My Eleanor

Dear Eleanor~

I cannot believe you were born a year ago yesterday. I wanted to write this yesterday but the day didn't allow for extra time to do so. At the moment you and Noah have finished your breakfast and are playing.

I'll be honest with you, Ellie, we had such a rough start, you and I. That spinal headache from the epidural literally had me flat on my back for that first week and there was so little I could do for you beside nursing. Then when I was up and around again it was so much harder than I thought it would be to adjust to having two children. On top of that, you turned out to have the same dairy allergy that Noah did and you also reacted negatively to soy. I couldn't nurse you past three weeks, and although I knew it was the best thing for both of us to transfer you to formula, it still was a difficult transition for me.

When you were just two and a half months old, we moved to our house. I feel like there were so many things happening to and around us in your first few months of life that I just couldn't connect with you. I'm sure it will hurt to hear, but most of the time you were just a baby to me...not really mine yet. I struggled with hating myself for not being able to feel that deep attachment to you and wondered what was wrong with me as a mother.

At some point in the past couple months, something changed. It was gradual but it happened. I realized that your cheeks were extremely kissable and I couldn't get enough of them. When your big blue eyes gazed into mine, I melted. You found a spot between my neck and shoulder that you would nuzzle into to snuggle with me and I would feel so content.

You are so fun to watch. Your mouth breaks into a big grin and you resemble a muppet at times, which is great because I have always loved the Muppets. Your laugh is adorable. You wiggle back and forth to dance. You just started saying "hi" and you do it in such a precious voice.

Your daddy has been wrapped around your finger for some time now. He acknowledges it. You are truly a "daddy's girl." When you hear the door open as he is getting home from work and his voice calls out "Hello!" you bounce up and down and then crawl as fast as you can to the door. He loves to hold you and snuggle you.

Noah thinks you're great fun, although a bit of a frustration at times. That can only be expected since he is the older brother. He enjoys making you laugh, even though you two are showing to be a troublesome team at times. If the things you two are doing together now are any indication for the future...your dad and I need to start preparing ourselves now. You hold your own with Noah and are not showing to be a pushover, even though technically you are pushed over by him quite a bit.

As for me...I just love everything about you. From your nosey-don't-want-to-miss-a-moment personality to your already nurturing side (you knew right away what to do with the baby doll Justin and Carrie just bought you) to your big-booty-in-cloth-diapers bottom, you have me captivated. I love wondering what you're going to do next as I watch in amazement at how much and how quickly you have grown in the past year. God knew what we needed by giving you to us for this time on earth.

It is not easy being a stay-at-home mom. There are days when I feel like the worst mother ever because I am so drained and exhausted. You and Noah are worth it, though. I can't think what it would be like to miss these everyday moments with you.

I love you, Eleanor.

Love,

Mom