Nourish

The New Year is an interesting time.  We see people set resolutions and decide they're going to eat healthy, exercise, spend more time with loved ones, read more books, etc.  In reality a person can set these goals at any time, but there is something symbolic about the changing of a year.  "New Year, New You" as all the fashion magazines display across the front of athletic bodies.  

I get wrapped up in it as well.  I love setting goals for a new year even if I don't complete them all.  I enjoy using Jennie Allen's Dream Guide as a tool to help.  I also like to take it one step further and embrace a word for the year.  This year my word is nourish.

I like this word because it can be applied to just about every area of my life: 

*Does this food nourish my body?
*Does this book/song/movie/show nourish my soul?
*How am I nourishing the relationships around me?

I enjoy having a word to filter things through.  Now, there are some activities like laundry and cleaning up after meals that feel more of a drain than a nourishment.  There are some things in life that are practical and have to be done even though they're not necessarily enjoyable.  That's just life. That is where my attitude counts.  How am I going about my tasks?  I believe that you can do things with joy.  Go ahead and whistle while you work, or sing out for all to hear.  Singing can be contagious.  Often if I hear one of my kids singing a song, I find myself humming along without realizing it.  A cheerful attitude can make just about any task seem less like a chore to dread and instead turn it into a task to accomplish.

I look forward to seeing what goals I can cross off as the year continues and how those around me are accomplishing theirs as well. 
 

Happy New Year!  

 

Feeding Time

I spend quite a bit of time thinking about food. 
Our family is somewhat complicated when it comes to food sensitivities.  I also want to be careful about what I'm putting into their bodies.  I can tell a difference between when I'm feeding my kids good food that fuels them and when I'm giving them junk because I'm too lazy to get my act together. 
I know the first thing they're going to say when they see me in the morning isn't, "Good morning, Mother.  I hope you slept well.  Isn't it a beautiful new day?"
No, it's a small face up in my closed eyes startling me awake with, "What's for breakfast?" 
Every single morning.
To be on top of this, I typically go to bed having planned out what we're going to be eating the next day.  I put careful thought and planning into breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks so that I know what I need to grocery shop for, what I need to take out of the freezer to thaw, what needs to go in a crock pot in the morning. 
Their bodies are as important to me as my own, and as a mom I almost feel like they're more important to me than my own.  Any other moms relate to that one?

Last week you could say I was convicted by a thought. 
I put so much of my time and mental energy into planning and executing their meals and feeding their bodies.   
Do I do the same for their souls? 
 
After all, when their bodies die, it won't matter then what I fed them.  Don't get me wrong, I still want to feed them well because it's important and I want their bodies to have the best physical health they can.  But when that body is gone, where will their soul rest?  The body is temporary, the soul eternal.  What am I doing as a mom to feed and nourish it? 

Am I encouraging them to read their Bibles?  Do they see Jesus in my attitude and the way I interact with them?  Do they want a personal relationship with Christ when they see me, or do I give them a skewed view of God?  What kinds of things am I letting them fill their mind and hearts with while they're in my home under my care? 

I can feed their bodies the best food available to us.  I can make sure they're not starving and that the food they're eating in our home is not hurting their bodies.  I really do believe this is important.  Can I say I place the same, it really should be even more, importance on the feeding of their souls?

Just a little thought to chew on.

Gather

On Tuesday, registration opened for IF:Gathering 2016.  The event is held live in Austin, Texas, but it is simulcast into IF:Locals that are hosted by women desiring to disciple.  How long did it take for the 2,000 spots in Austin to sell out?

4 minutes.

FOUR MINUTES!

That's crazy!  Why are so many women wanting to be involved in this?  What in the world is IF?

Here's my story, in brief:

In January 2014, my mom started telling me that I needed to come to a conference at her church, 2 hours away.  It was a simulcast and she just felt like I really needed to come, and to bring 2 of my girlfriends along. "It's called IF", she said.

"If what?" I asked.

"If God is real, then what?" she answered.

"I still don't get it." 

"I'm not entirely sure, either, but Ann Voskamp and Jen Hatmaker are speaking."

"OK, I'm in," I relented and then convinced my friends, Kerin and Jen, to come along.  "It's free and a night away at my parents' house." 

Kerin agreed.  Jen said she shouldn't.  Then she called the morning I was leaving and said, "I need to come.  Is it too late?"

The 3 of us had a great weekend and I came back with this awakening inside me.  I had to dive deeper into this.  I needed to be involved but had no idea what that looked like.  When women at church who knew I had went to it asked me how it was, I answered that I wanted to host one the following year if they did it again.

