Let's Talk About Sex

Interesting, eh? You might wonder what you're about to read. Well, I will put your mind at ease right now by telling you it is nothing concerning details about sex, how it works, etc. It more concerns a chapter in a book I'm reading.
Our friend, Matt, let Tim borrow a book he just finished called "Confessions of a Pastor" by Craig Groeschel. Out of curiousity I picked it up the other night and am now having a hard time putting it down. I would highly recommend it. Groeschel is very funny as he writes so it keeps you interested and feels like you're having a conversation with him.
I read Chapter 2 yesterday, "I Have to Work Hard to Stay Sexually Pure." I was interested in seeing what he had to write because you don't often hear a pastor confessing something like that, yet you know they are human and tempted like the rest of us. I loved the chapter. I love what he wrote, how he wrote it, and how it spoke to and challenged me.
You see, I was not a virgin when I met Tim. Sorry if this embarasses or lets any of you down...but I feel the need to be honest. I had a 3 year long, very serious and very physical relationship in high school. We never actually had intercouse yet "did everything but" which I see now is what you tell yourself to feel less guilty. After breaking up with him, I had a quick physical rebound fling with a co-worker. "Makeout buddies" you could say. Then I settled into a one-month long disaster of a relationship, again physical. For some reason after we broke up, we still continued to see each other and that ended up leading to sex. I was fresh graduated from high school and he was still in it. Away I went to a Christian college and yet on weekends I came home, still found myself sleeping with him (why do they call it "sleeping together" anyways? Not much sleeping is done...) I think I kept continuing on in this self-destructive pattern because I actually hated sex and thought maybe it would get better. It didn't. I would just go back to Grand Rapids at the end of the weekend feeling trashy. Finally we called it off (actually we had a big fight and never spoke again.) I told myself I was not going to date anyone until I got myself together and started working on my relationship with the Lord.
That is when Tim came into my life. It was February of 2000 and we had two classes together and in our Speech class were put in a group project together. That is when we became friends. I felt a strong attraction to him over time, but still wasn't sure if I wanted to get into another relationship. It wasn't until the end of September that we finally had our "Define the Relationship" talk. I told him within a couple weeks that I was not a virgin and so if he was looking for a pure angel, he was going to have to look somewhere else. We had already talked about our desire that each of us had individually to try to abstain even from kissing until engagement (that lasted a whole 3 weeks.)
Tim and I worked very hard for almost 3 years to not let things ever get beyond kissing. We set many boundaries like: no kissing while laying down, no taking naps laying next to each other, no putting ourselves in situations where things could get out of hand, etc. Somehow, they worked. It was tough, but we did actually wait until our wedding night and I entered into marriage having the utmost respect for him because he respected me and I knew that he truly cared for me and not what he could get from me.
Now that you know my history (which was long, I do apologize) let me explain why the book touched me so. I have single friends who struggle physically in relationships. Oftentimes I do not know what to tell them. I don't agree with them when they tell me about the things they are doing in their relationships, yet I don't know how to express it in a way that doesn't sound like "I'm holier than thou because I waited with Tim." They can always shoot my past back in my face as well because most of them know about it. So instead I either laugh with them, or say nothing.
This is what Craig Groeschel has to say:
"For me, sexual purity has become a profoundly big deal. It should be for you, too. Why am I so serious about purity? Because God's serious about it. Ephesians 5:3 says, 'But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality.'
Not even a hint.
What is a hint of sexual impurity? Certainly looking lustfully at someone in a magazine, on television, or in person would fall somewhere north of the "hint" mark, wouldn't it? Jesus said that just to look lustfully at someone is the same as committing adultery. Yet I know many people who say, 'I'm just window shopping, not buying.'
How's your thought life? Do you catch your mind wandering to sexually explicit thoughts about someone besides your spouse? Impurity. Laughing at that sexual joke in the break room at work? Impurity. Are you honoring God by reading women's magazines with articles like, "73 Sinful Ways to Drive your Man Crazy in Bed?" Or by droppingsexual innuendos? Or masturbating? The list could go on and on.
You have to quit playing your little rationalization games. You know you're justifying sin. It's wrong. Worse, it's dangerous.
What if you're a single person? What should your standard of purity be? Just fooling around? You know, "doing everything but"? A quick game of naked Twister? How about a sleepover? We won't mess around. We'll just cuddle in bed.
WARNING! BOUNDARY VIOLATION!
Why are those things wrong? Because they're intimate acts reserved for marriage. Sex. Undoing bras or zippers. Messin' around. All these are appropriate for marriage...but none are appropriate outside of marriage.
Not even a hint."

I know this was long, but I just wanted to share. I felt convicted. I feel challenged. I tend to be more of a bold person when it comes to speaking my mind (if you know me well, you probably just let out a laugh and "yeah, you sure are. Too much sometimes.") I haven't been as much so on this when it comes to those close to me. I feel like I have let God down by not saying something, especially when it concerns a Christian brother or sister who knows what they are doing is wrong but has convinced themself otherwise, or rationalized it in some way.
I think I know now why I used to hate sex: it was not in the context of marriage. It was not mine to enjoy. Yet as soon as Tim placed the wedding ring on my finger and we said our vows, we became one. God has blessed us. I see now that sex is great...within marriage. I also see that sex is more than just intercourse, it's so much more. It involves your eyes, lips, ears and mind. It involves your hands. It is what you see and say and hear and do that puts yourself, your spouse (either present or future), and others at risk of intentional sin.
Not even a hint.