Our friends, the Nashes, are missionaries in Rwanda with the organization City of Joy. They are back here for the next couple of months and tonight they are staying at our house. We have been so excited to see them and spend time together since it's been a year and that visit was a very short one. Our playroom doubles as our guest room so after Noah's swim lesson this morning, we came home and got to work on picking up toys and cleaning the room.
Now, I don't know what you wear when you clean, but I'll just say right now that today I was wearing yoga pants, a t-shirt and had taken off my bra. I use the reasoning of the connection between bra-wearing and breast cancer to justify my freedom while at home without company. Anyways, rabbit trailing, but important information you'll need to know for later.
So. The toys are finally picked up and I have just sent the kids off to place elsewhere because who wants kids in a room that was just organized? I also have to vacuum still. We have a Rainbow Vacuum that we bought after Noah was born. The thing cleans amazingly well and is great for those with allergies and asthma but it's a beast because it's a big, heavy bagless canister (the only downside to it) that uses water. After you have vacuumed, you dump out the water and are embarrassed/rewarded by seeing all the nasty junk you just cleaned off a floor you thought was maybe kind of decent at least.
I went out the door to the backyard and to the place I dump the dirty water. As I try to open the door to go back inside, I realize it's locked. Not the lock on the handle, the dead bolt. I hear a little noise and look down to see a mop of brown hair trying to turn the door handle. It looks up at me. "Mama?"
"Caleb!" I shout so he can hear me. "Unlock the door!"
Well, somehow those hands were able to turn and lock the deadbolt but aren't strong enough to turn and unlock it. And he's trying. It's just not happening. I need a new tactic.
"Caleb!" I shout again. "Go get Noah!"
He stares at me.
"Go get Ellie!" I try again.
I can hear him say in his adorable and excited tone, "Eh-ya-ya?" (That's how he has always said his name and now it sticks for him, no thanks to Ellie, who refers to herself as Eh-ya-ya when talking to him. 'I'm over here, Caleb. Eh-ya-ya is in the living room.')
He turns to run off and then stops a few feet away to look back at me.
"That's it!" I yell. "Go get Ellie! Get Noah!"
Now, yes, there is a spare key hidden somewhere. And, yes, I could have probably found it, but it only opens the front door and this is where that tidbit of information from earlier comes in - I have no bra on. And I have nosy neighbors of elderly age.
Instead of continuing to run off, he runs back with a big smile on his face. I see him run back in to the laundry room, past the door and then he comes back a moment later with a laundry basket. He turns it upside down to climb on top of it. To see me better so we can talk. Through the glass on the door.
"Eh-ya-ya?" he asks.
"GO GET ELLIE! GO GET NOAH!"
Instead he starts to fiddle around more with the deadbolt and jabber to me in his own little speech-impaired toddler language.
I hear a click.
I try the door.
It's open!
I slowly open it a few inches while encouraging Caleb to get off the basket and out of my way so I can come in without trampling him. As he runs off, happy to have helped Mom (although he got me into the predicament in the first place) I notice he's not wearing pants.
Life has never been dull since having children.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
I've Got the Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy...or do I?
Back in November, Tim's grandma passed away. We dropped off the kids at my parents' house and, at 37 weeks pregnant, drove to Virginia to attend the funeral. She was Tim's last living grandparent, the one we named our Eleanor after, and a wonderful and godly woman. We are thankful for the trips we made in the last few years to visit her and give the kids the opportunity to meet her, whether they remember it one day or not.
It was a long road trip for such a short amount of time (spending an afternoon driving to Ohio, staying the night and waking up early to hustle it to Virginia for the funeral and family visiting, and waking up early the next morning to book it back to Michigan.) However, it gave Tim and I a wonderful amount of time to spend talking with no interruptions and the ability to really hear each other. During the week leading up to our unexpected trip, we had started going over questions from a post a pastor had put on his blog (found through Pinterest.)
There are 50 questions and they start out pretty basic and work their way up (or down, if we're talking depth here.) A question came up, I can't remember which or the way it was worded, and I hesitated before asking it to Tim. I knew in my heart the answer and was scared his would be the same and I would be...caught, if you will. Found out. I may be forced to face an issue I didn't want to talk about. I asked the question.
And waited while he hesitated. I could see him weighing in his mind how to form an answer and I knew, I just knew, what he was going to say.
"I know you love our kids," he said and then paused again before carefully weighing his words. "But I wonder sometimes if you really like them. You know, if they're just something else or more in your life."
That's when I started to cry.
And when I had to face reality.
Because no matter how hard you try to hide some things, it just doesn't work. Tim can see right through me. It's one of the things that makes us such a good pair: we know each other even when we think we're hiding our emotions or true thoughts from the other. And we're committed enough to call each other out, even if it's hard, because we know the importance of working it out.
So I finally laid bare the emotions, thoughts and struggles that I had been keeping to myself.
I told him how I was having a hard time reconciling reality to the way I thought life was going to be. I only wanted 2 kids - I was at that time pregnant with my fourth. I thought at that point we would be done with diapers, teething, sleepless nights. We would be able to take family vacations that weren't so limited by age, strollers, and swim diapers. I could go to the grocery store with 2 children able to responsibly walk beside the cart instead of having to ride in it or get the cart with the bench that sits 2 kids, along with the child riding in the seat of the cart. I thought we could go to the beach without having to worry about who was eating sand. I thought I would have more time for me.