They did.  I did.  26 women in my area showed up and I spent the weekend in tears at God's goodness.

Gather.  Equip.  Unleash.  That's the motto of IF:Gathering.  Gather women together to equip them before unleashing them into their communities to make disciples.

I can't tell you how many friendships have formed out of this.  I can't begin to describe the awakening I've seen in women I know.  They are suddenly walking around with this hunger to be in their Bibles, mentoring younger women, sharing the Gospel with people around them.  It's beautiful.  It's the Church in action.

When we start to break down the barriers of denominations and culture and race, we start to get a glimpse of Heaven.  I attend a Baptist church.  My pastor was raised Christian Reformed and his wife is pretty charismatic.  I did not grow up Baptist.  Tim and I are more Spirit-led now than we've ever been.  It can be very frustrating to drive around our small town and see way more churches than I think there needs to be, all because of small differences, most being man-made. 

I think that is why I love IF:Gathering.  They love church and are for the church.  If you are not a part of a church, then they encourage you to get into one.  It's important to them.  Yet, they know that together we need to be the Church. Talk about and respect the differences, but stop letting it divide us from working together to spread the Gospel.  It's not the Baptists vs. the Lutherans vs. the Catholics vs. the Methodists vs. non-denominationals vs. the Wesleyans vs. the Pentecostals.

Gather.  Equip.  Unleash.

If you would like to attend an IF:Local in your area, check out ifgathering.com and search for one in your area.  If the closest one is 2 hours away - go anyways.  It's worth it!  Or, pray about hosting one in your own home or church if there is not one close to you already.  You won't regret it!    

Senders

We've been leading our small group from church for the last 4-5 years.  There have been changes within it as families have moved away or new families have joined.  The transitions have always been very seamless.

The people in our group have been faithful prayer warriors.  They've been listening ears.  They've shared wisdom and knowledge.  Together we have dived into theology and studied books of the Bible and people in the Bible.  Every Monday (besides summer, school breaks, and Michigan weather days) we have gathered in each others' living rooms and walked through our time of study.

It's been great.

Tonight, however, was mine and Tim's last night meeting with them.  We have recently felt like God is pulling us toward our neighborhood, the people we live around. Who are they?  After 7+ years living in our house, we don't honestly know some of their names!  So often we're so wrapped up in ourselves that we haven't even considered the lives and souls of the people within our walking distance, the ones that are writing the same street name down on forms they fill out when asked to give an address.

We don't know what this looks like.  It's scary for me as it is outside of my comfort zone.  I don't mind meeting new people now and then.  To really put yourself out there, though, and try to invite new people into your life is a bit vulnerable.  Yet we want to walk in obedience to what we believe God is telling us to do. 

When we met with a couple from our group over the weekend to hand over the reigns to them, they commented on how they pictured the small group being our "sending group."  When missionaries leave to enter the field, they typically have a "sending church" that is backing them financially, prayerfully, etc.  I loved the picture of this group that has spent so many years together being the ones kind of sending us out into a new endeavor, covering us in prayer. 

Transitions in relationships can be difficult.  We will still see our small group friends around church and town and in life, but it will be a little different.  Not every Monday night will be spent in their company anymore.  Yet we'll be connected through prayer and I'm grateful for their relationships in our lives. 

Bedtime

Yesterday, I had a mass text message from a friend looking for advice in dealing with her 10 year old son who constantly pouts.  I couldn't help her because I have a 10 year old son carrying around attitude like it's his job.  Thankfully, a wiser-than-us friend came to the rescue:
Hormones are coming into play I am sure...Give opportunity to explain feelings daily and privately but sometimes a girl/boy just has to sulk.  End of day...How are you feeling?  What did you enjoy about today?  Was there anything that bothered you today?  Share that [his] emotions affect you and impact the family. You've got this.  I've heard that bedtime is one of the most opportune times for sharing.  Lights low, and no eye contact paired with physical closeness can really open a kid up.  We snuggle our kids nightly. It takes a while but they value the time.  

I decided to try this out tonight.  I've heard the "high-low" conversation suggested multiple times as something to do over dinner but I started thinking that this approach makes a lot more sense for our family.  For instance, over dinner, one child may not want to open up about a low point in front of their siblings when everyone is looking at him or her.  I felt like the bedtime opportunity seemed like a non-threatening environment.

