I knew.
I knew that some choices Tim and I had made in the van driving back from Virginia were the right choices. I had decided to finish out my job with the school year. I loved the people I was working with and the program I was working for. I was working part time, from home, and it was harder than I thought to do that. It was competing with my kids for my time and often I was choosing work over them. I was taking frustrations out on my family that they didn't deserve.
Step one was going to be choosing to live joyfully. I had a hunger to find joy in every day. This can be done with a thankful heart. After making this decision, I started reading One Thousand Gifts and it was as if God was affirming what I had just been through and what I could hear Him telling me. If you haven't read the book, you really should.
Step two was going to be finishing out my job and leaving. My kids needed more than my leftovers. They needed a mom who is actively in their lives. I was physically present and mentally absent.
Step three...well, that's for another day and another post as it is a long one.
"Joy is the serious business of heaven." -C.S. Lewis
2 comments:
oh andrea....once again, i can sooo relate to this post. i too, while pregnant with pips, was feeling angry and frustrated. i never thought i would have more kids after our two and i too was excited to have more ME time finally. then i saw her and just like you, i knew that God had a plan and it far outweighed my plan. and His plan was so much better than i ever thought possible. i love your honesty!
Love your transparency, and glad you found time to write again! I'm excited to hear about Step 3, too. :-) We've moved to GR, so let's get together this summer!
Post a Comment