I told Tim I was having trouble finding joy in my life. I would listen to all these people talk about how wonderful my kids are, how well behaved and respectful and kind and on and on and on. I would smile and nod my head and think, what's wrong with me??
I pretty much verbally vomited on him.
He's amazing, my husband. He listened and we talked about it. After the funeral, I talked to my sister-in-law about it and she gave wonderful counsel. (Check out her blog here. She has a passion for women seeking Truth.)
It was almost as if getting all that out was like a deep cleansing of my soul. I felt better voicing it, like I was able to conquer lies because I had put name and voice to my fears and struggles. I felt new.
Then Ezekiel was born. I was shocked at how deeply and quickly I fell in love with him. It almost scared me, really. With the other ones it seemed like it took a bit to feel that connection but the moment I saw him and made eye contact, I was a goner.
And I knew.
I knew that some choices Tim and I had made in the van driving back from Virginia were the right choices. I had decided to finish out my job with the school year. I loved the people I was working with and the program I was working for. I was working part time, from home, and it was harder than I thought to do that. It was competing with my kids for my time and often I was choosing work over them. I was taking frustrations out on my family that they didn't deserve.
Step one was going to be choosing to live joyfully. I had a hunger to find joy in every day. This can be done with a thankful heart. After making this decision, I started reading One Thousand Gifts and it was as if God was affirming what I had just been through and what I could hear Him telling me. If you haven't read the book, you really should.
Step two was going to be finishing out my job and leaving. My kids needed more than my leftovers. They needed a mom who is actively in their lives. I was physically present and mentally absent.
Step three...well, that's for another day and another post as it is a long one.
"Joy is the serious business of heaven." -C.S. Lewis
Lord, thank you for my children - ALL of them. Help me to appreciate and find joy in the chaos of each day. Amen.
It was a long road trip for such a short amount of time (spending an afternoon driving to Ohio, staying the night and waking up early to hustle it to Virginia for the funeral and family visiting, and waking up early the next morning to book it back to Michigan.) However, it gave Tim and I a wonderful amount of time to spend talking with no interruptions and the ability to really hear each other. During the week leading up to our unexpected trip, we had started going over questions from a post a pastor had put on his blog (found through Pinterest.)
There are 50 questions and they start out pretty basic and work their way up (or down, if we're talking depth here.) A question came up, I can't remember which or the way it was worded, and I hesitated before asking it to Tim. I knew in my heart the answer and was scared his would be the same and I would be...caught, if you will. Found out. I may be forced to face an issue I didn't want to talk about. I asked the question.
And waited while he hesitated. I could see him weighing in his mind how to form an answer and I knew, I just knew, what he was going to say.
"I know you love our kids," he said and then paused again before carefully weighing his words. "But I wonder sometimes if you really like them. You know, if they're just something else or more in your life."
That's when I started to cry.
And when I had to face reality.
Because no matter how hard you try to hide some things, it just doesn't work. Tim can see right through me. It's one of the things that makes us such a good pair: we know each other even when we think we're hiding our emotions or true thoughts from the other. And we're committed enough to call each other out, even if it's hard, because we know the importance of working it out.
So I finally laid bare the emotions, thoughts and struggles that I had been keeping to myself.
I told him how I was having a hard time reconciling reality to the way I thought life was going to be. I only wanted 2 kids - I was at that time pregnant with my fourth. I thought at that point we would be done with diapers, teething, sleepless nights. We would be able to take family vacations that weren't so limited by age, strollers, and swim diapers. I could go to the grocery store with 2 children able to responsibly walk beside the cart instead of having to ride in it or get the cart with the bench that sits 2 kids, along with the child riding in the seat of the cart. I thought we could go to the beach without having to worry about who was eating sand. I thought I would have more time for me.
I told Tim I was having trouble finding joy in my life. I would listen to all these people talk about how wonderful my kids are, how well behaved and respectful and kind and on and on and on. I would smile and nod my head and think, what's wrong with me??
I pretty much verbally vomited on him.
He's amazing, my husband. He listened and we talked about it. After the funeral, I talked to my sister-in-law about it and she gave wonderful counsel. (Check out her blog here. She has a passion for women seeking Truth.)
It was almost as if getting all that out was like a deep cleansing of my soul. I felt better voicing it, like I was able to conquer lies because I had put name and voice to my fears and struggles. I felt new.
Then Ezekiel was born. I was shocked at how deeply and quickly I fell in love with him. It almost scared me, really. With the other ones it seemed like it took a bit to feel that connection but the moment I saw him and made eye contact, I was a goner.
And I knew.
I knew that some choices Tim and I had made in the van driving back from Virginia were the right choices. I had decided to finish out my job with the school year. I loved the people I was working with and the program I was working for. I was working part time, from home, and it was harder than I thought to do that. It was competing with my kids for my time and often I was choosing work over them. I was taking frustrations out on my family that they didn't deserve.
Step one was going to be choosing to live joyfully. I had a hunger to find joy in every day. This can be done with a thankful heart. After making this decision, I started reading One Thousand Gifts and it was as if God was affirming what I had just been through and what I could hear Him telling me. If you haven't read the book, you really should.
Step two was going to be finishing out my job and leaving. My kids needed more than my leftovers. They needed a mom who is actively in their lives. I was physically present and mentally absent.
Step three...well, that's for another day and another post as it is a long one.
"Joy is the serious business of heaven." -C.S. Lewis
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