As I climbed onto the bed next to Noah, I asked him how we was feeling. He said, "What do you mean?" I think he thought I was trying to ask if he felt sick.  I said, "Are you happy, sad, mad, tired?"  He laughed and said, "Happy.  Really happy."  I went through the other questions and he talked for a long time about his favorite part of the day.  He thought for a moment about what might have bothered him but said he couldn't come up with anything.  I used the time to talk to him about a situation earlier that had happened and explained how it made an impact on some other family members.

You know what?

Instead of brushing me off or tuning out like he usually seems to, I could tell he was actually listening to what I was saying.  I think about how sometimes when I'm mad at Tim about something, or if I am struggling to explain how I'm feeling if it's self-esteem related, it seems to tumble out when we turn off the lights and go to bed.  When he can't see my face, I feel safer spilling my emotions and thoughts.  It shouldn't surprise me that my son would feel the same thing.

We're going to start adopting this into our bedtime routine.  I'm hoping that by doing it now, it will start to create an environment in which our kids feel safe to talk to us about what they might be struggling with as they grow older.  A full decade ago, Noah was cradled in either mine or Tim's arms each night while he fell asleep sucking down his last bottle.  There was something memory-sweet about cuddling next to him tonight and listening to him talk.  

Mother-Daughter

Woops.  While enjoying a lazy gloomy-weather Saturday, I forgot to hop on and put up a post on Saturday.  I'm a day late, but here it is.  

This kind of post is not one that my mom typically enjoys me writing because I think emotionally it's difficult for her to read as a grandparent (so, Mom, you can stop reading if you want, but I think you should stick it out.)  However, I find that when we are able to share even the broken and ugly parts about ourselves and how we're being formed through them, it makes us real to other people, lets them know that they're not alone if they're sharing a similar struggle, and brings God glory in the redemption.

I was overjoyed when I find out I was expecting a girl back in late 2007.  After Tim shot down the name Adalynne and I shot down the name Iris, we quickly settled on Eleanor Lee, giving her the first name of his maternal grandmother and the middle name came from my paternal grandmother's middle name.  I remember late in the pregnancy when they started telling me I was showing signs of pre-eclampsia (which, thankfully, never actually happened), I would have to go in for Non-Stress Tests and occasional ultrasounds to check development of lungs, etc.  During one of these ultrasounds, they captured the most beautiful picture of her.  She had these full lips, we called them her Angelina Jolie lips, and little wisps of hair that you could see kind of breezing in the amniotic fluid.  It made me even more excited to meet her.

I remember writing this blog post, dealing with a concern that was so opposite from all the moms I heard around me: not how can I love another child as much as my first, but what if I love my second child MORE than my first because we're of the same gender and I can relate to her?  Imagine my surprise when life hit.

After a difficult labor and delivery, resulting in a spinal headache from an epidural gone wrong, this beautiful bundle made her entrance. 

I'm not going to lie, the first 7 years have been rough. Something just didn't click between us.  I think a lot of it goes back to me having to spend the first week of her life flat on my back, helpless.  We brought her home on  a Monday afternoon and were back in the hospital first thing Tuesday morning to find out why I kept having this pain, headache, passing out.  Tim and I spent that day in a darkened hospital room with him holding Ellie, passing her to me when she needed to nurse, and then taking her back so I wouldn't drop her.  As I was having my blood patch done, I could hear her screaming in another room, wanting to eat and have me not be available to meet her need.  I think Tim finally relented and accepted a bottle of formula to give her some kind of nourishment.  I was even more frustrated later that day, when, finally feeling good enough to bend down and pick something up, I knocked the patch off and there was nothing more to do but let it heal on its own while chugging cherry coke to lessen the headache and resting my head on frozen bags of peas and corn.

I am a detailed and structured person.  While I enjoy times of spontaneity, I also like schedules and knowing what to expect when.  I do not like surprises.

Ellie is a free spirit.  Carefree and artistic, she does not like being tied down.  It has taken me a LONG time to appreciate this about her because it is opposite of my nature.  We have spent the past 7+ years butting heads, yelling at each other, me apologizing to her again and again and again and again.  I have received countless lectures from my mom on needing to back off, watching the words I speak about Ellie, and figuring out how to love her.

Then something shifted recently.  I mean, within the past 3 weeks.  I went away to a conference in Orlando and since I came back, things have been different with her.  I have been more patient and have tried to connect with her in her world.  She has respected when I really do just need a break and the opportunity to sit down by myself after spending a morning teaching them.  Her hugs are tighter and more often.  She cuddles up next to me in church with her head against my arm.  She has broken me down in a good way.  She is shattering a hard exterior that has probably sub-consciously been built up when I was just trying to survive post-partum.

