My Story

I have been wanting to write about the changes in my life for a little while now, but haven't had enough time/energy to sit down and do it. Hopefully my kids will nap long enough to allow me to do it now. =)

When I was 5 years old, I became a Christian. I have a detailed memory of playing in our basement and suddenly dropping to my knees and telling Jesus that I believed in Him and wanted Him to come live in my heart. I believed God sat on the clouds and wrote my prayers down in a little notebook He had. Everyone had their own prayer notebook that He kept.

Growing up, I knew right from wrong, although that's not to say I always followed it. In high school I was called a hypocrite often. I didn't drink or smoke or do drugs, but I gossipped, judged others and had very physical relationships. Looking back, I can see how hypocritical I truly was. Don't you just want to kick yourself for things you did as a teenager sometimes? I do.

In college, my faith grew a bit because I wasn't in my home church and I was trying to "discover" God for myself. I was finding friends who were challenging me and helping me grow in life. They are so dear to me now as we have been with each other through life's turns and obstacles, always coming out stronger than when we went in.

I still knew right from wrong, and was actually following it a bit more, but I wouldn't say God was the center of my life even then. Through marriage and, especially the birth of my children, He started to pull me toward Him more.

Fear and anxiety are strong fighters, though, and they liked first place in me. I am, by genetics, a worrier. Anxiety attacks kept me from sleeping well. I could make up a horrible situatino for anything. I pictured cops showing up at my door to tell me Tim was dead. I thought of Noah falling down a flight of stairs and breaking his neck, or being kidnapped. I imagined Ellie dying of SIDS or being smothered by her big brother "hugging" her. I let these fears and pictures play over and again in my head and they ran my life and my body. If you have never had an anxiety attack, they feel a bit like a heart attack. Racing heart, pain through the left arm, shortness of breath. I actually went into Urgent Care when I had my first one. They put me on anti-depressants for a couple months (until I decided to stop them cold turkey - not wise.) Apparently anti-depressants are the only treatment for anxiety.

Tim sure is a trooper. He deserves an award.

Then this past December I heard a song from Sara Groves' Christmas album called "It's True." You can listen to it here. The chorus always gets me:



It's true
Kingdoms and crowns
The God who came down to find you
It's true
Angels on high
Sing through the night
Halleluah


I remember crying the first, well, almost every time I listen to it. I have always known that God cares for me but it really hit me at that moment. God cares for me. He loves me so much He came down to find me. When I can't even love myself, God still does. Does this thought blow anyone else's mind when they think about it?

Wow.

That's when I felt a stirring in my heart but didn't know exactly where it was going to go. I started reading my Bible more and we started in a small group working their way through the book of John. It was so refreshing to really dig into God's Word and discuss it with others. I started listening to pastor's programs on the radio, such as Truth for Life with Alistair Begg, Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, Walk in the Word and Revive our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss.
Then our friend, Matt Nash, gave us the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan, who I'm sure you're tired of hearing about on my blog but too bad.

It's my blog. =)
I was hooked from the Preface on as Francis Chan challenges the readers. The second chapter is called "You Might Not Finish This Chapter." It helped to crush my fear and anxiety, leaving that first place in my life and heart open for the Lord. Chan gave Scripture after Scripture that dealt with worry and anxiety and fear. It's a sin. A serious one, too, because it takes our trust away from God. My friend, Rachel, pointed me to Philippians 4 a long time ago and called it "The Mental Health Chapter." So true. When I start to worry even a little, I immediately try to recall that passage. I don't know it word for word, but enough to remind me where my trust and hope needs to be.
I felt myself starting to change- and for the better!- as Tim will tell you. About a month ago we were talking about it and I told him that I feel as if I'm coming to know God for the first time. He told me it's not uncommon for many people to fall away through the years and have God call them back.
This change, however, is also what's been challenging the things I listen to, read and watch. The post a couple below was not to make anyone feel judged or guilty for what they may watch, but to just bring up a point that I've been convicted with. Tim and I joke about how much more conservative we've been feeling, along with our craving for expository preaching/teaching.
My old friend, Renee - not old in years but in that I've known her for years, since we were around the age of three I think - gave us a Third Day CD last summer after she and her husband stayed a night with us. On it is a song called "Born Again" and I'm going to leave you with the video that has the lyrics because the song sums up what I've been through in recent months.
Below that video is a song from Brandon Heath called "I'm Not Who I was" because, praise God!, I'm not the same girl I was 15, 10 or even 2 years ago.
If you have a blog I would encourage you to post your story, your "Salvation Story." I, for one, would love to read it! If you don't have a story but would like to start one with God as the author, please email me at tan.ross@yahoo.com. I would love for you to know the peace that the Lord has brought to my life.