My Struggle

When I thought about having kids, I knew that I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I figured I would have no problem leaving the workforce and devoting my time to my munchkins. I am, as a result, not prepared for the inner struggle I have been having since my son was born. The last 17 months have been like the Pirate Ship ride at an amusement park. I will swing one way in wanting to go to work and put Noah in a daycare and then swing the other way in wanting to stay home, thinking how in the world could I leave my precious child with someone else? I feel sick the entire time I'm thinking about it, much like I do on the Pirate Ship.
I never thought I would actually miss working. I miss the interaction with co-workers, the predictable schedule of being at work at 7:30 am and leaving at 4:00 pm, the feeling of accomplishment when you meet a deadline.
Then I think of all the things I would miss if I went to work. I would miss out on the majority of my son's day. I would miss chubby hands taking my face to give me a sloppy kiss. I would miss the first time he said words, like today when he handed me a wadded up tissue he found and said "Dirty" for the first time. I would pick him up from a daycare only to bring him home to have dinner, play for a little bit, give him a bath and put him to bed.
The struggle! How does a mom balance everything without feeling like she's letting someone down, including herself? If only there were a perfect job, such as a job that provided a daycare in the office. I know that some businesses do this, but I have yet to find one. How about something where I could work from home during nap times but actually have it be a job I enjoy? That would be perfect.
There are so many passions I have, so many things I want to try. I love to knit. I received a sewing machine as a birthday present last month and am learning to use it. I want to make the things that feel trapped in my head. I could make clothes that would fit perfectly because they would be tailored to my body. I love to write. I love to edit grammar and punctuation. I love to plan and organize.
For now, until my perfect job comes along, I will remain at home. I will cherish these couple years that I have to watch my son grow and mature and learn. I will spend time teaching him the alphabet, numbers, words, songs and games. For now, my job is teacher.