Sometimes you think life is going to go a certain way and it doesn't.  Relationships turn out different than you think they're going to, even in the mother-daughter world.  Your perfect dream doesn't look quite as you imagined it, so then it's up to you to shift to the reality if you want to make it work.  I could continue to fight to make Ellie who I think she should be instead of appreciating how God made her.  Honestly, though.  I am tired of breaking her spirit and I'm ashamed of it.

We're on a path forward to healing and renewal and I wouldn't trade it for the world.  
 

Forts & Villages

I saw the relationship between my children change in significant ways this summer.

I'm sure a large part of it is due to each of them getting older so they're playing well with each other instead of the younger ones always destroying creations of the older ones.  My oldest and third-born have never gotten along well with each other.  Now, they will spend hours playing Legos together and actually enjoying the company of the other.  Whatever the cause is, it was a true joy to watch and listen to all of them play with each other (the majority of the time.  Don't get me wrong - they still fight.)

One of the things that I loved witnessing was the creation of their forts and villages.  It started small.  My daughter became obsessed with wanting to sell things after a friend and I had a garage sale earlier this summer.  She would go to the neighbors' houses and they would graciously buy stones from her.  She thought she would try her hand at selling sticks and that was when the oldest came into play.

"Let's set up stick stores in the backyard," I heard him say one morning.  They all tromped out, collected sticks, and set up "stores" in our backyard (which feels woodsy despite the fact we live in town.)  Their currency was in air soft bullets that they found around the back yard, leftover evidence from kids on another block passing through during an escapade.  Every morning they would head out to the backyard after breakfast and I would call them in for lunch.  The afternoon looked similar.  I would clean out air soft bullets from pockets and the lint trap in the dryer.

Soon their individual stores became a village.  A bank and a jail sprouted up as they started playing "Cops and Robbers."  Visiting friends and cousins set up their store fronts when they came to play.  A mayor was elected (naturally, my oldest, except when his cousin of the same age was visiting and then they shared the title.)  They spent almost the entire summer playing together this way.

Forts popped up everywhere we went.  While playing with friends at the beach, a girls' fort and boys' fort were formed in the dune grass and a "Capture the Flag" type game ensued.  My friend and I loved looking up at the hill and seeing our boys in their adventuring state, looking like survivors in the wild: sticks at the ready.

We went camping with my family in mid-August and were not surprised to see the excitement as they discovered areas along the shore covered with limestone that quickly became forts and stone stores.  If they weren't up by the tents eating, they were down in their forts playing, lost in a world they had created.

I loved this summer.  I loved watching the way their creativity flourished.  I was stunned to see the depths to which their imaginations could take them within the detail of their forts and villages.  More than anything, I loved seeing them want to play with each other - from the 10 year old to the 7 year old to the 5 year old to the 3 year old.  Each desired the company of the other to make their village run smoothly.

Last night after dinner, my husband and I sat at the table, lingering.  We saw our youngest in the living room trying to form pillows from the couches into a fort.  His oldest brother saw him and asked, "Do you want me to help you with your fort, Zeke?"  A smile lit up Zeke's face.

"You and me will build a fort, Noah.  Me and you." 

 

Thirsty Women

I sat in a group of 11 women this morning, Bibles open. 

For some people, a Bible study setting can be a scary thing.  The first thing we start with in ours is prayer requests and praises.  To share a serious request, you have to trust the women sitting around the table with you.  If I reveal this part of my life that desperately needs prayer, will they tell other women in their lives about it?  If I'm struggling through something, are there going to be people not in my Bible study who are aware of it the next time I walk by them?  Trust is hard, but important.

I have been participating in Ladies' Bible study at my church for the past 6 years.  Some women in the group are the same, some are new, some have left.  The group this year is bigger than last year, which I think speaks to a growing number of women who want to grow deeper in studying God's Word.

I have laughed and cried with women in my Bible study.  I have poured out my heart at times and confessed struggles that I'm not proud of.  Every time the women are loving and speak words of Truth to my soul.  I know that I can trust these sisters.  I know that we are bonded together by a love for Jesus.

Bible study morning is probably my favorite morning of the week and has been since I started attending.  There is a warmth and comfort knowing that these women don't judge but that they also want God's best for me.  They are not afraid to correct or call out sin for what it is.

It's a quite beautiful picture, really.  A group of women of different ages and from different journeys in life to come together, open their Bibles, wanting to quench a thirst to know God more...seeking refreshment and community.