When God Speaks...

...how well do you listen?
I can count on one, maybe two, fingers the amount of times that I feel I have heard God speak to me in a without-a-doubt-that-was-God-speaking-audible voice. I feel He speaks to me through different ways: music, books, other people by reminding me of things I need to hear or revealing things to me. I do not often hear a voice though. Maybe part of it is because I never know if it's God speaking or me going crazy and having voices in my head.
I have had a rough time lately as I have struggled through my thoughts on church. What is church, exactly? What is the purpose? Is the church (as an institution) what God intended? Is it fulfilling its purpose if it is? And on and on and on. I had a very personal and hurtful experience happen in my beginning college years involving my home/childhood church. It led me into two seperate counseling experiences which led me to forgiving my childhood pastor and overcoming my mistrust of pastors in general. Every once in awhile, however, I can feel the old thoughts coming back and I have to give them over to God again.
Within the past couple weeks I have started listening to Moody Bible Radio station often. In the past I have listened to Family Life on WCSG during lunch times. I love it. Then I stumbed across the Moody station and have found all sorts of new shows and speakers to listen to. It's been great. My sister-in-law, Deidra, also has been sending resources my way of books and articles to read, speakers to listen to, etc. A few years ago she was where I am now in the kind of question asking mode. Anyways, the past week has been great for me. I have let go (again) of bitterness toward the church as an institution. It's not perfect after all and never can be. I think this Sunday I was finally ready and willing to hear what had to be said during the sermon and God spoke to me...through what Paul had to say but more incredibly, through His voice that I could actually hear. As I was listening to Paul talk about how we don't do things through our strength but through God's (he was going over Isaiah 6:5-8) and so what kind of God leap are you going to take, I felt a voice press against my heart.
Write.
Um, sorry God. What? Was that even You?
Silence.
As we started to sing the last set of songs to close out the service, the first one was called "Found" by Hillsong. (By the way, I love Hillsong.)
Write.
There it was, pressed upon me again. Immediately tears came to my eyes.
I can't God.
Not on your own, but you can with my strength.
Enter chin quiver to accompany tears while praying people are too involved with singing to notice me in my little area against the wall.
What if I fail?
Write.
What do I write?
He brought to mind a prologue for a book I started back in September. I wrote it, showed it to Tim and a friend who both thought it was great and told me they couldn't wait to read more, then let fear take over me and haven't touched it since.
Well, ok, God. I'm going to trust You on this one.
"And I found myself in You, Lord..."
(Remember to pause music on the right side.)